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Post by mirrororchid on May 11, 2023 6:14:07 GMT -5
The reason to skedaddle would be my feelings for him and also my kids... at times the relationship seems nice, even though it can take a turn out of nowhere and feel terrible. The part you said that it does not get bad enough to leave makes sense to me, and yes, money. The arguments are often about him wanting me to plan things for the family or how "my mood affects everyone amd I make everyone miserable". We are also in the process of a move and both really stressed. Still, we have been in this cycle for a while. I don't think he has an affair. I know he watches porn but idk how often. (Do you think it possible to agree to live in the house with him platonically as co-parents even if you did divorce?)
I Don't think this would be possible. (Deliberately living sexless rather than intending for it to change (this would be you.))
This is kind of how I live now. I know this is not going to change. (If he plans to stay celibate, and he's been in a sexless relationship before, staying married in this one may be as good as it gets and he lives with his kids. Maybe that's important to him. It may be the reason he doesn't divorce. If that path is easy, why go through with it? )
Great point, never thought about it this way. (He doesn't want sex, he says. Too tired.)
He makes it a lot about me, but I don't buy it anymore. (Is he dead set against the idea of you getting intimate companionship elsewhere? Does he insist you be celibate or he'll torch the marriage and family home?)
We have never talked about it seriously, but I honestly would not want to live this way. I have no idea of how I feel at times... this has destroyed my self esteem and left me resentful. Last time we talked about it, it just made feel like he thinks that he is waaay better than me. No sex your fault? Maybe it's DARVO? Maybe he is way better than you, but it's immodest to call attention to it, and questionable to apparently make you feel bad for it. One might also say he has questionable taste if he married someone so vastly inferior. Or, maybe he's grinding down any self-confidence you might muster for fear of what you do could do with it. Insisting that your needs are important and other nonsense. Sarcasm aside, I do not like marriages falling apart (some must), even if it is mostly teh spouse's fault, so allow me to invite you to be charitable and consider that some of his unlikable behavior is bred from fear of breaking the family up and recognizing his role and dreading paying the price for it? Some abused spouses (not saying you are) gain self-confidence and self-respect and part of it turns to hostility and resentment for having tolerated it for too long. The two do not have to go together. If you can recognize your self-worth (assuming you don't already), and proclaim it a sense of profound strength that you can forgive past misbehavior and move forward refusing to accept that behavior, seeking to cure it through benevolent rejection and grow stronger as a unit, you'll establish great value in the eyes of others, if nto necessarily teh one who benefits most. "Why does she put up with him, I couldn't do it." I may be overestimating your distress, so don't let me make mountains out of molehills (nor vice versa!) You have dismissed the "outsource" option, so what is left is "stay and cope", and "leave" (divorce) Coping has had two elements in the experiences of ILIASM members I've read about: Trying to fix the SM and accepting the SM. One can turn into the other, or a refused spouses can switch back and forth. I think I could recommend cultivating acceptance of the SM even as you occasionally test teh water to see if the SM is truly rigid. Having a pragmatic pessimism in teh background even as you implement a suggestion from ILIASM, a friend, another website or a self-help book can manage expectations and make a final capitulation, or divorce, less infused with despair, anger, or hate. This can be helpful to teh family regardless of final disposition. Timelines may be useful. If divorce is an option, how long will you tolerate needs being neglected? Are those needs being neglected a deal breaker? Is being forsaken reason enough to sever the legal marriage if the divine merging of flesh has already ceased? There are examples of ILIASM members who instead take days one at a time and value their forever vows enough to put themselves at the end of the line permanently, justice be damned. Is permanent celibacy or nigh-celibacy a possible outcome? Unhappy, but acceptable? Or do you know that will inevitably be untenable? This will be an important question since the outsourcing option is off the table. |
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Post by eliz75 on May 29, 2023 20:23:33 GMT -5
Hello,
I am a almost 48 mother of 3 kids. This is my second marriage. When we first were dating prior to moving in, he told me that he wasn't sure he loved me because all he wanted to do was "f*ck my brains out". Well we dated for a year before moving together as I was going through a divorce. As soon as we moved in together, sex became sparatic at best. Now being together 13 years, married 10; it's barely once every 3-4 months. Usually he will "give in" because I am frustrated, pissed off and finally say something. So he sees it as a chore in my mind. He has told me numerous things over the years. First it was "sex isn't everything" to which I do agree to a point. Then it was "im exhausted from work", I was frustrated but kind of understood as he works construction and extremely long hours. Then a few years ago when after 4 months of waiting, he told me he had been diagnosed with ED. At this point, he told me he didn't want medication, because it was super expensive for just a few pills. Which I found odd because we have insurance.
