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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 16, 2023 7:26:00 GMT -5
Sex is important but so is 35 years of marriage, love, and loyalty. Sometimes you are stuck, for whatever reason. I'm not saying I won't refuse an opportunity from another man but, as for giving up in my marriage, it is what it is. Sorry if I misunderstood what you were saying. It reads like you were giving up an all sex. I agreed 35yrs. of marriage would be important. Perhaps you should have a conversation about opening up the marriage. If he has ED issues or is just not interested, he may be willing to go along with your having a FWB if he values your happiness. Do you think it is worth having that conversation?
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Post by Same old, same old on Nov 16, 2023 7:43:39 GMT -5
Sex is important but so is 35 years of marriage, love, and loyalty. Sometimes you are stuck, for whatever reason. I'm not saying I won't refuse an opportunity from another man but, as for giving up in my marriage, it is what it is. Sorry if I misunderstood what you were saying. It reads like you were giving up an all sex. I agreed 35yrs. of marriage would be important. Perhaps you should have a conversation about opening up the marriage. If he has ED issues or is just not interested, he may be willing to go along with your having a FWB if he values your happiness. Do you think it is worth having that conversation? I think he would absolutely NOT want to have that conversation. He is very controlling and narcissistic. If it doesn't work for him, I need to be miserable too, in his mind. I think a secret encounter or two is my only vice for sexual satisfaction.
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Post by Dean D on Nov 18, 2023 10:23:31 GMT -5
New to the forum but not new to SM. Sex is max 2x per year for the last 16 years, been married 27. Our relationship is good and I love my wife, we have 2 wonderful children together. When I suggest sex, try to do it in a joking and loving way, it’s always tomorrow or later but never happens.
I’ve tried repeatedly, but it’s always a no go. Not sure what to do next, I don’t want divorce, I love our life in so many ways but the SM leads to feelings of loneliness and lack of connection in that intimate way. I’m always hopeful that things will get better but they don’t. Frustrating to say the least.
Anyways, I don’t want to really be part of this group, but happy it’s here for support…lol
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Post by Same old, same old on Nov 18, 2023 10:34:53 GMT -5
New to the forum but not new to SM. Sex is max 2x per year for the last 16 years, been married 27. Our relationship is good and I love my wife, we have 2 wonderful children together. When I suggest sex, try to do it in a joking and loving way, it’s always tomorrow or later but never happens. I’ve tried repeatedly, but it’s always a no go. Not sure what to do next, I don’t want divorce, I love our life in so many ways but the SM leads to feelings of loneliness and lack of connection in that intimate way. I’m always hopeful that things will get better but they don’t. Frustrating to say the least. Anyways, I don’t want to really be part of this group, but happy it’s here for support…lol I totally relate ... I love my H too but there hasn't been intimacy for many, many years. We have a good life, and share so much but the lack of sex and touch has me feeling very lonely and unwanted in that intimate way. Welcome to the club that none of us want to belong to 💜
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 336
Member is Online
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Post by m76 on Nov 18, 2023 11:24:59 GMT -5
New to the forum but not new to SM. Sex is max 2x per year for the last 16 years, been married 27. Our relationship is good and I love my wife, we have 2 wonderful children together. When I suggest sex, try to do it in a joking and loving way, it’s always tomorrow or later but never happens. I’ve tried repeatedly, but it’s always a no go. Not sure what to do next, I don’t want divorce, I love our life in so many ways but the SM leads to feelings of loneliness and lack of connection in that intimate way. I’m always hopeful that things will get better but they don’t. Frustrating to say the least. Anyways, I don’t want to really be part of this group, but happy it’s here for support…lol I feel that loneliness too Dean. Went from sex every day, to once a week to once a month, until finally she complete cut it off. I also got the excuses, my timing was bad, she had a hard day, she's too hot... on and on. After talking to her about it I found out she never wants to have sex. It's lonely for sure living with someone that you love but brushes you off.
