|
Post by angeleyes65 on Jan 27, 2024 18:31:42 GMT -5
He is not interested in sex. And you will never have pleasurable sex with him. Leave now while you are young and have lots of life left to live. My biggest regret was waiting so long to leave. I spent some of my best years being sexless and miserable. And so did my boyfriend. We got out and things are wonderful but age has changed things. I have hot flashes so snuggling doesn't last long and that was one of the things I missed.. He now requires viagra so sex is less spontaneous. I'm not complaining we are so happy together. Just resent the time in spent in a bad marriage when I could have had more years of the spontaneous sex and all night snuggling.
|
|
kj252
New Member
Posts: 3
|
Post by kj252 on Apr 14, 2024 11:46:23 GMT -5
Hello! I’ve been married 20 years to a woman who never thinks about sex. We have gone many months between sharing sex which suites her fancy. She hates being touched-no hugs, cuddles, or massage. As a result, she refuses to do any of these things to me as well. This has been the case for the duration of our 20 years together.
When I attempt to touch her, she pulls away and complains that I’m disrespecting her. The sex we have is mechanical, passionless, routine and a race to orgasm so she can move on with her day.
Through my research, our relationship does not meet the clinical definition of a sexless marriage. Nevertheless, our mismatched desires and her aversion to any kind of physical touch has made me consider what to do with our relationship.
She offers sex once a week which is usually initiated by “are you busy?” We then proceed with the routine mechanics of PIV sex. She won’t touch “me” and hurrys to get to orgasm.
I want so much more and she is just incapable of giving it. I suggested we try a 7-day sex challenge and she was aghast at the idea and said she could never do that. Any time I bring up my frustrations or attempt to talk about sex, she accuses me of “that’s all you think and talk about” and pleads with me to stop.
She wants to go on a vacation to “celebrate” our 20 years. And I’m thinking, “what’s there to celebrate?” We’ve more or less tolerated one another for 20 years.
Anyways, this is my story and my life. And I hate it.
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Apr 14, 2024 16:23:36 GMT -5
kj252,....welcome to the forum. Your's is not a unique story. Many members have spoken of spouses who avoid touch like some sort of communicable disease. What is unusual is that she initiates sex on a weekly basis. Althought on the surface, it looks like she is selfish in that she rushes to her own orgasm. You don't say if she stays engeged until you finish. I hope so. Again other members have reported the same thing with their spouses. But often following their own orgasm they could care less about satisfying their spouse. The last yr. of my marriage my then W would initiate more or less quarterly by announcing she was " in the mood". Not very romantic . She also wanted an orgasm and then she would ask me if I was about done. I have always been a slow finisher, so she would encourage me to "hurry up and finish". So I get where you are coming from.
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Apr 15, 2024 5:55:45 GMT -5
kj252, As worksforme2 alludes to, weekly rushed sex is not at all "sexless", but it is devoid of passion and, by the sounds of things, affection. This would be a natural time to stroll down memory lane and see if one can pinpoint wjat went wrong, but that is an exercise in what's called "why chasing" around here. If you say it's been like this 20 years, a critical point is that moving your marriage out of its inertia is going to be a Herculean endeavor. I will ask for limited background: Was she ever responsive in bed? If so, when did she stop? Does she orgasm? f so, did she want to previously (ever)? Have you ever turned down her weekly offer, and not because you were fighting/arguing/noticeably irritated. Does she have religious devotional history? Do you? Is divorce on the table, or no? Is outsourcing (taking an extramarital lover, with or without your wife's knowledge) on the table, or no? Is there any known sexual trauma in her past? Was there a point at which things weren't weekly and this may be her "compromise"; her minimum effort. You may wish to answer these questions in a separate post in the category "SM Issues" or, if you do not want divorce suggested at any point, ever, post in "Choosing to Stay" You can post here, but it tends to get more thorough attention and the discussion doesn't get interrupted by other posts. It flows better.
|
|
|
Post by littlesunshine666 on Apr 23, 2024 18:46:39 GMT -5
Hey everyone. I'm Val (29F).
Been together for 4 years, married for 3 years now. Sex life was great during long distance dating and the first bit of cohabitation. But it was at that point that I noticed him seemingly pulling away, masturbating to porn more, and turning down sex in favor of masturbating to porn. So I have been battling sex-related issues basically from the get go. Wasn't until about a year and a half ago that I stopped trying to fix it alone, we communicated deeply about it, and started couple's therapy (to no avail). The root issues seem to be his mild touch aversion, his lower libido vs my higher one, and his feederism/belly fetish.
