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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2017 17:10:54 GMT -5
I have been thinking of writing this for a while, but I was hesitant because many refused spouses may not be ready to read it, but I have decided that we all need to hear it. It is, of course, only my opinion, but I have to say it.
If you are being sexually refused by your spouse for any extended length of time, you are being betrayed. It is sexual betrayal of the most insidious kind. It is insidious because it is continual denial of the most basic part of marriage. Sex is understood to be an essential part of marriage.
Of course, there are medical and/or psychological reasons that a spouse may not be able to have sex, but then one has to ask if that spouse is actively seeking treatment to resolve the issue. If the spouse refuses to seek treatment, he/she is consciously deciding to betray his/her spouse.
But this is the part that has really hit me the last few months. My refuser did not love me. If she did, she would have at least been nice about refusing sex. Instead, whenever I brought it up, she would tell me that it didn’t matter because my penis didn’t even work any more (By the way, I have sought out a second opinion, and she is mistaken).
So I have to tell you, if your spouse is a refuser, HE OR SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU!!! You can say that he/she is a wonderful person, a great friend, and you have a wonderful marriage except for this one little thing. But the truth is this: YOUR REFUSER DOES NOT LOVE YOU!!!
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Post by novembercomingfire on May 15, 2017 17:19:15 GMT -5
Agreed.
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2017 18:11:42 GMT -5
Are you talking to me? /wink
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Post by baza on May 15, 2017 20:38:51 GMT -5
I'll see your *betrayal* Brother flashjohn and raise you an *abuse*. I reckon that sexual witholding (in the ILIASM context) is abuse. It is one person inflicting their sexual will on another person. It is a full brother to a person inflicting their sexual will upon an unwilling person. There's no essential difference between the two positions. Both involve one person acting unilaterally in regard to their sexual desires without regard to the other person. That's abuse. It is about as far away as you can get from a "loving" environment. It would be interesting to have Sister eternaloptimism weigh in on this, as she has had BOTH forms of abuse evident in her deal. #1 - a refuser who will not engage her sexually most of the time #2 - a rapist who will force himself upon her after a nose full of Columbian Marching Powder. |
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Post by Venus Erotes on May 15, 2017 20:49:07 GMT -5
I have been thinking of writing this for a while, but I was hesitant because many refused spouses may not be ready to read it, but I have decided that we all need to hear it. It is, of course, only my opinion, but I have to say it. If you are being sexually refused by your spouse for any extended length of time, you are being betrayed. It is sexual betrayal of the most insidious kind. It is insidious because it is continual denial of the most basic part of marriage. Sex is understood to be an essential part of marriage. Of course, there are medical and/or psychological reasons that a spouse may not be able to have sex, but then one has to ask if that spouse is actively seeking treatment to resolve the issue. If the spouse refuses to seek treatment, he/she is consciously deciding to betray his/her spouse. But this is the part that has really hit me the last few months. My refuser did not love me. If she did, she would have at least been nice about refusing sex. Instead, whenever I brought it up, she would tell me that it didn’t matter because my penis didn’t even work any more (By the way, I have sought out a second opinion, and she is mistaken). So I have to tell you, if your spouse is a refuser, HE OR SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU!!! You can say that he/she is a wonderful person, a great friend, and you have a wonderful marriage except for this one little thing. But the truth is this: YOUR REFUSER DOES NOT LOVE YOU!!! I realize I am an exception to the rule. Hubs has done an exceptional amount of work on improving himself, but surviving child sex abuse, he realizes he is broken and always has been. I have done my work as well. Identifying WHY I stayed. Nothing like facing your childhood issues to make you realize how much early life has shaped who you are in adult life. My mother had me so scared of instability, I married the first financially and professionally stable man I met. He also resolved my daddy issues by turning into an emotionally and physically (in the bedroom) absent partner as well. Most important person you can love - is YOURSELF. Take care of you, and the rest will fall in line. |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 15, 2017 20:56:02 GMT -5
"He or she does not love you". With time, I am also seeing that my spouse doesn't LOVE anyone. That she will remain in her narcissistic defensive , distant, business only mindset, for the rest of her life. Her level of LOVE is very skewed and tainted, and will remain that way.
The best thing for everyone will be separation and distance.
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Post by csl on May 15, 2017 22:58:49 GMT -5
Okay, I don't know if it's considered good form to cite one's self, and I have to 'fess up to having a bit of an ego, but here goes. Recently I DID write this in one of my blog posts:
Okay, if this is bad form, I apologize, but the deed is done.
