Hardest Thing I've Had to Say

You're on the right path Tiger. Don't let her ever tell you different. Frankly I'm kind of surprised she didn't try to keep you with sex.

Brother, on today of all days, I can say this sincerely.... I feel your pain.

Having sex with her would have been the biggest mistake of your life. I'm sorry to hear what you had to go through but everything you said is screaming why you need to do this.

I know you are giving only highlights of the "discussion" but I don't see where she even considered the idea that she should change something in order to keep you. No consideration at all for your needs. It was all about her needs. And this might sound strange but I have a strong sense that she is objectifying you. You are an object, a possession, that she is losing. Something she wants, even if only for sentimental value. This wasn't about your needs or her failings as a wife, it was all about her desires. And it seems that she could not even articulate why she wants you, why you should stay. Other than... just because.

She has kept you in a marriage so far by simple force of will. With no regard for your needs, only her needs. The fact that that no longer works is simply devastating for her. Some of her histrionics, perhaps she could not help. But at least some of it is basic emotional blackmail. And she's throwing everything at it. First "you simply cannot leave". That doesn't work, so now let's throw down "the point of no return" card. That threat doesn't work, so let's call your friend and enlist his help to get you back (after you crossed that point of no return). And as backup, let's do the nuclear option and enlist your father in the fight. As an aside I hope your Dad realizes your deal just may be a might bit different than his deals.

You might want to talk to your couples counselor ahead of time about her fears of abandonment because you might not want to be fully open about her issues in front her. And finally, now you know why a lot of people intuitively understand why they want to do this via a written letter. I'm not saying the end result is any better, just that you aren't alone.

Stay strong, my friend. And if you decide that you can't take the pressure and return, understand that it will be twice as difficult to ever do this again. And if you return, remember that she promised you nothing, absolutely nothing. And she will learn that emotional blackmail really works.

A friend of mine recently attempted to leave her husband, and managed to do it for a couple weeks or so. First, he showed up, unannounced, at 4am, pounding on her door. That didn't work so he went home (a 3-4 hour drive). Then he comes back, a few days later, waiting for her, and late at night accosts her on the 20th floor open common walkway to her apartment when she returned from dinner. He's a big guy, and she was physically afraid of him. He could have physically thrown her over the railing. Not saying he would have but to convey it was a scary experience for her. She calls 911, the cops stake out the building for 3 hours, suggesting they took it very seriously. He escaped home.

A few days later he suffers "an emotional breakdown" and apparently has his kid call 911. He is ambulanced to the hospital. Of course she comes flying home. In the hospital she presents him with her list of grievances, the reasons she left. He ignores them. (sound familiar?). She takes him home the next day (miraculous recovery and all). He enlists his mother and their kids to all gang up on her and demand she stay. The whole family is a bunch of narcissists, 3 generations in her house, (emotionally) beating her into submission. In preparation for her separation she had bought a new phone that she controlled, fearing he would have access to her texts and other communications if she used her old phone, part of a joint account that he controlled. It was at that point that the phone went dead, and my texts checking on her safety were never delivered. She'll never get out now. She's a prisoner in her own home, with no private access to the outside world. And this is an upper middle class couple, not what you might think.

This is all just to say that these things can get ugly. That guy has a lot in common with your wife, in terms of the emotional blackmail he used, and his total unwillingness to address or even acknowledge her needs. And his total psycho-ness. Because that was not the point of what he wanted, whatever it is that he wants. Well, I know what he wants. He wants her there, regardless of her feelings about the matter. Her mistake was letting him drag her back home with that very thinly veiled emotional blackmail scheme. She may never get out, but she really needs to.

(I may have told you this story before, but it bears repeating now)

ETA:  I didn't see Baz's comment until I posted.  Yes, I was thinking about the self harm thing too.  Standard emotional blackmail.  Which is why I wrote that little non-fictional novel.

Rushing out to work, but just wanted to put in a word CT -- proud of you, man, and I hope you are proud of your strength in taking action on your own behalf.

The same day she told me she hadn't refilled her birth control prescription that sex was off the table for her anyway, because she "didn't feel sufficiently loved."

True story. When we started dating, she wouldn't have sex with me until I was ready to tell her, "I love you."

Red flags to pay attention to for next time.

Yep.
At some point in the future, when you are ready Brother CT (and that time is not now probably), it would be a good idea to conduct a full autopsy on wtf happened.
Like what baggage you may have had that played a role in you getting hooked up with her in the first place.
Like what additional baggage the exposure to your ILIASM deal added on to your load.

As you say, "next time" is critical, and at your age, a "next time" is just about a lay down certainty.