Advice, thoughts?

She has bad depression and mental illness. I guess I stay because I think the mental stuff is the cause and it's not the real her and maybe she can't help what she's doing if it's in her head. She has every symptom of BPD and last week I took her to a new psychiatrist. They pretty much said she has some bipolar components and BPD components and they tend to overlap. So they gave her new medicine to try and treat the bipolar type symptoms. That was a week ago. Last night we had our typical fight when I asked for sex. This time she told me she has anxiety when she is around me and has PTSD from years of me pressuring her and forcing her to have sex. I do admit this happened. I never physically forced her. I would ask for sex and she would give me excuses, (tired, back hurts, sick, whatever). At some point I would get upset because it seemed that she would never just say ok or never just come to me out of the blue and initiate. So, yes, I guess we stared resenting each other maybe. I would ask, she would say no, I would say why? She would get mad and say because I don't want to. I would say, you never want to. Then she would tell me to do it myself. I would sometimes say, you are my wife and why can't we have sex, what do you want me to do. I'd get so mad at times that I would say, fine, I'll go get it somewhere else. A lot of the time, she would say, fine just do it then. So I would. Then after she would say I can't believe you could do that when you knew I didn't want to and it's just like you raped me. I'd say, you let me, I didn't rape you. Then there were times when she told me she needed incentive to want to have sex. She wanted money. So I would actually pay her for sex. Little did I know that during her affair, I would pay her and she would take that money and use it to pay for another massage so she could go have sex with him. I don't know why she never wanted sex with me but the pattern started long ago I guess where she would resent me asking. So instead of trying to make things better, it would make her withhold it more. She cheated on me before we were married and I only wanted to feel loved and wanted to bond with my wife and have sex like any other couple. I don't think I was asking for much but I was hurt for years over her previous cheating. So I wanted to know she really loved me and sex was a good part of that for me. Plus I'm a normal human being and man that has sexual needs. I told my wife I have PTSD from her cheating. She says she thinks she cheated because of her mental issues. She said she wanted sex with him and had a sex drive because she was in control and he wouldn't get mad if she said no. So now she says she is in control and it's her body and she feels that she never had control of her body because of the way I treated her. I said I feel like she is punishing me now because she resented me asking for years. She said she ain't punishing me but now she has a voice and has control and she doesn't feel like she wants sex with me so she isn't going to have sex with me until she does. I said marriage is about compromise and it doesn't sound like you are willing to compromise. I said, no single person should be in control. I said fine, let's compromise, I'll be fine with sex twice a week. Now I won't ask and you can come to be twice a week whenever you feel you want to. That way you are in control. She didn't like that plan. She says it puts too much pressure on her and she doesn't want that and doesn't want exact numbers of times and will come to me if she wants to and if it takes a month so be it. It sucks to live this way. The only chance I have for this to work is to do whatever she dictates I do. I have to go as long as it takes to prove to her that I can wait until she comes to me for sex. She says I am being disrespectful by not being considerate of the way she feels and if I ask for sex right now I am not being respectful and have learned nothing. She says I f$$ked her up in the head from years of pressuring her for sex. The whole thing is messed up. I didn't intentionally try and hurt her and only wanted to do what normal couples do, love and have sex. She tells me if I can go without asking and wait for her, it will turn her on more or maybe make her want to. I've waited 3 weeks and she still didn't come to me so I don't know if I believe her. Of course she tries to play mind tricks on me. She says stuff like, if you really love me and will do anything for me, then you should be willing to not ask for sex right now until I feel more comfortable around you and don't have anxiety about it.

The mental illness is an issue but it didn't stop her from fucking another man.
It sounds like there's a lot of dysfunction in the marriage.
You have one life on this Earth and it should be a good one that only you can give to yourself. Do not let guilt keep you from finding your happiness.

I said the exact same thing numerous times and she blames her cheating on her mental illness. Says that somehow caused her to do it. I said ok, then that means it might happen again if you have no control over your mind. She said no, I would never do it again because I know the pain I caused you and all the problems we are having now. I said, oh so you can control it. Then how did mental illness cause you to cheat? I said you made a decision to cheat with 2 men and one for 2 years. I paid for her to go get a massage once a month and she was having sex right there on the table with the masseuse. She wasn't working and I was working my ass of paying for everything and she had no problem with me paying for her to go have sex with someone else. It does sound like a mental issue if someone could do something like this to the one they supposedly love. Then again, it could just be a selfish bitch too and mental illness may have had nothing to do with it.

Keyword -"supposedly"

No matter what she doesn't love and desire you the way that you want to be.
Sounds like she should have been working if she has a teaching degree and contributing towards the household not having sex with another man for 2 years.

She knew better not to steal. She knew better not to beat your kids. However she did not know better than to let a man stick his penis in her vagina. Sounds like a convenient excuse I'm going with the bitch theory.

File and protect yourself. Filing is not final.

That law was supposed to change last year but our stupid f******* governor did not sign off on it. The lawyer did say that since she had an affair (even though it's a no fault state), they judges are human and would probably not make me pay forever if they heard all of this.

I wish I had the courage to file right now but for some reason I don't. It's a $5000 retainer to get this lawyer and file. I spoke to 3 lawyer total and this seems like the standard rate. If I were to cancel the divorce, I lose that $5000 in most cases. That's kind of why I don't want to play that game.

File it. Divorce her. If she is serious about trying, you can still live together and work on the relationship. Could you get married again and start new without the countdown clock hanging over you?

Personally, if I ever found out my W was having an affair after all this time neglecting our sex life, I would divorce her so fast that the ink would be dry on the paperwork​ before she had the chance to wash the smell of her lover out of her clothes. But that's me. I don't forgive easily.

Could you do the initial filling of intent your self?

Honestly, your situation sounds extremely disfunctional.