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Post by merrygoround on May 15, 2017 23:27:19 GMT -5
It's taken over 20 years, but finally he admitted yesterday fully during a very emotional discussion that he has huge blocks. His description was "possibly religious (he's lapsed Catholic), sexual, psychological, stuff he should have worked on and dealt with but never did and so sorry for all that". He also said he didn't see the point of working on that side of him now, as he didn't think it was stuff he could overcome and what was the point?
I actually thanked him for having the courage to say that. As I'd told him before, I need to let go of the anger and resentment - that just keeps me in a negative place. Sadness I can deal with - it's a bit like mourning, a grieving process - it can be worked through in stages and then it can be left behind.
No more. Finally, no more.
He sees the pain in me, the hurt that has caused, the damage over the years. I will let that go now because now I have after an eternity, a confirmation it wasn't me. I wasn't doing anything wrong. All the times I tried and was rejected, all the suggestions that were refused. It wasn't ME.
I can breathe again now and plan my future - of divorcing him. I can let go of the guilt of his feelings.
Whether he loved me? He says he does still, he loves me to bits - perhaps he does in his own way. But as I get stronger and work towards my exit and hopefully a better life, perhaps it will become appreciation, respect, a friendship.
It's going to be ok.
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Post by unmatched on May 16, 2017 1:26:32 GMT -5
It's taken over 20 years, but finally he admitted yesterday fully during a very emotional discussion that he has huge blocks. His description was "possibly religious (he's lapsed Catholic), sexual, psychological, stuff he should have worked on and dealt with but never did and so sorry for all that". He also said he didn't see the point of working on that side of him now, as he didn't think it was stuff he could overcome and what was the point? I actually thanked him for having the courage to say that. As I'd told him before, I need to let go of the anger and resentment - that just keeps me in a negative place. Sadness I can deal with - it's a bit like mourning, a grieving process - it can be worked through in stages and then it can be left behind. No more. Finally, no more. He sees the pain in me, the hurt that has caused, the damage over the years. I will let that go now because now I have after an eternity, a confirmation it wasn't me. I wasn't doing anything wrong. All the times I tried and was rejected, all the suggestions that were refused. It wasn't ME. I can breathe again now and plan my future - of divorcing him. I can let go of the guilt of his feelings. Whether he loved me? He says he does still, he loves me to bits - perhaps he does in his own way. But as I get stronger and work towards my exit and hopefully a better life, perhaps it will become appreciation, respect, a friendship. It's going to be ok. I am happy for you - I am sure it is not going to be an easy ride but it sounds like you might actually both find some peace with this. And he probably does love you. I believe we have room in our hearts for many loves of different shapes and sizes. You might even find as the chaos begins to subside that you still love him too. But it is not a love that will give you everything you need, that will feed your soul and sustain you through the rest of your years. And tying yourself to him for the sake of a crippled, incomplete kind of love was only ever going to keep your heart shackled and unhappy. So I hope for both of you that you can come to feel whatever love is there, fully and completely, and still leave space for something bigger and better that will give you the life you truly want. It is going to be better than ok. |
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Post by nolongerlonely on May 16, 2017 1:28:14 GMT -5
flashjohn, those are the truest and most accurate words I have read. Its exactly how I see it - at first the denial of sex produced rampant desire to re-ignite the flame that had for some reason, gone out. But after years of trying, I realised that it must be also directly linked to a lack of basic respect and commitment from my partner towards me, so then by realising this, my flame extinguished too (towards wife that is) I'm going to copy and paste those wonderful words of yours and keep them handy somewhere in case I am asked to explain why I have finally had enough of the empty, loveless, sexless existence I have been enduring for over a decade. Thank you And merrygoround, I'm sad and delighted for you at the same time :-) Mine says she loves me, but what she means is she loves the life we have had doing pretty much whatever she wants. Me, I've had enough. I've been close at times in the last few years to questioning the reason for my own existence, but I've learnt in the few short weeks I have been here that there are some wonderful people out there who have endured the same neglect as we all have, and they are members of the opposite sex ! Time for change here too
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Post by bballgirl on May 16, 2017 6:46:01 GMT -5
flashjohn, those are the truest and most accurate words I have read. Its exactly how I see it - at first the denial of sex produced rampant desire to re-ignite the flame that had for some reason, gone out. But after years of trying, I realised that it must be also directly linked to a lack of basic respect and commitment from my partner towards me, so then by realising this, my flame extinguished too (towards wife that is) I'm going to copy and paste those wonderful words of yours and keep them handy somewhere in case I am asked to explain why I have finally had enough of the empty, loveless, sexless existence I have been enduring for over a decade. Thank you And merrygoround, I'm sad and delighted for you at the same time :-) Mine says she loves me, but what she means is she loves the life we have had doing pretty much whatever she wants. Me, I've had enough. I've been close at times in the last few years to questioning the reason for my own existence, but I've learnt in the few short weeks I have been here that there are some wonderful people out there who have endured the same neglect as we all have, and they are members of the opposite sex ! Time for change here too Find your happiness! Only YOU can do that for yourself. |
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Post by bballgirl on May 16, 2017 6:53:51 GMT -5
flashjohnI agree with everything you said. I think some people have do have nice refusers that show them love in different ways but like you based on verbal abuse and neglect in so many different areas my ex did not love me. Now that I'm trying to date. There are still a lot of selfish people out there. It's not hard to find sex but it's tough to find connection, I guess that just takes time too. Ultimately I believe that it the root of what is truly missing from a SM - the connection and that's why we have sex with someone we are supposed to love.
