T-Minus

saarinista

Actually this year the wildflowers look pretty faded and subdued for some reason. I wish I could have shown them to my lady at their peak. Oh well, I guess there is always next year or the year after or the year after.

And thanks for the compliment. It's amazing how much better you can look and feel with a 2 foot grin on your face 😉

T-Plus 313: Divorce Finalized

So this installment has to do with kids, housing, and an endless divorce.

Kids
It's funny. If you would have asked me a year ago about how the kids would take the divorce, I would have suspected my older daughter (16 1/2 at the time) would have the easier time adjusting and and my younger son (13) would have had the harder time. For the six months or so, I think that was a good guess. I think over the past 4 months or so, that has flipped. My son is pretty much fine with everything (including having a girlfriend) and my daughter is having a tougher time dealing with it.

ballofconfusion has been able to provide me with a TON of insight into this. My natural reaction would be to assume that any issues were the result of the divorce. But ballofconfusion has four kids of her own, three older than my oldest. The teen years are a royal pain in the ass as a parent in general. It is easy to cut some slack for kids acting out because of a divorce, but in my case, the divorce is almost a year old. That particular excuse is starting to wear thin. Some "kid gloves" are warranted early on, but it is no longer early on. And in 6 months, she will be a legal adult. In a year, she will graduate high school. My time to mold her on a day-to-day basis is running short.

My daughter recently broke up with a boyfriend she had for over a year. Although she did the breaking up, I could tell from observation that she didn't treat him well. It constantly perplexed my why she treated him like crap. He always was doing nice things for her. He was smart, funny, and kind. Then it dawned on me that she was modeling EXACTLY what her mom and I did. Mom should always be treated wonderfully, and does not have to recriprocate in any way. That is how a relationship looks to her. This completely makes sense since it is what her mom and I modeled for her entire life.

In addition, she has absolutely no drive. She doesn't study hard. She doesn't want to work. She expects everyone to cater to her. Now much of this is typical teen behavior, but she spends the majority of her time with her mom who displays the exact same behavior.

So now the question is as her dad, what do I do? I don't want to get into explaining the entire SM thing to her. She is a 17 year old kid and sure as hell doesn't want to hear about that. I can't explain the bait and switch to her for the same reason.

What I do plan on doing is explaining to her how life works.

As a guy, you almost always have only have one path available. You've got to do whatever is needed in order to provide for a family. It might be as a welder or a businessperson, you've got to provide. If you don't? Hard to attract a woman if you're 30 and living in Mom and Dad's basement. That's just a reality of life.

Unlike my son, my daughter also has the option of marrying a provider and being a mom. This option carries certain risks, though. Being a mom carries the risks of having to start over later in life if the marriage doesn't work out, possibly being a single mom. If you don't have your own "provider" skills already present, this can be a terrifying proposition.

When you're 5, your parents tell you that you can be anything you want. If you want to be an astronaut, study hard and you can work towards it. By the time you're wrapping up high school, however, your paths narrow. My daughter is in the bottom third of her class and blows off standardized tests. She refuses to get a job. She graduates in a year and will go to the local community college. She also doesn't want kids and expects her boyfriends bow and scrape to her with little in return. She is simultaneously funneling herself out of the provider path as well as the "mom" path.

So...I've got teenager problems. The reason I bring them up here is most people are concerned about harming their kids by divorce. In my case, I am running out of time to undo the damage I modeled to my daughter via dysfunctional marriage. The jury is out as to whether this is even possible. If I had left earlier I would have had a better chance. But that's water under the bridge. At this point, all I can do is explain to my daughter how life works. She is old enough to listen or not. Unfortunately, she is at the least receptive age there is. For those on the college plan? You'll be in the same boat. Staying "for the kids" ain't all it's cracked up to be if you plan on leaving in the end.

Housing
ballofconfusion flew out here on Saturday for visit 21 of 77. This one had something new, though. This weekend, I moved into the house that we plan to share in two years. Long distance relationships are not easy. But if our combined 45 years of SM taught us anything it is patience. This was a major step on that road.

It is a little more than half the size of my previous house, but it is way more manageable for me. As a single guy I didn't need an almost 4000 square foot house. It's also cheaper on the rent which helps.

I'm making an extremely serious effort to incorporate her thoughts about the house into the mix. Sure when she comes in 2 years, she will make her own mark on the house. But in the meantime, I want to make it OUR mark. In four years when my youngest is out, we will say goodbye to this rental house and start travelling the world. We plan on living in countries abroad and that will be the next step in the process.

But it felt amazing to actually spend the weekend in what will be our home. We've been together a little over 10 months now and are almost a third of the way through when her youngest graduates. Then we can be together every day. God, I can't wait!

Endless Divorce
So, this one is a bit about ballofconfusion 's divorce. You might not realize it, but her divorce is still ongoing. I'm on my second house since my divorce and she moved out almost a year ago, but the golden state of California takes its sweet ass time on divorce.

