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Post by wom360 on Feb 19, 2017 21:59:29 GMT -5
I would ask your mother if she had a conversation with your wife about why your wife refused to be an actual wife with you. I would probably also remind her that even faced with divorce she did not make an effort to be sexual with you.
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 19, 2017 22:00:10 GMT -5
...and in today's episode of How My Family Is Helping: Got a text this afternoon from a friend of mine who's a minister in my hometown (and also was in our wedding), saying that he was pleasantly surprised to see my wife at his church this morning. Huh. I thought she was in the mountains hiking. Texted my sister, asking if she was with them. "Yeah...apparently she's visiting with mom and dad today... I guess she and mom have been talking every day for a while now. " Nice. Sounds like it's time to have another talk with them about boundaries. Great..... the last thing you need!! I'm wondering how long your parents will fall for her false identity? The truth will expose it itself. She will mess up eventually. But you really shouldn't have to go through that. Time to demand zero communication. Don't allow her to manipulate them any further. Time to stand your ground, and take more ground, take back what's rightfully yours. |
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Post by thefullmoon on Feb 20, 2017 1:43:59 GMT -5
I would ask your mother if she had a conversation with your wife about why your wife refused to be an actual wife with you. I would probably also remind her that even faced with divorce she did not make an effort to be sexual with you. How assexual person can turn into sexual person even after many conversations? It is up to her partner to decide is it a deal breaker... |
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Post by seabr33z3 on Feb 20, 2017 3:05:57 GMT -5
Of all days, my dad decides to email both of us the full text of 1 Corinthians 13. You know, the whole part about love believes all things, endures all things, etc. Ugh. Please, stop. I've already told him it's not helping anything. " Hey dad, thank you for thinking of us. I really enjoyed those Bible verses, but 1 Corinthians 7 verse 5 has been on my mind a lot. You know the one ' do not deprive eachother except perhaps by MUTUAL consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, THEN come together again so that Satan will not TEMPT you because of your lack of control'. Would you do me a favour dad, would you perhaps email wife and myself that verse with your thoughts on it? Thanks dad! It's great to know I have your back! Love Tiger "......This verse is specifically about not witholding sex. Passive aggressive? Yep! You bet! |
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Post by snowman12345 on Feb 20, 2017 6:37:39 GMT -5
Of all days, my dad decides to email both of us the full text of 1 Corinthians 13. You know, the whole part about love believes all things, endures all things, etc. Ugh. Please, stop. I've already told him it's not helping anything. " Hey dad, thank you for thinking of us. I really enjoyed those Bible verses, but 1 Corinthians 7 verse 5 has been on my mind a lot. You know the one ' do not deprive eachother except perhaps by MUTUAL consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, THEN come together again so that Satan will not TEMPT you because of your lack of control'. Would you do me a favour dad, would you perhaps email wife and myself that verse with your thoughts on it? Thanks dad! It's great to know I have your back! Love Tiger "......This verse is specifically about not witholding sex. Passive aggressive? Yep! You bet! I love a good passive aggressive approach! |
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Post by WindSister on Feb 20, 2017 11:00:38 GMT -5
1 Corinthians 13 makes a nice verse for a hallmark card but it is far from our reality. It is a great thing for 2 people who are in love completely. It does not work for roommates. So true. It does not work when one is living it, doing it and the other is shut off doing his or her own thing. A couple needs to be on the same page for such a passage to have any real meaning or drive their behaviors. One doing it does not work and that is so often what happens in these marriages. Now I can read it and think yes ---- it does work like that. But it takes two. Everyone here knows it, but one can "give up" many ways without actually divorcing. The one asking for the divorce may look like the one giving up but that is rarely the full truth. |
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Post by WindSister on Feb 20, 2017 11:03:53 GMT -5
There is a marriage "saving" program out there called "The Love Dare". It is based ion the principles in 1 Corth. 13. The premise of the program is that if you treat your spouse in the way described in that chapter, your can turn your spouse's heart back to you, because they can't help but feel the love from you.
Well I decided what have I got to lose. I took the course, which lasts for one year. I downloaded the materials and followed it exactly as outlined. And guess what? You guessed it, NOTHING in my wife changed. She didn't even notice (or at least didn't say) that she had noticed the changes I had made. There was even a section of the program addressing sex. Nope, didn't happen.
