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Post by angeleyes65 on Jul 6, 2023 8:27:32 GMT -5
theoldmooseWelcome to the club nobody wants to belong to. Yeah I held on way too long more out of fear of actually making the jump. But finally did it and living my best life. Never to late to be happy!
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Post by Same old, same old on Jul 6, 2023 8:43:43 GMT -5
theoldmooseWelcome to the club nobody wants to belong to. Yeah I held on way too long more out of fear of actually making the jump. But finally did it and living my best life. Never to late to be happy! Welcome! It's a good group to get empathy from ... we're all in the same boat.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 6, 2023 10:44:43 GMT -5
good morning my fellow sexless people, Moose here, 68 M, havent had any sexual contact with my wife for god knows how long, probaly more then 12 years, and its been limited since she went thru the Big M in her early 40s. I'm a bitter lonley sad old man who hung in there hoping for a medical breakthrough like female viagra. That might have helped if my wife had chosen to see an MD in the past 25+ years. I found this site via Dr Psych Mom's facebook post yesterday. Its reasuring to know I'm not alone Welcome to the forum theoldmoose....You are obviously in the staying camp so I would recommend reading in that theme 1st. You may find some coping mechanisms or you may have some to offer the rest of the folks there. When and if you feel so inclined you may feel like sharing more of your married history with the members.
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Post by poetanders1n on Jul 9, 2023 23:49:07 GMT -5
Hello unfortunate new member here. Not sure where to start, call me Poet it’s from a book nothing to do with actual poetry if anyone’s curious. From a middle aged couple who enjoyed a pretty active sexlife to literally nothing in less than a year. That’s been years ago and nothing has changed I have a very healthy, imo, drive and she lost hers completely. I always thought it was pretty fulfilling but looking back there are questions I have to ask myself, was I just blind to the signs or am I just trying to rationalize now? Over the years I admired an attractive woman, watched an adult movie occasionally but over the last couple of years temptation has reared its head more than once
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Post by mirrororchid on Jul 10, 2023 5:31:45 GMT -5
So are you at "literally nothing" for years now?
Middle aged, huh? Menopause? A new medication introduced? Possible onset depression? Major life event? Not that any of these explanations helps the situation. It's been called "why chasing" around here.
What holds you back from temptation? Honoring vows? Religious devotion? Financial risk? Was the temptation a flirtatious suggestion/offer? Or garden variety biologically driven lust?
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Post by poetanders1n on Jul 12, 2023 10:18:07 GMT -5
Thought about all of those, she claimed to be getting all of that checked/looked into. But I was always the one to bring it up or ask she never volunteered anything. She was, to all appearances, someone who enjoyed our sexlife, and missed it but when it was over just kind of had an “Eh what can you do?” Feeling about it. I spent the longest time thinking maybe it was me but until the day it stopped I had just as much desire and enthusiasm for her as ever. I know how difficult it is to believe, not that I’m saying that’s what you mean, it’s just the sheer randomness of the way it happened
I’m not sure what holds me back from temptation, there was a wonderful woman I met online. She and I developed a great friendship that changed into more. If she had ever asked to physically meet I’m not sure I could have resisted, I’m not even sure I’d want to. She wsd everything I missed, passion, interaction, and yes a good bit of plain old fashioned lust
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Post by Same old, same old on Jul 16, 2023 13:09:30 GMT -5
Thought about all of those, she claimed to be getting all of that checked/looked into. But I was always the one to bring it up or ask she never volunteered anything. She was, to all appearances, someone who enjoyed our sexlife, and missed it but when it was over just kind of had an “Eh what can you do?” Feeling about it. I spent the longest time thinking maybe it was me but until the day it stopped I had just as much desire and enthusiasm for her as ever. I know how difficult it is to believe, not that I’m saying that’s what you mean, it’s just the sheer randomness of the way it happened I’m not sure what holds me back from temptation, there was a wonderful woman I met online. She and I developed a great friendship that changed into more. If she had ever asked to physically meet I’m not sure I could have resisted, I’m not even sure I’d want to. She wsd everything I missed, passion, interaction, and yes a good bit of plain old fashioned lust So whatever happened to the wonderful woman? Did she want more, or was she in a similar situation and couldn't continue? Just curious 🤔
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Post by poetanders1n on Jul 17, 2023 6:25:21 GMT -5
Some of both actually she wanted more mostly due to the fact her husband didn’t give her any attention in any way. We started out just talking, a friendly ear, urges and affection hit us both quickly. Our cutting it off was a mutual thing but I wonder often if I screwed up. Should I have agreed to meet to see face to face it there was something there? Should I have agreed to meet and let it turn physical so at least those urges were met? I don’t honestly know but I’ll always wonder if I screwed up royally. I’d really like to know how others handle being in a SM because there certainly wouldn’t be any judgement from me, I’m far from an innocent
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Post by Same old, same old on Jul 17, 2023 6:33:05 GMT -5
Some of both actually she wanted more mostly due to the fact her husband didn’t give her any attention in any way. We started out just talking, a friendly ear, urges and affection hit us both quickly. Our cutting it off was a mutual thing but I wonder often if I screwed up. Should I have agreed to meet to see face to face it there was something there? Should I have agreed to meet and let it turn physical so at least those urges were met? I don’t honestly know but I’ll always wonder if I screwed up royally. I’d really like to know how others handle being in a SM because there certainly wouldn’t be any judgement from me, I’m far from an innocent I empathize, totally. Constantly battling with my heart, thoughts, and morals. I hope you find some comfort in this group.