This leaves her in legal limbo, and it is a serious pain since she has to deal with her ex more than she would have to otherwise. While my divorce was asset-based, hers is more a collection of debt. her ex has pretty much no financial discipline, and has amassed quite a load of debt. The total amount tallies up to around $345,000. We also think he hid a couple hundred grand of inheritance money. I've spoken with a forensic accountant and it just doesn't make sense to try to get it. The man makes between 150k - 200k per year and still rings up debt like crazy.

So, we are dealing with $345k in debt. That means she gets about $172k split 50/50, right? For someone who makes $50k, that is absolutely terrifying. So just a quick lesson in how stuff gets divided up in most US jurisdictions (it goes without saying to consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction if you want to know how it works there).

There are two kids of property / debts in a divorce. Community and Personal. Personal proprty is really limited. It is usually limited to inheritance kept separate and such. Community property is everything else.

After they separated, he rang up a staggering amount of debt. Cars, electronics, furniture, you name it. All that goes into his bucket. there are a bunch of student loans she is co-signed on for the kids. But those are only an issue if they default. Most of the debt she is on the hook for are credit cards, and that gets split down the middle.

After we get done splitting everything up according to the rules, it is likely my lady will be stuck with $37k in revolving debt from the marriage. This isn't good, but it's offset by $16k in retirement funds and cash also available. So let's say she's on the hook for $21k. Not getting way clean, but a hell of a lot more manageable than the $172k she thought she'd be stuck with.

I'm pretty savvy on the financial side (also cheaper than a lawyer)and am working out post-divorce plans that get her paid up in about 4 years without taking a dime from me or anyone else. She will need help from both myself and her mom, but she is doing this all on her own.

But this thing drags on and on. The point here is that getting legal advice from the very beginning and finding out exactly what needs to be done to leave is critical. ballofconfusion tried mediation at first, and was going to be completely hosed. A mediator doesn't care if the deal is good or fair, just that a deal is done.

If you're looking to leave, get legal advice from the get-go and the pain will be much less. Also, visit a few different lawyers. Depending on how things go, you might want someone cheap to deal with an amicable divorce. Or you might need a shark to beat your ex into submission.

Right now, I'm trying to work with the ex myself in order to broker a deal. The good part is that ballofconfusion and I don't have plans to get married again. So while we want it over quickly, it really doesn't affect us much if it drags a bit. But it's a bit crazy that it's been almost a year since ballofconfusion started her divorce process, and it's in effect barely past the "temporary support" stage. This crap can drag on a lot longer than you may realize. 

Great to see an update. You and BOC have many happy times ahead, glad you are there for each other.

Your daughter will have many phases. You are an involved, loving father so she'll be fine. Not to say you'll always agree with her. She's her own person.

Best of luck to BOC as she works through the technicalities of divorce.

T-Plus 366: Divorce Finalized (close of one chapter)
T-Plus 364: Found True Love At Airport (Start of next chapter)

It cannot believe it has been a year since the divorce finished. Most of the visible scars have faded. Others will take longer, and some will likely be with me for the rest of my life.

I also cannot believe that tomorrow is the first anniversary of meeting ballofconfusion "in the flesh", so to speak. She is the reason that many of those scars have faded. We have both made amazing strides in helping each other heal...and then grow beyond what we were.

We have travelled to see each other 24 times now. This evening, I leave for San Diego for visit 25. Lately, it's been more me travelling, but that totally works for me. Her 20 year old son has cancer, and it makes more sense for me to travel in her direction as he receives treatment. Her youngest graduates in 2 years, and at that point she will be moving to Houston. So I will soak up as much of sunny Southern California as I can.

It is an amazing life. We both alternate weeks between having our kids and having each other (in person). Every night, we Skype each other while we sleep. I tend to sleep like the dead, and she is an extremely light sleeper. But she thinks it's cute when I babble while I dream. When I have nightmares (less frequent these days), she whispers soothing words and calms me down. I sleep through this usually, but find that when she talks to me as I sleep, I feel better in the morning.

Our families are slowly integrating. I've chatted quite a bit with her mom (she lives in Oklahoma), and met her oldest two kids. She's been over to my folks place, met my sister and brother-in-law, and met my son. She has not met my daughter yet, and I have not met her youngest two kids. They are not ready to meet someone yet, and it makes no sense to rush things. The mechanics of me visiting when they aren't with her and vice versa also makes this a bit tricky to happen without intentionally organizing something. No worries. It will all work out in the end.

12 days ago marked 18 months of sobriety for me. I cannot emphasize how much my drinking provided me a coping mechanism to deal with my SM. It was a coping mechanism that also prevented me from facing my true situation. It caused me health problems, and its depressive effect almost caused me to implode. It also enabled me to stay in my particular shithole way, way, way past its expiration date. Sobriety suits me. I see things more clearly than before and am grateful for the blessings in my life every day. Every day, my hope is to stay sober that day, and be a better man than the previous one I was.

