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Post by sdiamond1026 on May 21, 2017 21:08:05 GMT -5
I hear everyone and I know you are all probably right. No, I would never want my kids to be treated by their spouse like I am being treated by her. Does anyone think that if she is bipolar or has borderline personality disorder, and if this factored into any part of the way she is with me, her affairs, her lack of love, etc, (they say BPD people get bored easily and have trouble showing love and trouble staying in relationships), should I as part of my vows (in sickness and in health, etc) stay and be there for her because of this? I think that's part of what I am feeling. That me leaving would be me not sticking with my wedding vows to help there through "her problems". She tells me not to give up on her because she is having problems and can't help the way she is or feels because of her mental illness. She sometimes says that she wishes she was dead and wasn't born and wasn't asked to be born and stuff like that. So I know for a fact that she is dealing with serious internal issues. She say she is worthless and hates herself. Don't I owe it to my wedding vows to stick with her through her hard times even if some of those hard times caught me and my feelings in the crossfire?
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Post by sdiamond1026 on May 21, 2017 21:15:04 GMT -5
And my other question is, why does our marriage counselor think there is still hope for us? She sees us weekly and insists she has seen worse and even people that have been divorced and have gotten back together. She says her form of therapy has an 80% success rate. Am I the 20% that it won't work for?
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Post by solodriver on May 21, 2017 21:27:30 GMT -5
I'm still goggling at the statement: she needed incentive so I paid her for sex. This makes me feel really, really sad for you. It sounds like she has got you under her control. Why do you allow this to happen? Don't you think you deserve better? I think you do! Yes, I know I deserve better. She blames me for her not wanting sex by saying I gave her PTSD because I pressured her and got mad and made her give in to have sex with me over the years. She said I "fucked her up". I'm sure she is also probably trying to blame the affairs on me too because she felt she wasn't in control of her own body and with someone else she was. So that made her want to be with someone else. I bet that's how she thinks. Yes, it is fucked up that I would actually pay her. Or she would say, hey I'll give you a BJ for $20. It's funny how she can say I pressured her to have sex and it was such a bad thing but she had no problem having sex when there was money involved. She has my self esteem so low and I am so scared of leaving and being alone and scared about the stress of a divorce and the impact on the kids. She tells me not to give up on her because she has mental issues and is on new medicine and we are in counseling and there is still hope. She tells me she wants to feel it for me and feels bad that she doesn't and hopes counseling and her new medicine helps. I feel like I owe it to my kids to give it a little more time. I could give it another 6 months to a year and then leave. Keep it at 17 yrs which is still over that deadline but at least I will feel like I gave it my all. The attorney says it's harder but he was able to get someone in a similar situation but 25 yrs married no permanent alimony. So I have to believe that if she is capable of working and has a bachelors degree in teaching, and is still relatively young and with a good attorney I won't have to pay permanent alimony. There will ALWAYS be hope, until death or divorce! |
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Post by solodriver on May 21, 2017 21:29:36 GMT -5
I'm still goggling at the statement: she needed incentive so I paid her for sex. This makes me feel really, really sad for you. It sounds like she has got you under her control. Why do you allow this to happen? Don't you think you deserve better? I think you do! Yes, I know I deserve better. She blames me for her not wanting sex by saying I gave her PTSD because I pressured her and got mad and made her give in to have sex with me over the years. She said I "fucked her up". I'm sure she is also probably trying to blame the affairs on me too because she felt she wasn't in control of her own body and with someone else she was. So that made her want to be with someone else. I bet that's how she thinks. Yes, it is fucked up that I would actually pay her. Or she would say, hey I'll give you a BJ for $20. It's funny how she can say I pressured her to have sex and it was such a bad thing but she had no problem having sex when there was money involved. She has my self esteem so low and I am so scared of leaving and being alone and scared about the stress of a divorce and the impact on the kids. She tells me not to give up on her because she has mental issues and is on new medicine and we are in counseling and there is still hope. She tells me she wants to feel it for me and feels bad that she doesn't and hopes counseling and her new medicine helps. I feel like I owe it to my kids to give it a little more time. I could give it another 6 months to a year and then leave. Keep it at 17 yrs which is still over that deadline but at least I will feel like I gave it my all. The attorney says it's harder but he was able to get someone in a similar situation but 25 yrs married no permanent alimony. So I have to believe that if she is capable of working and has a bachelors degree in teaching, and is still relatively young and with a good attorney I won't have to pay permanent alimony. Warning!!!! She may try to use her "mental illness" as an excuse to not be able to work and collect from you alimony! |
