T-Minus

T-Plus 123: Divorce Finalized

The nightmare is always the same. I simply cannot remember it.

The only reason I know that the nightmares even happen is that ballofconfusion and I do what we call "skype sleep". Basically, we set up Skype when we go to bed and if we wake up in the night can still see the other. It's a poor substitute for being there face to face all of the time, but it does help fill in the periods (usually 10 days) from when one of us leaves until we see each other again. When you've got a 1300 mile distance between you, even little things like this are really important.

So over Skype, BOC has seen me awaken flailing around in agony early into my sleep cycle. She's seen a look of agony pinned to my face and me incoherently moaning in obvious distress. At first, we thought this was a physical pain. I've got a torn rotator cuff and sometimes if I sleep funny, it DOES hurt. Usually, over Skype she wakes up when this happens and she talks to me. Apparently, this helps, because I usually seem comforted and go back to sleep (she is a much lighter sleeper than I am).

We've never seen this happen in person...until this weekend (our 8th weekend together). Saturday night, I woke up thrashing. When she touched me, I would sit up, turn away, or curl into a ball. Again, with the look of agony on my face. She had to be careful because if I started really flailing I could actually hurt her (I'm MUCH bigger than she is). But since I was in person, she tried to engage me in conversation (which is harder to do on Skype). Most of what I spoke of was rambling gibberish, but I did talk about my ex wife. I don't have much memory of these conversations.

See, during my SM, my ex wife and I shared a bed. I would put my arm around her, perhaps even try to put my hand over a breast. She would forcibly take my hand and...I guess the best way to put it is to cast it aside. She would skitter from me to the point of falling off the bed to get away. Anything but allow me to really touch her. When this happened, I would either go to the other side of the bed and fume or I would grab some blankets and a pillow and sleep on the couch. This went on for DECADES. I, of course, remember this, but locked those feelings and pain away in a deep dungeon of my mind.

Well, not that I'm out of my marriage and I'm finally secure, I think those feelings in the dungeon are orchestrating a jailbreak. It's important that I don't try to cast those feelings away the same way my ex cast me away. I need to let myself feel them, address them, and move on. BOC is an absolutely amazing woman. She knows the pain I have gone through since she has gone through such similar pain herself. She knows that these things will arise better than I do and is nothing but supportive, even when I thrash in the night, and yell at her in my quasi-asleep state.

We both suspect that it is only because I AM in a safe place now that these emotions / memories / trauma are bubbling to the surface. Once they are allowed to see the light of day, we think they will subside. My current approach is to meditate upon these things before I go to bed. I want them to come out and get to the surface. I am trying to forgive my ex-wife for causing me more pain than any other human being has. I want to forgive. It is my hope that through forgiveness I will finally be at peace with my SM. I've already tried the pissed off route for a couple decades and it just doesn't seem to do the trick.

But just like turning me into an alcoholic, it appears that my SM still has gifts left to give. But I am so glad I left, since I know how much more these issues would have compounded had I stayed.  Indeed, they were well on the way to killing me.

Do you use a therapist? A Jungian trained would ask you keep a dream journal, maybe. But no recall means it would stay empty.
My sister used to do lucid dreaming some. A thought to try: when meditating prior to sleeping, tell your inner self that if you do have a dream, you WILL get a flash of memory to recall it once you’ve woken. Then put a journal next to the bed in case it does work.
I’m so glad we got out. I don’t remember this happening to my dreams. (I did have a couple of “drinking dreams” in early sobriety but not like this description.)
I hope that remembering it once you wake up will help it not continue.

Brother shamwow .

Over 7 years out of my deal now.
And still I occassionally have this same thing as you describe, thrashing about, yelling out, nightmares of which I cannot remember a thing.

OTOH, I apparently have the odd hilarious dream (also unrememberable) where I laugh my arse off uncontrollably.

How much of it has to do with my old ILIASM deal or other traumatic experiences I dunno.

Freud could probably have a field day analyzing my "brain".

When I first announced we were getting a divorce I averaged 3 hours of sleep a night. Stress, anxiety, sadness, fear all conspired to keep me awake. Quitting drinking didn't help either.

But it did pass, and now I generally get 7 or so hours of sleep a night. But these nightmares are new. Some crap is floating to the top of the septic tank and I better sort through it.

It's a dirty job but I am the ONLY one who can do it.

I guess it just took a bit longer for the nightmares to start for me. But I still have nightmares about missing exams in college so this probably shouldn't surprise me, I guess.

T-Plus 137: Divorce Finalized

This is Thanksgiving weekend. For those of you not living in the United States, this holiday marks when our ancestors broke bread with the native American Indians shortly after arriving here. That is, of course, before we killed them and stole their land. But I digress

But this Thanksgiving I have much to be thankful for. A year ago I was trapped in my SM shithole. I was a closet alcoholic porn addict. I was depressed with the occasional (idle) thought of what it would be like to go out on my motorcycle Jax-Sons of Anarchy style.

This morning I find myself in a hotel room in Western Oklahoma with my kids. We are on the final leg of our annual Thanksgiving road trip that I've take them on for 15 years now. We started Thanksgivkng night after I picked the kids up from the ex. We drove through the night to Colorado Springs, Colorado. We hit the zoo, Pike's Peak, Garden of the Gods. We did some shopping, had some excellent dinners, and enjoyed ourselves.

That last is the key. For the past few months it has been awkward with the kids. Adding a divorce on top of just being a teen is a recipe for angst. But this weekend felt more like how things have always been. Would they have preferred mom and dad stay together? Perhaps. But they are pretty much accepting the reality now. And for that I am thankful.

I am thankful beyond belief for ballofconfusion. We are halfway through the largest gap between visits we've had so far (about a month). This is due to our schedules not matching exactly. Not something we planned when we set up our respective parenting plans. But we are working our way through the logistics. On Thursday I met her mom via Skype and we all made pancakes together (ballofconfusion you need to use a griddle for pancakes not a wok). It was fun and I am thankful.

In the new year we have set up our plans so that every 2 weeks one of us can fly to see the other. I am thankful I have it in my budget to make that happen.

If I had to give advice when setting up visitation? Keep it simple. My ex and I have a shit ton of exceptions, holidays, etc built into our plan. Bad idea since it just confuses the shit out of everyone...especially the kids. Next year the ex and I are working together to tweak the plan to make more sense for both of us. For the frosty if amicable split? I am thankful.

Today my daughter will chauffeur me around rural Oklahoma and Texas which will mark the 9th state she has driven in with me. Not bad for a kid who turned 17 a couple weeks ago. If we make it back alive? I will be VERY thankful.

I hope everyone else had a great Thanksgiving!

As for me? I truly have much to be thankful for.

If only other states allow for at quick of a divorce as TX allows.

I personally think it's all about money...the more you can drag something out, the more money can be made off it.