At first it was a need he met with porn. Then the need grew (and our sex life plummeted accordingly) and he asked if I would try it out for him. I had been 160 lbs throughout the whole of our relationship to that point, with a thin and athletic build. But that was all it took to activate my inner people pleaser. The way I saw it, if porn wasn't enough anymore and he didn't get his fetish fulfilled with me, what was he supposed to do? I saw it as my duty to meet his need, even if I hated the idea of intentionally making myself fat.
Gained for him on and off for the next year, reaching 230 lb. But I finally reached a point where I couldn't do it anymore. The toll on my mental and physical health was just too great. So I finally quit for good. Sex completely stopped again. We tried one more time since then. But having lost some weight already, I had grown so insecure about my body and knew I was the opposite of sexually desirable to him the healthier I got.
I'm down to 177 lb and am in individual therapy now to work through my body image issues and it's been helpful so far. There have been good days. But there have been many dark days too.
We're still working together to try to solve this. Because, other than our sex life, our relationship is so solid. We're best friends, despite this struggle. But as the one with the higher sex drive, I often feel like I'm losing it and am slowly wasting away.
|
|
m76
Full Member
![*](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/stars/star.png) ![*](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/stars/star.png)
Posts: 367
|
Post by m76 on Apr 23, 2024 18:59:18 GMT -5
Hey everyone. I'm Val (29F). Been together for 4 years, married for 3 years now. Sex life was great during long distance dating and the first bit of cohabitation. But it was at that point that I noticed him seemingly pulling away, masturbating to porn more, and turning down sex in favor of masturbating to porn. So I have been battling sex-related issues basically from the get go. Wasn't until about a year and a half ago that I stopped trying to fix it alone, we communicated deeply about it, and started couple's therapy (to no avail). The root issues seem to be his mild touch aversion, his lower libido vs my higher one, and his feederism/belly fetish. At first it was a need he met with porn. Then the need grew (and our sex life plummeted accordingly) and he asked if I would try it out for him. I had been 160 lbs throughout the whole of our relationship to that point, with a thin and athletic build. But that was all it took to activate my inner people pleaser. The way I saw it, if porn wasn't enough anymore and he didn't get his fetish fulfilled with me, what was he supposed to do? I saw it as my duty to meet his need, even if I hated the idea of intentionally making myself fat. Gained for him on and off for the next year, reaching 230 lb. But I finally reached a point where I couldn't do it anymore. The toll on my mental and physical health was just too great. So I finally quit for good. Sex completely stopped again. We tried one more time since then. But having lost some weight already, I had grown so insecure about my body and knew I was the opposite of sexually desirable to him the healthier I got. I'm down to 177 lb and am in individual therapy now to work through my body image issues and it's been helpful so far. There have been good days. But there have been many dark days too. We're still working together to try to solve this. Because, other than our sex life, our relationship is so solid. We're best friends, despite this struggle. But as the one with the higher sex drive, I often feel like I'm losing it and am slowly wasting away. Welcome Val. Welcome to the group. Your husband married you one way and then expected you to change to something you don't want to be to please him. This doesn't sound like the actions of a friend. I wish you good luck on your health journey. And please, be what you want to be.
