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Post by mirrororchid on Jun 20, 2024 5:42:59 GMT -5
... I love my daughter. She's going to be 7. But she and mom and have a very strong relationship that sometimes makes me feel estranged from my daughter.... because my wife is so much more deeply involved in her development and deliberately so. But I'm not here to vent about any problems with my daughter.
... I know we should divorce, separate, ...both of us have to work in order to raise our daughter... I've visited massage parlors; I've been with an escort. ...
...We've gone through our share of marriage counseling and she wants us to do more. But inside, I feel so empty. Like now, we're just beating a dead horse. I'm no longer physically attracted to her. But like I said, neither she nor I have anywhere to go. She's told me in no uncertain terms that if we divorced she would take our daughter and just leave. And it breaks my heart to see my daughter continue her upbringing from divorced parents.
... I'm also on my wife's health insurance plan. And I need her health insurance. ... I have few friends,... haven't been able to rise professionally to a level that I wish I could. I see myself as one giant disappointment and who frankly, can't figure out what my ultimate purpose is in life,...
Lots to go over here, but I'm going to focus on Mrs. SundayBlue's interest in further marital counseling. What is she out to accomplish? What does she want? Perhaps indulge her and drop anything you hope to get out of it. Strengthen the partnership ("marriage" technically). You are co-parents. You'd like to stay together. You have opportunities to find intimacy outside the home. Staying a part of your daughter's life might be priority one? Ultimate purpose may not be necessary. Do you have A purpose. Obsessing over a daughter can be counterproductive, but is more intense involvement worthwhile, potentially fulfilling, and useful to her upbringing to see what contributions a father can make and what role model she could use for a future husband? My wife is obese too. I do active things with my daughter that my wife couldn't hope to do. (e.g. hiking with steep hills) You have opportunities to provide life experiences she will badly miss if you were to be shut out and she may well resent her mother for depriving her. Maybe take your daughter to some activities with friends of hers and get some background on her life. Seen any shows she likes together? Introduced her to any childhood favorites of yours? How aware is Mrs. SundayBlue of your sexual outlets? Is she so unaware of where hundreds of dollars vanish to? Are you weaving a web of lies to cover up your compensation for your sexless marriage? Not judging, just asking. Lots of people have outsourced when faced with relentless denial.
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Post by sundayblue0071 on Jun 21, 2024 0:26:45 GMT -5
... I love my daughter. She's going to be 7. But she and mom and have a very strong relationship that sometimes makes me feel estranged from my daughter.... because my wife is so much more deeply involved in her development and deliberately so. But I'm not here to vent about any problems with my daughter.
... I know we should divorce, separate, ...both of us have to work in order to raise our daughter... I've visited massage parlors; I've been with an escort. ...
...We've gone through our share of marriage counseling and she wants us to do more. But inside, I feel so empty. Like now, we're just beating a dead horse. I'm no longer physically attracted to her. But like I said, neither she nor I have anywhere to go. She's told me in no uncertain terms that if we divorced she would take our daughter and just leave. And it breaks my heart to see my daughter continue her upbringing from divorced parents.
... I'm also on my wife's health insurance plan. And I need her health insurance. ... I have few friends,... haven't been able to rise professionally to a level that I wish I could. I see myself as one giant disappointment and who frankly, can't figure out what my ultimate purpose is in life,...
