T-Plus 258: Divorce Finalized
So this last weekend marked a pretty big milestone for me in my post-divorce odyessy. I've been with
ballofconfusion for almost 10 months now, and this weekend she flew to Houston for our visit number 17.
Over the past 9 months or so, my lady and I have more tightly woven our lives together. Due to my custody arrangement, I see her almost as often as I see my kids (but alternating weeks). During this time, it has almost been as though we both live two parallel lives. One week, it is focused primarily around our kids. The next week it is focused primarily around each other (although never exclusively one or the other). Both of our families know about our relationship, but in order to be considerate to our kid's feelings, we have not forced much mixing of these lives (and 1,300 miles apart doesn't really make it easy to do anyway). It isn't exactly an "orthodox" relationship, but it sure as hell works for us.
The reason I mention this is that while I've met some of my lady's family (oldest two college-aged boys, her mom, and her ex husband), she had met none of mine. This weekend, that changed.
Because my ex had the kids this week,
ballofconfusion came to visit me. This has happened several times already, but this weekend, my son had a baseball tournament. For those of you not familiar with how that usually works, they play two games on Saturday (pool games) to dermine their bracket spot. Once in their bracket, they continue to play on Sunday until eliminated. It is pretty much an all-weekend consuming thing.
Now, for the record, I had already asked my son if it was OK if
ballofconfusion came to see the game. He said some variation of "sure" every time. I read his face to make sure "sure" really meant "sure" and it seemed to be so. I also gave the ex heads-up that my lady would be there with me. There is no reason to be unkind and "surprise" her. It also lowered the odds of "drama" playing out that would distract from the proper focus of boys playing baseball.
Fortunately for me, my Dad came to see the game. He met my lady there and they hit it off well. My dad also brought my two nephews so she got to meet them too. After the final game of the day, I asked my son if he'd like to meet
ballofconfusion. He said OK and we did a quick 2 minute introduction and handshake. And we left it at that. Now he has a face with a name. Mission accomplished. It was a really low-pressure venue to do something that feels high-pressure.
What surprised me most was the visual daggers thrown our way by the other baseball moms during the 2 games we were there. My lady got them and I got them. I have coached their kids. I have taken their kids golfing, stayed with them in hotel rooms, helped them with their cars when stalled. I was surpised to receive the daggers, but
ballofconfusion was not. It is a female thing I guess. My ex had her "posse" around her and they were defending their own. The dads? Some curious looks my way since they weren't used to seeing me with someone else. Then they focused back on the game.
Oh, in regard to the baseball moms, Keep in mind that I met
ballofconfusion online here a couple months after I told my ex that we were getting divorced and while we were well underway on the process. I did not meet
ballofconfusion face to face until I was a single man. She isn't a "homewrecker". My ex wife has sole claim to that title.
After the game, my mom surprised me. Previously, she hadn't wanted to meet my lady. I suspect my Dad advised mom that I was with
ballofconfusion and she should get on the train before it left the station. To her credit, she was visibly nervous as hell (visibly sweating), but greeted
ballofconfusion with warmth and they hit it off well. It went better than I could have hoped for. From there, my sister had expressed an interest in having dinner with us. So we left my parent's house and hauled ass across town. Now, remember, at this point, my baby had been watching baseball in the wind and light rain. She had met my Dad, nephews, son, and mom. Finally, she was meeting my sister and brother in law. All without a chance to do much more than run a brush through her hair. She was amazing! Dinner with my sister went great, and we finally headed home for a well-deserved naked time.
Sunday, we had an early day of baseball. The daggers were still being shot at us, but I felt them more now that I was more aware of them. Normally, my son's team loses and we get knocked out early. Yesterday, however, they actually won. This means that they kept playing, but not right away. There was a 2 hour break and then another 2 hour game. During the break, the team was going out to eat. So we could be pariahs in the restaurant and my son perhaps notice or just call it a day. I texted my son that
ballofconfusion had a flight back (which she did, but it was later in th evening). He was "ok" like he normally is (teenage boys do not express themselves much over text or anywhere else).
So
ballofconfusion and I headed out. We went back to the house for some more naked time then went for a ride on the motorcycle. It is wildflower season in this part of Texas at the moment. Riding through the backroads, the scent is beautiful. We rode down the Texas Independence Trail where I forced her to raise her fist in the air and yell "Ye haw". I then took her to Washington on the Brazos State Park. That's where Texas declared its independence from Mexico and a new nation was born. I proceeded to brandish my Texas accent (ok, who the fuck am I kidding, I'm from Chicago...my over-the-top fake Texas accent). We took some pictures with the wildflowers, laid down a sleeping bag in the picnic area and had some cheese and crackers I brought. After a while, we packed up and headed back to the house for, yes, more naked time.
During this time, something strange happened. My son's team kept winning. Now, in the past, I would have been torn in two as I agonized about whether I'd made the right choice or not. I would have felt immense guilt for being here with my lady instead of there with my son. I know it sounds silly to the uninitiated, but that particular hamster wheel is exactly the kind of thing that would have caused me to drink in the old days. This time, I simply followed my son's game on an app and was minful of how good life was.
See, this post has been kind of long and rambling. It has gone back and forth between a new relationship post divorce and integrating that new and amazing relationship into your existing family. A few pointers.
- Be open and honest with the kids. My son was open to meeting my lady because I've talked about her quite a bit in casual conversation. These conversations took place over the span of several months It started small, but now I will talk about
ballofconfusion when she natuarlly fits into the conversation.
- Don't push it. You may have noticed that I didn't mention my 17 year old daughter in this post. The reason for that is because she is the only person in my family not to have met
ballofconfusion yet. She isn't ready yet, and I can respect that. I think she may be a bit jealous of the attention I'm giving my lady, angry about the divorce, and just uncomfortable with the idea of her dad dating. I'll give her time if she needs it. Eventually, of course, they will meet, but how they get along is not up to me. It is between the two of them. I can only provide introductions.
- Grown ups are human too. My mom was scared to come to the baseball game. When she met my lady and they were alone for a few minutes, she told her that she was afraid of my ex wife. My mom is still afraid that my ex can do something to prevent her from seeing her gradkids. It doesn't have to be rational or logical. It's a fear. She was nervous to meet
ballofconfusion. But when it came time to step up to the plate, so to speak, Mom came through...in spades.
- Be kind to your ex, but don't let their behavior change yours. When I met my lady's ex, he was actually quite gracious. He didn't have to be, but he was because it was best for their kids. My ex thinks of herself as supermom, but does nothing to soothe her kid's fears, concerns, and worries about me dating. Nobody expects her to be enthusiastic, but just mabye she could take one for the team (the team being her kids). Well, that ain't going to happen, so I will roll with it. However, if she ever decides to date, I'll back her up 100%.
Oh, yeah, I also had my first multiple orgasm this weekend. Four of them in 10 minutes. Didn't actually believe that shit was possible until it happened.