Then after a doctors appointment he had a problem with insurance for his prescriptions and asked me to talk to the pharmacist so I could find out what wasn't being covered and talk to our insurance (which I pay for through work), I found out he had ED pills in the prescription. He swears he told me but he hadn't. Then I kept a watch on the ED pills for about a year. He had 20 pills in the prescription but only used a few. We only had sex a couple more times then the pills that were missing. So obviously he didn't NEED them ALL the time. I had a hysterectomy last september and he said oh he couldn't wait 9 weeks. Which turned into months of him not even trying well past the 9 weeks after my surgery. Currently this year it's been twice maybe. We just spent 3 days together off for the holiday weekend and he didn't even kiss me until tonight when he went to bed. We don't have any affection any longer unless, I come to him for a kiss, hug, hold hands etc.
I have never been with a man that didn't want to have sex. My first marriage was a disaster and he begged me to have sex all the time. I didn't because he was mentally abusive, so I had no desire. I am here now with a man I love and want so badly to be ignored. I feel like I can't even breathe. I don't want to leave him but I really can't see spending the rest of my life having little to no sex at all.
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Post by hopingforachange on May 30, 2023 5:25:39 GMT -5
Hello, I am a almost 48 mother of 3 kids. This is my second marriage. When we first were dating prior to moving in, he told me that he wasn't sure he loved me because all he wanted to do was "f*ck my brains out". Well we dated for a year before moving together as I was going through a divorce. As soon as we moved in together, sex became sparatic at best. Now being together 13 years, married 10; it's barely once every 3-4 months. Usually he will "give in" because I am frustrated, pissed off and finally say something. So he sees it as a chore in my mind. He has told me numerous things over the years. First it was "sex isn't everything" to which I do agree to a point. Then it was "im exhausted from work", I was frustrated but kind of understood as he works construction and extremely long hours. Then a few years ago when after 4 months of waiting, he told me he had been diagnosed with ED. At this point, he told me he didn't want medication, because it was super expensive for just a few pills. Which I found odd because we have insurance. Then after a doctors appointment he had a problem with insurance for his prescriptions and asked me to talk to the pharmacist so I could find out what wasn't being covered and talk to our insurance (which I pay for through work), I found out he had ED pills in the prescription. He swears he told me but he hadn't. Then I kept a watch on the ED pills for about a year. He had 20 pills in the prescription but only used a few. We only had sex a couple more times then the pills that were missing. So obviously he didn't NEED them ALL the time. I had a hysterectomy last september and he said oh he couldn't wait 9 weeks. Which turned into months of him not even trying well past the 9 weeks after my surgery. Currently this year it's been twice maybe. We just spent 3 days together off for the holiday weekend and he didn't even kiss me until tonight when he went to bed. We don't have any affection any longer unless, I come to him for a kiss, hug, hold hands etc. I have never been with a man that didn't want to have sex. My first marriage was a disaster and he begged me to have sex all the time. I didn't because he was mentally abusive, so I had no desire. I am here now with a man I love and want so badly to be ignored. I feel like I can't even breathe. I don't want to leave him but I really can't see spending the rest of my life having little to no sex at all. Sorry you're a member of a club no one wanted to join |
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Post by eliz75 on May 30, 2023 5:42:32 GMT -5
hopingforachange Unfortunately I have been a member of this club for years just kept silent. I have a friend who doesn't understand as she is the refuser in her marriage. I can understand her refusing because her husband is abusive and cheats. No one even has a clue that my husband and I don't have sex. He puts on this show I like to call it that he is like every other man. There are times he will smack my butt, or touch me after I get out of the shower. He gets upset when I tell him to stop or it's not going anywhere. Here lately, I just look at him. He also says I just need to be happy. I am always frustrated and that makes me super angry. This being my second marriage, I had hoped I found someone to be happy with but we are roommates who have the same last name and sleep in the same bed. Here recently I have told him we should sleep in separate beds and he just gets angry and says "shut up". I told him it works for his parents so it would work for us. I don't even know why he wants to sleep in the same bed because he has now separated us by a pillow nightly so there is no way for me to accidentally touch him. It seems like sometimes he forgets, hugs up to me and wakes up, then rolls over with his back to me, hoping I didn't notice. We no longer have any affection. I guess that's probably because I look like I want to throat punch him 90% of the time.
