Post by idna on Apr 28, 2017 10:49:21 GMT -5
I'm from Europe, living in Japan, married to a Japanese man. I’ll hit 30 next year, he’s in his 40s. We’re together for 6 years, 4 years in marriage, 1,5 years in SM - and a pregnancy before that, so more than 2 years. My husband is very precise and a controller – I knew it as soon as we moved together, and I’m still learning how to handle this.
Sex was always good and very frequent. Any physical intimacy suddenly disappeared when I got pregnant in 2015. I thought he was afraid of hurting me or the baby, so I didn’t give much thought about it. We both wanted a child, he wanted it more I think. The end of the pregnancy was very stressful for me, because that time I lived with my in-laws for 3 months. (It’s common in Japan for women to go back to their parents’ place for the time of childbirth, so their mother can teach them how to care for the baby. Of course, I couldn’t do this being so far from home, so I had to stay there.) I was very tense and stressed after that period and everything just added onto that. After I came home with the baby, we were together once or twice, but because it was painful for me, he stopped trying. I told him it gets better with practice, but he still didn’t initiate or show interest in me. Frequency was once a month (or wasn’t at all); no foreplay, always the same position – the complete opposite of how it was before. I found him many times masturbating or I could hear him watching porn. I asked him what happened and he said he just didn’t want to bother me, because I must be exhausted. I told him I’m ready for it anytime, anywhere, even if I didn’t sleep for days. He seemed relieved and happy about it, but instead of more, we had less sex. Now he’s under medication for his OCD, and those pills made his libido disappear completely – that's what he's telling me, while he still successfully masturbates almost every night while I put our son into bed. He doesn’t even try to do it discreetly... I can’t believe he still chooses that instead of me, when just a snap of his fingers and I’d be naked in 2 seconds!
Now we don’t have sex at all, the last time was in January. It was then when he told me he wants another baby, so he bought a package of ovulation tests. Now he has to do something only at the right time of the month, but he still doesn’t want to have sex at all. I’d like to say that I don’t mind it, because with this it feels like sex became one of my household tasks, but I’m still almost constantly turned on. Though I really don’t want to bring another child into this marriage until some positive change. To distract myself, I started to make a business out of my hobby, and it makes me so busy, that I don’t even have time to sleep.
I talked to him about this many times. Every time I mention the lack of intimacy (not just the sex part; there are no kisses and hugs), he gets very angry or just laughs, and never gives a straight answer. He says I’m crazy, selfish and just want him for sex. Why? Isn't it the most natural thing in life?
I still try to initiate sometmes. (He said it’s my job because I want to have sex...) I don’t give faint hints, I tell him in the face what I want or crawl up on him, but there’s no success, only excuses: he’s tired, stressed, it’s too late, he has to wake up early etc... Last month he suggested we should try for a baby if I'm ovulating. When I said I’m not, but we can still do it, he just sighed "don’t come up with this again" and went to sleep.
I think our SM is a little different, because it’s a cultural thing here. Love, sex and marriage are different things and don’t need to go together, I was told. Many couples stop being intimate after children, some stop right after getting married. Sleeping in different rooms are quite common as well. I’ve talked and read about this a lot. I knew something about it before our marriage, and I did discuss it with him if we would become one of the enstranged and sexless couples, but he promised nothing would change. How could I know it wasn’t true? He himself told me a while ago that love is not important in a marriage, good social background and money are more important. I know I shouldn’t question his love for me, but after all this... I don’t know... I don’t know what to think anymore.
I don't know what I want to do, my head and thoughts aren't clear yet. I'm still trying to save this marriage, but it’s difficult when it’s perfectly fine for the other. I know no one can give me the best solution, it all depends on me.
Sex was always good and very frequent. Any physical intimacy suddenly disappeared when I got pregnant in 2015. I thought he was afraid of hurting me or the baby, so I didn’t give much thought about it. We both wanted a child, he wanted it more I think. The end of the pregnancy was very stressful for me, because that time I lived with my in-laws for 3 months. (It’s common in Japan for women to go back to their parents’ place for the time of childbirth, so their mother can teach them how to care for the baby. Of course, I couldn’t do this being so far from home, so I had to stay there.) I was very tense and stressed after that period and everything just added onto that. After I came home with the baby, we were together once or twice, but because it was painful for me, he stopped trying. I told him it gets better with practice, but he still didn’t initiate or show interest in me. Frequency was once a month (or wasn’t at all); no foreplay, always the same position – the complete opposite of how it was before. I found him many times masturbating or I could hear him watching porn. I asked him what happened and he said he just didn’t want to bother me, because I must be exhausted. I told him I’m ready for it anytime, anywhere, even if I didn’t sleep for days. He seemed relieved and happy about it, but instead of more, we had less sex. Now he’s under medication for his OCD, and those pills made his libido disappear completely – that's what he's telling me, while he still successfully masturbates almost every night while I put our son into bed. He doesn’t even try to do it discreetly... I can’t believe he still chooses that instead of me, when just a snap of his fingers and I’d be naked in 2 seconds!
Now we don’t have sex at all, the last time was in January. It was then when he told me he wants another baby, so he bought a package of ovulation tests. Now he has to do something only at the right time of the month, but he still doesn’t want to have sex at all. I’d like to say that I don’t mind it, because with this it feels like sex became one of my household tasks, but I’m still almost constantly turned on. Though I really don’t want to bring another child into this marriage until some positive change. To distract myself, I started to make a business out of my hobby, and it makes me so busy, that I don’t even have time to sleep.
I talked to him about this many times. Every time I mention the lack of intimacy (not just the sex part; there are no kisses and hugs), he gets very angry or just laughs, and never gives a straight answer. He says I’m crazy, selfish and just want him for sex. Why? Isn't it the most natural thing in life?
I still try to initiate sometmes. (He said it’s my job because I want to have sex...) I don’t give faint hints, I tell him in the face what I want or crawl up on him, but there’s no success, only excuses: he’s tired, stressed, it’s too late, he has to wake up early etc... Last month he suggested we should try for a baby if I'm ovulating. When I said I’m not, but we can still do it, he just sighed "don’t come up with this again" and went to sleep.
I think our SM is a little different, because it’s a cultural thing here. Love, sex and marriage are different things and don’t need to go together, I was told. Many couples stop being intimate after children, some stop right after getting married. Sleeping in different rooms are quite common as well. I’ve talked and read about this a lot. I knew something about it before our marriage, and I did discuss it with him if we would become one of the enstranged and sexless couples, but he promised nothing would change. How could I know it wasn’t true? He himself told me a while ago that love is not important in a marriage, good social background and money are more important. I know I shouldn’t question his love for me, but after all this... I don’t know... I don’t know what to think anymore.
I don't know what I want to do, my head and thoughts aren't clear yet. I'm still trying to save this marriage, but it’s difficult when it’s perfectly fine for the other. I know no one can give me the best solution, it all depends on me.
