She's taken my parents and siblings

elynne I cannot disagree with this advice more. Do not keep kids from grandparents and extended family that love them as part of a pawn in divorce management. If his family is being this way to him he should communicate directly, ask them for a few therapy sessions, hell, even go on a talk radio show to get their attention!! There is likely some old relationship stuff at play.

Do NOT use children like a belonging you can withold. "Your kids, your rules." Fuck that. Make choices about what is best for you not at your kids expense if you are unable to put them first. This is not their fault.

Just to add, I may very well be reading my own background into Ted’s story, and if someone hasn’t been raised in a toxic family (borderline or narcissistic parents) then my response would appear harsh and unnecessary.

But IF one has been raised by cluster B parents, folks who consistently bulldoze healthy boundaries and destroy an individual’s sense of self then the only way to deal with them is to protect yourself, to set healthy boundaries, to defend them. One has to create appropriate consequences for trampling boundaries. Not to punish, not to hurt, but to enforce a healthy individuation.

It seems to me that Ted’s parents and ex-spouse have a lot of parallels in how they treat him; almost like schoolyard bullies beating up on a smaller child to make themselves feel powerful.

I wholeheartedly back Ted for standing up for himself and clearly stating what is and what is not acceptable in the way they treat him. He’s been incredibly forgiving, accommodating and open to compromise and communication. I can not say the same for his family.

If he sets boundaries and consequences and enforces then, good for him! It takes an enormous amount of strength to break those unhealthy patterns that have been forced on you since childhood. As a side effect he’s also modeling healthy behavior for his four kids and giving them some inoculation from becoming victims of the same unhealthy patterns in their lives.

I've finally sent the email. Wow, that was much harder than I expected.

I even tried to draw upon the rational clarity and powerful emotions brought on when I heard about the multiple visits my Mom had with my STBX and kids immediately following our last session. But I'm probably being unreasonable: even at sensitive times like this, royal weddings must be observed with tea and watch parties, right? And nice weather obligates one to meet-ups at the park, right? And I'm sure there aren't any other babysitters in the world when my STBX schedules an appointment on her kid-days, right?

Yes, we have a schedule of alternating holidays and a 50% split of time and responsibilities besides. The kids do make things more complicated, right? It'd be easier to write people off and move on if I didn't have to consider their relationships with my kids.

I'm trying my best to avoid using my kids as pawns, although what that means in a given situation is sometimes hard to figure out. As far as holidays are concerned, I've decided that, for example, if I'm not attending my parents' Christmas, I'm not going to just drop the kids off in my stead (as my parents have suggested would be fair*). But that's not to spite them—that's because I consider my kids and me to be a family unit, and we're going to spend our Christmas together, even if that's at my house, alone, forging our own traditions. And having been through many rounds of this already, I've kept an eye on my kids, and as far as I can tell, missing out on these family gatherings is mostly a non-event for them. We've had some great times, just us. They've never even mentioned what I knew we were missing. It might matter far more to my parents than it actually does to my kids.

My situation is weird, because my kids do have quite an involved relationship with my parents via my STBX. I've told my parents and my STBX that I would strongly prefer to be the means by which my kids had a relationship with my parents, but regardless, they all reject that notion. So as a byproduct, my kids see my parents a lot, and that's not a problem I actually have to solve—albeit a problem I'd welcome the chance to solve.

*And to invite my id out to play: Like hell I'm going to just hand my kids over on Christmas day! Who in their f'ing right mind would think they ought to have someone else's kids on Christmas day, over and above their parent?

Imagine if that had been your parent instead of her's. That's a special kick in the balls.

(And I'm not at all trying to rank our situations. I wouldn't trade with you for one minute! After what you went through, you're Saint greatcoastal of ILIASM as far as I'm concerned.)

Are you surprised?  They found a counselor who sided with them.  Once you leave the counselors office YOU are the one who has to deal with the consequences of their behaviors, not the counselor.  You still have the power to control the situation. It's going to take enforcing your boundaries and dealing with their disapproval and resentment that they no longer get everything just the way they want it.  You will be telling them that you call the shots, this is your family, you are the head of the household, as they continue to disrespect your position, oh well that's their problem.

So they're going to therapy by themselves. Let them. Their conversations with third parties need not concern you.