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Post by worksforme2 on May 30, 2023 6:53:34 GMT -5
eliz75,....welcome to the forum. You have been a long time lurker so there is little I can say that you probably haven't read before. I am always amazed eading about men who do not make love or at least have sex with their wives. Especially men who are in the age bracket where they should be sporting a boner most of the time.
It's interesting to note that your H uses some of the same dodges my X wife favored. My X had a a couple 2-3 she farored, the too tired being one of them. But foe her she was just mostly "not in the mood".
So much of what you wrote mirrors my own story. The 3-4 month frequency . My X was on the quarterly plan for a while. Then like your H intimacy went away totally. To avoid me pestering her at night she moved to another bed.
One comment I will make. You don't have to leave to get your needs addressed. Several women on the forum have either worked out a "don't ask, don't tall" arangement with their husbands or they have a FWB with the full knowledgr and consent of their H. Still others have found a way to take a lover while the H is working or golfing or doing what thay like to do in stead of f*cking their wifes. You might consider this approach while keeping the marriage going, at leaast until the kids are out of school.
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Post by eliz75 on May 30, 2023 7:01:32 GMT -5
worksforme2 I can tell you with 100% confidence that my husband will never agree to any type of arrangement of me being with anyone. I have a male friend that I've know longer than my husband who lives in another state, that I can no longer talk to regularly because my husband said he saw on my phone we were talking about inappropriate stuff. I will tell you my friend is in my situation, so there are times we talk about our frustration and he will try to give me advice on how to "entice" my husband into sex. So now I have to hide I speak to him at all. I had a work trip to the same state, not area. My husband swore I planned it so I could go see my friend. I told him, that's not possible and my friend didn't know I was even coming to that state. My friends wife, wanted us all to get together to have dinner but he told her how my husband was acting and what was being said, so I didn't even get the chance to meet his wife. I spend two weeks alone for a work trip, because I couldn't even have dinner with my friend and his wife.
