She's taken my parents and siblings

Thanks, eternaloptimism. I went to the driving range and hit a bucket of balls. It's not exactly "stuff I always wanted to do," but it qualifies as "Ted stuff," and it burned off a little adrenaline. Small steps.

Family drama.  Does it get anymore dramatic than that?!  Oh, yeah.  Sexless marriage drama.  Totally forgot about that one.

Ted, I can relate to the situation that you're experiencing and know where you're coming from with all of that.  Yeah, it totally sucks.  But It's good that you care to want to be with your family. The fact is, that people will do what they want to do regardless of your thoughts or feelings about any particular situation. You'd think family would stand by you in certain situations, but you're only creating more grief for yourself by holding on to that expectation. I know just how frustrating it must be.  

From my perspective, you have 2 choices here.  Well, at least 2 that I can think of at the moment. You can say, "Fuck it", realizing that you do care about your family and that not seeing them when you can might create some kind of regret for you down the road.  I mean, time does go by and with it opportunities to be with those that you love.  As an example, I'll share with you a bit about my situation.  And I promise not to steal your thunder while doing so.  I have 2 sisters.  Both of which are extremely toxic to my physical and mental health. CDC (wear your orange containment unit suit) toxic.  Every year I travel down to Florida to visit them.  Why on earth would I want to do a thing like that?!?? Because my mother lives with one of them. And because I love my mom, I put up with her.  My older sis is what is known as an Emotional Vampire.  She'll suck the life energy out of you if you let her.  OK, so I come away from the situation drained.  But what helps me to deal with it while I'm there is the fact that I focus on what REALLY matters.  And that is, that I get to spend quality time with a mother that I love and care about.  It's not like she's going to be around forever, and I only get to see her a few days a year. Now, there's that other sister. My fraternal twin.  I have to deal with her too when I'm in Florida.  You'd think we'd be close, being that she's a twin and all.  Well, we actually get along a little bit better since she moved 1,300 miles away.  But OMG!!  She is SO difficult to deal with.  It's not even like walking on eggshells with her, it's like walking on a very thin layer of molten magma that can give way at any moment.  That should give you an idea of what it's like being around my 2 sisters.  OK, so choice #1 involves focusing on what's truly important.  One way of coping with a situation that you're totally not happy with; and one that makes you feel like you're being betrayed, is to stop making yourself into a victim. It's just a matter of people wanting to do what they want to do regardless of the situation.

You mention that you wanted a safe space with your family.  OK. I can understand that. But if you don't feel like you have one with them (when your STBX is around), then create one for YOURSELF. Allow YOU to be the safe space. Then it will be like you have an invisible bubble around you (similar to a CDC containment suit) and no one can touch you. Nothing will bother you. It all just moves around you but doesn't get in.  But before you create this bubble around you, depressurize it of any negative emotions.  The only emotions you want to keep inside of your bubble are the positive ones. Forget that your family has (seemingly) sided with your STBX.  Dispel any notions that your STBX is conspiring against you in any way, regardless of whether it's true or not.  Let her be the martyr. You can be the better man by just going about things like it doesn't bother you. Easier said than done? Well, let me tell you my friend. If I can do it. Anyone can. And I'm talking about a situation that has literally induced panic (anxiety) attacks. Believe me, the symptoms can feel so real and so terrifying. My situation with my family did not change and won't change. But "I" changed. Remember, it's not really them against you. It's you against you. Stop fighting with yourself. It's not a fight that you can win.  When you're in your bubble and it starts to feel like it might pop, just say to yourself, "This too shall pass."  And the fact is, that it will.  

Now ... moving on to Choice #2.  Choice #2 didn't work out for me.  It involved avoiding my sisters entirely. But that meant not seeing my mother (and also my wife's sister, whose family are really pleasant to be around). It's kind of convenient to vacation in South Florida because I get to stay at the beach; and since my family doesn't live far from where I stay, I get to visit them. And believe me, after visiting them, I needed the beach to recuperate from the mental and emotional drain that I experience while there.  At that point, I hadn't invented the "Emotional Bubble" yet. Now this is why choice #2 didn't really work.  At first it did. But only until I started feeling the negative effects of such a choice.  For 3 years I lied about where I was going to vacation.  I stayed at the same place.  But would drive right by my family's house on the way down to Florida, thereby avoiding all that stress. But in doing so, I created a different kind of stress that was caused by guilt.  I felt so horribly guilty by the 3rd year of not seeing my family, that I had to resort to a healthier coping mechanism. That's when I came up with the Bubble idea. The realization that I missed precious time with those that I love and care about made me feel worse off than if I had just put all of my negative emotions aside.  It was just a matter of changing my perspective in such a way that would help me to better deal with a difficult situation. Mind you, there are times when I actually think about Choosing #2 again.  But I quickly change my mind when I think about the fact that all things will pass.  That's good, because you know that situations like the one that you're in won't last forever.  But you also don't want to let slip by any opportunities to experience the good within all the perceived bad, or even the perceived ugly.  Because when you look at things from a different perspective, it changes your perception of things. Think of it all as a win-win situation. Everyone will get something out of it in their own way.  Including you. 

Don't know if any of this has helped you, Ted. But I hope it has in some way or another. 

^^^^^^Just.... WOW.  LOVED THIS!!!  ^^^^^^^

"Allow YOU to be the safe place."  

 It's hard right now, but you will find it gets easier with time.  You will find your niche in the family again and it will be meaningful.  But love that idea of being your own safe place.  Great stuff.  

