|
Post by angeleyes65 on Jan 27, 2024 18:31:42 GMT -5
He is not interested in sex. And you will never have pleasurable sex with him. Leave now while you are young and have lots of life left to live. My biggest regret was waiting so long to leave. I spent some of my best years being sexless and miserable. And so did my boyfriend. We got out and things are wonderful but age has changed things. I have hot flashes so snuggling doesn't last long and that was one of the things I missed.. He now requires viagra so sex is less spontaneous. I'm not complaining we are so happy together. Just resent the time in spent in a bad marriage when I could have had more years of the spontaneous sex and all night snuggling.
|
|
kj252
New Member
Posts: 3
|
Post by kj252 on Apr 14, 2024 11:46:23 GMT -5
Hello! I’ve been married 20 years to a woman who never thinks about sex. We have gone many months between sharing sex which suites her fancy. She hates being touched-no hugs, cuddles, or massage. As a result, she refuses to do any of these things to me as well. This has been the case for the duration of our 20 years together.
When I attempt to touch her, she pulls away and complains that I’m disrespecting her. The sex we have is mechanical, passionless, routine and a race to orgasm so she can move on with her day.
Through my research, our relationship does not meet the clinical definition of a sexless marriage. Nevertheless, our mismatched desires and her aversion to any kind of physical touch has made me consider what to do with our relationship.
She offers sex once a week which is usually initiated by “are you busy?” We then proceed with the routine mechanics of PIV sex. She won’t touch “me” and hurrys to get to orgasm.
I want so much more and she is just incapable of giving it. I suggested we try a 7-day sex challenge and she was aghast at the idea and said she could never do that. Any time I bring up my frustrations or attempt to talk about sex, she accuses me of “that’s all you think and talk about” and pleads with me to stop.
She wants to go on a vacation to “celebrate” our 20 years. And I’m thinking, “what’s there to celebrate?” We’ve more or less tolerated one another for 20 years.
Anyways, this is my story and my life. And I hate it.
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Apr 14, 2024 16:23:36 GMT -5
kj252,....welcome to the forum. Your's is not a unique story. Many members have spoken of spouses who avoid touch like some sort of communicable disease. What is unusual is that she initiates sex on a weekly basis. Althought on the surface, it looks like she is selfish in that she rushes to her own orgasm. You don't say if she stays engeged until you finish. I hope so. Again other members have reported the same thing with their spouses. But often following their own orgasm they could care less about satisfying their spouse. The last yr. of my marriage my then W would initiate more or less quarterly by announcing she was " in the mood". Not very romantic . She also wanted an orgasm and then she would ask me if I was about done. I have always been a slow finisher, so she would encourage me to "hurry up and finish". So I get where you are coming from.
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Apr 15, 2024 5:55:45 GMT -5
kj252, As worksforme2 alludes to, weekly rushed sex is not at all "sexless", but it is devoid of passion and, by the sounds of things, affection. This would be a natural time to stroll down memory lane and see if one can pinpoint wjat went wrong, but that is an exercise in what's called "why chasing" around here. If you say it's been like this 20 years, a critical point is that moving your marriage out of its inertia is going to be a Herculean endeavor. I will ask for limited background: Was she ever responsive in bed? If so, when did she stop? Does she orgasm? f so, did she want to previously (ever)? Have you ever turned down her weekly offer, and not because you were fighting/arguing/noticeably irritated. Does she have religious devotional history? Do you? Is divorce on the table, or no? Is outsourcing (taking an extramarital lover, with or without your wife's knowledge) on the table, or no? Is there any known sexual trauma in her past? Was there a point at which things weren't weekly and this may be her "compromise"; her minimum effort. You may wish to answer these questions in a separate post in the category "SM Issues" or, if you do not want divorce suggested at any point, ever, post in "Choosing to Stay" You can post here, but it tends to get more thorough attention and the discussion doesn't get interrupted by other posts. It flows better.
|
|
|
Post by littlesunshine666 on Apr 23, 2024 18:46:39 GMT -5
Hey everyone. I'm Val (29F).
Been together for 4 years, married for 3 years now. Sex life was great during long distance dating and the first bit of cohabitation. But it was at that point that I noticed him seemingly pulling away, masturbating to porn more, and turning down sex in favor of masturbating to porn. So I have been battling sex-related issues basically from the get go. Wasn't until about a year and a half ago that I stopped trying to fix it alone, we communicated deeply about it, and started couple's therapy (to no avail). The root issues seem to be his mild touch aversion, his lower libido vs my higher one, and his feederism/belly fetish.
