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Post by mirrororchid on Jun 15, 2023 6:10:12 GMT -5
Hi everyone. I’m glad to be here since it makes me feel less alone, but of course I also wish I wasn’t. I don’t know how far back to go in sharing my story so I’ll share the main factors that occupy my thoughts. So I met my partner two years ago and we’ve been together ever since with and we’re in a weird place where we’re technically not together but we still live together until we can afford separate living arrangements. There’s a 19yr age gap between myself & him which is what I originally blamed our lack of sex on. I know things change sometimes for men & women in there 50’s so I “let it slide” for quite some time before I finally voiced my concern. I tried the gentle approach because I figured he was going through some depression at the time as well so I suggested he see a counselor & possibly take an antidepressant (I take them myself so I know they can help). He was a widower when I met him and I thought he was dating too soon after his wife’s passing but he thought he was okay and by all accounts he acted like he was when we started dating. It wasn’t until a year into our relationship that he pulled away from me emotionally then physically altogether & things are pretty much the same now. Whenever we have sex it’s because I’ve initiated or complained it seems like he engages just to pacify me. Honestly it’s not like I’m a spring chicken myself (36) so I’m not wanting us to hang from the chandeliers, but I miss the closeness I felt from being intimate with him in all ways. But the kicker, whenever I go out with another guy he gets upset, then love bombs me with attention for a week or so until he eventually becomes his usual unromantic self again. It sucks so much to love someone that doesn’t love you. To be clear, I know he doesn’t love me the way I do him because he was honest enough to admit it when I finally confronted him about it, hence my decision to break up with him. I’m going back to college in the fall to get my license in a field I love which will give me the financial security I need to finally save so I can move out so that’s the good news. It’s just torture for me until that happens which I know won’t be for another 1-2yrs from now. So that’s my story. Thanks for listening. xo, Lonely Girl City 💗 Glad you took me up on my suggestion to post here. So, you broke up, but he gets you to come back to him and abandon your romantic prospects? We call that a "reset" around here. You're seeking financial security to move out. Does he need your help to afford your rent/mortgage? Or is the financial burden mostly yours? The power dynamic would explain why you give in to the love bombing. Confirmation or clarification would help here too. It's often suggested folks start a thread (with the "Create Thread" button, upper right) to flesh out their story and fully discuss options and vent as needed. Perhaps "SM Issues" forum would be suitable, if you'd like. You can also continue the conversation here, but it can get buried. Welcome. Sorry you're here. P.S. Your partner should be seeking out someone closer to his age and, by consequence, his libido. He's a widower, but maybe he was in a sexless marriage when his wife died? Was he so afraid of another he went for a much younger woman? You can't marry him. He needs to date others, just like you do. Having a wingwoman help him would likely be super helpful, after a lot of time getting out of practice in romance.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 19, 2023 8:52:20 GMT -5
Hello, I am 38 and I have been married to my H for almost 13y now and have had problems with intimacy since the beginning of our marriage. I thought I was something with me because I could not understand how a young couple, recently married, did not have sex frequently. He used to say he was tired, and if I asked any questions about it, he would make me feel bad / guilty for asking. The years went by, and, of course, things got worse... I have no idea how long it's been since we've had sex. The thing is, it is not only about lack of intimacy and emotional neglect anymore, it is about the marriage has become. We are way too distant now and, I honestly don't think am will ever get better, but I don't have the courage or the strength to leave. In one of our talks he said he had been in a sexless relationship before, but he only admitted to that 1y ago. It feels like I am never going to happy again. I know it's a stupid thing to say, but that is exactly how I feel. I am sorry for such a long intro... it has been a hard day... Hello Vanessa,...I just found your posts and I took the time to read them and the responses from other members here. I don't have a lot to add to their advice but i do have an observation. If this is his 2nd SM, that speaks volumns about where things are headed. Other posts here where a refuser has admitted to being in another sexless relatonship are inconsistant, sometimes the poster is the refused, other times the poster is now the refuser. But one thing is consistant, the sexless aspect of the relatonship never improves. Reading your post doesn't give me the feeling your situation would likely be the 1st to turn around. You have gotten some good analysis from the other members, and some good advise. If you were a man I would say "gird up your loins" and start preping for things to end in the not too distant future. It reads like a likely sinenerio.