Good for you setting boundaries. I’m sorry it’s been so hard for you and that they don’t seem to be listening. I hope it will get better. And if it doesn’t I hope for you that you’ll be able to move on and construct your family in the way you need for YOU.

What did the therapist have to say?

I'm glad for you and emotionally hurt for you at the same time. There is so much going on here, sadly I relate to too much of it, especially what I went through with having my FIL living right there in the center of "MY FAMILY- MY WIFE- MY HOUSE-MY KIDS- MY FINANCES" I think that is the first time I have ever listed those things as "mine".

How dare I consider other people as "mine" but when things go wrong... suddenly it's my responsibility, my duty, my problems.

There are Bible verses that I find extremely powerful and helpful as a guide line to setting boundaries. When it comes to leaving your parents and having your own family. www.openbible.info/topics/leaving_parents

You asked for what you wanted, you put yourself first, you stopped seeking approval, you faced your fears, and you where brutally honest, you are no longer ashamed of asking for what you want. Your family is not used to that. They are not going to change, but you will and you will see the change in how new relationships treat you.

There's a lot of casualties that come from a divorce. One of the big ones is ending relationships outside of the marriage. Fortunately it opens the door to new relationships, with work on your part.

My ex tried some of this on me recently, having the teens there when her family is there, shoving it onto them. My daughter informed me " mom is having her relatives over and wants us to invite our friends to be with them. I don't want to. I'm not interested in being with them, it's boring, it's embarrassing to my friends, the house is still a mess. If my friend comes over I am going to just hide in my room with her anyway. My brother and sister are already planning on avoiding it and going over to their friends houses, they don't want to be a part of it. My friends don't want to have to listen to 85 yr old grandpa, he won't shut up."

I then found myself offering to my teens, " My sister lives in the mountains near the Blue Ridge Parkway, she would love to have us spend a week with her in the fall, and see all the leaves changing, would you like to do that?" They where like, " yea... that would be great, maybe we could see snow!!"

There is so much that goes on with families and their set in stone ways. Again my heart goes out to you, and applaud you for considering YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILY!

Thanks for the affirmation, choosinghappy .

The therapist has played it pretty neutral throughout. He’s occasionally restated some of my positions in analogies or stories in an a thinly veiled attempt to get my parents to concede an obvious point, but they always identify some trivial difference between his hypothetical and our situation, and use it to entirely dismiss his argument. It makes them sound pretty stupid, actually. (Again, can they not see things like this or have they no shame?)

He does often remark that their positions are unusual, but he never confronts them with it. In fact, so that his remarks don’t sound too critical, he often trips over himself to say “It’s unusual, but I understand that your family dynamics and closeness to her are different than most situations.” I’m not sure what he actually means, but they take it as a complement and a justification for dismissing any comparisons to societal norms.

The one point on which he’s most clearly given his opinion is that it’s quite unreasonable to expect me to be okay with her presence at holidays, or ask me to take turns with her. But they’re unswayed even on that issue.

He’s pushed me a few times, suggesting perhaps there are deeper, childhood reasons for my opposition to my parents. I’ve always admitted the possibly for some component of that, but make the counterpoint that I am first and foremost trying to address current-day logistical issues with my post-divorce life here, and that those are motivation enough for my boundary setting.

He’s said a few times, directed towards me, “I’d really like to understand where your anger is coming from,” as if it’s a problem. I think he’s off-base here. First of all, I’ve answered several times: “Well, to the extent you’re seeing some anger, recognize we’re talking about boundary-crossing with regard to my self-definition, my wife, and my children. So you might understand the territory can’t be any more sensitive for me than that.” Secondly, if you were a fly on the wall, I think you’d be hard pressed to label me as angry. Mostly, I’d say I’ve been more rhetorically powerful, because I’m articulate, clear, rational, direct, etc.; especially in contrast to them. Yes, I’ve flourished some anger at times: firmness, a bit of a stern face, a determined and serious tone of voice. I think it’s amazingly healthy of me, actually! I’m very proud of my newfound ability to stand up for myself. At no point have I ever lost my composure, used sarcasm, resorted to name calling or ad hominem, or raised my voice—all things they’ve done routinely in these sessions, by the way. My best guess is that was trying to find something critical to say to me in order to appear fair and even handed, but who knows.

Counselors should really be more carful about unwittingly coaching codependents to be more agreeable and nice unless there’s really a problem to be addressed. Especially in a setting where I’ve finally mustered the courage to confront the very people that made me that way! That’s about the worst thing he could have said to my formerly codependent self; it would have thrown me into a tizzy of self-doubt and weakness. I’m glad I’ve been doing my own individual for therapy for years now and have a more stable, well-developed sense of self, and some integration of the anger formerly repressed and relegated to my shadow. Yeah, when you’re actively poking me in the sensitive parts, look the fuck out.

In summary, joint counseling is pretty much for the dogs. It wasn’t very helpful with my STBX, and it hasn’t been helpful with my parents. The only reason I agreed is that it was the only condition under which my parents would have a discussion. They refuse to talk to me outside of the counselor’s office (but do expect I’ll show up at family gatherings and play nice).

FWIW I think that out of adversity, great opportunity arises for learning and personal growth and evolvement.

Indeed this group - in my opinion - contains some of the most evolved and evolving people I know.

None of this is much fun in the moment, that's for sure, but good does come out of it.

Keep evolving Brother ted .
You are going well.