|
|
|
Post by littlesunshine666 on Apr 24, 2024 7:00:45 GMT -5
Hey everyone. I'm Val (29F). Been together for 4 years, married for 3 years now. Sex life was great during long distance dating and the first bit of cohabitation. But it was at that point that I noticed him seemingly pulling away, masturbating to porn more, and turning down sex in favor of masturbating to porn. So I have been battling sex-related issues basically from the get go. Wasn't until about a year and a half ago that I stopped trying to fix it alone, we communicated deeply about it, and started couple's therapy (to no avail). The root issues seem to be his mild touch aversion, his lower libido vs my higher one, and his feederism/belly fetish. At first it was a need he met with porn. Then the need grew (and our sex life plummeted accordingly) and he asked if I would try it out for him. I had been 160 lbs throughout the whole of our relationship to that point, with a thin and athletic build. But that was all it took to activate my inner people pleaser. The way I saw it, if porn wasn't enough anymore and he didn't get his fetish fulfilled with me, what was he supposed to do? I saw it as my duty to meet his need, even if I hated the idea of intentionally making myself fat. Gained for him on and off for the next year, reaching 230 lb. But I finally reached a point where I couldn't do it anymore. The toll on my mental and physical health was just too great. So I finally quit for good. Sex completely stopped again. We tried one more time since then. But having lost some weight already, I had grown so insecure about my body and knew I was the opposite of sexually desirable to him the healthier I got. I'm down to 177 lb and am in individual therapy now to work through my body image issues and it's been helpful so far. There have been good days. But there have been many dark days too. We're still working together to try to solve this. Because, other than our sex life, our relationship is so solid. We're best friends, despite this struggle. But as the one with the higher sex drive, I often feel like I'm losing it and am slowly wasting away. Welcome Val. Welcome to the group. Your husband married you one way and then expected you to change to something you don't want to be to please him. This doesn't sound like the actions of a friend. I wish you good luck on your health journey. And please, be what you want to be. I'm glad I snapped out of it when I did, so thank you. My new year's resolution this year took the form of a general theme of "The Rebirth of Val". Reclaiming my body (getting back into fitness and yoga, shedding every extra pound I gained for him), reviving my hobbies, standing up for myself again, etc. And so far, for me personally, it's been pretty successful. Had a period of time where I fully reclaimed my body and wouldn't be naked around him anymore because I just didn't see the point. That and, with sex or indication of interest in my body never happening, it kinda made me feel like just another female-shaped body for him to passively look at but never interact with. I felt like the porn on his phone. Taking a bath? Shower curtain stays closed. Changing? I'd step into another room. I started dressing very modestly (kaftan dresses, abayas, etc.) so that my body was never on display for anyone. The pleasure my body held visually or sexually was for me alone. I stopped that approach when it started to feel like internalized body shame. But he really didn't like that idea. He said he felt like he was being denied something or wasn't trusted. He said we have to start just having regular sex again in order to fix things and we can't do that if I can't even be naked around him. Gradually worked myself back to being naked around him again and told him I was finally open to having sex with him again that weekend. Surprisingly, he said he was too. Unsurprisingly, nothing occurred. (Which was later trumped up to me not initiating or bringing it up again for the rest of the weekend... Because, considering I had proposed the idea and he verbally agreed, I made the stupid decision to wait for him to meet me halfway...). Two whole weeks passed and I didn't bring it up again, waiting for him to bring it up and/or meet me halfway. Which culminated in him asking for privacy to masturbate and me finally broaching the topic. That was when his explanation about initiating came out. But in that moment, though I proposed sex again, he then claimed he still had anxiety around sex that he needed to work on before he'd feel totally comfortable having sex again. The goalposts had moved yet again, triggering some rad depression for me. A depression that has lasted from that moment to this very day. Wedded bliss, I tell ya lol. (P.S. Living without sex is bearable for him because all he seems to need is his fetish porn. And part of me suspects that if the tables wete turned and our present issue blocked his access to both porn and masturbation, THEN he'd feel the sense of loss, grief, and desperation I feel and finally match my motivations to remedy it 🤣🤣🤣)
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Apr 24, 2024 7:08:07 GMT -5
Welcome to the forum Val.....Yours is an interesting turn on the usual story. More often than not sex disappears when one or both partners gain a lot of weight. You are in counselling and it seems to be helping you. I expect your lack of success in couples conselling has been costly for the relationship. Right now you are in the staying camp. I suggest you read in the topic specific to that decision. Hopefully you will find some information and coping mechanisms that make staying easier. Or if after a while you decide staying is not doable for you you will find the other categories usefull in planning and managing your exit. Keep us informed as all stories have something to add to the forum. good luck...
|
|
|
Post by littlesunshine666 on Apr 24, 2024 7:12:42 GMT -5
Welcome to the forum Val.....Yours is an interesting turn on the usual story. More often than not sex disappears when one or both partners gain a lot of weight. You are in counselling and it seems to be helping you. I expect your lack of success in couples conselling has been costly for the relationship. Right now you are in the staying camp. I suggest you read in the topic specific to that decision. Hopefully you will find some information and coping mechanisms that make staying easier. Or if after a while you decide staying is not doable for you you will find the other categories usefull in planning and managing your exit. Keep us informed as all stories have something to add to the forum. good luck... Will do. And yeah, definitely in the staying camp because I truly love him so much. And he says he loves me too. This is just a bear of an incompatibility to face. And the particular fetish it centers on makes it that much harder to talk about with folks in my life. Hence forums lol. But the longer this goes on, the more my commitment to staying gradually wears thin. I'm down to stay if we actually work on the problem and something is done about the fetish. But if that doesn't happen, I'm most likely out of here. The only reason I'm still here at the moment is his expressed desire to fix things. Time will tell.
