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Post by novembercomingfire on Dec 1, 2016 20:07:40 GMT -5
Good question, beachguy. I really don't know. I guess it makes sense in my head, but not in real life. It is the same thing, essentially. But again, everyone would be much more understanding if you left because he came out versus because he wouldn't have sex. How many people truly understand a SM unless they've had one? They would probably just think I was super into it or something or unreasonable! I had to force myself to read the whole thread before replying because my thinking went exactly the same place as beachguy. He's gay: it's not your fault, nothing can be done, and you can be at peace with leaving - even if you never share the 'why' with anyone. I.e., it doesn't change any of the facts, just your willingness to accept them. He's not gay: the facts are no different. He's not sexually interested in women; specifically, his wife. Whether he does or doesn't want sex with anyone else is irrelevant. On the basis of your efforts and the vast experiences of this group, those facts aren't changing. The only missing piece is choosing to be at peace with the decision. After 25 years, I can tell you that leaving only gets harder. So does staying. 20 years from now, will this episode be a distant memory, or will you still be coping? Or not coping. I can assure you that anhedonia is not where you want to end up. Please save yourself. |
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Post by beachguy on Dec 1, 2016 20:10:16 GMT -5
A question, Joy: Why is it so difficult to envision him as gay, yet you are totally aware that he has no interest whatsoever in being intimate with you? Or apparently any of his exes  You are going to respond with some variant of "it must be me... I'm a bitch, I'm too tall, too short, too thin, too this, or not enough that... But in fact he married you, knowing full well he had lost all interest in having sex with you long before the marriage. The day of the engagement, in fact. He had all the time in the world to bail. And if he's not gay, and you're just not enough of something or too something else, he would have found someone worthy of fucking. At times like this, I always like to bring in Occam's Razor... Occam says the reason he married you is that you were the first serious GF he ever had that tolerated his sexlessness. You loved him that much. But now it's time to consider your Mulligan. ETA: I should have phrased my question differently... why is it more difficult to envision him as gay than, for example, asexual? |
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 1, 2016 20:21:33 GMT -5
Or not coping. I can assure you that anhedonia is not where you want to end up. Please save yourself. Ya. "Coping" is relative. There are weeks when it's very tolerable, and others when the void of intimacy is soul-crushing. |
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 1, 2016 20:34:24 GMT -5
greatcoastal - I guess it tells me that I just need a break. I don't want to think about the issue, I don't want to talk about the issue, or worst of all, act like everything is okay. It might also give me some clarity. I think question 2 is a combination of both. I think I do build him up in my head and then when he acts distant on the phone or seems blah when I come home, I feel sad. For the third point, he does do a lot for me, just not sexually. He will really do pretty much anything you ask, but again, I don't want a friendship relationship at less than 30 years old. Awww thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate it so much! I'm working on that. |
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 1, 2016 20:36:10 GMT -5
The most useful thing I ever learned on here was that you have to stop listening to what your partner says and start looking at what they actually do. That will tell you everything about what they really want. In your case, your husband is saying that he wants to have a sex life again, it just feels too awkward. If that is true, you should be able to turn this around in a month. Just start initiating again, be prepared to be rejected a lot, and within 4 weeks you will know whether or not you have a relationship you actually want to be in. If you can't turn it around in 4 weeks, then it is not going to happen and you really need to move on before the two of you get any older and DEFINITELY before you have any kids. So make sure your birth control is up to date If you have any doubts at all about whether you should stay in a SM, read as much as you can on here. It doesn't get any better, and after another 5 years or 10 years or 20 years you won't know who you are anymore. It isn't worth it. Yeah, that is so true! The talking is just words at this point, and he knows that it's meaningless to me. I agree that if that's what he wanted, it should be easy. I guess I'll give it a shot. It will be interesting because my feelings are all over the place. Definitely no kids!!!!! So should I stay or should I try for 4 weeks? It doesn't seem like there's much hope... |
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 1, 2016 20:39:35 GMT -5
