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Post by GeekGoddess on Jan 19, 2017 20:13:07 GMT -5
lyn - that is wisdom right there - it IS valuable knowing, for sure, that you don't have to keep trying to salvage a dead duck. You can "call it" and just take care of yourself at that point. Not ruthlessly, I don't mean, but that certainty IS nearly priceless to come by.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 19, 2017 20:14:03 GMT -5
It is bad enough being celibate in the first place. For him to be talking about a fresh start in a new city and promising to tie you to your new bed, and then retreat to the spare room just sucks! I am sure he has his own issues with guilt and inadequacy blah blah blah, but to lead you on like that is totally unacceptable in my book. Thanks unmatched and yes, it's a pretty crappy thing to do. But, if nothing else, these past few months have dashed any hope I had at a miraculous transformation in this thing. That is actually something very worthwhile. Three sayings come to mind: Another nail in the coffin. Another tipping point. An Ahh -hah, moment. |
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Post by lyn on Jan 19, 2017 20:28:20 GMT -5
lyn - that is wisdom right there - it IS valuable knowing, for sure, that you don't have to keep trying to salvage a dead duck. You can "call it" and just take care of yourself at that point. Not ruthlessly, I don't mean, but that certainty IS nearly priceless to come by. @geekgoddess tbh, it's kind of a relief. I'm not even surprised that this move, no "new start", etc., has turned out this way. If that behemoth bed was actually broken in at this point? Then, I WOULD be surprised! AND, I would still be confused. |
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Post by lyn on Jan 19, 2017 20:31:55 GMT -5
Thanks unmatched and yes, it's a pretty crappy thing to do. But, if nothing else, these past few months have dashed any hope I had at a miraculous transformation in this thing. That is actually something very worthwhile. Three sayings come to mind: Another nail in the coffin. Another tipping point. An Ahh -hah, moment. You are SO right greatcoastal! |
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Post by rejected101 on Jan 19, 2017 20:32:48 GMT -5
Same bed. No options for my own space in our house, as it is all about the kids. I really really hate sleeping alone, but I think I would prefer it to not even being able to sleep without clothing in our "marital" room. Also, no more fists, feet in the back, extra pillow shields lest i get the wrong idea, etc. My ex put a pillow between us whenever he came to sleep in the bed. One time he told me to stay on my side of the bed. I said don't worry I will. What the hell was he thinking? Of himself |
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Post by unmatched on Jan 19, 2017 20:34:13 GMT -5
It is bad enough being celibate in the first place. For him to be talking about a fresh start in a new city and promising to tie you to your new bed, and then retreat to the spare room just sucks! I am sure he has his own issues with guilt and inadequacy blah blah blah, but to lead you on like that is totally unacceptable in my book. Thanks unmatched and yes, it's a pretty crappy thing to do. But, if nothing else, these past few months have dashed any hope I had at a miraculous transformation in this thing. That is actually something very worthwhile. That is extremely worthwhile. I am a definite believer in doing SOMETHING - anything really. Work on yourself, talk a lot, try and change things up. Even believe your partner's promises for a while and throw yourself into whatever plan you come up with. It won't necessarily work, but everything you do brings you one step closer to knowing where you stand and what choices you need to make. It is when we stop trying and buy into our partners' lethargy about it all that things just get stuck. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 19, 2017 20:55:46 GMT -5
It is bad enough being celibate in the first place. For him to be talking about a fresh start in a new city and promising to tie you to your new bed, and then retreat to the spare room just sucks! I am sure he has his own issues with guilt and inadequacy blah blah blah, but to lead you on like that is totally unacceptable in my book. Thanks unmatched and yes, it's a pretty crappy thing to do. But, if nothing else, these past few months have dashed any hope I had at a miraculous transformation in this thing. That is actually something very worthwhile. HOPE in a miraculous transformation. Well...about .00001% odds. ACTIONS with faith ,giving you HOPE, a much brighter outlook.! You have taken action. You are no longer being controlled, and you are no longer going to be manipulated. His wall is being taken down brick by brick. Here's an analogy from an article about "double binds". A teacher says this to his students, "if you say this stick is real I will beat you. If you say this stick is not real I will beat you. If you say nothing at all I will beat you. There seems to be no way out. One student however found a solution by changing the level of communication. He walked up to the teacher grabbed the stick and broke it. What kind of support do you get from your two grown children? |