|
|
kevinp
Junior Member
![*](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/stars/star.png)
sex where R U
Posts: 25
Age Range: 66-70
|
Post by kevinp on Apr 26, 2024 3:24:35 GMT -5
Hello. KevinP here Long term sexless marriage. Just dealing with the depression and anxiety by talking with others. Hi KevinP, We are here in a safe space for talking about the depression and anxiety. Whatever you want to share or just listen to is okay in this judgement free environment. We are all in a club we don't want to be in. You'll find this group to be very helpful, empathetic, and accepting of your highs and lows. That's what I'm hoping; to talk about this mess in my mind and marriage. I have done some things which may atract criticism but it is what it is, when the frustration is tough to handle. Thank you. I shal lenjoy this forum, I'm sure
|
|
|
Post by beardedhusband on Jun 10, 2024 17:54:11 GMT -5
Hey Everyone
After some searching, I came across this forum and felt a little happy i am not alone!
I am 33, Male and married for 10 years.
I have always had a high sex drive and over the past few years my wife has been less and less interested, i always initiated and the past 3 years has been non-existent, it’s annoying as everything else in the marriage is great, she just has zero desire to have sex and if she does force herself through the motions i feel guilty and like i am forcing it, hence why it’s been 3 years with nothing now.
I tried to carry on as normal by taking care of my needs alone until one night we had a talk as I clearly did not look ok, she feels she may never want it again and she is ok with that decision, she did mention opening the marriage up on my part however i am not sure how I feel about that, sorry if this post all over the place however i have been keeping this in for so long it’s hard to get out.
I don’t feel like divorce is an option, I truly love her and cannot imagine my life without her, i just also cannot imagine never having sex again and going on like this.
I will keep looking through posts but and suggestions are welcome
Thanks!
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Jun 10, 2024 18:12:18 GMT -5
Hey Everyone After some searching, I came across this forum and felt a little happy i am not alone! I am 33, Male and married for 10 years. I have always had a high sex drive and over the past few years my wife has been less and less interested, i always initiated and the past 3 years has been non-existent, it’s annoying as everything else in the marriage is great, she just has zero desire to have sex and if she does force herself through the motions i feel guilty and like i am forcing it, hence why it’s been 3 years with nothing now. I tried to carry on as normal by taking care of my needs alone until one night we had a talk as I clearly did not look ok, she feels she may never want it again and she is ok with that decision, she did mention opening the marriage up on my part however i am not sure how I feel about that, sorry if this post all over the place however i have been keeping this in for so long it’s hard to get out. I don’t feel like divorce is an option, I truly love her and cannot imagine my life without her, i just also cannot imagine never having sex again and going on like this. I will keep looking through posts but and suggestions are welcome Thanks! Welcome. Good on her for offering you an open marriage. She's in rare company. The question is whether she means it. Some ladies chicken out when their husbands succeed. Others are flummoxed by their husbands success. They secretly felt no woman would be attracted to their man. If you take her up on it, be prepared to have her pull the rug out and ask yourself if you're willing to disappoint any ladies that will be left high and dry. It's a dirty trick to play. I say this from experience.
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Jun 11, 2024 5:44:25 GMT -5
Welcome to the forum beardedhusband,... Mirrororchid is correct when stating that your W is really the exception in seeming to allow you a hall pass to take care of your sexual needs. Most spouses insist on the marriage being celibate for both parties. Like mirrororchid I am initially skeptical of such an open minded response from her. My concern is that even if she is willing to look the other way now what might be her reaction after some time has gone by and she sees you spending time and resources on another woman? And will she hold it against you if once you find another sexual partner you are reluctant to give it up should your W change her mind. And in the event of a divorce will she try to use it against you. It seems to me that if you do go the open marriage route you might need to protect yourself with some sort of written agreement. It sounds crass I know but better safe than sorry should she have a change of heart. Another question also comes to mind. Early 30's is awfully young for such a dramatic loss of libido. Have you talked to her about possible medical conditions that cause such a change from normal suxual activity for your ages? Her loss of libido may be a precursor of serious medical conditions.
