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Post by tamara68 on Jan 16, 2017 15:06:27 GMT -5
I hope so, tamara! We all deserve a VERY special someone after all this SHITE that's been thrust upon us. We certainly do! I have met him on EP, also from a sexless marriage. Don't know if there is a future for us, too soon to tell but it feels damn good! |
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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 16, 2017 16:25:56 GMT -5
I wonder if it is coincidence that I often read here of a connection being made between refugees from SM's. My only really positive dating experience since separating was with a woman that had also been in a SM. Alas my one really good dating experience didn't work out.
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Post by baza on Jan 16, 2017 17:16:53 GMT -5
Big lesson out of this particular aspect of proceedings is for newbies - and that is - "don't co-sign or act as guarantor for an idiot spouse"
Anyway Sister tamara, things are moving.
Unfortunate that you have to pay this rent, but by doing so as a result of the judges ruling it is all on the record and will form part of the picture for his ultimate judgement and orders.
Reading between the lines the judge seems quite sympathetic to you.
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Post by tamara68 on Jan 19, 2017 9:46:31 GMT -5
As I expected my stbx has his own interpretation of what the judge said last Monday. She said I must pay the due rent. And stbx says now that I have to pay EVERYTHING. Has sent me an envelope with a lot of bills and has sent me an other e-mail with a list of expensen. demanding me to pay for that.
And of course he totally ignores the comment of the judge about him. He needs to look for a job. That's what she said. I don't believe he is doing that seriously. Maybe he will do that a little to keep authoroties happy.
I have replied to him that I will pay the due rent and that he has a lawyer to write his requests for the next court session in February.
If there would be a contest on being stupid and stubborn he would win first prize.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 19, 2017 10:09:55 GMT -5
Sounds like the right way to handle it. Just continue to hold your ground, by telling him, " I will send it to my lawyer, and continue to do what the judge has ordered". Hopefully a judge sees right through his minimal, fake,efforts to find a job.
The positive side ? This re-enforces your decission to get a divorce, and shows who will be the responsible parent.
Ona side note. I am not looking for employment until my divorce is over. I have been advised not to jeopardize my alimony payments. I only get one shot at this amount which may last me until I die. Not to let my 18 yrs of being home with 6 kids, homeschooling, taking on adoptions, caring for an elderly parent, only being able to work part time minimum wage jobs, and having all my training in the work force go down the tubes, and be cast aside. (my situation, and your STBX's are not the same, apples to oranges.)
I struggle with the fairness in all of that. Words like, due process, taking your fair share, what you deserve, your portion, whatever the law allows, etc...
I am an honorable, giving person. I also know that when the time comes, if and when my financial stability, job, career, is stable, and the alimony payments are no longer justified, or needed, that can be worked out. I can always give it back.
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Post by tamara68 on Jan 19, 2017 10:24:43 GMT -5
greatcoastal your wife has a strong financial situation. I don't think you would easily get more than your share. And if you would think you have got to much out of it than you'd better spend it on your kids than on her. I struggle as well with what is fair. I don't want to be unfair but I also don't want to lose everything. My salary is not very high and I have only received a small inheritance that gave me the opportunity to get out. And I am spending it very quickly now with all those costs. On the other hand, there is a big chance that stbx becomes homeless if he doesn't do everything he can to prevent that. And even if he really tries, I am not sure that he is even capable of looking for every chance there is for him. I think it is a disgrace that people are homeless in a civilized country, and I don't want to make my own stbx homeless, but I also don't know how to prevent it.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 19, 2017 10:36:39 GMT -5
Wow! That takes time to digest. Your giving nature just keeps flowing from your words! No YOU don't want to feel, believe, be responsible, for his homelessness.
This is where tough love comes in. YOU are not , I repeat, NOT MAKING HIM DO THIS. He is an adult with problems, (aren't we all) decisions and responsibilities that he has to face on his own.
I have worked with the homeless before (even adopted them) it goes back to the parable about giving a man a fish verses teach a man to fish.
I have similar circumstances coming up with my oldest son, after the divorce. Son, you have choices to make. There will be boundaries, and rules to be followed in my household. Your choice will be to obey them or not, understanding that not obeying them, acting selfish and lazy comes with penalties.
I dread it, I hate it, I don't like it, I want it to go away. But I have to do it. Hoping my correct actions will benefit everyone, some day.
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Post by wewbwb on Jan 19, 2017 10:37:11 GMT -5
You may want to ask your lawyer to handle all correspondence from him as you find it disturbing.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 19, 2017 11:50:21 GMT -5
Giving it some more thought. You are setting boundaries. Boundaries that were easily broken before due to marriage. Just my personal opinion, but marriage forces you to automatically treat the other adult on an equal level playing field. Lets face it, to also put them on a pedestal.
So many things that you would never tolerate from a child, or a stranger, or ever do to someone else, yet they are your husband, your wife, to cherish and obey. As we say, "it really messes with your head". Add onto that a manipulative controller! Like throwing meat to a shark!