There was a place on-line where people could keep a journal of their progress. Of the dozen or so who kept journals on there, only 2 were able to turn their marriage around. The rest ended up separated and/or divorced (Christian and Non-Christian). And my marriage did not change either.
My point to this is to say, as has been said on this site many times, it takes BOTH people working together, to change a marriage. One person CANNOT do it alone, no matter what some "expert" says.
This 2 out of 12 turnaround rate is a spectacularly successful claim. That's 16.67% !!!!!!!!!!!!! The general run of turnarounds in this group is more like 00.02% Maybe if we all got religion - - - - - - ? Yeah, but what do they base that success rate/turn around claim on and for how long? Are the couples actually HAPPY and THRIVING together or just enduring because the Bible told them to. Do they check back after a year? Two? |
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Post by solodriver on Feb 20, 2017 23:01:59 GMT -5
This 2 out of 12 turnaround rate is a spectacularly successful claim. That's 16.67% !!!!!!!!!!!!! The general run of turnarounds in this group is more like 00.02% Maybe if we all got religion - - - - - - ? Yeah, but what do they base that success rate/turn around claim on and for how long? Are the couples actually HAPPY and THRIVING together or just enduring because the Bible told them to. Do they check back after a year? Two? Not sure about that, I never went back to follow up when I finished because I was discouraged.  |
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Post by cagedtiger on Feb 20, 2017 23:15:35 GMT -5
So, as an interesting aside, that minister friend of mine who texted me yesterday got divorced while he was the senior pastor at our church. He and his new wife, who was also a divorcee, got married shortly before he took over at his current church.
Actually, their wedding reception was one of the last times I thought the wife and I were going to have sex (February of last year). She got drunk and flirty, but then on the way home started complaining about a headache and passed out.
I slept in the guest room and cried myself to sleep.
Anyway, several of the deacons have been divorced, and nobody thinks any less of them. Nor did they think any less of our former pastor and his ex-wife when that situation was going down.
So it's definitely not a thing that has to do with any expectations from our particular church. Though I think her upbringing plays a lot more into it than she's willing to admit.
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Post by unmatched on Feb 21, 2017 1:27:56 GMT -5
Of all days, my dad decides to email both of us the full text of 1 Corinthians 13. You know, the whole part about love believes all things, endures all things, etc. Ugh. Please, stop. I've already told him it's not helping anything. My mom does the same thing. She likes to ask a question and open the Bible and then poke your finger at it and viola! a passage stating a solution to your problem. As we know, you can interpret the Biblical words in any way you want, so I do. I just tried this. (Actually I did in online and not in a real book, but I guess that counts...) I got: I spread out my hands to you;
I thirst for you like a parched land.
Psalm 143:6
Maybe there is something in it? |
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Post by baza on Feb 21, 2017 2:06:04 GMT -5
So, as an interesting aside, that minister friend of mine who texted me yesterday got divorced while he was the senior pastor at our church. He and his new wife, who was also a divorcee, got married shortly before he took over at his current church. Actually, their wedding reception was one of the last times I thought the wife and I were going to have sex (February of last year). She got drunk and flirty, but then on the way home started complaining about a headache and passed out. I slept in the guest room and cried myself to sleep. Anyway, several of the deacons have been divorced, and nobody thinks any less of them. Nor did they think any less of our former pastor and his ex-wife when that situation was going down. So it's definitely not a thing that has to do with any expectations from our particular church. Though I think her upbringing plays a lot more into it than she's willing to admit. You are spot on in identifying this as "an interesting aside". The main game, of bringing this to an orderly end (if that's possible) continues. PS - are you back under the same roof ? (your reference to the guest room indicates you are). That (if so) is going to be rather difficult. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Feb 21, 2017 5:46:13 GMT -5
So, as an interesting aside, that minister friend of mine who texted me yesterday got divorced while he was the senior pastor at our church. He and his new wife, who was also a divorcee, got married shortly before he took over at his current church. Actually, their wedding reception was one of the last times I thought the wife and I were going to have sex (February of last year). She got drunk and flirty, but then on the way home started complaining about a headache and passed out. I slept in the guest room and cried myself to sleep. Anyway, several of the deacons have been divorced, and nobody thinks any less of them. Nor did they think any less of our former pastor and his ex-wife when that situation was going down. So it's definitely not a thing that has to do with any expectations from our particular church. Though I think her upbringing plays a lot more into it than she's willing to admit. You are spot on in identifying this as "an interesting aside". The main game, of bringing this to an orderly end (if that's possible) continues. PS - are you back under the same roof ? (your reference to the guest room indicates you are). That (if so) is going to be rather difficult. No, still staying with the same friend. I have a really, really hard time even thinking about being back in that house for anything other than picking up my mail or clothes. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 21, 2017 8:07:21 GMT -5