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Post by solodriver on May 21, 2017 21:38:21 GMT -5
I hear everyone and I know you are all probably right. No, I would never want my kids to be treated by their spouse like I am being treated by her. Does anyone think that if she is bipolar or has borderline personality disorder, and if this factored into any part of the way she is with me, her affairs, her lack of love, etc, (they say BPD people get bored easily and have trouble showing love and trouble staying in relationships), should I as part of my vows (in sickness and in health, etc) stay and be there for her because of this? I think that's part of what I am feeling. That me leaving would be me not sticking with my wedding vows to help there through "her problems". She tells me not to give up on her because she is having problems and can't help the way she is or feels because of her mental illness. She sometimes says that she wishes she was dead and wasn't born and wasn't asked to be born and stuff like that. So I know for a fact that she is dealing with serious internal issues. She say she is worthless and hates herself. Don't I owe it to my wedding vows to stick with her through her hard times even if some of those hard times caught me and my feelings in the crossfire? Warning, Warning! She may try to threaten suicide if you separate or divorce! Don't fall for it, call 911!! |
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Post by solodriver on May 21, 2017 21:39:55 GMT -5
I hear everyone and I know you are all probably right. No, I would never want my kids to be treated by their spouse like I am being treated by her. Does anyone think that if she is bipolar or has borderline personality disorder, and if this factored into any part of the way she is with me, her affairs, her lack of love, etc, (they say BPD people get bored easily and have trouble showing love and trouble staying in relationships), should I as part of my vows (in sickness and in health, etc) stay and be there for her because of this? I think that's part of what I am feeling. That me leaving would be me not sticking with my wedding vows to help there through "her problems". She tells me not to give up on her because she is having problems and can't help the way she is or feels because of her mental illness. She sometimes says that she wishes she was dead and wasn't born and wasn't asked to be born and stuff like that. So I know for a fact that she is dealing with serious internal issues. She say she is worthless and hates herself. Don't I owe it to my wedding vows to stick with her through her hard times even if some of those hard times caught me and my feelings in the crossfire? Bro, she broke her vows to you so many years ago and did again and again!!!! You have done more than your part to uphold your vows and she is using that against you!!!!
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Post by solodriver on May 21, 2017 21:43:41 GMT -5
And my other question is, why does our marriage counselor think there is still hope for us? She sees us weekly and insists she has seen worse and even people that have been divorced and have gotten back together. She says her form of therapy has an 80% success rate. Am I the 20% that it won't work for? Your counselor just told you that she has seen people who are divorced and get back together again. You can divorce her and see what happens (but I wouldn't have much hope in that.....you deserve so much better than she has ever done. Why would she just suddenly change her behavior to you after 30 years?) |
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Post by hopingforachange on May 21, 2017 21:47:45 GMT -5
I hear everyone and I know you are all probably right. No, I would never want my kids to be treated by their spouse like I am being treated by her. Does anyone think that if she is bipolar or has borderline personality disorder, and if this factored into any part of the way she is with me, her affairs, her lack of love, etc, (they say BPD people get bored easily and have trouble showing love and trouble staying in relationships), should I as part of my vows (in sickness and in health, etc) stay and be there for her because of this? I think that's part of what I am feeling. That me leaving would be me not sticking with my wedding vows to help there through "her problems". She tells me not to give up on her because she is having problems and can't help the way she is or feels because of her mental illness. She sometimes says that she wishes she was dead and wasn't born and wasn't asked to be born and stuff like that. So I know for a fact that she is dealing with serious internal issues. She say she is worthless and hates herself. Don't I owe it to my wedding vows to stick with her through her hard times even if some of those hard times caught me and my feelings in the crossfire? So, my 2nd sexual partner had bipol, bpd and prior to dating me had suffered from Dissociative identity disorder (previously called multiple personality disorder). I learned there is a big difference between those that are trying to fix them selves and those that are doing thru the motions. I don't feel comfortable sharing in greater detail but, I was her first partner by choice and she had to really work on keeping her demons under control. And she wanted to improve so we could have a healthy relationship. |
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Post by northstarmom on May 21, 2017 22:10:30 GMT -5
"And my other question is, why does our marriage counselor think there is still hope for us? She sees us weekly and insists she has seen worse and even people that have been divorced and have gotten back together. "
She may think there's hope because as long as you both stay in the counseling, the marriage counselor still gets paid by you.