Lots to go over here, but I'm going to focus on Mrs. SundayBlue's interest in further marital counseling. What is she out to accomplish? What does she want?Well, she doesn't want to get divorced. That much I know. Perhaps indulge her and drop anything you hope to get out of it. Strengthen the partnership ("marriage" technically). You are co-parents. You'd like to stay together. You have opportunities to find intimacy outside the home. Staying a part of your daughter's life might be priority one?Yeah, opportunities outside the home. I once tried years ago and her behavior towards my feeble attempt at us staying at a B&B so we could be intimate seem to fall flat. I grew frustrated and just angry at her. Now she says she wants to go out on dates more and leave our child with a relative. We had a spontaneous breakfast at an expensive breakfast restaurant and I didn't even really enjoy myself. We seemed to bicker more than anything else. It's not just the sex. It's her personality I'm not enjoying anymore. She always has to express herself when I'm not even asking her to do so. If I say anything that somehow triggers a reaction in her she has to express it and I feel like we just get on each other's nerves more than anything. Ultimate purpose may not be necessary. Do you have A purpose. Obsessing over a daughter can be counterproductive, but is more intense involvement worthwhile, potentially fulfilling, and useful to her upbringing to see what contributions a father can make and what role model she could use for a future husband?Well, my daughter is going to be 7 in July. Right now, she and her mother have this unbreakable bond that runs so deep that I sometimes feel like a 3rd wheel. But I know the pendulum can swing and I believe as she gets older things will change and so will our relationship in a way where I think she and I can become good friends, not just a father/daughter thing. I want to be a good role model for her but she's already been growing up in an environment where she's witnessed her parents bicker and/or argue. It's made her cry. And I feel terrible about it. And my wife feels terrible too. I was stunned when my daughter uttered the "divorce" word out of nowhere after she witnessed one of our arguments. I have no idea where she learned or picked up that word since we were careful never to reference or mention it whenever she was around. But kids can be so precocious. I don't think she picked up at school. She graduated from the 1st grade this year. But who knows? My wife is obese too. I do active things with my daughter that my wife couldn't hope to do. (e.g. hiking with steep hills) You have opportunities to provide life experiences she will badly miss if you were to be shut out and she may well resent her mother for depriving her. Maybe take your daughter to some activities with friends of hers and get some background on her life. Seen any shows she likes together? Introduced her to any childhood favorites of yours?Thanks. And I appreciate your suggestions. I do want to provide her with life experiences that I don't want her to miss. I love to go hiking. I was hoping that she would pick up the hiking bug after we had done a couple of short hikes/walks but she still hasn't. But she loves to go swimming and my wife takes her to swim class. I've taken her on a little field trips, if you will. But probably not enough. My wife is the one who has spent the most time with our daughter. That's for sure. How aware is Mrs. SundayBlue of your sexual outlets? Is she so unaware of where hundreds of dollars vanish to? Are you weaving a web of lies to cover up your compensation for your sexless marriage? Not judging, just asking. Lots of people have outsourced when faced with relentless denial.Well, I purposely made it so that we don't just share one pot of money. I knew early on that it's important for each partner to have their own checking or savings account with money that belongs to them. So, we have one shared account that we both deposit money into that pays for all of our domestic needs. And when that pot of money is spent, we each spend money from our own bank account on any additional domestic priorities, such as shopping, etc... My wife has questioned this arrangement but I'll never change it. If she knew that I spent hundreds of dollars on extramarital activities she would literally divorce me on the spot (wouldn't most wives?). She knows how sexually frustrated I am but expects me to work it out with her. In all honesty, she doesn't understand or appreciate the "male mind." I think there are women out there who do understand the male mind and do understand that if you are in a relationship where one partner has a stronger desire for sex than the other, it's not going to end well, in general. And if the woman deprives the man of sex, how do you think the man is going to respond?? Depriving your partner of sex is exactly what you don't want to do and it will piss off your partner. Honestly, I'm just fed up and I'm doing my best to manage things but I worry I could actually really lose it at some point. I want to meditate more and I really do fantasize a lot. I know I'm being selfish. I'm not happy about it. But I have the biology that I have. And I know that in looking back, I really did select the wrong woman to marry. It's my fault. I have no one else to blame. But I also got fed up dating and made some compromises in choosing to marry the woman that I did. I once dated a woman who said she was only looking for the "perfect" man. She, of course, dumped me after one week of dating because I was not perfect for her. I was like, WTF?? There is no such thing as the "perfect man." But then what I realized was she was not going to compromise on certain things and now, years later, I get it. She would have rather stayed single rather than be stuck in a miserable marriage.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 25, 2024 3:47:32 GMT -5
The turning point for me was when our child psychologist told both me and my now ex wife " the two of you are setting a horrible example of what a loving, caring, intimate relationship aught to be."
That gave me the strength ( and this forum) to pull the plug. I did it for them and finally for me,and... yes, even for my now ex. Better for everyone to be separate, and have a new beginning.
