She's taken my parents and siblings

I feel betrayed or violated. I hesitantly agreed to counseling on the condition it was a mediated conversation and not arbitration. If they're going without me, that's clearly not a conversation. And as I think back to how the sessions went, they did a lot of posturing for and appealing to counselor. So I feel somewhat betrayed, because we made an agreement that was important to me, a boundary on what I was willing to do, and it kinda got trampled.

What's the lesson? I suppose I let myself be too vulnerable to people with a bad track record. As I did many times in my SM, I let hope override reason. On the other hand, those are my parents (and that was my wife), so erring on the side of hope, giving the benefit of the doubt, and taking a risk—well, I don't regret that entirely. It's part of who I want to be with those who deserve it. But fool me twice, er, this many times; shame on me. Part of the lesson is definitely to be more cautious of my family from here on out.

Truthfully, I also feel some fear. I'm afraid they'll walk away from this even more empowered. "Well, the counselor you agreed to see and who heard your side of the story said such and such." But the lesson there is to not be afraid of what they think. The truth is, it doesn't matter what this counselor thinks or what my parents think, I'm allowed to weigh the inputs and render judgments for myself.

Me too, but I'll probably never know. He didn't reply, which might just be because he's old and bad with email. I'm certainly not going to ask my parents, and if they were to bring it up in a conversation, I'll end that conversation.

Thanks! I'm proud of the email I wrote to cancel. I explained myself well, despite the withering criticism I imagined on the receiving end. I'm getting better at standing up for myself despite my self-doubt, and in an appropriate, assertive way. My individual therapist was quite proud of me when I told her the full story. Yay for growth.

I definitely agree. I've spent long enough feeling responsible, long enough thinking it was my fault for not making my case well enough, long enough seeking their love. I've clearly laid out my boundaries, and explained the path that would be required to reconcile the relationship. The ball is in their court now, and I'm not going to keep running over to pick it up.

I'm grateful for all I've learned confronting them. I'm grateful for what it's shown me I do and don't want in my relationship with my own kids. And here we go forward, freer than I've ever been from the dysfunctions of my family. I embark with hope for my future.

Crazy question- but siblings... where do you fall in the birth order? For example are you the youngest of four? Only sisters or sisters and brothers?

I was curious about siblings since a lot of family dynamics can be predicted or explained by birth order. Though in your case, I think more may be explained by your whackadoodle parents.

I think as you have found your voice with your refuser, you will also find your voice with your parents.

Your job is to be fair and respectful. Setting boundaries is a really hard thing to do after years of a cattle stampede running over them.

But it gets easier with time and practice, brother.

I didn't tell them during my marriage. I was ashamed, because it was about sex, and sex was an embarrassing, bad thing in my family. I was ashamed because STBX had me convinced I was wrong for wanting sex, and I was afraid my family would agree with her. I only told a few, close male friends, and only after many years. Gosh, the last people I'd talk to about that was my family. I suppose that's an early sign right there of the kind of relationship I have with my family.

I told them pretty much immediately after I left. The reactions were predictable. My parents blamed me from all sorts of angles. My siblings were somewhat sympathetic. As we've discussed elsewhere, I don't think any of them truly comprehend what a SM is like. Everyone insisted separation and divorce was an unacceptable way to handle the problem.

I certainly complicated things when I started quietly seeing a girlfriend a few months after leaving. They labeled that an affair, which provided them an easy simplification to the whole story, to which they gladly latched. That's a warning, perhaps, to those who would do things outside of the societally-, subculturally-, or family-accepted order. Truthfully, I don't think it actually changed much about my situation—the divorce was anathema enough—but it did provide everyone with a nice, tidy scapegoat and label that fit their worldview.

I am *very* glad for the support of you all here. I don't think I could have done any of this without the EP group on which I lurked, and this group in which I finally participated a bit. (And a note to lurkers: you will get more out of it once you jump in and participate.)

Oh, and to update the story:

It's been two months since I terminated counseling with my parents. I never did hear a word from the counselor or them about it, and I haven't heard a single word from them since.

I did finally see them at a family birthday party for my oldest (at my STBX's house—where else?). After hanging back for 10 minutes or so to observe the landscape, I crossed the room, gave them each a hug, and said I it was nice to see them. I sensed a tension leave the room; everyone else must have known (of course, they all talk) and wondered what was going to happen with us in the same place.

I'll probably remember that as one of the inflection points in my life—the moment I was no longer the child, but the adult in the relationship.