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Post by shamwow on May 16, 2017 7:30:13 GMT -5
I have been thinking of writing this for a while, but I was hesitant because many refused spouses may not be ready to read it, but I have decided that we all need to hear it. It is, of course, only my opinion, but I have to say it. If you are being sexually refused by your spouse for any extended length of time, you are being betrayed. It is sexual betrayal of the most insidious kind. It is insidious because it is continual denial of the most basic part of marriage. Sex is understood to be an essential part of marriage. Of course, there are medical and/or psychological reasons that a spouse may not be able to have sex, but then one has to ask if that spouse is actively seeking treatment to resolve the issue. If the spouse refuses to seek treatment, he/she is consciously deciding to betray his/her spouse. But this is the part that has really hit me the last few months. My refuser did not love me. If she did, she would have at least been nice about refusing sex. Instead, whenever I brought it up, she would tell me that it didn’t matter because my penis didn’t even work any more (By the way, I have sought out a second opinion, and she is mistaken). So I have to tell you, if your spouse is a refuser, HE OR SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU!!! You can say that he/she is a wonderful person, a great friend, and you have a wonderful marriage except for this one little thing. But the truth is this: YOUR REFUSER DOES NOT LOVE YOU!!! But try getting them to admit they no longer love you! On my case, the last time my wife said "I love you" to me was on March 18, 2004. It was the day my son was born. When reading her my letter telling her I wanted a divorce o stared that I no longer loved her and she no longer loved me. Christ on a cracker! She went off on that one. How dare I assume to tell her if she loves me or nit! I can't see into her heart. Fair enough,and good points. But she still never said she loved me... |
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Post by bballgirl on May 16, 2017 7:45:13 GMT -5
I have been thinking of writing this for a while, but I was hesitant because many refused spouses may not be ready to read it, but I have decided that we all need to hear it. It is, of course, only my opinion, but I have to say it. If you are being sexually refused by your spouse for any extended length of time, you are being betrayed. It is sexual betrayal of the most insidious kind. It is insidious because it is continual denial of the most basic part of marriage. Sex is understood to be an essential part of marriage. Of course, there are medical and/or psychological reasons that a spouse may not be able to have sex, but then one has to ask if that spouse is actively seeking treatment to resolve the issue. If the spouse refuses to seek treatment, he/she is consciously deciding to betray his/her spouse. But this is the part that has really hit me the last few months. My refuser did not love me. If she did, she would have at least been nice about refusing sex. Instead, whenever I brought it up, she would tell me that it didn’t matter because my penis didn’t even work any more (By the way, I have sought out a second opinion, and she is mistaken). So I have to tell you, if your spouse is a refuser, HE OR SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU!!! You can say that he/she is a wonderful person, a great friend, and you have a wonderful marriage except for this one little thing. But the truth is this: YOUR REFUSER DOES NOT LOVE YOU!!! But try getting them to admit they no longer love you! On my case, the last time my wife said "I love you" to me was on March 18, 2004. It was the day my son was born. When reading her my letter telling her I wanted a divorce o stared that I no longer loved her and she no longer loved me. Christ on a cracker! She went off on that one. How dare I assume to tell her if she loves me or nit! I can't see into her heart. Fair enough,and good points. But she still never said she loved me... Bottom line she didn't love you the way you needed to be loved. And seriously not to say I love you - that's crazy! My ex and I still said I love you to each other but to me it was hypocritical. Sometimes on the phone he said it and I just said bye. Maybe it's better she didn't say it. At least her actions and words were consistent. |
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Post by northstarmom on May 16, 2017 8:11:33 GMT -5
They may love you in a way that is meaningful to them. It probably is not a way meaningful to you.if you aren't getting the love you want, better to admit that you can't make your spouse love you the way you want. Admitting that makes it easier to decide to let go of a relationship that never will suit your needs.
If they know they don't love you, but also know they love the benefits of being married to you, they have every reason not to tell you they don't love you. They want to keep you in the marriage that is a convenience to them. If you decide to divorce them, they want you to feel guilty so they get an unfairly generous settlement.
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