The sad part is how many men never get to see their children again,and what the stats show about children raised by single mothers.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jun 25, 2024 19:03:41 GMT -5
...We seemed to bicker more than anything else. It's not just the sex. It's her personality I'm not enjoying anymore. She always has to express herself when I'm not even asking her to do so. If I say anything that somehow triggers a reaction in her she has to express it and I feel like we just get on each other's nerves more than anything.... ... she and her mother have this unbreakable bond that runs so deep that I sometimes feel like a 3rd wheel....she and I can become good friends, not just a father/daughter thing. ... she's witnessed her parents bicker and/or argue. It's made her cry. And I feel terrible about it. And my wife feels terrible too. I was stunned when my daughter uttered the "divorce" word out of nowhere ... I don't think she picked up at school. She graduated from the 1st grade this year. But who knows? ... I was hoping that she would pick up the hiking bug after we had done a couple of short hikes/walks but she still hasn't. But she loves to go swimming and my wife takes her to swim class. I've taken her on a little field trips, if you will. But probably not enough. ... ... she doesn't understand or appreciate the "male mind." I think there are women out there who do understand the male mind and do understand that if you are in a relationship where one partner has a stronger desire for sex than the other, it's not going to end well, in general....But I have the biology that I have. And I know that in looking back, I really did select the wrong woman to marry. It's my fault. I have no one else to blame. But I also got fed up dating and made some compromises in choosing to marry the woman that I did. I once dated a woman who said she was only looking for the "perfect" man. ... But then what I realized was she was not going to compromise on certain things and now, years later, I get it. She would have rather stayed single rather than be stuck in a miserable marriage. ILIASM ate my replies. As for mismatch, it's very common and a healthy population of ILIASM members are women who are the higher libido spouse (or were). It's not necessarily just "male mind". As for the "perfect woman" searching for her match, nobody's perfect, and that's who she'll get. Sorry to hear you're feeling hopeless. That can be handy if there truly is no hope. Are you up for any more effort? Or do you want out? You're not attracted anymore, you say. Do you still love her? Does that keep you where you are? It seems to be a mechanism behind these SMs. You still invest your time and effort into a cause you're still passionate about. The marriage, the spouse, or both. Does that ring true at all? If so, are you waiting for the love to fade away too? Would you want to strengthen it? Or is it the opposite of what you want and recognizing that will help rip the band-aid? Slow agony is most people's choice, but is it a correct one? OTOH, it may not be a band aid. Maybe it's a temporary tattoo, the longer you have it on, and the more closeness you work onto it, the better it turns out.
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Post by sundayblue0071 on Jul 7, 2024 2:36:20 GMT -5
ILIASM ate my replies. Are you up for any more effort? Or do you want out? You're not attracted anymore, you say. Do you still love her? Does that keep you where you are?Do I still love her? I know I'm no longer "in love" with her, in as much as I ever was. I sort of love her, perhaps. But if she was open to divorce and were able to separate amicably I'm more than open to it. We've discussed divorce and threatened me to boot me out of the house but she can't. We both own it now 50/50 and I'm not going anywhere since I have no nowhere to go. If there was a babe waiting for me in the wings who welcomed me to move in to her place, I'd be more than open to it. It seems to be a mechanism behind these SMs. You still invest your time and effort into a cause you're still passionate about. The marriage, the spouse, or both. Does that ring true at all?I'm no longer passionate about our marriage. It's currently DEAD, as far as I'm concerned. We are two people, raising our child but we are not lovers. Just two people. I think she does still love me but not as much as she did when we first married. If so, are you waiting for the love to fade away too? Would you want to strengthen it? Or is it the opposite of what you want and recognizing that will help rip the band-aid? Slow agony is most people's choice, but is it a correct one? OTOH, it may not be a band aid. Maybe it's a temporary tattoo, the longer you have it on, and the more closeness you work onto it, the better it turns out. Oh, I'm for certain in slow agony. I think each one of us dreads getting a divorce and seeing our child grow up in a divorced environment. I never dreamed that would ever happen to me. It would be a nightmare for me. One that I would eventually get over but I have no idea how it would impact my kid. I don't think it would be positive. I would love nothing more to rip the band aid off and just call it quits. But neither one of us has anywhere to go. It's like Paul Simon's song, Overs. It literally is that situation. We keep going OVER IT multiple times in our head, trying to find a way to make things work out when as far as I can see, there's nothing. I am in a sort of hell. That's for sure. And if my father were alive and saw how miserable I am inside, he would be so heartbroken that he would implore me to divorce and just deal with the ramifications down the road. My older brother thinks I'm just wasting my life being in an unhappy marriage. Of course, he was married once and later divorced. So I think most divorced men, when encountering other men who are in a state of a miserable marriage would counsel to just GET OUT IT, if at all possible. Life is just too short to stay miserable. And with that, I concur.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jul 9, 2024 3:53:00 GMT -5
ILIASM ate my replies. Are you up for any more effort? Or do you want out? You're not attracted anymore, you say. Do you still love her? Does that keep you where you are?
