idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49 
Age Range: 31-35
|
Post by idna on May 4, 2017 5:37:43 GMT -5
I'm sorry, baza . I lose my mind easily when I'm annoyed. Now I see that everything I wrote has nothing to do with this. I realised that I can't fix my SM, nothing ever will. Since I'm the one going against the culture, there's basically nothing I can do. For now, I think I'll just try to befriend the thought of it, not lose myself in the process and find my happiness somewhere in it (or outside of it). I don't pretend to know a lot about Japanese attitudes, but the *impression* I get is that it is pretty sexist and hierarchical. The chances of *you* (or any individual) winning over the hearts and minds of the nation would be pretty slim. What are the nations views on cheating ? (My impression is that for blokes it is "acceptable" - but for women ??) Is that an option ? Meantime, embracing a "hobby" of consolidating your financial position would be a good one to have a red hot go at. Yes, it's pretty sexist. They are very advanced technologically, but the social system is like (according to my mother) the socialism of Eastern Europe or worse. Cheating is more acceptable for men, but recently a nationwide survey was analysed in the news and that showed that about half of the wives cheat their husbands. I don't know what happens if an ordinary person is get caught, but if it's a known person (actress, politician, any celebrity), they are shamed on national tv until they say sorry publicly. It's like everyone knows, but they don't want to acknowledge this. Well... I was thinking about this as an option. I know my H sometimes goes to so called "hostess clubs" with friends and colleagues, but nothing physical happens there, just drinking and talking with the girls. I don't know if he went any further. From time to time I'm approached by men and I always receive a business card. The last time this happened was 2 months ago, and as always I was too afraid to contact the man. |
|
idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
|
Post by idna on May 4, 2017 5:52:15 GMT -5
More about the sexlessness: he added he can't see himself being able to have regular sex with me in the near future. He needs much more stronger stimulation than that (I posted about this here: iliasm.org/thread/675/caught-dealing-matters-hand ), and became addicted to porn. Still, if I want something I should initiate, but after hearing this - why? Your answer to him...." you know I've been thinking about what you've said and you're right. I feel EXACTLY the same way about you. I have also been feeling that I need much stronger stimulation than just you. Glad that we are both on the same page regarding satisfying ourselves in ways that works best for each of us". OMG! Hahaha! "I need much stronger stimulation than just you." This! Seriously, I need to remember this. |
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on May 4, 2017 7:05:08 GMT -5
Out of curiosity, what do you think you husband would do if you dressed as a geisha for him? Do you think his mind would switch from wife to desire object? If so you could try it at first with the full outfit/make-up and slowly transition to your normal self.
Kind of a retraining so to speak.
Heck, the stronger simulation could be used together. Using toys together can be fun.
I don't know enough about the culture or your husband's if you could use his lack of pleasing you as him not being masculine enough.
|
|
|
|
Post by seabr33z3 on May 4, 2017 8:06:26 GMT -5
Out of curiosity, what do you think you husband would do if you dressed as a geisha for him? Do you think his mind would switch from wife to desire object? If so you could try it at first with the full outfit/make-up and slowly transition to your normal self. Kind of a retraining so to speak. Heck, the stronger simulation could be used together. Using toys together can be fun. I don't know enough about the culture or your husband's if you could use his lack of pleasing you as him not being masculine enough. Interesting... it's nearly like idna taking on the mother role ( right from pregnancy) is significant. |
|
idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
|
Post by idna on May 5, 2017 5:34:19 GMT -5
hopingforachangeI haven't tried that, but... sometimes I did let him buy me clothes and shoes he likes, I let my hair grow long, wore bright red lipstick and sexy lacy lingeries etc. just to please him. Everything met his taste. Aaah... Can't believe I did all that. And I still ended up here.
|
|
|
|
Post by cagedtiger on May 5, 2017 8:40:03 GMT -5
hopingforachangeI haven't tried that, but... sometimes I did let him buy me clothes and shoes he likes, I let my hair grow long, wore bright red lipstick and sexy lacy lingeries etc. just to please him. Everything met his taste. Aaah... Can't believe I did all that. And I still ended up here. Ah, the bacon - scented candles. You're not alone - we've all done that, and here we are as well. Being married means you try and try, everything you possibly think you can. Part of the heartbreak of our situations is the fact that all our efforts so often go unacknowledged. That's where the resentment starts. |
|
|
|
Post by nolongerlonely on May 5, 2017 9:40:38 GMT -5
Idna
I am so sorry to read your story. Please use this forum and any other means you can to get help, this is NOT you.
I've tried starting a reply 3 times now and ended up almost ranting about my experiences of Japan. I'm going to try for a third time !!
I've worked with Japanese companies and people and can confirm their ways are very backward (sexist, pro male), and also (in my opinion) very screwed up, trying to pursue Western ideals within a country still steeped in its own history. I found it very sad and disappointing.
Do not allow yourself to believe this behaviour has anything to do with you, your beauty, or sexuality !
I would imagine sexual preference could add a whole new dimension of confusion to what I saw over the 20 or so years I worked with people I considered my friends, only later to discover I was merely a tool to be discarded at will.