People's getting divorced and then getting back together doesn't mean they are happy. There are people posting here who remarried or got back together with their refusing spouse, and nothing changed. They just have more years of unhappiness. I know a very nice man who married twice his wife, who has Borderline Personality Disorder. He is truly a very nice man, and she is an unpleasant piece of work who regularly puts him down in front of others. It is painful to be around them. I feel sorry for him.
I have at least 5 friends who are bi-polar. One is a social worker. Two are lawyers. One is in engineering school. All work. They are very nice, ethical people who take their prescribed medicine and get therapy. Bipolar is very treatable IF the people with it get appropriate treatment -- and that typically includes medication prescribed by a psychiatrist. Only one of my friends with bi-polar says she has been unfaithful, and that friend says that happened before she was diagnosed. Before diagnosis, she used to drink a lot to try to control her mood swings. After she was diagnosed, she felt very ashamed of her previous behavior. She has been with her current partner for more than 10 years and has never been unfaithful.
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Post by h on May 22, 2017 4:47:11 GMT -5
Yes, it is fucked up that I would actually pay her. Or she would say, hey I'll give you a BJ for $20. It's funny how she can say I pressured her to have sex and it was such a bad thing but she had no problem having sex when there was money involved. She has my self esteem so low and I am so scared of leaving and being alone and scared about the stress of a divorce and the impact on the kids. She tells me not to give up on her because she has mental issues and is on new medicine and we are in counseling and there is still hope. Wow. Next time offer her a nickel for sex. If she complains, tell her that you've already established she's a prostitute and now you're just negotiating the price. Get out now. This isn't giving up on her, it's her giving up on you for years. If you stay, you're just giving up on yourself. |
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Post by sdiamond1026 on May 22, 2017 6:41:31 GMT -5
Yes, I know I deserve better. She blames me for her not wanting sex by saying I gave her PTSD because I pressured her and got mad and made her give in to have sex with me over the years. She said I "fucked her up". I'm sure she is also probably trying to blame the affairs on me too because she felt she wasn't in control of her own body and with someone else she was. So that made her want to be with someone else. I bet that's how she thinks. Yes, it is fucked up that I would actually pay her. Or she would say, hey I'll give you a BJ for $20. It's funny how she can say I pressured her to have sex and it was such a bad thing but she had no problem having sex when there was money involved. She has my self esteem so low and I am so scared of leaving and being alone and scared about the stress of a divorce and the impact on the kids. She tells me not to give up on her because she has mental issues and is on new medicine and we are in counseling and there is still hope. She tells me she wants to feel it for me and feels bad that she doesn't and hopes counseling and her new medicine helps. I feel like I owe it to my kids to give it a little more time. I could give it another 6 months to a year and then leave. Keep it at 17 yrs which is still over that deadline but at least I will feel like I gave it my all. The attorney says it's harder but he was able to get someone in a similar situation but 25 yrs married no permanent alimony. So I have to believe that if she is capable of working and has a bachelors degree in teaching, and is still relatively young and with a good attorney I won't have to pay permanent alimony. Warning!!!! She may try to use her "mental illness" as an excuse to not be able to work and collect from you alimony! The lawyer said that if she did that, he would say she wasn't capable of caring for our kids then and he would push for me to have custody. I asked him what would happen if she went nuts and checked herself into a loony bin. He said then no alimony for me at that point and I'd have the kids so even if there was eventually alimony, I wouldn't be paying as much because there would be no child support. |
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Post by snowman12345 on May 22, 2017 6:43:28 GMT -5