Do I still love her? I know I'm no longer "in love" with her, in as much as I ever was. I sort of love her, perhaps. But if she was open to divorce and were able to separate amicably I'm more than open to it. We've discussed divorce and threatened me to boot me out of the house but she can't. We both own it now 50/50 and I'm not going anywhere since I have no nowhere to go. If there was a babe waiting for me in the wings who welcomed me to move in to her place, I'd be more than open to it. It seems to be a mechanism behind these SMs. You still invest your time and effort into a cause you're still passionate about. The marriage, the spouse, or both. Does that ring true at all?I'm no longer passionate about our marriage. It's currently DEAD, as far as I'm concerned. We are two people, raising our child but we are not lovers. Just two people. I think she does still love me but not as much as she did when we first married. If so, are you waiting for the love to fade away too? Would you want to strengthen it? Or is it the opposite of what you want and recognizing that will help rip the band-aid? Slow agony is most people's choice, but is it a correct one? OTOH, it may not be a band aid. Maybe it's a temporary tattoo, the longer you have it on, and the more closeness you work onto it, the better it turns out. Oh, I'm for certain in slow agony. I think each one of us dreads getting a divorce and seeing our child grow up in a divorced environment. I never dreamed that would ever happen to me. It would be a nightmare for me. One that I would eventually get over but I have no idea how it would impact my kid. I don't think it would be positive. I would love nothing more to rip the band aid off and just call it quits. But neither one of us has anywhere to go. It's like Paul Simon's song, Overs. It literally is that situation. We keep going OVER IT multiple times in our head, trying to find a way to make things work out when as far as I can see, there's nothing. I am in a sort of hell. That's for sure. And if my father were alive and saw how miserable I am inside, he would be so heartbroken that he would implore me to divorce and just deal with the ramifications down the road. My older brother thinks I'm just wasting my life being in an unhappy marriage. Of course, he was married once and later divorced. So I think most divorced men, when encountering other men who are in a state of a miserable marriage would counsel to just GET OUT IT, if at all possible. Life is just too short to stay miserable. And with that, I concur. Sorry if you've covered this. Do you share the bedroom? IS it possible to spilt off part of the house as a separate living quarters? Is there any appeal in that? Or does it too closely resemble the "broken home" you're wanting to avoid and doesn't fulfill the key function. (intimate companionship) A secure in-law suite with separate entrance might afford privacy for romantic trysts with a new friend. I advocate polyamory rather than divorce to help with coerced celibacy. If you divorce, you pay a lot of money to lawyers and you're still alone. Then the next chick wants to marry you and five years later, you may be right back where you started. worksforme2 and you need a thread specifically to research and formulate plans to find eligible ladies when in the golden years. I may need that research someday in the not too distant future, myself.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 9, 2024 5:47:45 GMT -5
worksforme2 and you need a thread specifically to research and formulate plans to find eligible ladies when in the golden years. I may need that research someday in the not too distant future, myself. hmmm,....a collabrative effort might be more productive than the lone wolf approach I and most single males in their senior years employ. Either way if I could formulate such a plan and it worked, I could bottle it and sell it for a fortune. What male would not buy a sure fire way to find prospective ladies, especially when we males so often are divorced and single later in life.