It has something to do with it. I would never want to make him look bad, nor would I want to look like I just gave in and didn't even try. Because I'm sure no one thinks we have any issues. That, and the baggage that comes along with being a divorced person. If I were you, when you do finally talk divorce with him, I would propose a non-negotiable deal: We can either maintain a "we drifted apart" approach to family and friends, and keep this between the two of us or... If you insist on blaming me for the divorce I'm free to discuss our sexlessness with any and all. He will, eventually, break Plan A. Probably sooner than later. But then you are free to discuss, guilt free, all the sordid details of his sexlessness. You may think it's embarrassing to talk about your sex life and his failures. If he is inwardly gay, it may be far more embarrassing for him to ever admit that. That's why you just read a story here about a guy that stayed in the closet for over 20 years until apparently the pressures on keeping his secret were too great. I'm sure some guys keep that dark secret all their lives. Some people are comfortable coming out gay. Some aren't. I hope you don't sacrifice your life solely to keep his secrets. You weren't put here on Earth to do that. You're an intelligent and vivacious woman. You deserve so much more than that. Yeah, he might, but I can't see it. I'm sure he would barely want to talk about it, let alone get into the details with anyone. He's not really close to hardly anyone. I really don't know what his issue is. I think he has focus issues though and gets bored VERY easily. So he might just be entirely over it. Thank you for the kind words - I definitely can't live this way. I told him the other night, one way or another, this is changing! |
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Post by unmatched on Dec 1, 2016 20:41:32 GMT -5
The most useful thing I ever learned on here was that you have to stop listening to what your partner says and start looking at what they actually do. That will tell you everything about what they really want. In your case, your husband is saying that he wants to have a sex life again, it just feels too awkward. If that is true, you should be able to turn this around in a month. Just start initiating again, be prepared to be rejected a lot, and within 4 weeks you will know whether or not you have a relationship you actually want to be in. If you can't turn it around in 4 weeks, then it is not going to happen and you really need to move on before the two of you get any older and DEFINITELY before you have any kids. So make sure your birth control is up to date If you have any doubts at all about whether you should stay in a SM, read as much as you can on here. It doesn't get any better, and after another 5 years or 10 years or 20 years you won't know who you are anymore. It isn't worth it. Yeah, that is so true! The talking is just words at this point, and he knows that it's meaningless to me. I agree that if that's what he wanted, it should be easy. I guess I'll give it a shot. It will be interesting because my feelings are all over the place. Definitely no kids!!!!! So should I stay or should I try for 4 weeks? It doesn't seem like there's much hope... Honestly I would be lying if I said I thought there was much hope. But you are still having doubts, and maybe some of those doubts are because you know you have also given up and backed off to some extent. So go full on and initiate as much as you can and see what happens. If you get rejected over and over then you will feel like shit but at least all your feelings will be on the same page! (OK, maybe make it 2 weeks ) |
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 1, 2016 20:42:46 GMT -5
Good question, beachguy. I really don't know. I guess it makes sense in my head, but not in real life. It is the same thing, essentially. But again, everyone would be much more understanding if you left because he came out versus because he wouldn't have sex. How many people truly understand a SM unless they've had one? They would probably just think I was super into it or something or unreasonable! I had to force myself to read the whole thread before replying because my thinking went exactly the same place as beachguy . He's gay: it's not your fault, nothing can be done, and you can be at peace with leaving - even if you never share the 'why' with anyone. I.e., it doesn't change any of the facts, just your willingness to accept them. He's not gay: the facts are no different. He's not sexually interested in women; specifically, his wife. Whether he does or doesn't want sex with anyone else is irrelevant. On the basis of your efforts and the vast experiences of this group, those facts aren't changing. The only missing piece is choosing to be at peace with the decision. After 25 years, I can tell you that leaving only gets harder. So does staying. 20 years from now, will this episode be a distant memory, or will you still be coping? Thanks for your response, DryCreek! Being at peace with the decision is the hard part. Right now, I'm going back and forth so many times. Up until recently, I think I was prepared to just deal with this forever. I can no longer do that. I've had a taste of what it's like to be desired again, and I don't want to give that up for the rest of my life. Whether he does it for me or not is up to him, but it's not looking good. I'm sure as the years go by and more commitments are made, it's not any easier. I'm not sure I would be coping well at ALL even a year down the road... |
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Post by beachguy on Dec 1, 2016 20:44:50 GMT -5
Next hypothetical...
