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Post by sdiamond1026 on May 21, 2017 14:56:01 GMT -5
That law was supposed to change last year but our stupid f******* governor did not sign off on it. The lawyer did say that since she had an affair (even though it's a no fault state), they judges are human and would probably not make me pay forever if they heard all of this. I wish I had the courage to file right now but for some reason I don't. It's a $5000 retainer to get this lawyer and file. I spoke to 3 lawyer total and this seems like the standard rate. If I were to cancel the divorce, I lose that $5000 in most cases. That's kind of why I don't want to play that game. File it. Divorce her. If she is serious about trying, you can still live together and work on the relationship. Could you get married again and start new without the countdown clock hanging over you? Personally, if I ever found out my W was having an affair after all this time neglecting our sex life, I would divorce her so fast that the ink would be dry on the paperwork before she had the chance to wash the smell of her lover out of her clothes. But that's me. I don't forgive easily. I don't forgive easily either, that's why this has been a rough 18 month aftermath after finding out. You make a good point about divorcing and living together and if she wants it bad enough, we could marry again. That would bring other issues though, one being that if we divorced, she wouldn't be on my health insurance and would need to figure out how to pay for her own insurance. |
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Post by hopingforachange on May 21, 2017 15:01:45 GMT -5
She can get a job, that way you are ok even footing.
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Post by bballgirl on May 21, 2017 15:04:46 GMT -5
File it. Divorce her. If she is serious about trying, you can still live together and work on the relationship. Could you get married again and start new without the countdown clock hanging over you? Personally, if I ever found out my W was having an affair after all this time neglecting our sex life, I would divorce her so fast that the ink would be dry on the paperwork before she had the chance to wash the smell of her lover out of her clothes. But that's me. I don't forgive easily. I don't forgive easily either, that's why this has been a rough 18 month aftermath after finding out. You make a good point about divorcing and living together and if she wants it bad enough, we could marry again. That would bring other issues though, one being that if we divorced, she wouldn't be on my health insurance and would need to figure out how to pay for her own insurance. That's why just filing but not going through with the court until it's figured out is in my mind the best scenario. It protects you from the alimony thing getting longer and she can stay on your health insurance while she can prepare herself to either meet your needs and be a devoted wife or she can get her ass to work and get her own damn health insurance. She's a grown adult. |
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Post by northstarmom on May 21, 2017 15:14:49 GMT -5
File now. You can always change your mind later, but if you don't file this week, and you decide to later, you will be paying your wife off for the rest of your life.
I also suggest getting individual counseling so you can figure out why you would think it's in your interest to stay with a wife who cheated on you, refused to have sex with you, and who said that even when she married you, she wasn't sure she loved you. Now she claims to love you but says she's not in love with you. What she is telling you is you are good enough to financially support her but not to care about or fuck.
She probably begged for forgiveness only because her lover dumped her or refused to marry her and have some responsibility for your kids.
She also probably has talked to a lawyer and knows that if she kicks you to the curb after this week, she has a sweet deal.
I believe florida is a no fault state so her affair will not determine alimony but time married will.
And don't be surprised if this week she tries to sex you. That won't mean she has changed. It will be manipulation to keep you from filing now so she can get alimony later.
Mental illness is no excuse for her 2 year affair. Lots of people have mental health problems and don't cheat..
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Post by dinnaken on May 21, 2017 15:30:28 GMT -5
Hello sdiamond1026, I don't live in your country and don't know your legal system; please forgive me if I've got this horribly wrong. As I read this, your wife doesn't work and so you support her financially and your SM situation is making you miserable. If you divorce her you will support her financially and you won't be in the SM situation that is making you miserable. As I read it (again I apologise if I've got this wrong) the variable here is how miserable you are, not the cost. You will end up paying for your mistake - financially or emotionally or years of life wasted; we all do, everyone here is paying. The he said/she said of the sex is important and is the immediate symptom you face but what is the underlying malaise? How is that to be addressed? I suggest you take some time out (if you can) and think about what, ultimately, will make you happy and the price you'll have to pay to achieve that. Best wishes |
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Post by sorelievedifoundyou on May 21, 2017 15:34:48 GMT -5
I'm still goggling at the statement: she needed incentive so I paid her for sex.