The relationshp with my kids has been...interesting over the past year. In the beginning (in retrospect at least), the kids put on a brave face. Underneath, my daughter was stressed as hell and she lashed out a bit. This, of course, coincided with her junior year of high school where most kids get a taste of independence. Ugly combination, and it was rough sailing with her for a while. But that phase has passed, and we are back to where we were before. My son never went through a volitile period like my daughter. He's been pretty even-keel throughout. I'm sure when he hits those later teen years, he will go crazy like most teens do, but it won't be because his parents are divorced. It will be because he is a teen.

My only concern with the kids is custody. I am a very involved dad. During the past year, I haven't had them as much as I would have liked. But I've kept things reasonably cordial with the ex and we are somewhat flexible on the custody arrangements. This summer, I exercised my rights in the divorce decree (I modified the standard language and it slipped by my ex) and arranged summer custody to be alternating weeks between each of us. I like it much better. My son finds it "easier" than living out of a bag a couple days a week. I plan on pushing for that particular custody agreement to continue when the school year resumes. I give it 50/50 odds of the ex accepting it. If not, I do the same thing next summer and ask again. All things being equal, Texas courts favor the mother. This I cannot change. So I'll pray for serenity.

I've done what I can to keep things cordial with my ex. Things are easier that way. Early on, she continued to try to gaslight me and treat me as she did during the marriage. She was a bit shocked when she realized I had found my voice. When she is right, I aknowledge it. When she is wrong (or outright lying), I call her on it. The gaslight has been snuffed out. She caused me more pain and suffering than any other person on this planet. But like it or not, we will be raising our kids for the next 4 years and that is best done in a drama-free environment. I don't push my new (far superior) life in her face. She doesn't tell me about hers. She knows about BOC. I mention her from time to time as it pertains to relevant issues (i.e. travel). But I don't rub it in her face. What's the point? Is the ex happy? Is she sad? Who knows? That's her path and not really of concern to me anymore (It did take a while to get this point, though).

As I mentioned, in 2 years, BOC will be moving to Houston. We are about 1/3 of the way through our long wait, but it really is amazing how fast the first year has already flown by. Last night, the sunset was georgous. I went out to the park across from the house and watched it as an afternoon shower poured down to the south. 2 more years may seem like a long time to wait to have her sitting next to me every day. But one thing my 20 year SM and her 25 year SM have taught us is patience. It is absolutely, positively worth the wait.

Now, you might notice that I haven't mentioned sex yet. Those of you following along can read of our exploits over the past year (caves, cars, kiddie pools, outside during a hurricane, and other acts of extreme creative endurance). You might wonder if we feel deprived, with 10 day gaps between physically seeing each other. Well, of course, we'd like to physically touch each other every day. Both of our libidos burn pretty hot. However, the frequency AND intensity is so much more than we've ever expienced before. By the time we see each other again, we are chomping at the bit. But most importantly, neither of us ever feels deprived. But since it is a long distance relationshp, it is critical that we both know this is GOING somewhere.

Where is that somewhere? Neither of us sees exchanging rings as a requirement. Hell, she's still in the process of her divorce with no immediate end in sight! In 2 years, her youngest will head to college and she will head to Houston. In 4 years, my youngest will be college-bound. We are both in the process of slowly un-rooting ourselves. Neither of us own a house. Our vehicles will be paid for. Our debts will be settled up. At that point, we plan on picking a country and moving there for 6-12 months to live as locals. Then we will repeat the process. If I had an X-Man super power, it would be spreadsheets. I'm REALLY good at long-term planning, and already have the money side of things worked out until we are each over 100 years old. Hopping around this globe for a half-century with the love of my life sounds a whole hell of a lot better than the fate my ex had in store for me. The same goes for BOC.

I started off as a guy whose marriage was "great except for the sex". It took way longer than it should have to figure out how badly I'd been mind fucked, but I eventually did. I made my plans. I got my shit together. I made some mistakes along the way, but also had some amazing strokes of luck. I got out of my SM. I met an amazing woman here who was also getting out of her shithole at the same time as I was. We got to know each other. We fell in love. As our kids begin their lives, we will begin the next chapter in our lives. Together. There will be bumps in the road. That's life. But we are choosing this path with our eyes wide open. Not as the 20-something year olds we were when picked someone we never should have been with in the first place. Yes, we lost a couple decades in our marriages. But we each had some great kids, and are still young enough to have even more decades ahead of us. They look to be bright.

And with that, I suspect this will be my last post on this thread. I will continue to post on the forum, but feel that this particular story has run its course. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions about any point of my journey. Hopefully this has been of help to someone else.

Paul

I just cannot love this update more. You and boc are an inspiration. And a wealth of wisdom amd insight. Congrats on all the milestones. I plan to travel too so hope to share some global space with you and boc for non alcoholic beverages sometime in the not too distant future.

You have provided a 'real time' journal of inestimable value here Brother shamwow .

And even if you never posted another word, this thread is a helluva legacy you have gifted the membership.

Thank you.

Love the update. Happy for you both!