|
|
|
Post by sundayblue0071 on Jun 19, 2024 14:51:25 GMT -5
Hello. New to this forum and feeling terrible that I've needed to search out for just such a forum given the nature of my circumstances. Been together with the same woman since 2005. Married since 2011. Had a kid in 2017. Things started off OK but I knew things were not looking good when the quantity and quality of sexual interaction between us was on the decline, even before we had our daughter. I wasn't happy then and I'm miserable now. I love my daughter. She's going to be 7. But she and mom and have a very strong relationship that sometimes makes me feel estranged from my daughter. Not because my daughter doesn't know I don't love her but because my wife is so much more deeply involved in her development and deliberately so. But I'm not here to vent about any problems with my daughter.
I'm here to simply vent about the terrible pain I suffer inside being stuck in a marriage where I'm no longer happy, or at least, a lot less happier than I was when we first met. Thing is, I know we should divorce, separate, call it what you want. I know I would be happier not being married to her any longer. But I also have no where to go. We share a duplex and both of us have to work in order to raise our daughter and put food on the plate, etc...But the sex is just gone, gone, gone. Since my daughter was born, we've been intimate, maybe twice? Three times, maybe? And I've been so frustrated, so, so, so, frustrated. I've visited massage parlors; I've been with an escort. But I'm still miserable inside. I'm empty. I get no satisfaction from my lust being quenched. I just feel like the woman I'm with no longer meets what I want in a partner. And not just the absence of sex, mind you. It's that I feel we have grown apart. I don't feel emotionally close or even physically close to her. Of course, it's also problematic that my wife is technically, obese. She weighs 250+ pounds on a 5'7 frame and she's got plenty of fat. And my biology is the opposite. I'm thin. Because of my depression, I've actually lost weight, fighting off my appetite because I just don't feel like eating.
I knew going in that she would always be a "plus sized" woman. And that really didn't bother me that much because I always felt that if we had enough sex in our lives, at least enough sex where I was happy because I felt "satiated" in my need for physical intimacy that I could oversee her weight issues. And frankly, that was happening, at least in the early years. But then her sex drive declined and mine just would never quit. First it was weeks then months, then years. And oh, how I complained about it. But she would complain right back. We've gone through our share of marriage counseling and she wants us to do more. But inside, I feel so empty. Like now, we're just beating a dead horse. I'm no longer physically attracted to her. But like I said, neither she nor I have anywhere to go. She's told me in no uncertain terms that if we divorced she would take our daughter and just leave. And it breaks my heart to see my daughter continue her upbringing from divorced parents.
Anyway, I'm blabbing because I just need some compassionate ears. I don't know how long this will last. I might frankly lose it and it will end in divorce anyway. But I'm also on my wife's health insurance plan. And I need her health insurance. Divorce can be such a complicated mess. I always thought of myself as "one of the good ones.' A good person, raised by loving parents who only wanted to see me to thrive, both professionally and socially. Instead, I have few friends, am miserable being married, and haven't been able to rise professionally to a level that I wish I could. I see myself as one giant disappointment and who frankly, can't figure out what my ultimate purpose is in life, other than the fact that my parents created me and I had no say in that whatsoever.
I know the grass is greener on the other side. I know there are countless other stories of domestic and personal misery. Just chalk me up as one of them. Do you recall the movie, "American Beauty?" With Kevin Spacey? That movie came out in the late 1990s and when I saw it, I was still a bachelor. I loved the picture and I said to myself, I will never, ever let this happen to me. I will never be stuck in a miserable marriage. Nope, not going to happen. And guess what happened??? Life can be so cruelly ironic.
|
|
Missingout
Full Member
![*](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/stars/star.png) ![*](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/stars/star.png)
Posts: 242
Age Range: 46-50
|
Post by Missingout on Jun 19, 2024 15:49:56 GMT -5
Welcome brother!!! Sorry your hurting so much. This is a great place to be wether your staying or leaving. Read through all the threads here. It will take some time. But sounds like that's what ya got is time on your hands. Good luck
|
|