At first it was a need he met with porn. Then the need grew (and our sex life plummeted accordingly) and he asked if I would try it out for him. I had been 160 lbs throughout the whole of our relationship to that point, with a thin and athletic build. But that was all it took to activate my inner people pleaser. The way I saw it, if porn wasn't enough anymore and he didn't get his fetish fulfilled with me, what was he supposed to do? I saw it as my duty to meet his need, even if I hated the idea of intentionally making myself fat.
Gained for him on and off for the next year, reaching 230 lb. But I finally reached a point where I couldn't do it anymore. The toll on my mental and physical health was just too great. So I finally quit for good. Sex completely stopped again. We tried one more time since then. But having lost some weight already, I had grown so insecure about my body and knew I was the opposite of sexually desirable to him the healthier I got.
I'm down to 177 lb and am in individual therapy now to work through my body image issues and it's been helpful so far. There have been good days. But there have been many dark days too.
We're still working together to try to solve this. Because, other than our sex life, our relationship is so solid. We're best friends, despite this struggle. But as the one with the higher sex drive, I often feel like I'm losing it and am slowly wasting away.
|
|
m76
Full Member
Posts: 325
|
Post by m76 on Apr 23, 2024 18:59:18 GMT -5
Hey everyone. I'm Val (29F). Been together for 4 years, married for 3 years now. Sex life was great during long distance dating and the first bit of cohabitation. But it was at that point that I noticed him seemingly pulling away, masturbating to porn more, and turning down sex in favor of masturbating to porn. So I have been battling sex-related issues basically from the get go. Wasn't until about a year and a half ago that I stopped trying to fix it alone, we communicated deeply about it, and started couple's therapy (to no avail). The root issues seem to be his mild touch aversion, his lower libido vs my higher one, and his feederism/belly fetish. At first it was a need he met with porn. Then the need grew (and our sex life plummeted accordingly) and he asked if I would try it out for him. I had been 160 lbs throughout the whole of our relationship to that point, with a thin and athletic build. But that was all it took to activate my inner people pleaser. The way I saw it, if porn wasn't enough anymore and he didn't get his fetish fulfilled with me, what was he supposed to do? I saw it as my duty to meet his need, even if I hated the idea of intentionally making myself fat. Gained for him on and off for the next year, reaching 230 lb. But I finally reached a point where I couldn't do it anymore. The toll on my mental and physical health was just too great. So I finally quit for good. Sex completely stopped again. We tried one more time since then. But having lost some weight already, I had grown so insecure about my body and knew I was the opposite of sexually desirable to him the healthier I got. I'm down to 177 lb and am in individual therapy now to work through my body image issues and it's been helpful so far. There have been good days. But there have been many dark days too. We're still working together to try to solve this. Because, other than our sex life, our relationship is so solid. We're best friends, despite this struggle. But as the one with the higher sex drive, I often feel like I'm losing it and am slowly wasting away. Welcome Val. Welcome to the group. Your husband married you one way and then expected you to change to something you don't want to be to please him. This doesn't sound like the actions of a friend. I wish you good luck on your health journey. And please, be what you want to be.
|
|
|
Post by littlesunshine666 on Apr 24, 2024 7:00:45 GMT -5
Hey everyone. I'm Val (29F). Been together for 4 years, married for 3 years now. Sex life was great during long distance dating and the first bit of cohabitation. But it was at that point that I noticed him seemingly pulling away, masturbating to porn more, and turning down sex in favor of masturbating to porn. So I have been battling sex-related issues basically from the get go. Wasn't until about a year and a half ago that I stopped trying to fix it alone, we communicated deeply about it, and started couple's therapy (to no avail). The root issues seem to be his mild touch aversion, his lower libido vs my higher one, and his feederism/belly fetish. At first it was a need he met with porn. Then the need grew (and our sex life plummeted accordingly) and he asked if I would try it out for him. I had been 160 lbs throughout the whole of our relationship to that point, with a thin and athletic build. But that was all it took to activate my inner people pleaser. The way I saw it, if porn wasn't enough anymore and he didn't get his fetish fulfilled with me, what was he supposed to do? I saw it as my duty to meet his need, even if I hated the idea of intentionally making myself fat. Gained for him on and off for the next year, reaching 230 lb. But I finally reached a point where I couldn't do it anymore. The toll on my mental and physical health was just too great. So I finally quit for good. Sex completely stopped again. We tried one more time since then. But having lost some weight already, I had grown so insecure about my body and knew I was the opposite of sexually desirable to him the healthier I got. I'm down to 177 lb and am in individual therapy now to work through my body image issues and it's been helpful so far. There have been good days. But there have been many dark days too. We're still working together to try to solve this. Because, other than our sex life, our relationship is so solid. We're best friends, despite this struggle. But as the one with the higher sex drive, I often feel like I'm losing it