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Post by solodriver on Feb 18, 2017 17:36:04 GMT -5
There is a marriage "saving" program out there called "The Love Dare". It is based ion the principles in 1 Corth. 13. The premise of the program is that if you treat your spouse in the way described in that chapter, your can turn your spouse's heart back to you, because they can't help but feel the love from you.
Well I decided what have I got to lose. I took the course, which lasts for one year. I downloaded the materials and followed it exactly as outlined. And guess what? You guessed it, NOTHING in my wife changed. She didn't even notice (or at least didn't say) that she had noticed the changes I had made. There was even a section of the program addressing sex. Nope, didn't happen.
There was a place on-line where people could keep a journal of their progress. Of the dozen or so who kept journals on there, only 2 were able to turn their marriage around. The rest ended up separated and/or divorced (Christian and Non-Christian). And my marriage did not change either.
My point to this is to say, as has been said on this site many times, it takes BOTH people working together, to change a marriage. One person CANNOT do it alone, no matter what some "expert" says.
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Post by cc on Feb 18, 2017 18:01:36 GMT -5
Yes! It takes both. We have done LOVE DARE, too. My H never makes it past the first step...isn't it the ask what you can do to be helpful step? I know when he is attempting to start it again, I allow it. I sweetly say what I would like help with. It never goes past that. I have attempted the entire book, but it is hard without some sort of feedback. I bought that book so full of hope. I showed him the movie, he cried. Nothing ever goes past the initial reaction for him. Again, this goes back to my need of needing a spiritual leader in my home. It hasn't happened.
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 18, 2017 19:23:03 GMT -5
Yes! It takes both. We have done LOVE DARE, too. My H never makes it past the first step...isn't it the ask what you can do to be helpful step? I know when he is attempting to start it again, I allow it. I sweetly say what I would like help with. It never goes past that. I have attempted the entire book, but it is hard without some sort of feedback. I bought that book so full of hope. I showed him the movie, he cried. Nothing ever goes past the initial reaction for him. Again, this goes back to my need of needing a spiritual leader in my home. It hasn't happened. Things like Love Dare, Focus on the Family seminars, The Peaceful Wife, etc.... they all seem to have buried way down in the fine print the understanding that BOTH PARTNERS HAVE TO WANT TO CHANGE! Here are some of my favorite articles from shrink4men. A much better, set the record straight approach!! Don't let the tittle mis-lead you, it's all very useful info. for woman who live with a narc. husband. The doctor helps woman too! shrink4men.com/2011/01/19/presto-change-o-darvo-deny-attack-and-reverse-victim-and-offender/shrink4men.com/2012/04/05/putting-women-on-pedestals-dont-do-it/shrink4men.com/2012/04/05/putting-women-on-pedestals-dont-do-it/ |
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Post by cc on Feb 18, 2017 19:37:10 GMT -5
I'll read these soon!
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Post by solodriver on Feb 18, 2017 20:13:32 GMT -5
Yes! It takes both. We have done LOVE DARE, too. My H never makes it past the first step...isn't it the ask what you can do to be helpful step? I know when he is attempting to start it again, I allow it. I sweetly say what I would like help with. It never goes past that. I have attempted the entire book, but it is hard without some sort of feedback. I bought that book so full of hope. I showed him the movie, he cried. Nothing ever goes past the initial reaction for him. Again, this goes back to my need of needing a spiritual leader in my home. It hasn't happened. CC, I'm sorry for your experience also. The funny part is the first couple of chapters are the easiest to do. It get much harder and more complex the further down that journey you go. And the funny part is when your spouse rejects and doesn't acknowledge your actions, you're supposed to try not to be hurt but understanding. I found with me after about the 3rd time of that, I couldn't not feel hurt and said to myself "this is BS".
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Post by Dan on Feb 18, 2017 21:24:36 GMT -5
cagedtiger My mom is apparently praying continuously to St. Michael the Archangel so that he may intervene and save my marriage! (UGH!!) I get it! I wish they could just fully support us in our decisions. We are adults. My mom swears that 2 days on the beach will fix us. I told her, "Your not listening!" Again, if you just pray more it will all be ok.  SaveI don't understand why SHE isn't praying that HE will make YOU happier... instead of expecting YOU to pray how to make HIM happier. |
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Post by Dan on Feb 18, 2017 21:55:20 GMT -5
There is a marriage "saving" program out there called "The Love Dare". It is based ion the principles in 1 Corth. 13. The premise of the program is that if you treat your spouse in the way described in that chapter, your can turn your spouse's heart back to you, because they can't help but feel the love from you.
Well I decided what have I got to lose. I took the course, which lasts for one year. I downloaded the materials and followed it exactly as outlined. And guess what? You guessed it, NOTHING in my wife changed. She didn't even notice (or at least didn't say) that she had noticed the changes I had made. There was even a section of the program addressing sex. Nope, didn't happen.
There was a place on-line where people could keep a journal of their progress. Of the dozen or so who kept journals on there, only 2 were able to turn their marriage around. The rest ended up separated and/or divorced (Christian and Non-Christian). And my marriage did not change either.