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Post by andrew on Jun 27, 2023 3:47:55 GMT -5
Hi. I am really becoming frustrated and I don't know where to turn. I have been married for 16yrs now I have two kids and a 'wonderful' wife. The only thing our relationship lacks is intimacy / affection and sex. The subject has been raised several times in our marriage and usually ends up in an argument. I have run out of energy and refuse to discuss it anymore and I am looking for some support /suggestions and solutions.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jun 27, 2023 6:23:34 GMT -5
Hi. I am really becoming frustrated and I don't know where to turn. I have been married for 16yrs now I have two kids and a 'wonderful' wife. The only thing our relationship lacks is intimacy / affection and sex. The subject has been raised several times in our marriage and usually ends up in an argument. I have run out of energy and refuse to discuss it anymore and I am looking for some support /suggestions and solutions. Does she know you're done talking? The final talk we refer to as "The Talk", with quotes. It's called "The Talk" not "a talk". It's one talk. The last one. A sample matrix of components can be found here. Having decided to have "The Talk", the results can dictate your course of action. ILIASM members differ as to how many and which options there are, but I'll offer this set: 1) Stay and accumulate coping techniques so the sexlessness doesn't bother you, or at least not intolerably. 2) Stay and outsource. (secret, informed, or consensual non-monogamy) 3) Stay and keep trying. 4) Separate (up to and including divorce) Options 2 and 4 will invoke the Baza. He and other wise ILIASM members will advise you to consult with a lawyer to determine the consequences of divorce should your spouse file papers. Given the sex arguments, it isn't impossible your wife isn't already thinking about it, so a consultation with a lawyer will give you a compass before impact, so even if you choose 1 or 3, it's not entirely unreasonable to know what could lie ahead. Some ILIASM members' stories may resemble yours and we can point you towards their posts and you can see whether their lives give you inspiration. You may wish to start a thread on the "Choosing to Stay" category if you don't even want to discuss divorce (it may still get mentioned, but it isn't pushed), or in the "SM Issues" if you're open to everything. People's religious inclinations or sense of honor to vows can make leaving a last resort in the far off distance you need a telescope for. We get it. You want to try a hundred things first. That's cool. A term you may hear and a reason you're exhausted may be "why chasing". You keep trying to figure out a reason why this happens when "everything is great". Keep looking, if you want, but some philosophers around here point out, it doesn't much change your situation, maybe not even if you found it. The reason may be lost to the sands of time and your spouse cannot muster an answer, in all truth. A common resource ILIASM members call upon is Dr. PyschMom. I found her essay on "Empathy Ruptures" compelling. They may be behind many of these mysterious droughts of intimacy. www.drpsychmom.com/2019/08/04/empathic-ruptures-when-you-cant-forgive-your-partner-for-not-being-there-for-you/#:~:text=Empathic%20ruptures%20happen%20when%20you,in%20your%20life%20or%20relationship. and a second one that I didn't know existed until just now: (enjoy, everyone!) www.drpsychmom.com/2021/03/06/6-key-areas-that-lead-to-empathic-ruptures/Spouses may be uninterested in fixing things even if they do know what the problems are. Most of the time, they don't know or won't admit knowing. If you're hitting a wall and the lack of intimacy is driving you insane and there seems to be little investment on your spouse's part, a big part of preparing for your life to come, regardless of which option you choose, is building a life that does not depend on your spouse. This can include investment in the kids, restoring old friendships, taking up hobbies, meeting new people (such as with Meetups or volunteer groups), getting a poker game together, joining as sports league, etc. This is a life that can fill in for the reduction of time with family if you eventually choose to part ways. It can replace uncomfortable couple time that you have too much of. Here again, de-emphasizing your refusing spouse's role in your life can cause ripple effects which make it wise to obey the Baza. Perhaps some details will guide us to make more targeted suggestions.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 27, 2023 12:01:34 GMT -5
Hi. I am really becoming frustrated and I don't know where to turn. I have been married for 16yrs now I have two kids and a 'wonderful' wife. The only thing our relationship lacks is intimacy / affection and sex. The subject has been raised several times in our marriage and usually ends up in an argument. I have run out of energy and refuse to discuss it anymore and I am looking for some support /suggestions and solutions. welcome to the forum andrew,....Many members (including me) have posted that eveerything is good, except the sex. If only intimacy was happening then the marriage would be perfect. Most who do a real down and dirty analysis of other aspects of the union often conclude things are not as good as they 1st opined. But let me ask. When the discussions about the marriage being sexless occur, does your W offer any explaination? How does she defend her actions or lack thereof? Unfortunately, your current position of refusing to discuss it anymore is exactly the place your W wants you to be. Not being troubled by you about intimacy is exactly what she hopes for going forward. If you are looking for support in staying in the marriage I can't offer much of that. I understand why you are doing it. The kids, finances, you still love her, etc. But if I were you I would not willingly religate myself to remaining sexless until the kids are out of school or longer. Who knows what will happen healthwise to either of you. You could end up as her caregiver for the rest of your life. I would just suggest you consider other options, such as talking to her about opening the marriage or going along with a "don't ask, don't tell" approach to getting your intimacy needs addressed. It's worth a try. What's can she do, threaten to cut off the sex?