This makes me feel really, really sad for you.
It sounds like she has got you under her control. Why do you allow this to happen? Don't you think you deserve better? I think you do!
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Post by baza on May 21, 2017 17:45:05 GMT -5
Your missus' IS nuts. You are being driven in the same direction by her behaviours. Zipcode therapy would be my suggestion. It is imperative that you get away from this poisonous environment and clear your head. Forget all her rationalising, lying, twisted logic and other unamusing idiosyncrasies (you can't do one damn thing about them anyway) and concentrate on what *you* want. At this point, it looks like you are enabling her bullshit behaviours, and all that does is to further consolidate the situation. Individual counselling - for you - would be highly recommended too, as a part of clearing your head, stopping your enabling behaviour, and planning your way forward. It is going to be a long and arduous journey out of this corner you have painted yourself into Brother sdiamond1026 and the best time to start the journey, is NOW. |
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Post by hopingforachange on May 21, 2017 18:24:33 GMT -5
Just reading your 1 side of the story, she sounds like a world class manipulator and I am surprised you can still act in your own best interest.
File, file, file, and get yourself some time apart to get to head straight.
Please stay and read, and learn what a woman that likes to have sex says and acts.
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Post by sdiamond1026 on May 21, 2017 19:55:35 GMT -5
File now. You can always change your mind later, but if you don't file this week, and you decide to later, you will be paying your wife off for the rest of your life. I also suggest getting individual counseling so you can figure out why you would think it's in your interest to stay with a wife who cheated on you, refused to have sex with you, and who said that even when she married you, she wasn't sure she loved you. Now she claims to love you but says she's not in love with you. What she is telling you is you are good enough to financially support her but not to care about or fuck. She probably begged for forgiveness only because her lover dumped her or refused to marry her and have some responsibility for your kids. She also probably has talked to a lawyer and knows that if she kicks you to the curb after this week, she has a sweet deal. I believe florida is a no fault state so her affair will not determine alimony but time married will. And don't be surprised if this week she tries to sex you. That won't mean she has changed. It will be manipulation to keep you from filing now so she can get alimony later. Mental illness is no excuse for her 2 year affair. Lots of people have mental health problems and don't cheat.. This asshole was a sleazy massage therapist that made $12,000 that year. He was a loser that was 40 yrs old and lived with his parents. That's why she didn't leave me for him and stayed with me. He couldn't afford to pay her bills and she would have been paying for his ass to live somewhere on whatever job she planned on getting. |
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Post by sdiamond1026 on May 21, 2017 20:08:15 GMT -5
I'm still goggling at the statement: she needed incentive so I paid her for sex. This makes me feel really, really sad for you. It sounds like she has got you under her control. Why do you allow this to happen? Don't you think you deserve better? I think you do! Yes, I know I deserve better. She blames me for her not wanting sex by saying I gave her PTSD because I pressured her and got mad and made her give in to have sex with me over the years. She said I "fucked her up". I'm sure she is also probably trying to blame the affairs on me too because she felt she wasn't in control of her own body and with someone else she was. So that made her want to be with someone else. I bet that's how she thinks. Yes, it is fucked up that I would actually pay her. Or she would say, hey I'll give you a BJ for $20. It's funny how she can say I pressured her to have sex and it was such a bad thing but she had no problem having sex when there was money involved. She has my self esteem so low and I am so scared of leaving and being alone and scared about the stress of a divorce and the impact on the kids. She tells me not to give up on her because she has mental issues and is on new medicine and we are in counseling and there is still hope. She tells me she wants to feel it for me and feels bad that she doesn't and hopes counseling and her new medicine helps. I feel like I owe it to my kids to give it a little more time. I could give it another 6 months to a year and then leave. Keep it at 17 yrs which is still over that deadline but at least I will feel like I gave it my all. The attorney says it's harder but he was able to get someone in a similar situation but 25 yrs married no permanent alimony. So I have to believe that if she is capable of working and has a bachelors degree in teaching, and is still relatively young and with a good attorney I won't have to pay permanent alimony. |
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Post by unmatched on May 21, 2017 20:16:18 GMT -5
There seems to be a common idea that if you are married to someone then having sex with them is the 'right' thing to do. And that this 'rightness' should somehow lead to actually wanting sex with your partner even if you don't. Reading a lot of stories here seems to suggest the opposite is actually true. If you don't want to have sex with your partner, then the sense of obligation that comes from this 'rightness' only makes you more cold and shut down. Often to the point where the refuser will swear blind they don't have much of a sex drive. But then they meet someone and have an affair, or the marriage ends, and they realise they were actually very sexual all along, they just suppressed it all because they didn't want to have sex with you.
