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Post by ted on Apr 17, 2017 15:24:43 GMT -5
I’m so sad and angry at the STBX and my parents and siblings. They celebrated Easter together yesterday, while my four children and I celebrated alone. The same thing happened on Christmas morning.
This is the fourth holiday season we’ve been apart. This Christmas, after being a doormat for so long, I asked my family if they’d stop inviting her to all the close family gatherings. Thus began WWIII. They refused, with prejudice. Eventually I told them I wasn’t going to attend any longer if she was there; it is too painful right now. Instead of sympathy, understanding, and care from my own mother, father, sister, and brothers, I got heated arguments about their rights to her and her place in the family.
She won’t voluntarily let me have my family either. I tried to take up the issue with her first, but she used those private discussions to play the martyr, and now they accuse me of whatever she’s told them. She also insists on her rights to them and how awful I am for attempting to interfere.
This family issue is an especially sensitive failure mode in my marriage. She was an orphan, and though she has adoptive parents, she gravitated to my family’s closeness. We married young. Her relationship with me didn’t take off (15-yr SM since our wedding night), but her relationship with my family sure did.
Ultimately, I think she’s getting what she wanted out of this whole deal. That’s heartbreaking in itself. That my family remains complicit in it, even when I’ve explicitly laid out these concerns to them, well, I don’t really have words for my feelings of betrayal.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2017 15:57:25 GMT -5
It is so sad that they have chosen her over you and the kids. But you have done the right thing.
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Post by jim44444 on Apr 17, 2017 16:17:48 GMT -5
Ted, you have the right to not attend any function where your ex will be present. You have made your family aware of your feelings. That is all you can do.
You cannot forbid them to invite her. You crossed the line there.
Why your family choses her company over yours is beyond my comprehension. But they have and it is their choice. Can you invite your parents to your home without your ex? The same with your siblings. It may not be fair but you can make the first move.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 17, 2017 16:57:03 GMT -5
You should certainly attend!
Be festive! Fix her a plate of food! Sprinkle a little ricin on for added zest!
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Post by baza on Apr 17, 2017 17:44:23 GMT -5
You asked your parents to stop inviting her to functions.
They chose to invite whoever they liked to their functions.
You chose to respond by boycotting attending these functions and instead, running your own with your kids.
It's choice / consequence / response / choice in action.
You can't control what your parents do.
You can't control what your siblings do.
You can't control what your missus does.
You can control what you do.
You may well like your parents / siblings to be party to freezing her out.
But it's their choice whether they do or do not.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Apr 17, 2017 20:09:17 GMT -5
I've been planning to have a talk with my parents about their continuing to want to see my ex when they visit me. He and I have both maintained some type of contact with our ex-inlaws/families. My contact is mostly cards at Christmas and birthdays, and FB friends with my ex SIL. It is difficult for me knowing they still want to see him when they visit, and it bothers me because I get so many negative feelings when we do see him. It tends to be dinner or lunch out once during their once a year visit to me; I am transportation because they don't know the area well enough to go on their own. I can understand them still wanting to see him, as we were together almost 20 years, but it is not a comfortable experience for me. If I don't have to see him, I would rather not, and we do run into each other once in a while due to gatherings with mutual friends. From what I am reading here, it seems all i can do is express my feelings to them, add in how much he hurt me (they know most, but not all the details), and see what they say.
Ted, so sorry you are going through this.
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Post by WindSister on Apr 18, 2017 10:03:01 GMT -5
I think it sucks, honestly. Sucks on all their parts. Actual holidays with her? I am sorry, that sucks and I am sorry you are going through it. I agree there isn't much that can be done beyond voicing your concerns/hurt. But that doesn't take away the fact it downright sucks.
I don't get those exes who can't maintain boundaries with their ex-in-laws. I think it's very inappropriate on their part. Sure, talk every once in awhile. Sure, go out for lunch. But actual holidays? Crossing a line.
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Post by ted on Apr 18, 2017 11:05:25 GMT -5
You cannot forbid them to invite her. You crossed the line there. I agree. I didn't forbid them; I simply asked. In fact, if I recall correctly, my Mom asked me what I wanted, and when she didn't get the answer she wanted, she "had to discuss it with the family." They all met and emailed each other, and then came at me with a unified front. I've been doing this in fitting situations, e.g., my birthday; but looking ahead, I'm losing my enthusiasm for pursuing those relationships. |
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Post by ted on Apr 18, 2017 11:13:35 GMT -5
It's choice / consequence / response / choice in action. Indeed, it just sucks. I'm not trying to be vindictive and "freeze her out." I was just hoping for some safe space with my own family. I guess I shouldn't have counted them a part of my support network. Time to find reinforcements from elsewhere. |
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Post by ted on Apr 18, 2017 11:24:40 GMT -5
I am transportation because they don't know the area well enough to go on their own. I can understand them still wanting to see him, as we were together almost 20 years, but it is not a comfortable experience for me. Ouch. I suppose if they want to see him, that's their business, but I certainly wouldn't feel obligated to facilitate it for them. That's the part to which I'd object, and a seemingly reasonable place to draw a boundary. Valuing and caring for myself means not helping people do things that hurt me. Thanks for the support, misssunnybunny . |
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Post by Dan on Apr 18, 2017 13:23:29 GMT -5
a) If you are still invited to future family gatherings... proceed to step "c".
b) Make it known that you'd like to be invited to future gatherings; that you've come to terms with the fact that they still invite your ex. Repeat until re-invited.
c) Get in touch with the hottest woman you know that is close to your age. If you don't know any, ask a female acquaintance here.
Barring that... there is always Craigslist.
d) Invite this woman to be your "date" for the next family gathering. (Unannounced, of course.) Fawn all over her. Plenty of PDA, to boot. (Arrange this ahead of time, of course, that it is all for show; she needs to play along to help you out.)
I'm not sure what all this accomplishes.... except if you never get invited back to the family gatherings again, at least you went out with a bang.
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Post by Dan on Apr 18, 2017 13:26:24 GMT -5
... it seems all i can do is express my feelings to them ... Here's something else to do instead: a) Install Uber on your mom's phone. Add her credit card to the account. b) When they need a lift to go see him, hail an Uber for her from her phone. (I guess I'm in a cantankerous mood at the moment. Or this thread put be there....) |
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Post by misssunnybunny on Apr 18, 2017 13:36:06 GMT -5
I'll be having the talk with them when they are here visiting this week. I feel torn because I know they still care about him as a person and the good daughter part of me doesn't want to get in the way of that. My parents and I are pretty close and I think they will understand and respect my feelings.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 18, 2017 14:15:00 GMT -5
a) If you are still invited to future family gatherings... proceed to step "c". b) Make it known that you'd like to be invited to future gatherings; that you've come to terms with the fact that they still invite your ex. Repeat until re-invited. c) Get in touch with the hottest woman you know that is close to your age. If you don't know any, ask a female acquaintance here. Barring that... there is always Craigslist. d) Invite this woman to be your "date" for the next family gathering. (Unannounced, of course.) Fawn all over her. Plenty of PDA, to boot. (Arrange this ahead of time, of course, that it is all for show; she needs to play along to help you out.) I'm not sure what all this accomplishes.... except if you never get invited back to the family gatherings again, at least you went out with a bang. Love that idea!! If I lived near ted I would do it! |
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Post by ted on Apr 23, 2017 13:19:23 GMT -5
Another weekend, another family event. Naturally, she's going and she's taking our kids.
I guess I need to work on coping with the emotions this new reality triggers.
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