Sorry for the long post but looking for advice. Is there anyone else in a similar situation? My wife and I have been together 25 yrs, married 17. She had a 2 yr affair and 18 months ago (like a fool), I decided to stay and try and get over it. She begged for forgiveness and for me to stay. I loved her and still do and have 2 kids also so I stayed. Well, a month ago she tells me she loves me but isn't in love and doesn't feel it for me and has felt this way for years and wasn't sure on her wedding day even. When I asked about the last 18 months where I thought we were doing better, she said she just did what I wanted her to do so I wouldn't leave and hoped she would feel it but her feelings haven't changed. When I said ok, then I guess we need to get divorced, she said she still loves me and wants to be with me but just doesn't feel it sexually and such for me. I said I can't stay with someone and never have sex. She said we still can but I shouldn't ask her for it because it's gonna push her away more and I need to wait until she feels like it and comes to me. I am hurt from her affair, her lack of love, and now her withholding sex. She is cold and distant and I pretty much get a hello, goodbye, and goodnight kiss and she may lay with me and cuddle a little and watch TV. That's the extent of it. She wanted to go to counseling and the counselor says there's hope. My wife had previously said it's been years and she's tried and doesn't think it will come back. Now she says, well maybe the counselor can help and she seems to think she can. I think it's hopeless and I am wasting my time. I can't live waiting and hoping that something suddenly clicks and she falls in love and wants to have sex with me and likes it. Every day is filled with anxiety and me tiptoeing around in fear of saying something that will piss her off and have to hear her tell me how I am annoying her or turning her off more. I don't want to leave and want to have hope but I don't know how much more I can take. She made a comment about being here for the kids. I think she is using me to pay the bills and provide her an easy life where she can continue to not work much and keep the family together. I am not one of the reasons she said she was here. I know her affairs are done and there is no one else. I think she would just use and string me along until maybe the kids are out of school and then leave me. She has mental illness and depression and I dont know what's real and what's her mental illness. I do know that her actions of being distant and cold are very real. It's a terrible place to be in. My bet is she is still fucking someone else. She has a sex drive - just not with you. You say you know her affair is done, how sure are you? I am speaking as someone who remains married, yet I am fucking someone else. Why should she want out? She keeps the good life, doesn't have to fuck you and is getting some on the side - why leave that? Just my two cents. I hope you find peace. Good luck to you.
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Post by sdiamond1026 on May 22, 2017 6:54:33 GMT -5
I hear everyone and I know you are all probably right. No, I would never want my kids to be treated by their spouse like I am being treated by her. Does anyone think that if she is bipolar or has borderline personality disorder, and if this factored into any part of the way she is with me, her affairs, her lack of love, etc, (they say BPD people get bored easily and have trouble showing love and trouble staying in relationships), should I as part of my vows (in sickness and in health, etc) stay and be there for her because of this? I think that's part of what I am feeling. That me leaving would be me not sticking with my wedding vows to help there through "her problems". She tells me not to give up on her because she is having problems and can't help the way she is or feels because of her mental illness. She sometimes says that she wishes she was dead and wasn't born and wasn't asked to be born and stuff like that. So I know for a fact that she is dealing with serious internal issues. She say she is worthless and hates herself. Don't I owe it to my wedding vows to stick with her through her hard times even if some of those hard times caught me and my feelings in the crossfire? sdiamond, I have bipolar. I was diagnosed 6 years ago. I still want a sexual relationship with my W. I have never cheated. I am not bored with her but I do feel badly hurt by her. She has been resistant to sex for about 10 years. The last time we made love was only a couple days before the events leading to my diagnosis. I take my lithium twice a day and I rarely miss a dose. I will admit I said some very mean words to my W before the diagnosis, but as far as I'm concerned I've been an angel to her for the past 6 years on meds. Nevertheless, she won't talk about sex and she won't go to counseling. My suggestion to you is make damn sure she's taking her meds, and if you are willing to make changes and she is willing to make changes, give counseling a shot. You can always leave if nothing improves. As for the vows, she has already broken them so you are off the hook. I appreciate your somewhat hopeful post. My problem is that I am not a quitter. My daughter has social anxiety, regular anxiety, and sensory issues. I feel like I have to follow this through with counseling and my wife's med change to say I tried my best. I am afraid of what will happen to my daughter if we get divorced since she has so much anxiety and issues already. That's why I feel like I owe it to her (and my son) to go a little longer and see what kind of changes counseling and meds might bring. I am finding it hard to file for divorce just to beat the deadline when in my gut I know I didn't see this through. If I have to leave after this, I gotta hope that my lawyer is good enough to keep me from having to pay permanent alimony. |