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 18, 2023 12:24:14 GMT -5
Welcome to the forum dean D......Yes staying in a SM , knowing it is never going to get better has to be frustrationg. I could never do it so I left after just a couple years. If you are new and have not spent much time here I suggest you begin in the Choosing to Stay theme. It may give you some coping mechanisms as it seems you have no intention of seperating from your W.
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Post by toughtiger on Nov 18, 2023 19:59:56 GMT -5
New to the forum but not new to SM. Sex is max 2x per year for the last 16 years, been married 27. Our relationship is good and I love my wife, we have 2 wonderful children together. When I suggest sex, try to do it in a joking and loving way, it’s always tomorrow or later but never happens. I’ve tried repeatedly, but it’s always a no go. Not sure what to do next, I don’t want divorce, I love our life in so many ways but the SM leads to feelings of loneliness and lack of connection in that intimate way. I’m always hopeful that things will get better but they don’t. Frustrating to say the least. Anyways, I don’t want to really be part of this group, but happy it’s here for support…lol I feel that loneliness too Dean. Went from sex every day, to once a week to once a month, until finally she complete cut it off. I also got the excuses, my timing was bad, she had a hard day, she's too hot... on and on. After talking to her about it I found out she never wants to have sex. It's lonely for sure living with someone that you love but brushes you off. We tell ourselves that we like our lives .... we only want the sex part to return it is NOT going to for most and believe me sooner or later you will need to make other plans. i told myself it was financial or for the looks of it to everyone else .... but in the end i am becoming more bitter every week.
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 18, 2023 20:06:07 GMT -5
We tell ourselves that we like our lives .... we only want the sex part to return it is NOT going to for most and believe me sooner or later you will need to make other plans. i told myself it was financial or for the looks of it to everyone else .... but in the end i am becoming more bitter every week. Bitterness was a state I did not want to have enter into my marriage. I loved my now X right to the end. I still have a soft spot in my heart for her after being divorced for about 8-9yrs. But she still prefers to be sexless, and I do not.
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Post by Dean D on Nov 19, 2023 5:39:40 GMT -5
New to the forum but not new to SM. Sex is max 2x per year for the last 16 years, been married 27. Our relationship is good and I love my wife, we have 2 wonderful children together. When I suggest sex, try to do it in a joking and loving way, it’s always tomorrow or later but never happens. I’ve tried repeatedly, but it’s always a no go. Not sure what to do next, I don’t want divorce, I love our life in so many ways but the SM leads to feelings of loneliness and lack of connection in that intimate way. I’m always hopeful that things will get better but they don’t. Frustrating to say the least. Anyways, I don’t want to really be part of this group, but happy it’s here for support…lol I feel that loneliness too Dean. Went from sex every day, to once a week to once a month, until finally she complete cut it off. I also got the excuses, my timing was bad, she had a hard day, she's too hot... on and on. After talking to her about it I found out she never wants to have sex. It's lonely for sure living with someone that you love but brushes you off. This is all too familiar, the only difference is she is still saying later, tomorrow, too hot the only difference is I still get hopeful but it never happens
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Post by toughtiger on Nov 19, 2023 12:05:21 GMT -5
I think it is mean and cruel to keep kicking the can down the road ... the later / i am tired / maybe on the weekend / it is too hot yada yada. If she thinks she is being honest then she is not facing the issue and if she does not see it is a problem she will NOT work to help fix.
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miestas
Junior Member
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Post by miestas on Nov 19, 2023 15:18:34 GMT -5
Hello Dean D
Your wife sounds like mine. There is always an excuse, too much to do, too much stress, etc. The problem is not that I want sex. I can pay for that. What I want is someone to WANT to have sex with me. Who finds me physically attractive. Who sees sex as a way to say they love me. Who wants sex so I can give them something they really want and enjoy because we love each other. If I have to convince someone to have sex with me, it defeats the whole purpose and I usually can’t perform, with or without chemical assistance.