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Post by worksforme2 on May 30, 2023 7:15:34 GMT -5
worksforme2 I can tell you with 100% confidence that my husband will never agree to any type of arrangement of me being with anyone. I have a male friend that I've know longer than my husband who lives in another state, that I can no longer talk to regularly because my husband said he saw on my phone we were talking about inappropriate stuff. I will tell you my friend is in my situation, so there are times we talk about our frustration and he will try to give me advice on how to "entice" my husband into sex. So now I have to hide I speak to him at all. I had a work trip to the same state, not area. My husband swore I planned it so I could go see my friend. I told him, that's not possible and my friend didn't know I was even coming to that state. My friends wife, wanted us all to get together to have dinner but he told her how my husband was acting and what was being said, so I didn't even get the chance to meet his wife. I spend two weeks alone for a work trip, because I couldn't even have dinner with my friend and his wife. Your H reads like being quite the tyrant. Being so controlling and accusing you of wanting to cheat while away on business reaks of narcissm. When I was close to the end I started to work on myself , physicall and mentally. When I finally started distancing myself from her I felt confident I would be attractive to another woman when the time presented itself. Getting yourself fit does a # of valuable things for you going forward, even if you stay married. As for your H squashing your jeep girl friendships he just seems interested in control. I agree he isn't the type to allow another man in the picture. Now your choise is to do without or do it on the sly. Not an easy decision. You are probably wasting time trying to entise your H into sex. If he wanted sex he would be poking you with his erection at any given moment. As for what happened to the ED meds, that would be an interesting question to ask him. |
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Post by eliz75 on May 30, 2023 7:22:54 GMT -5
worksforme2 If I asked him what happened to the meds, I would then have to reveal I knew where they were and checked them. I use to say things like "who is calling your girlfriend" etc and he would get pissed at me. He said I said those things to cause a fight. Actually I said them to gauge his reaction. I don't even bother anymore. He is definitely very controlling. I use to go to the gym, he had no interest initially when I asked him to go. After a couple of months, he had to go "with" me. He just walked on the treadmill, but he then could decide when we had to leave or complain we needed to get back. So covid shutdown hit, and I stopped, I haven't went back. When I workout, my sexual desire, is unbearable in this situation.
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Post by dallasgia on May 30, 2023 8:33:23 GMT -5
Welcome eliz75 to this awful club - glad you found this support group. This group has saved my sanity and I can go back and see the progression of my postings. I am farther along the path of this and I see similarities in our stories. The main thing I am struggling with right now - after years of white knuckling this shithole marriage and making it to all 4 kids out of high school - I am struggling with surrendering so many years of my life. What I seemed so certain was the best course of action years ago- now I doubt. Just don’t waste years of your life if you see your situation as irreconcilable. In my marriage - we used to have fights and animosity which for me would have been easier to leave during. Now, just endless days of literally nothing. No fights, no communication, no eye contact even. Just endless days of nothing. Prepare yourself. |
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Post by eliz75 on May 30, 2023 8:43:40 GMT -5
Welcome eliz75 to this awful club - glad you found this support group. This group has saved my sanity and I can go back and see the progression of my postings. I am farther along the path of this and I see similarities in our stories. The main thing I am struggling with right now - after years of white knuckling this shithole marriage and making it to all 4 kids out of high school - I am struggling with surrendering so many years of my life. What I seemed so certain was the best course of action years ago- now I doubt. Just don’t waste years of your life if you see your situation as irreconcilable. In my marriage - we used to have fights and animosity which for me would have been easier to leave during. Now, just endless days of literally nothing. No fights, no communication, no eye contact even. Just endless days of nothing. Prepare yourself. We are heading into the endless days of nothing. He keeps asking when my older kids (not his) are moving out. So it can be just us 3. I am not sure how he thinks that is going to go. My kids keep me from just loosing it, because I know they need me. He talks about when all the kids are grown, like after our almost 10 year old daughter is gone too. I have told him in the past when he talks like this don't make plans for me. If things don't get better, after my youngest is grown. I will be out of here and alone. I can't see doing this a 3rd time. Honestly I am about giving up on all men. I have very poor choosing skills which is obvious to me now at almost 48. |
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Post by jim44444 on May 30, 2023 20:03:08 GMT -5
The main thing I am struggling with right now - after years of white knuckling this shithole marriage and making it to all 4 kids out of high school - I am struggling with surrendering so many years of my life. and eliz75 then is no surrendering of the past years. They are gone. You can only surrender your future. You cannot recover what has been squandered by your spouses. But you can claim what is rightfully yours in the years to come. If the current status quo continues can you be happy? If you leave there is no guarantee of a fairy tale ending but there is a chance. Is that chance greater than the chance if you stay? |
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Post by mirrororchid on May 31, 2023 5:08:33 GMT -5
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