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Post by lyn on Jan 19, 2017 21:34:56 GMT -5
greatcoastal Hope or optimism - however we describe it, I have it! Here's the thing - Before this marriage, I was happy and I had a great life. After this marriage, I will be happy and will have a great life. I know this because I have a strong sense of who I am. I've never been a quitter (hence, the 11 year sexless marriage blip), and, I'm focused and driven. Knowing this about myself gives me strength. It's NOT going to be easy, but, I do think it will be easier than trying to figure out a formula for repairing what could never be repaired, this marriage. I like things to make sense (don't we all?). This for the past nearly 11 years now, hasn't made sense to me. But it kind of does now. Nobody is perfect - I'm certainly not, but I do know that I didn't DESERVE this. The fact that I stuck it out wayyyyy longer than I should've is all on me. I was never chained to the table (or the bed sadly 😞), and could've left at any time but I didn't. Pretty sure the results of the choice to stay are all on me. That being said, why did I choose to stick around? I'm working this bit out now and have a feeling I could try to analyze this situation until I die with never a concrete answer. I really really want to figure this out though so that I can take from it any possible positives that there may be. There have certainly been many life lessons - these I hope to uncover; I hope to one day treasure the lessons because here's hoping I leave this situation a better person than when I began it. There are some early indicators that maybe this has happened - I won't bore you to tears with these details right now but, I truly believe this is true. AND, the icing on the cake is, my very young adult children are both amazing. We have very solid bonds between the three of us that only seem to get stronger as they get older. My son has been visiting while the H has been out of town this week. We have spoken a bit about the fact that things just haven't worked in this marriage - he already knew this because he's had a front row seat more so than anyone else. He literally said to me,"Well, you need to move back to ______ and meet some cool older guy that you have more in common with." To that I said, "Well, maybe someday but I'm not looking for anything like that anytime soon". He then said, verbatim, "Well, you know you'll never be alone because you'll always have me and Sis no matter what". My heart melted. (AND he's their stepdad which makes it easier!) Feeling pretty blessed about now - crappy marriage or not
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Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2017 21:59:44 GMT -5
I have heard this many times - a few years ago my wife suggest we started sleeping in different rooms I said ok moved all her clothes onto the spare bedroom closet and spent the whole weekend redecorating the master, the way I wanted it, the week after pulled up the carpet and put down a nice simple laminate... the week after she's back sleeping in the family bed and loving the new bedroom ... and yes I think I might have been totally played haha
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Post by beachguy on Jan 19, 2017 23:09:58 GMT -5
It is bad enough being celibate in the first place. For him to be talking about a fresh start in a new city and promising to tie you to your new bed, and then retreat to the spare room just sucks! I am sure he has his own issues with guilt and inadequacy blah blah blah, but to lead you on like that is totally unacceptable in my book. In fact it is cruel. If he were a man he would at least keep his mouth shut. |
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Post by beachguy on Jan 19, 2017 23:13:21 GMT -5
lyn - that is wisdom right there - it IS valuable knowing, for sure, that you don't have to keep trying to salvage a dead duck. You can "call it" and just take care of yourself at that point. Not ruthlessly, I don't mean, but that certainty IS nearly priceless to come by. At least lyn can call time of death on the marriage, to the minute. |
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Post by Carol on Jan 20, 2017 18:47:48 GMT -5
We still sleep in the same bed. We bought a new mattress last year and it's so damn comfortable that I just can't give it up! Now I really wish we had gotta a king! There will be times I sleep on the couch to avoid him. The only way he ever touches me in bed is when he rolls over since he is a terrible bed/blanket hog. I agree that now I can no longer stand his smell either. Usually, whe he's not around, I'll throw his pillows on the floor and I very seldom use the sheets/blanket. I use a throw blanket.
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Post by lwoetin on Jan 21, 2017 2:32:26 GMT -5
No, we're in separate rooms for 12yrs now. I can think more clear this way instead of being distracted nightly by the visual. Maybe a reason we're still together, but not sure. She is welcome to hop on my bed any time. Which won't happen. We have fun on hers though, sometimes.
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Post by leifericson on Feb 20, 2017 20:30:17 GMT -5
We haven't slept in the same bed for about 15 years. Pretty embarrassing.
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