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Post by baza on May 22, 2017 7:40:15 GMT -5
This raises an important point Brother sdiamond1026The kids, and their exposure to the dysfunctional deal between their parents, and the effects - if any - this has had on them as this situation ran on unchecked. Might this have played a role in your daughters' present "anxiety and issues" ? Will letting this run on further add to, or detract from, your kids emotional health ? Could a case have been made for calling a halt to the circus long before this "for the sake of the kids" ? Can a case be made to halt the circus right now to spare the kids further damage ? |
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Post by sdiamond1026 on May 22, 2017 7:48:02 GMT -5
Sorry for the long post but looking for advice. Is there anyone else in a similar situation? My wife and I have been together 25 yrs, married 17. She had a 2 yr affair and 18 months ago (like a fool), I decided to stay and try and get over it. She begged for forgiveness and for me to stay. I loved her and still do and have 2 kids also so I stayed. Well, a month ago she tells me she loves me but isn't in love and doesn't feel it for me and has felt this way for years and wasn't sure on her wedding day even. When I asked about the last 18 months where I thought we were doing better, she said she just did what I wanted her to do so I wouldn't leave and hoped she would feel it but her feelings haven't changed. When I said ok, then I guess we need to get divorced, she said she still loves me and wants to be with me but just doesn't feel it sexually and such for me. I said I can't stay with someone and never have sex. She said we still can but I shouldn't ask her for it because it's gonna push her away more and I need to wait until she feels like it and comes to me. I am hurt from her affair, her lack of love, and now her withholding sex. She is cold and distant and I pretty much get a hello, goodbye, and goodnight kiss and she may lay with me and cuddle a little and watch TV. That's the extent of it. She wanted to go to counseling and the counselor says there's hope. My wife had previously said it's been years and she's tried and doesn't think it will come back. Now she says, well maybe the counselor can help and she seems to think she can. I think it's hopeless and I am wasting my time. I can't live waiting and hoping that something suddenly clicks and she falls in love and wants to have sex with me and likes it. Every day is filled with anxiety and me tiptoeing around in fear of saying something that will piss her off and have to hear her tell me how I am annoying her or turning her off more. I don't want to leave and want to have hope but I don't know how much more I can take. She made a comment about being here for the kids. I think she is using me to pay the bills and provide her an easy life where she can continue to not work much and keep the family together. I am not one of the reasons she said she was here. I know her affairs are done and there is no one else. I think she would just use and string me along until maybe the kids are out of school and then leave me. She has mental illness and depression and I dont know what's real and what's her mental illness. I do know that her actions of being distant and cold are very real. It's a terrible place to be in. My bet is she is still fucking someone else. She has a sex drive - just not with you. You say you know her affair is done, how sure are you? I am speaking as someone who remains married, yet I am fucking someone else. Why should she want out? She keeps the good life, doesn't have to fuck you and is getting some on the side - why leave that? Just my two cents. I hope you find peace. Good luck to you.
[ I know because she stays home every day and does a little work from home here and there. I check her mileage so I know she isn't going anywhere. So that leaves the possibility to someone coming here. Well, when I leave for work she is in her pajamas and when I come home she is usually wearing the same thing. She goes a week or more without showering or shaving sometimes. She probably smells. There is no way she would be having sex without shaving and showering. During her affair she was showering and shaving every time before she went. I also check her phone records, emails, I know all her passwords to everything and have seen nothing. So I know she isn't cheating. |
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