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Post by baza on Jun 27, 2023 20:57:57 GMT -5
So far Brother andrew , your post is text book. You arrive, taking a position that "everything is great bar the sex" and looking for the magic bullet to fix the situation. Unfortunately, there is no magic bullet solution. So at this point, I think you'd be well served to go back to the start, and the position that "everything is great bar the sex" and put that belief to a rigorous and searching examination. If you are to sort this situation out, you'e got to be sure that you have identified the true state of your marriage. This inventory of your deal may be a very painful experience and may uncover some very challenging issues about your situation. Anyway, welcome to the group, hope you can derive some value out of it.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jun 28, 2023 11:32:51 GMT -5
Welcome Andrew to this motley crew of just about every flavor of sexless marriages. There is a lot of good reading here if you are into that sort of thing. Check out the different topics available. You may want to start with the "Welcome", "Sexless Marriage Issues" and "Choosing to Stay" sections if you have not already. Whenever you are ready to ask questions, fire away. You'll get an assortment of experienced advice. Think if it as on demand digital group therapy. I hope that you get some answers and maybe a little bit of wind in your sails. Hi. I am really becoming frustrated and I don't know where to turn. I have been married for 16yrs now I have two kids and a 'wonderful' wife. The only thing our relationship lacks is intimacy / affection and sex. The subject has been raised several times in our marriage and usually ends up in an argument. I have run out of energy and refuse to discuss it anymore and I am looking for some support /suggestions and solutions.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jun 28, 2023 19:09:42 GMT -5
...So at this point, I think you'd be well served to go back to the start, and the position that "everything is great bar the sex" and put that belief to a rigorous and searching examination. Imagine if a refused spouse starts a conversation with their refuser: "Everything is great bar the sex". I can imagine a few reactions. Peals of laughter. OR "Yeah. Totally. Why do you keep wanting to fuck it up for me?" (a dutiful nod to Apocrypha who has hypothesized sexlessness can be seen as a big problem for refusers too. They just don't see sex with their spouse as the answer.)
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Post by Same old, same old on Jul 3, 2023 16:03:02 GMT -5
I'm back ... I'm not sure if this is where I need to be but, I want to give it another try. I hope you are all well
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 3, 2023 18:19:57 GMT -5
I'm back ... I'm not sure if this is where I need to be but, I want to give it another try. I hope you are all well I don't recall haveing seen you post before. If you are a member returning under a new name kindly let us know so we can read up on your history.
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Post by Same old, same old on Jul 3, 2023 18:27:47 GMT -5
I'm back ... I'm not sure if this is where I need to be but, I want to give it another try. I hope you are all well I don't recall haveing seen you post before. If you are a member returning under a new name kindly let us know so we can read up on your history. I can't recover any of my old posts because I deleted my old account and it won't let me recover ... but I can see some of my messages in old threads, without my old login name, want-to-be-wanted
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Post by mirrororchid on Jul 4, 2023 11:23:12 GMT -5
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Post by angeleyes65 on Jul 4, 2023 11:55:14 GMT -5
I'm back ... I'm not sure if this is where I need to be but, I want to give it another try. I hope you are all well Welcome back!
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Post by Same old, same old on Jul 4, 2023 12:03:13 GMT -5
I'm back ... I'm not sure if this is where I need to be but, I want to give it another try. I hope you are all well Welcome back! Thanks!
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Post by theoldmoose on Jul 6, 2023 8:23:16 GMT -5
good morning my fellow sexless people, Moose here, 68 M, havent had any sexual contact with my wife for god knows how long, probaly more then 12 years, and its been limited since she went thru the Big M in her early 40s. I'm a bitter lonley sad old man who hung in there hoping for a medical breakthrough like female viagra. That might have helped if my wife had chosen to see an MD in the past 25+ years. I found this site via Dr Psych Mom's facebook post yesterday. Its reasuring to know I'm not alone
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