Wait, wait! A man of faith... Not afraid to use logic, fact, statistics, and the scientific method... Even in determining if something faith-related holds up to scrutiny??? Apparently, I have just met my long lost twin! |
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Post by cc on Feb 18, 2017 22:18:32 GMT -5
My mom swears that 2 days on the beach will fix us. I told her, "Your not listening!" Again, if you just pray more it will all be ok. SaveI don't understand why SHE isn't praying that HE will make YOU happier... instead of expecting YOU to pray how to make HIM happier. Because we women are taught that we are to do more, be more, but not to much. If that man would just let me make him happy and he needed me, we wouldn't be here, no prayers needed. Save |
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Post by Carol on Feb 19, 2017 1:56:12 GMT -5
cagedtiger My mom is apparently praying continuously to St. Michael the Archangel so that he may intervene and save my marriage! (UGH!!) I get it! I wish they could just fully support us in our decisions. We are adults. I know fhis is all too well. Since I suffer from depression and anxiety, my parents think all my decisions are totally based on my emotions and that I blame all my issues on other factors (jobs, relationships, etc.). Let's put it this way, before I met my H, anytime a relationship crumbled, my mom would ask me what I did to cause him to break up with me! Never could it be someone else's fault, that the guy was just an ass. I'm really close to my Mom. She has always been my go to person all my life, but she can be extremely judgemental too. This is why I have never brought up to my family that I am in a sexless marriage. I would once again get the blame for doing something to cause this. I really don't know how much support I'd get from my family if I were to leave. |
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Post by baza on Feb 19, 2017 2:16:24 GMT -5
There is a marriage "saving" program out there called "The Love Dare". It is based ion the principles in 1 Corth. 13. The premise of the program is that if you treat your spouse in the way described in that chapter, your can turn your spouse's heart back to you, because they can't help but feel the love from you.
Well I decided what have I got to lose. I took the course, which lasts for one year. I downloaded the materials and followed it exactly as outlined. And guess what? You guessed it, NOTHING in my wife changed. She didn't even notice (or at least didn't say) that she had noticed the changes I had made. There was even a section of the program addressing sex. Nope, didn't happen.
There was a place on-line where people could keep a journal of their progress. Of the dozen or so who kept journals on there, only 2 were able to turn their marriage around. The rest ended up separated and/or divorced (Christian and Non-Christian). And my marriage did not change either.
My point to this is to say, as has been said on this site many times, it takes BOTH people working together, to change a marriage. One person CANNOT do it alone, no matter what some "expert" says.
This 2 out of 12 turnaround rate is a spectacularly successful claim. That's 16.67% !!!!!!!!!!!!! The general run of turnarounds in this group is more like 00.02% Mabe if we all got religion - - - - - - ? |
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Post by snowman12345 on Feb 19, 2017 6:29:04 GMT -5
Of all days, my dad decides to email both of us the full text of 1 Corinthians 13. You know, the whole part about love believes all things, endures all things, etc. Ugh. Please, stop. I've already told him it's not helping anything. cagedtiger I do not want a theological debate. In my line of work people often ask me to pray with them trying to heal themselves or a loved one. And I do pray with them. What does it matter what I believe? It only matters what they believe. Does it do them any harm? No. Does it do me any harm? No. You can interpret that passage in another way - in order for us to survive, we must love ourselves - first and foremost. Love endures all things including nosey relatives.
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Post by shamwow on Feb 19, 2017 9:30:24 GMT -5
I'm a devout Jesus follower...But I know his plan is not for me to feel like this in my marriage. It isn't for me to be lonely. This isn't how we three set up this covenant. H and I know all the verses. I've had us in so many marriage groups. Simply as a woman I am hearing from the church that I need to be more and self sacrificing. What do they think I've been doing? No one is equipped in the church to deal with this. It's too hard. Faith can be an amazing thing. In my life, I've been Catholic, atheist, born again, agnositc. Today, I'd peg myself as a Deist / Taoist, with growing leanings towards Buddhism. I have read the Bible cover to cover (New Testament a couple dozen times), the Koran, Torah, Tao Te Ching, the Bhagavad Gita, and other holy books. For me, all of them contain aspects of the truth. And often, I've learned that there are huge differences within a faith depending upon who your priest/pastor/guru/guide is. If your church is telling you something that you know, deep down, isn't right, it's time to find another church within your faith. |
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Post by snowman12345 on Feb 19, 2017 18:16:43 GMT -5
I'm a devout Jesus follower...But I know his plan is not for me to feel like this in my marriage. It isn't for me to be lonely. This isn't how we three set up this covenant. H and I know all the verses. I've had us in so many marriage groups. Simply as a woman I am hearing from the church that I need to be more and self sacrificing. What do they think I've been doing? No one is equipped in the church to deal with this. It's too hard. Faith can be an amazing thing. In my life, I've been Catholic, atheist, born again, agnositc. Today, I'd peg myself as a Deist / Taoist, with growing leanings towards Buddhism. I have read the Bible cover to cover (New Testament a couple dozen times), the Koran, Torah, Tao Te Ching, the Bhagavad Gita, and other holy books. For me, all of them contain aspects of the truth. And often, I've learned that there are huge differences within a faith depending upon who your priest/pastor/guru/guide is. If your church is telling you something that you know, deep down, isn't right, it's time to find another church within your faith. I like dudeism.
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Post by cagedtiger on Feb 19, 2017 21:41:09 GMT -5
...and in today's episode of How My Family Is Helping:
Got a text this afternoon from a friend of mine who's a minister in my hometown (and also was in our wedding), saying that he was pleasantly surprised to see my wife at his church this morning.
Huh. I thought she was in the mountains hiking.
Texted my sister, asking if she was with them.
"Yeah...apparently she's visiting with mom and dad today... I guess she and mom have been talking every day for a while now. "
Nice. Sounds like it's time to have another talk with them about boundaries.
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Post by baza on Feb 19, 2017 21:55:55 GMT -5
Again, your missus is going to keep probing for a weak spot in the defences, and once she has identified one will do her level best to exploit it.
She might perceive that your parents' approval / disapproval is the chink in your armour and so will work relentlessly on that "until you see sense" or until your parents get you to see sense.
By all means have a discussion with your oldies about boundaries, but this is another sidebar to the main game.
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