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Post by jaimereyes on Jul 17, 2024 13:02:17 GMT -5
Hello Everyone,
I just joined today. I've been in a sexless relationship off and on for about 17 years. I've been married 15 years now. The sexlessness has been due various reasons over the years. Early in our relationship, when we were in our 20s, sex was frequent (about 2-3 times a week). Then, my then-girlfriend became depressed due to deaths of older relatives. I tried to be emotionally supportive of her grief and flexible with sex because I knew that she wasn't feeling it. Then a few weeks would pass. I would initiate and she would say she wasn't in the mood. Months would pass and I remember having our first talk. I would empathize with her sadness and share that I missed the physical and emotional connection. She would say that I just have to be patient. Eventually we would have sporadic sex again and I felt optimistic that things were turning around.
A year or so would pass and we were engaged. Unfortunately, she began to develop panic attacks and severe anxiety. It was hard to see her suffering and I felt helpless. I supported her the best I could. I took her to therapy appointments, psychiatry appointments, and other medical appointments. This would be the start of almost a year of no sex. Again, I knew she was suffering and checked in with her to see if there was any interest in sex. She asked for patience. I did what I could and rarely initiated. Eventually, the anxiety began to subside, and we began to have infrequent sex.
About a year into marriage, we began trying to have a child. Sex was super frequent. It was amazing!! However, for better or worse, I guess we were highly fertile and she was pregnant within a month.
Next came almost 3 years of complete sexlessness. I completely understand no sex during pregnancy and post-partum, as well as infrequent sex during our child's first year. She shared feeling touched out being a new mother. I did what I could to take care of our child when she was feeling tired and I wasn't at work. On the weekends, I watched our baby while she would sleep in. I knew she was tired and I got a chance to really bond with our child.
Now during this near 3 year stretch, I know that I played a role in our sexlessness. My wife and my mother did not get along. I loved them both and would try to keep both happy. Sometimes that meant that my wife didn't feel supported. I'm sure this saga could be its own long post, but I'lll try to keep it brief. I would tell my mother to respect my wife and my marriage, but my wife didn't always see that, so it looked like to my wife that I was probably taking my mother's side more than hers. It was a challenging time, as my mother didn't want me in the marriage, and my wife wanted me to break off communication with my parents. We did have reduced contact with my parents and my mother eventually got her act together and was more respectful. It took a couple years for my wife and I to reconcile this aspect of our marriage.
Sex improved again for the next few years. Maybe sex every couple of weeks. This went on for about 3 years or so. I would initiate more often, but she was usually tired or not feeling well. It wasn't great, but doable. I did my best to manage the hurt feelings when she said no. We would have talks of increasing frequency, but she would usually say that she felt sorry that I wanted more, but I just had to be ok with it. I wouldn't make demands, but would ask how we could work together to make sex more appealing or help her get in the mood. We would go on dates. I'd help around the house and cook dinner on most days. She would say that there wasn't much to do and that she wasn't in charge of my orgasm.
Most recently, sex has been infrequent due to her being diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder. I completely understand her not wanting sex. She's not always physically well. She is medically managed and exercises regularly, but has shared that she doesn't want sex often. Perhaps, the hardest part is dealing with the guilt. I feel guilty for feeling lonely and wanting sex.
So, thanks to anybody who read this long essay. I'm grateful that there is a community for this and look forward to providing and receiving support!