Not my problem, no longer my concern, don't know what to tell you, my way only, you can't do anything right, etc... It's coming around full circle. With you gone, the controller, doesn't even have enough control to feed himself!
Set yourself free, stay the course, even a rescuer needs rescuing.
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Post by tamara68 on Jan 19, 2017 15:08:44 GMT -5
Big lesson out of this particular aspect of proceedings is for newbies - and that is - "don't co-sign or act as guarantor for an idiot spouse" Anyway Sister tamara, things are moving. Unfortunate that you have to pay this rent, but by doing so as a result of the judges ruling it is all on the record and will form part of the picture for his ultimate judgement and orders. Reading between the lines the judge seems quite sympathetic to you. I think too the judge is quite sympathetic to me. |
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Post by tamara68 on Jan 19, 2017 15:13:46 GMT -5
You may want to ask your lawyer to handle all correspondence from him as you find it disturbing. I don't reply to all of his mails, I have ignored all the ones that were long lists of insults. I send everything to my lawyer. And several of his e-mails have been sent through to court. Since my stbx is aware of that, he has moderated his e-mails and is sending less now. Basically everything he writes is in my benefit because it shows what kind of person he is. |
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Post by tamara68 on Jan 19, 2017 15:23:14 GMT -5
Giving it some more thought. You are setting boundaries. Boundaries that were easily broken before due to marriage. Just my personal opinion, but marriage forces you to automatically treat the other adult on an equal level playing field. Lets face it, to also put them on a pedestal. So many things that you would never tolerate from a child, or a stranger, or ever do to someone else, yet they are your husband, your wife, to cherish and obey. As we say, "it really messes with your head". Add onto that a manipulative controller! Like throwing meat to a shark! Not my problem, no longer my concern, don't know what to tell you, my way only, you can't do anything right, etc... It's coming around full circle. With you gone, the controller, doesn't even have enough control to feed himself! Set yourself free, stay the course, even a rescuer needs rescuing. I know I have to set boundaries, but where exactly is not easy. So I want to give enough to be fair, and not enough for him to stay passive. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 19, 2017 15:40:19 GMT -5
Giving it some more thought. You are setting boundaries. Boundaries that were easily broken before due to marriage. Just my personal opinion, but marriage forces you to automatically treat the other adult on an equal level playing field. Lets face it, to also put them on a pedestal. So many things that you would never tolerate from a child, or a stranger, or ever do to someone else, yet they are your husband, your wife, to cherish and obey. As we say, "it really messes with your head". Add onto that a manipulative controller! Like throwing meat to a shark! Not my problem, no longer my concern, don't know what to tell you, my way only, you can't do anything right, etc... It's coming around full circle. With you gone, the controller, doesn't even have enough control to feed himself! Set yourself free, stay the course, even a rescuer needs rescuing. I know I have to set boundaries, but where exactly is not easy. So I want to give enough to be fair, and not enough for him to stay passive. This is all new ground for me. Are you really going to get to do that? Will you have much say in the matter? Won't a judge lay out much of that for you? How much of your income goes to him, for how long, and what amount. Things like keeping up his standard of living may get thrown out by a judge due to his behavior. I understand your worries. You have enough to be worried about with your own needs. Make it a concern. Think of how many things we worry about that never happen. I know that sounds like a play on words, but can be very helpful. At the moment the power I have is to keep digging up more evidence, (moving of money, spending, on my wife's part) and deciding what I will settle for, and what I wan't to question, or fight for. Things I expected my attorney to address didn't come up. I brought them up during the mediation. On the other hand my attorney mentioned more examples of missing income that I hadn't even considered. All a learning experience. |
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Post by tamara68 on Jan 19, 2017 15:51:35 GMT -5
a judge will probably say how much I need to pay for his living. But the rent is a different story. We have both signed the contract and even though a judge might think that I don't have to pay it, legally it is half my responsibility. Of course I can stop paying and than it takes several months until stbx gets evicted. But if I am the only one with money, I will probably have to pay for those costs.
Stbx probably thinks that I have to keep paying and next time I will again pay as ordered. But I was thinking I could pay for a few months half of the rent, the debt grows slower so that gives stbx more time to do something. but still the end is inevitable. That is something to look at after the next court session in February. I am not going to decide anything now.
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Post by wewbwb on Jan 19, 2017 16:47:35 GMT -5
a judge will probably say how much I need to pay for his living. But the rent is a different story. We have both signed the contract and even though a judge might think that I don't have to pay it, legally it is half my responsibility. Of course I can stop paying and than it takes several months until stbx gets evicted. But if I am the only one with money, I will probably have to pay for those costs. Stbx probably thinks that I have to keep paying and next time I will again pay as ordered. But I was thinking I could pay for a few months half of the rent, the debt grows slower so that gives stbx more time to do something. but still the end is inevitable. That is something to look at after the next court session in February. I am not going to decide anything now. Do NOT pay anything unless ordered to by the court or at the very least, speaking to (and getting approval from) your lawyer. |
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