I wonder if you aren't just thinking too much? She doesn't desire you, and maybe never did. Nothing is going to change that situation now. The only question is whether you are willing to live with it and sustain on whatever scraps of sporadic (and unwanted) sex she can bring herself to dole out. Or not.
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Post by northstarmom on May 21, 2017 20:23:21 GMT -5
You know you would not owe permanent alimony if you file by the end of next week. Yoalso could change your mind. Your attorney's saying it would be "hard" but possible to avoid permanent alimony if you wait means it is guaranteed that the divorce will be more expensive if you wait because the attorney will bill more hours. Sounds like a guaranteed win for your attorney.
You paid your wife for sex indicates your wife is in it for the money only.
Plenty of people, including me, have depression problems. Depression usually lowers libido and energy. It also can increase feelings of guilt. I've never heard of depression causing affairs. Someone who makes such a claim is trying desperately to avoid responsibility for their own behavior.
Would you want your kids to stay married to someone who had a 2-year affair, said they didn't love your offspring, and charged for having sex with your son or daughter?
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Post by baza on May 21, 2017 20:26:21 GMT -5
You can, if you so choose, keep concentrating on your missus' behaviour, keep speculating about what her motivations are, continue to critique her choices, and generally keep her at the forefront of your thinking. Or you can, if you so choose, start concentrating on YOU, your choices, your future, your way forward, your happiness and enjoyment of life, and your plan to get you to where you want to be in a months time, 6 months time, 12 months time, 5 years time. From the outside looking in, it is extraordinarily difficult to make any sort of a logical case for you to keep your focus on her. Her issues are just that - hers. And there is not one damn thing you can do about them Brother sdiamond1026 |
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Post by Venus Erotes on May 21, 2017 21:03:04 GMT -5
THIS.You can, if you so choose, keep concentrating on your missus' behaviour, keep speculating about what her motivations are, continue to critique her choices, and generally keep her at the forefront of your thinking. Or you can, if you so choose, start concentrating on YOU, your choices, your future, your way forward, your happiness and enjoyment of life, and your plan to get you to where you want to be in a months time, 6 months time, 12 months time, 5 years time. From the outside looking in, it is extraordinarily difficult to make any sort of a logical case for you to keep your focus on her. Her issues are just that - hers. And there is not one damn thing you can do about them Brother sdiamond1026 , you took the words right out of my mouth. If you haven't already done so sdiamond1026, move out of the bedroom. File. Get counseling. Get out and be social with your friends. Get laid. There's a ton of advice here, and it's all valid - we've all lived it. DO what is best FOR YOU. To echo baza's point - it needs to be taking care of YOU. If you wish to keep your head buried in the sand, by all means, do. Just remember, you're already bent over and you're gonna get fucked up the ass.
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Post by jim44444 on May 21, 2017 21:05:48 GMT -5
FFS! Let me sum up my thoughts based on your story and your responses. 1. Your W did not want to fuck you in the past. 2. Your W does not want to fuck you now. 3. Your W will not want to fuck you in the future. 4. Your W wants to fuck but not with you. You say she has a mental illness, I say she is bat shit crazy. But nonetheless you are still faced with the three options. 1. Stay and maintain the status quo. But since you cannot maintain this now then this option is dead in the water. 2. Stay and cheat. Wow, if she is bat shit crazy today imagine what she will be like when she finds out about your AP. This option is dead in the water. 3. Get a divorce. Tomorrow is Monday, call your attorney, give the $5000 retainer, reclaim your manhood and hopefully your sanity. You got great advice from baza, northstarmom, and all the others. You cannot save this trainwreck. It is already off the tracks. BTW, if you were paying her for sex then obviously she has a career path. |
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