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Post by mirrororchid on Jul 30, 2024 13:00:35 GMT -5
...when we were in our 20s, sex was frequent (about 2-3 times a week). Then, my then-girlfriend became depressed due to deaths of older relatives ...A year or so would pass and we were engaged. Unfortunately, she began to develop panic attacks and severe anxiety...and we began to have infrequent sex. About a year into marriage, we began trying to have a child. Sex was super frequent. It was amazing!! However, for better or worse, I guess we were highly fertile and she was pregnant within a month. Next came almost 3 years of complete sexlessness ...I did what I could to take care of our child when she was feeling tired and I wasn't at work... and I got a chance to really bond with our child. Now during this near 3 year stretch, I know that I played a role in our sexlessness. My wife and my mother did not get along.... my mother didn't want me in the marriage, and my wife wanted me to break off communication with my parents. We did have reduced contact with my parents and my mother eventually got her act together and was more respectful. It took a couple years for my wife and I to reconcile this aspect of our marriage. ... she felt sorry that I wanted more, but I just had to be ok with it... I'd help around the house and cook dinner on most days. She would say that there wasn't much to do and that she wasn't in charge of my orgasm. Most recently, sex has been infrequent due to her being diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder. ... the hardest part is dealing with the guilt. I feel guilty for feeling lonely and wanting sex. First, did the wife tell you who was in charge of your orgasm? Is it just yours or do they have a portfolio? Are they accepting new clients? Do they take insurance? I'd feel more sympathetic for Mrs. Jaimereyes' autoimmune frigidity if she'd been frisky beforehand and I might identify with your misgivings. Instead, I'm just annoyed. The parade of excuses/rationales/reasons needs to have an end. Even if true, we are to love one another in sickness and in health. We've had seventeen years of your loving her ins sickness, how might she reciprocate for a normal, healthy, red-blooded husband? Did you get contact info for the orgasm consultant? The bonding with the kid is a good enough thing, but many couples replace carnal affection with their spouses with obsession over offspring and mistake it for healthy family life. Your story is a common one. Sadly common. The bonding with the kid may suit you well if you're going to tell the Mrs. you're done with the non-censensual celibacy. When you're ready to pull the pin on the grenade, close ties to your daughter and civil respectful service to the wife can give you the best hope for a graceful exit from celibacy, be it opening up, or divorce. (or if planets align, remission)
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 31, 2024 14:35:32 GMT -5
...when we were in our 20s, sex was frequent (about 2-3 times a week). Then, my then-girlfriend became depressed due to deaths of older relatives ...A year or so would pass and we were engaged. Unfortunately, she began to develop panic attacks and severe anxiety...and we began to have infrequent sex. About a year into marriage, we began trying to have a child. Sex was super frequent. It was amazing!! However, for better or worse, I guess we were highly fertile and she was pregnant within a month. Next came almost 3 years of complete sexlessness ...I did what I could to take care of our child when she was feeling tired and I wasn't at work... and I got a chance to really bond with our child. Now during this near 3 year stretch, I know that I played a role in our sexlessness. My wife and my mother did not get along.... my mother didn't want me in the marriage, and my wife wanted me to break off communication with my parents. We did have reduced contact with my parents and my mother eventually got her act together and was more respectful. It took a couple years for my wife and I to reconcile this aspect of our marriage. ... she felt sorry that I wanted more, but I just had to be ok with it... I'd help around the house and cook dinner on most days. She would say that there wasn't much to do and that she wasn't in charge of my orgasm. Most recently, sex has been infrequent due to her being diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder. ... the hardest part is dealing with the guilt. I feel guilty for feeling lonely and wanting sex. First, did the wife tell you who was in charge of your orgasm? Is it just yours or do they have a portfolio? Are they accepting new clients? Do they take insurance? I'd feel more sympathetic for Mrs. Jaimereyes' autoimmune frigidity if she'd been frisky beforehand and I might identify with your misgivings. Instead, I'm just annoyed. The parade of excuses/rationales/reasons needs to have an end. Even if true, we are to love one another in sickness and in health. We've had seventeen years of your loving her ins sickness, how might she reciprocate for a normal, healthy, red-blooded husband? Did you get contact info for the orgasm consultant? The bonding with the kid is a good enough thing, but many couples replace carnal affection with their spouses with obsession over offspring and mistake it for healthy family life. Your story is a common one. Sadly common. The bonding with the kid may suit you well if you're going to tell the Mrs. you're done with the non-censensual celibacy. When you're ready to pull the pin on the grenade, close ties to your daughter and civil respectful service to the wife can give you the best hope for a graceful exit from celibacy, be it opening up, or divorce. (or if planets align, remission) Re-posting to replace spam
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Post by marcus on Aug 4, 2024 5:56:35 GMT -5
Marc here, and yes, it's a pseudonym. Reading some of this shows me I'm a lightweight in the sexless marriage department. I read lately that 10 or less times in a year constitutes a sexless marriage, according to psychologists. I'm on pace for just a couple ticks above that, but being drip-fed intimacy is torture. Affection is sparse. And to tell you how desperate I've become to even register with a forum like this is almost unbelievable. I cracked earlier tonight. It's 5am and I'm not doing well.