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m76
Full Member
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Member is Online
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Post by m76 on Nov 19, 2023 15:37:36 GMT -5
Hello Dean D Your wife sounds like mine. There is always an excuse, too much to do, too much stress, etc. The problem is not that I want sex. I can pay for that. What I want is someone to WANT to have sex with me. Who finds me physically attractive. Who sees sex as a way to say they love me. Who wants sex so I can give them something they really want and enjoy because we love each other. If I have to convince someone to have sex with me, it defeats the whole purpose and I usually can’t perform, with or without chemical assistance. This. All this. Something I've been searching for, if the best part of sex is knowing how much they want to be with me, is there really anything else that can fill that void?
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Post by toughtiger on Nov 19, 2023 18:05:16 GMT -5
This. All this. Something I've been searching for, if the best part of sex is knowing how much they want to be with me, is there really anything else that can fill that void? No there is nothing to fill that void ....... like has been said before just hooking up can be done....... but it does not give us the sense of being wanted and appreciated and loved... the shared moments the warmth and connection. I think of it this way when i used to have a sex life i could think about it after even days if a good episode and smile and feel content..... if i hooked up with some guy willing and able i would most likely want to forget it and shower frequently lol
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Post by Dean D on Nov 19, 2023 22:05:39 GMT -5
This. All this. Something I've been searching for, if the best part of sex is knowing how much they want to be with me, is there really anything else that can fill that void? No there is nothing to fill that void ....... like has been said before just hooking up can be done....... but it does not give us the sense of being wanted and appreciated and loved... the shared moments the warmth and connection. I think of it this way when i used to have a sex life i could think about it after even days if a good episode and smile and feel content..... if i hooked up with some guy willing and able i would most likely want to forget it and shower frequently lol toughtiger, I agree. It's that other person wanting you and being appreciated that's the key. Miss the feeling of W initiating the sex and wanting me.
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Post by mirrororchid on Nov 20, 2023 20:59:58 GMT -5
No there is nothing to fill that void ....... like has been said before just hooking up can be done....... but it does not give us the sense of being wanted and appreciated and loved... the shared moments the warmth and connection. I think of it this way when i used to have a sex life i could think about it after even days if a good episode and smile and feel content..... if i hooked up with some guy willing and able i would most likely want to forget it and shower frequently lol toughtiger, I agree. It's that other person wanting you and being appreciated that's the key. Miss the feeling of W initiating the sex and wanting me. yesterday at 3:18pm miestas said: Hello Dean DYour wife sounds like mine. There is always an excuse, too much to do, too much stress, etc. The problem is not that I want sex. I can pay for that. What I want is someone to WANT to have sex with me. Who finds me physically attractive. Who sees sex as a way to say they love me. Who wants sex so I can give them something they really want and enjoy because we love each other. If I have to convince someone to have sex with me, it defeats the whole purpose and I usually can’t perform, with or without chemical assistance.Posted by m76yesterday at 3:37pm This. All this.Something I've been searching for, if the best part of sex is knowing how much they want to be with me, is there really anything else that can fill that void?
Seems like all four of you see yourselves rutting like animals with some piece of meat you swiped right on Tinder to get with. Why? If you three gents messaged ToughTiger and she said what she just said, would you response be, "Too bad all we can do is fuck. It'd be nice if I were able to care about you." Toughtiger, are these guys not sounding as though they want to give what you want to receive? If we are limiting ourselves to physical release only, I dare say that's on us. It is not a matter that we cannot get this simple desire fulfilled, it is that we deny it ourselves out of a deference to a neglectful marriage that fails to provide it where a new partner isn't merely willing but longs to provide it. When we see ourselves as only scratching an itch it deprives not just ourselves but prospective partners who want the very same thing. Some ILIASM members declare they want a spouse that provides this deep connection. Getting such a connection from a lover is not acceptable without vow and ring. While I acknowledge the deep seated, visceral need behind this demand for the linkage, I do not yet see a rational rationale and I ponder about my own disposition that finds no such mandate. I may live, survive, and befriend my life partner, Mrs. MirrorOrchid, as she wishes, and bestow passion and lust upon another man's wife whose husband is her BFF (until death do they part.) This had been the plan before my wife's lengthy reset. Yet so many deliberately keep such an arrangement at arm's length. I don't understand.
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