If he came out tonight and told you he is a romantic asexual, and has absolutely no interest in sex, other than to secure a partner, would that change your decision?
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 1, 2016 20:45:27 GMT -5
Yeah, that is so true! The talking is just words at this point, and he knows that it's meaningless to me. I agree that if that's what he wanted, it should be easy. I guess I'll give it a shot. It will be interesting because my feelings are all over the place. Definitely no kids!!!!! So should I stay or should I try for 4 weeks? It doesn't seem like there's much hope... Honestly I would be lying if I said I thought there was much hope. But you are still having doubts, and maybe some of those doubts are because you know you have also given up and backed off to some extent. So go full on and initiate as much as you can and see what happens. If you get rejected over and over then you will feel like shit but at least all your feelings will be on the same page! (OK, maybe make it 2 weeks ) Lol, will do! How do I know if it's legitimate or he's just going along with it? Will I have to be the initiator forever? I can't even remember what that's like.. |
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 1, 2016 20:46:50 GMT -5
Next hypothetical... If he came out tonight and told you he is a romantic asexual, and has absolutely no interest in sex, other than to secure a partner, would that change your decision? Yep! Again, an easy out. I would say that that isn't what I signed up for and non-angrily peace out. |
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 1, 2016 20:47:11 GMT -5
Next hypothetical... If he came out tonight and told you he is a romantic asexual, and has absolutely no interest in sex, other than to secure a partner, would that change your decision? Yep! Again, an easy out. I would say that that isn't what I signed up for and non-angrily peace out. I honestly feel more mad that there ISN'T a true explanation... |
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 1, 2016 20:48:46 GMT -5
Or not coping. I can assure you that anhedonia is not where you want to end up. Please save yourself. Ya. "Coping" is relative. There are weeks when it's very tolerable, and others when the void of intimacy is soul-crushing. I completely agree. Some weeks I can go and not even think about it, and others I just want to scream.. |
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 1, 2016 20:49:48 GMT -5
I had to force myself to read the whole thread before replying because my thinking went exactly the same place as beachguy . He's gay: it's not your fault, nothing can be done, and you can be at peace with leaving - even if you never share the 'why' with anyone. I.e., it doesn't change any of the facts, just your willingness to accept them. He's not gay: the facts are no different. He's not sexually interested in women; specifically, his wife. Whether he does or doesn't want sex with anyone else is irrelevant. On the basis of your efforts and the vast experiences of this group, those facts aren't changing. The only missing piece is choosing to be at peace with the decision. After 25 years, I can tell you that leaving only gets harder. So does staying. 20 years from now, will this episode be a distant memory, or will you still be coping? Or not coping. I can assure you that anhedonia is not where you want to end up. Please save yourself. I'm not sure what that means fully, but the definition doesn't sound good.  I'm already starting to not care as much about sexual things, which was NEVER me before.. |
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 1, 2016 20:52:23 GMT -5
A question, Joy: Why is it so difficult to envision him as gay, yet you are totally aware that he has no interest whatsoever in being intimate with you? Or apparently any of his exes You are going to respond with some variant of "it must be me... I'm a bitch, I'm too tall, too short, too thin, too this, or not enough that... But in fact he married you, knowing full well he had lost all interest in having sex with you long before the marriage. The day of the engagement, in fact. He had all the time in the world to bail. And if he's not gay, and you're just not enough of something or too something else, he would have found someone worthy of fucking. At times like this, I always like to bring in Occam's Razor... Occam says the reason he married you is that you were the first serious GF he ever had that tolerated his sexlessness. You loved him that much. But now it's time to consider your Mulligan. ETA: I should have phrased my question differently... why is it more difficult to envision him as gay than, for example, asexual? Yeah, you're right about that. I still take blame for it and I still feel like it's something about me, personality-wise, that he's turned off by. He does say he can tell that we both have walls around the issue and we need to "heal." I didn't tolerate any sexlessness in the beginning because it definitely wasn't sexless. We got engaged when it wasn't, so how could it be that he only married me because I tolerated it? I didn't back then because it wasn't an issue! It's more unbelievable that he would be gay. I could see the asexual thing. Either option would be fine for ending things! |
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I'm already starting to not care as much about sexual things, which was NEVER me before..