and am slowly wasting away. Welcome Val. Welcome to the group. Your husband married you one way and then expected you to change to something you don't want to be to please him. This doesn't sound like the actions of a friend. I wish you good luck on your health journey. And please, be what you want to be. I'm glad I snapped out of it when I did, so thank you. My new year's resolution this year took the form of a general theme of "The Rebirth of Val". Reclaiming my body (getting back into fitness and yoga, shedding every extra pound I gained for him), reviving my hobbies, standing up for myself again, etc. And so far, for me personally, it's been pretty successful. Had a period of time where I fully reclaimed my body and wouldn't be naked around him anymore because I just didn't see the point. That and, with sex or indication of interest in my body never happening, it kinda made me feel like just another female-shaped body for him to passively look at but never interact with. I felt like the porn on his phone. Taking a bath? Shower curtain stays closed. Changing? I'd step into another room. I started dressing very modestly (kaftan dresses, abayas, etc.) so that my body was never on display for anyone. The pleasure my body held visually or sexually was for me alone. I stopped that approach when it started to feel like internalized body shame. But he really didn't like that idea. He said he felt like he was being denied something or wasn't trusted. He said we have to start just having regular sex again in order to fix things and we can't do that if I can't even be naked around him. Gradually worked myself back to being naked around him again and told him I was finally open to having sex with him again that weekend. Surprisingly, he said he was too. Unsurprisingly, nothing occurred. (Which was later trumped up to me not initiating or bringing it up again for the rest of the weekend... Because, considering I had proposed the idea and he verbally agreed, I made the stupid decision to wait for him to meet me halfway...). Two whole weeks passed and I didn't bring it up again, waiting for him to bring it up and/or meet me halfway. Which culminated in him asking for privacy to masturbate and me finally broaching the topic. That was when his explanation about initiating came out. But in that moment, though I proposed sex again, he then claimed he still had anxiety around sex that he needed to work on before he'd feel totally comfortable having sex again. The goalposts had moved yet again, triggering some rad depression for me. A depression that has lasted from that moment to this very day. Wedded bliss, I tell ya lol. (P.S. Living without sex is bearable for him because all he seems to need is his fetish porn. And part of me suspects that if the tables wete turned and our present issue blocked his access to both porn and masturbation, THEN he'd feel the sense of loss, grief, and desperation I feel and finally match my motivations to remedy it 🤣🤣🤣)
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Apr 24, 2024 7:08:07 GMT -5
Welcome to the forum Val.....Yours is an interesting turn on the usual story. More often than not sex disappears when one or both partners gain a lot of weight. You are in counselling and it seems to be helping you. I expect your lack of success in couples conselling has been costly for the relationship. Right now you are in the staying camp. I suggest you read in the topic specific to that decision. Hopefully you will find some information and coping mechanisms that make staying easier. Or if after a while you decide staying is not doable for you you will find the other categories usefull in planning and managing your exit. Keep us informed as all stories have something to add to the forum. good luck...
|
|
|
Post by littlesunshine666 on Apr 24, 2024 7:12:42 GMT -5
Welcome to the forum Val.....Yours is an interesting turn on the usual story. More often than not sex disappears when one or both partners gain a lot of weight. You are in counselling and it seems to be helping you. I expect your lack of success in couples conselling has been costly for the relationship. Right now you are in the staying camp. I suggest you read in the topic specific to that decision. Hopefully you will find some information and coping mechanisms that make staying easier. Or if after a while you decide staying is not doable for you you will find the other categories usefull in planning and managing your exit. Keep us informed as all stories have something to add to the forum. good luck... Will do. And yeah, definitely in the staying camp because I truly love him so much. And he says he loves me too. This is just a bear of an incompatibility to face. And the particular fetish it centers on makes it that much harder to talk about with folks in my life. Hence forums lol. But the longer this goes on, the more my commitment to staying gradually wears thin. I'm down to stay if we actually work on the problem and something is done about the fetish. But if that doesn't happen, I'm most likely out of here. The only reason I'm still here at the moment is his expressed desire to fix things. Time will tell.
|
|
kevinp
New Member
sex where R U
Posts: 8
Age Range: 66-70
|
Post by kevinp on Apr 26, 2024 3:24:35 GMT -5
Hello. KevinP here Long term sexless marriage. Just dealing with the depression and anxiety by talking with others. Hi KevinP, We are here in a safe space for talking about the depression and anxiety. Whatever you want to share or just listen to is okay in this judgement free environment. We are all in a club we don't want to be in. You'll find this group to be very helpful, empathetic, and accepting of your highs and lows. That's what I'm hoping; to talk about this mess in my mind and marriage. I have done some things which may atract criticism but it is what it is, when the frustration is tough to handle. Thank you. I shal lenjoy this forum, I'm sure
|
|