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Post by poetanders1n on Jul 17, 2023 6:45:41 GMT -5
Thank you I hope you find something to help you as well
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Post by mirrororchid on Jul 18, 2023 6:07:31 GMT -5
Some of both actually she wanted more mostly due to the fact her husband didn’t give her any attention in any way. We started out just talking, a friendly ear, urges and affection hit us both quickly. Our cutting it off was a mutual thing but I wonder often if I screwed up. Should I have agreed to meet to see face to face it there was something there? Should I have agreed to meet and let it turn physical so at least those urges were met? I don’t honestly know but I’ll always wonder if I screwed up royally. I’d really like to know how others handle being in a SM because there certainly wouldn’t be any judgement from me, I’m far from an innocent You seem to feel it would have been okay to seek adult companionship in teh absence of said companionship with your spouse. Not an uncommon sentiment. I held it myself. Some of us have followed through, some felt non-married erotic engagement would fall flat, so didn't try. Some indulged and had zero regrets. Some indulged, realized they had to have a spouse who was their lover, and divorced. One that I know of indulged, informed her partner, and stayed married to him. Three unicorns announced intentions to "outsource" their sexual relationship, only to have their spouse re-engage with them sexually. Some go straight to divorce, refusing to have extramarital sex for the sake of their faith, their honor, their morals, or other reasons. Some fear divorce for financial reasons, but do not outsource, due to the risk or resentment that it shouldn't be necessary. Some avoid divorce due to impressions there's no alternative; that no one else would have them. Some stay married, sexless, because they view their outcome as one of the risks you run when you say your vows and there's nothing more to be done. These valiant warriors that give the stiff arm to their natural urges will commonly seek out mechanisms by which to reignite their marriage's sexual aspect, or build lives having nothing to do with their spouse; hobbies, clubs, second jobs, home maintenance, self-improvement, online games, investing in any kids they have. One member, named "Handy", passed away having remained faithful; having entertained the idea of taking a lover, but never having seemed to put much effort in. Stoic, yet good natured. We miss that guy. Anyone else feel free to correct any mischaracterization. You all knew him longer. If you ultimately decide to bring up the topic of divorce or outsourcing, a long time member, Baza, as well as other people here will urge you to protect yourself by seeking legal counsel about what divorce will mean to you and how best to prepare. Even if you don't intend to divorce, being prepared for the worst is a good idea. Knowledge isn't action. It's sometimes pointed out that refusing spouses can always file for divorce before you do. Knowledge of the process can soften the blow if you get blindsided.
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Post by wishfulthinking on Sept 15, 2023 22:49:57 GMT -5
Hi, I am a 50 something male, and I've been married for over 25 years. I never had much luck with dating, as I'm below average looking, and only had a very small number of girlfriends, of which I slept with two, including my wife. Not many is it? We have an adult son, and although I have always got along with my wife, our sex life has been low in quantity and quality. We never had the "can't keep our hands off each other" phase, which should have been a red flag, but being British in the 90s, there were no resources, and we certainly didn't talk to others about our sex lives. I am my wife's only sex partner, and she has a dislike for talking about anything sex related. I think in her mind,our sex life is fine. I have difficulty in having the talk. I've tried a few times, and it didn't go well. These days I put a brave face on it, and just accept my lot. "Thanks" to negative comments I received over my life, I have a low opinion of my self worth, and how I look. I have suffered with depression, and see a therapist, where I was diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic Disorder. My wife knows nothing of this, as she doesn't have a good opinion of mental health issues. In my 40s, I attempted self improvement, to try to spark some interest and desire from my wife. I got advice from the internet and the book Married Man Sex Life Primer. Unfortunately this made little difference in my sex life, and despite assurances from the information, I wasn't noticed by other women either.
Hope this isn't too long. Thanks
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 16, 2023 2:14:50 GMT -5
wishfulthinking, welcome!
Sorry you qualify for being here, but I'm glad you found this as there's lots of useful info and support here.
Keep in mind that the world of romantic possibilities for you at age 50 is much wider than it was when you were in your twenties and teens. For one thing, the ratio of males to females is more in your favor. Another thing is that as people get older, personality, values, finances, become increasingly important when people look for romantic partners. Younger people put much more emphasis on looks.
Should you set yourself free by divorce, you probably would get more attention from women than when yu were younger. You can't judge what would happen by what happened in your 40s. You were married. That does make a difference.
Do self-improvement for yourself, not to attract your wife. Originally, I did mine for my husband. I rigorously dieted, exercised 2 hours a day, looked fabulous for a 50-year-old woman. That made not one bit of difference in our sex life, which remained basically nonexistent.
When, however, with the help of therapy, I started doing things just for me -- doing things that people I admired did -- I grew into the type of woman I'd always admired but never thought I was. My husband's interest remained the same -- nil -- but I'd attracted a wide circle of friends as I did my own thing. I ended up divorcing him with no angst. I've now been for 10 years with a man who loves me in exactly the way I feel loved. I met him through one of the activities I'd taken up for fun -- not to meet a man.
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Post by baza on Sept 16, 2023 22:41:04 GMT -5
It is uncanny that your story Brother wishfulthinking , so closely resembles our Brother lessingham 's posts in here. Hopefully he might weigh in on your post.
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Post by wishfulthinking on Sept 17, 2023 17:01:49 GMT -5
Thanks. I'll check his posts out.
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