Medical causes of sexual issues.

My W has always been prone to UTIs and this has been a major reason she has avoided sex. Her old doctor always told her it was caused by lack of cleanliness after sex. Since we were already taking every precaution to be clean, the only thing left for her to do was limit sex.

New doctor:
She is being tested for diabetes now. High blood sugar can also cause UTIs and it turns out that frequent infections are a red flag for diabetes due to increased sugar in the urine that feeds the bacteria causing a UTI. She had them almost 8-10 times a year and they lasted a long time.

Hysterectomy can really affect a woman sexually. Even more so if she is not willing to go back to any doctor.

There are a number of ways my DW's medical issues have left me celibate:
- Clinical Depression and anti-depressants
- Oophorectomy (ovaries removed)
- Breast Cancer

h - while I wouldn't wish diabetes on anyone, I hope the doctors can find a sound treatable reason for her UTIs, AND that she regains her sex drive. Also, I didn't know diabetes could cause frequent UTIs. Good to know and file away. Sad that first doctor missed this. Just goes to show we all need to be our own health advocates.

flashjohn - my pedanticism requires me to clarify that a hysterectomy only involves removal of the uterus. Removal of the ovaries is an oophorectomy - sometimes one is done without the other. A total hysterectomy means the cervix is also removed, a sub-total leaves it intact. Hysterectomies frequently lead to bladder prolapse, and as mrslowmaintenance pointed out, those can cause painful intercourse, and although a bladder mesh can help with incontinence, sometimes the mesh itself can cause issues.

In my DW's case, frequent endometriosis along with a T-shaped uterus (almost certainly due to DES exposure in utero) led to a hysterectomy w/oophorectomy. Estrogen/progesterone receptive breast cancer after that meant no hormones (in many cases, doctors will recommend oophorectomy after breast cancer specifically to limit the estrogen in the body. Without estrogen, and I'm pretty sure partly as a result of the DES exposure, her vaginal tissue is very thin. So intercourse became too painful for her in 2009, and it wasn't her telling me, I could see the pain in her face. She also suffers pretty severe depression, and is learning from her therapist that she likely has almost all her life. Combine that with the known libido-killing effects of anti-depressants, and I'm coming to accept that intercourse is forever off the table.

So, yeah, sexual side effects of medical issues are often profound.

While depression is a large factor, sometime the drugs that treat them can affect the libido. Read the literature of any drug you take.

Very true, the link is well established. Unfortunately, for many people such as my DW, they are very necessary. I'm relatively certain that without them she would never get out of bed.

Very true, but for those of us who have the inescapable need to find a reason, there should be a resource. In my own case, I need to rule out the legitimate reasons before evaluating the excuses. Call it clearing the chaff to find the truth. We have a doctor's diagnosis for one issue and an appointment with another doctor to find out about the other issue. As long as she is willing to work at it, I'm still in it. If she becomes unwilling to work towards a solution, I have my answer. By knowing the right questions to ask a doctor, I or someone else in a similar situation can gather all the information needed to make an informed decision about the relationship as a whole. The medical information becomes a gauge for the refused spouse to measure the refusing spouse's sincerity in any commitment to change.

Undoubtedly, a variety of medical reasons can cause sex problems. However, what is notable in most situations described in ILIASM is that the refusers make no effort to find solutions to their sexual difficulties. In virtually all situations mentioned on this site, the refusers just use their sex problems as an excuse not to engage in any sexual activity with their mates. The refusers don't talk to their doctors or therapists. They don't offer, for instance, hand job so oral sex if they have ED or no libido or if intercourse causes them pain.

It's simply not acceptable to be "too embarrassed" to talk to one's doctor if sex is painful or one has ED and meanwhile one's sex-loving partner is suffering.

I notice that the refusers described in ILIASM aren't offering open marriages either to help their partners. They just don't care that much.

Unfortunately, most of the refused accept their mates' lame excuses and continue to suffer in celibacy. It's understandable if a woman going through chemo and a mastectomy for breast cancer isn't having any kind of sex with her husband. It's not understandable if she had breast cancer 10 years ago and thinks it's fine that since then, she hadn't bothered with any sexual activity even though her husband is interested (This describes one of my women acquaintances).

If the such refusers cared about their partners' needs, their partners wouldn't be the ones making the doctor's appointments and scouring the Net for information to try to spark refusers interest in sex.

Back when I was in my SM, I thought that my refuser had ED or some other medical problem but was too shy or embarrassed to get help even though I told him that I would be willing to support him emotionally during whatever treatment he needed. It ended up that my refuser was functional enough with another woman to think he'd fathered her child.

I'm now years out of my SM and with a wonderful lover. When my lover has had some problems with ED, he talked to his doctor and got help. During a time in which the medication didn't work well, my partner still did things to sexually satisfy me.

When depression caused me to have low libido and no interest in intercourse, I still found ways of sexually satisfying my partner. Because I love him.

I know that this thread is well intentioned, and I hope that it leads to some lucky people having the kind of sexually fulfilling relationships they long for. However, I believe that if the refused wished to include sex in their marriage, they'd be the ones posting on the Internet looking for solutions.