So, as an interesting aside, that minister friend of mine who texted me yesterday got divorced while he was the senior pastor at our church. He and his new wife, who was also a divorcee, got married shortly before he took over at his current church. Actually, their wedding reception was one of the last times I thought the wife and I were going to have sex (February of last year). She got drunk and flirty, but then on the way home started complaining about a headache and passed out. I slept in the guest room and cried myself to sleep. Anyway, several of the deacons have been divorced, and nobody thinks any less of them. Nor did they think any less of our former pastor and his ex-wife when that situation was going down. So it's definitely not a thing that has to do with any expectations from our particular church. Though I think her upbringing plays a lot more into it than she's willing to admit. absolutely interesting aside. Sounds like an IDEAL CHURCH . . . Maybe have your Divorced Pastor sit down with you and your father . . . this might give some badly needed credibility to get your parents off your back and out of your business. We all know WHY and you have our full support but there out in the field with your family - a Pastor might get them to calm down - I am thinking to get them out of your business is the point. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Feb 21, 2017 11:39:39 GMT -5
So, as an interesting aside, that minister friend of mine who texted me yesterday got divorced while he was the senior pastor at our church. He and his new wife, who was also a divorcee, got married shortly before he took over at his current church. Actually, their wedding reception was one of the last times I thought the wife and I were going to have sex (February of last year). She got drunk and flirty, but then on the way home started complaining about a headache and passed out. I slept in the guest room and cried myself to sleep. Anyway, several of the deacons have been divorced, and nobody thinks any less of them. Nor did they think any less of our former pastor and his ex-wife when that situation was going down. So it's definitely not a thing that has to do with any expectations from our particular church. Though I think her upbringing plays a lot more into it than she's willing to admit. absolutely interesting aside. Sounds like an IDEAL CHURCH . . . Maybe have your Divorced Pastor sit down with you and your father . . . this might give some badly needed credibility to get your parents off your back and out of your business. We all know WHY and you have our full support but there out in the field with your family - a Pastor might get them to calm down - I am thinking to get them out of your business is the point. I don't know if he's talked to our friends here or not, but I'm hoping to grab a beer with him the next time I'm home in a few weeks. Bring him up to speed, since we're friends, and he was the one who did our (very abbreviated) premarriage counseling. I emailed the wife to set up when we're meeting up, and asked her how the weekend in the mountains was, and how the visit with my parents was. Then emailed my dad about something unrelated and asked how the visit with her was. He said the visit was "fruitful." Not even sure what that means. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 21, 2017 12:01:33 GMT -5
absolutely interesting aside. Sounds like an IDEAL CHURCH . . . Maybe have your Divorced Pastor sit down with you and your father . . . this might give some badly needed credibility to get your parents off your back and out of your business. We all know WHY and you have our full support but there out in the field with your family - a Pastor might get them to calm down - I am thinking to get them out of your business is the point. I don't know if he's talked to our friends here or not, but I'm hoping to grab a beer with him the next time I'm home in a few weeks. Bring him up to speed, since we're friends, and he was the one who did our (very abbreviated) premarriage counseling. I emailed the wife to set up when we're meeting up, and asked her how the weekend in the mountains was, and how the visit with my parents was. Then emailed my dad about something unrelated and asked how the visit with her was. He said the visit was "fruitful." Not even sure what that means. My guess is your family acting in "good faith" and "just trying to help" is intervening to save your marriage and because they probably think you are making a mistake. I have told my Parents and brother and I get back immediately "You have our full support- We Love You" - they are not trying to fix anything and are just respecting my decision whatever it might be. Conversely, I told some of my good friends and most respect my decision but seem to be trying to talk me out of it - I suspect - it is scaring some of them because their in SM marriages too and do not want to confront it themselves. There was a a post on another thread about "PERMISSION" - that seeking other advice and all that including from family approval is seeking "permission" - well I think many on this Forum can go past this and as adults and we are the best expert on ourselves (in most cases) we can weigh and act and know what is in our best interests. You have our full support (no brainer of course on this Forum!!!). Respect. |
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