Stay strong, and please dont doubt yourself
|
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on May 5, 2017 11:27:07 GMT -5
Out of curiosity, what do you think you husband would do if you dressed as a geisha for him? Do you think his mind would switch from wife to desire object? If so you could try it at first with the full outfit/make-up and slowly transition to your normal self. Kind of a retraining so to speak. Heck, the stronger simulation could be used together. Using toys together can be fun. I don't know enough about the culture or your husband's if you could use his lack of pleasing you as him not being masculine enough. Interesting... it's nearly like idna taking on the mother role ( right from pregnancy) is significant. From taking with a few 2nd Japanese immigrants at work, 2 of them both talked about thier wife differently after they have birth. It was almost like the wife became representative on the family unit and they were no longer a person of desire but the caretaker of the children. They both married other 2nd or 3rd gen Japanese immigrants. And have spoken fondly of going to a proper geisha and we're using languages close to how they talked about thier wives before they got pregnant. Which is why I brought up her dressing like a geisha, to see if her husband would play along and over time try and associate wife, mother, and geisha. But to start out I would think you couldn't wear anything that you already own, and I would recommend not trying at home the first time (nothing associated with wife/mother). This was also assuming you were thinking about trying too save the marriage and not ready to escape. |
|
idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
|
Post by idna on May 6, 2017 1:37:12 GMT -5
From taking with a few 2nd Japanese immigrants at work, 2 of them both talked about thier wife differently after they have birth. It was almost like the wife became representative on the family unit and they were no longer a person of desire but the caretaker of the children. They both married other 2nd or 3rd gen Japanese immigrants. And have spoken fondly of going to a proper geisha and we're using languages close to how they talked about thier wives before they got pregnant. Which is why I brought up her dressing like a geisha, to see if her husband would play along and over time try and associate wife, mother, and geisha. But to start out I would think you couldn't wear anything that you already own, and I would recommend not trying at home the first time (nothing associated with wife/mother). This was also assuming you were thinking about trying too save the marriage and not ready to escape. Hmmm... Sounds interesting. Yes, it’s like I was put on some pedestal of motherhood! Sadly, a dressup like that would be too much for my wallet. I think a Love Hotel would be good enough... A room with toys and everything... I’ve always wanted to try that out, but I just lack the motivation for now. |
|
idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
|
Post by idna on May 6, 2017 8:25:16 GMT -5
nolongerlonelyAh, yes, exactly what you wrote. It is indeed very sad! Even my H agrees that many things are done here in a very stupid way. I have the same issue with friends. I find it difficult to connect with them the way I connect with foreign people (including Asians). I don’t know, it’s like they always keep a distance. What really amazes me is the conformity to the majority, the peer pressure. If everyone turns left, I’ll turn left too. My H is thinking this way and it applies to the sex as well: our friends said they don't do it, so he decided that we won't do it. Thank you, I’ll try to ignore it!
|
|
idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
|
Post by idna on May 28, 2017 8:06:35 GMT -5
I've been away for quite a long time...
I was on a Japanese site lately reading peoples' posts about their SM. So far I only saw refused women writing there. Their problems and conclusions are exactly the same as here: stay, outsource or divorce. I think I'll show that site to H, so he can see there are Japanese women too wanting sex from their spouses.
Anyway, he initiated a few weeks ago, but I said no for two consecutive days. I saw shock on his face and he asked why, so I explained that the rejections hurt very much and somehow I felt more sad than turned on. He just said that I take what he says too seriously... WTF??
He became kinder and calmer since then. We're more intimate, he hugs and kisses me occasionally. And we had sex this week - and it was good sex, yay! The next morning was a bit painful for both of us as we strained some muscles (lack of practice). He joked that sex could be a good excercise instead of the gym, but I doubt anything would change...
I find it most amazing that he can perform until morning without problem when he just skips a day's medicine. He's been taking it for more than a year now. How can it make such a difference? I know it's not the same, but when I was on birth control, forgetting a pill one day didn't mean I had zero protection, it's effect just became weaker. I just can't believe him when this topic comes up.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on May 28, 2017 8:33:21 GMT -5
Anyway, he initiated a few weeks ago, but I said no for two consecutive days. I saw shock on his face and he asked why, so I explained that the rejections hurt very much and somehow I felt more sad than turned on. He just said that I take what he says too seriously... WTF?? That's some heavy ammunition in your camp! Use those same exact words on him, and watch the double standards. You will be pointing out to him how selfish, ludicrous, dumbfounded his logic is. Tell him, "You're right I shouldn't take anything you say seriously. From now on anything you say or do (actions or words) will be taken as lies and manipulation. There will be zero trust. Since none of it is ever meant to be taken seriously." He won't like that. A controller never does when you turn the tables on them. Expect a ridged blank stare. Or a change in subject. Their way of staying in control. It gets very old, very quickly. Good luck on the longevity of your victory. |
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on May 28, 2017 8:37:55 GMT -5
Hopefully the new intimacy stays.
What medication is he taking? If it is an antidepressant, skipping a day can return function. I took an antidepressant that killed good ability to get up for about a week and when I stopped taking it, the next day I was back about 80%, and 2 days later back to full flag pole strength.
|
|
idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
|
Post by idna on May 28, 2017 10:25:08 GMT -5
Hopefully the new intimacy stays. What medication is he taking? If it is an antidepressant, skipping a day can return function. I took an antidepressant that killed good ability to get up for about a week and when I stopped taking it, the next day I was back about 80%, and 2 days later back to full flag pole strength. He's taking Fluphenazine, a tranquilizer and antipsychotic medication for his OCD. |
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on May 28, 2017 10:28:52 GMT -5
Hopefully the new intimacy stays. What medication is he taking? If it is an antidepressant, skipping a day can return function. I took an antidepressant that killed good ability to get up for about a week and when I stopped taking it, the next day I was back about 80%, and 2 days later back to full flag pole strength. He's taking Fluphenazine, a tranquilizer and antipsychotic medication for his OCD. Under side effects Trouble having sex (in men). Maybe you should see if he can try a different medication. |
|