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 4, 2024 14:06:45 GMT -5
welcome to the forum macus,....who selected 10 as the majic # of qualifing as a SM is somewhat ramdon to me. If you are on pace for that # or there aboust I doubt 15 times would make you feel much better. When you feel so inclined to share your story, please post it in ths Sexless Marriage theme. It will get more views there.
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Post by lonelyhubby on Aug 5, 2024 8:58:35 GMT -5
Don't be too hard on yourself Marcus (no pun intended) - it wears on you, and yeah you crack eventually. Understand it's not all about you
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Post by jaimereyes on Aug 5, 2024 11:07:50 GMT -5
...when we were in our 20s, sex was frequent (about 2-3 times a week). Then, my then-girlfriend became depressed due to deaths of older relatives ...A year or so would pass and we were engaged. Unfortunately, she began to develop panic attacks and severe anxiety...and we began to have infrequent sex. About a year into marriage, we began trying to have a child. Sex was super frequent. It was amazing!! However, for better or worse, I guess we were highly fertile and she was pregnant within a month. Next came almost 3 years of complete sexlessness ...I did what I could to take care of our child when she was feeling tired and I wasn't at work... and I got a chance to really bond with our child. Now during this near 3 year stretch, I know that I played a role in our sexlessness. My wife and my mother did not get along.... my mother didn't want me in the marriage, and my wife wanted me to break off communication with my parents. We did have reduced contact with my parents and my mother eventually got her act together and was more respectful. It took a couple years for my wife and I to reconcile this aspect of our marriage. ... she felt sorry that I wanted more, but I just had to be ok with it... I'd help around the house and cook dinner on most days. She would say that there wasn't much to do and that she wasn't in charge of my orgasm. Most recently, sex has been infrequent due to her being diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder. ... the hardest part is dealing with the guilt. I feel guilty for feeling lonely and wanting sex. First, did the wife tell you who was in charge of your orgasm? Is it just yours or do they have a portfolio? Are they accepting new clients? Do they take insurance? I'd feel more sympathetic for Mrs. Jaimereyes' autoimmune frigidity if she'd been frisky beforehand and I might identify with your misgivings. Instead, I'm just annoyed. The parade of excuses/rationales/reasons needs to have an end. Even if true, we are to love one another in sickness and in health. We've had seventeen years of your loving her ins sickness, how might she reciprocate for a normal, healthy, red-blooded husband? Did you get contact info for the orgasm consultant? The bonding with the kid is a good enough thing, but many couples replace carnal affection with their spouses with obsession over offspring and mistake it for healthy family life. Your story is a common one. Sadly common. The bonding with the kid may suit you well if you're going to tell the Mrs. you're done with the non-censensual celibacy. When you're ready to pull the pin on the grenade, close ties to your daughter and civil respectful service to the wife can give you the best hope for a graceful exit from celibacy, be it opening up, or divorce. (or if planets align, remission) Basically, that I was in charge of my orgasm. However, one time she overheard me masturbating in the bathroom and said not to ever make it so obvious again because it was gross. That said, the door was closed and the fan was on to be more discreet. She apologized later and said masturbation was natural. But she said what she said. This was approximately 10 years ago. Yes, this is where I second guess myself regarding the impact of her autoimmune concerns. On one hand, she doesn't always feel great and I want to be understanding of that. However, she also seems to be well enough to do pilates and do other forms of exercise. Last week I was watching TV in the evening and she walked in and said that she felt bad that we weren't having sex and knows that it's hard on me. But then she basically said that not much can be done and maybe it'll get better. She said exercise is the only thing that makes her feel better mentally and physically. I said that's understandable and sex is also a form of physical activity and something we can share. She said that's true, but she didn't sound like she believed it.
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Post by lonelyhubby on Aug 5, 2024 13:34:37 GMT -5
Sounds like she has replaced the sex with something else, if it wasn't exercise, it would be endlessly scrolling, or shopping, or hobbies... It's common, she should seek some professional help to let her identify WHY she feels this is safer than connecting via sex. It is avoidance, and odds are it's not because of sex - it's because of the vulnerability that comes from that connection.
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