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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 21, 2016 14:48:24 GMT -5
So my wife told me this past weekend, during another one of her periodic meltdowns that, "I don't want to spend Thanksgiving with your family, because i worry you're going to compare our relationship to that of your brothers and their girlfriends. In fact, I feel like you do that a lot. Comparing our marriage to that of other friends of yours who are also married."
Well, yes. Yes I do.
One of my best friends and his wife were on their honeymoon in Iceland at the same time we were (we got married the same day), and it was simultaneously fun and painful seeing the pictures he was posting of the things they were doing that were on my list but we never did. Since then even more, hanging out with them and seeing their pics and posts has been a reminder of what I had wanted in our marriage, and what a stark contrast it's been between hopes vs reality. Just more fuel for the fire, i guess.
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Post by jim44444 on Nov 21, 2016 15:25:00 GMT -5
Comparisons are meaningless but inevitable. The fact that she objects to comparisons indicates that she fully recognizes that shortcomings of your marriage. Too bad she does not want to work with you to repair the defects.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2016 15:44:26 GMT -5
I'm guilty of this, particularly my husband's brother, brother's wife and family. Big house, three kids, and everything seems to function like a well-oiled machine. He helps around the house. They're reasonably affectionate after 20 years of marriage. And she only has minor gripes about him.
Must. Be. Nice.
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Post by skguy on Nov 21, 2016 16:22:35 GMT -5
I'm guilty of this, particularly my husband's brother, brother's wife and family. Big house, three kids, and everything seems to function like a well-oiled machine. He helps around the house. They're reasonably affectionate after 20 years of marriage. And she only has minor gripes about him. Must. Be. Nice. I recently met someone nearby from what appears to be the perfect home. Big beautiful house. Money. Nice children etc. All appears well, except for the part where the lady of the house is my special friend ;-) Because behind closed doors she's not treated how a woman should be treated. Meanness. Berating. Backhanded compliments, body shaming...All those not so fun things. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 21, 2016 16:47:57 GMT -5
So my wife told me this past weekend, during another one of her periodic meltdowns that, "I don't want to spend Thanksgiving with your family, because i worry you're going to compare our relationship to that of your brothers and their girlfriends. In fact, I feel like you do that a lot. Comparing our marriage to that of other friends of yours who are also married." Well, yes. Yes I do. One of my best friends and his wife were on their honeymoon in Iceland at the same time we were (we got married the same day), and it was simultaneously fun and painful seeing the pictures he was posting of the things they were doing that were on my list but we never did. Since then even more, hanging out with them and seeing their pics and posts has been a reminder of what I had wanted in our marriage, and what a stark contrast it's been between hopes vs reality. Just more fuel for the fire, i guess. Another classic DARVO. Denial: "I" don't want. Argue or Avoid: Your going to compare. Reverse: You do that a lot. Victim: I will never be good enough for you, there is no pleasing you. Offender: You offend me by not cherishing all my greatness. (even though she can't name any) Respect, trust, communication, giving, serving, confidence, taking risks, all foreign to her controlling logic. All huge factors in a successful relationship. Good for you that your red flags go up. A fine time to set a boundary. What was your response? Your wife is correct, (a small degree), we are all guilty of living the "green grass syndrome". She blows it out of proportion and uses, (manipulates) it for her advantage. |
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Post by baza on Nov 21, 2016 16:50:05 GMT -5
She doesn't "want to spend Thanksgiving with your family" ------ full stop.
"Why" she doesn't want to do so is not particularly relevant.
Don't take her.
Go by yourself.
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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 21, 2016 17:07:25 GMT -5
She doesn't "want to spend Thanksgiving with your family" ------ full stop. "Why" she doesn't want to do so is not particularly relevant. Don't take her. Go by yourself. Gotta keep up appearances. And she already told them she'd be there. I'm just praying we make it there without a meltdown in the car. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2016 17:49:09 GMT -5
I'm guilty of this, particularly my husband's brother, brother's wife and family. Big house, three kids, and everything seems to function like a well-oiled machine. He helps around the house. They're reasonably affectionate after 20 years of marriage. And she only has minor gripes about him. Must. Be. Nice. I recently met someone nearby from what appears to be the perfect home. Big beautiful house. Money. Nice children etc. All appears well, except for the part where the lady of the house is my special friend ;-) Because behind closed doors she's not treated how a woman should be treated. Meanness. Berating. Backhanded compliments, body shaming...All those not so fun things. That's heartbreaking. I hope she finds a safe place with you. I know I shouldn't compare since I don't know what lies beneath. |
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Post by obobfla on Nov 21, 2016 18:22:10 GMT -5
I'm guilty of this, particularly my husband's brother, brother's wife and family. Big house, three kids, and everything seems to function like a well-oiled machine. He helps around the house. They're reasonably affectionate after 20 years of marriage. And she only has minor gripes about him. Must. Be. Nice. I recently met someone nearby from what appears to be the perfect home. Big beautiful house. Money. Nice children etc. All appears well, except for the part where the lady of the house is my special friend ;-) Because behind closed doors she's not treated how a woman should be treated. Meanness. Berating. Backhanded compliments, body shaming...All those not so fun things. Glad you two found each other! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 21, 2016 18:29:58 GMT -5
She doesn't "want to spend Thanksgiving with your family" ------ full stop. "Why" she doesn't want to do so is not particularly relevant. Don't take her. Go by yourself. Gotta keep up appearances. And she already told them she'd be there. I'm just praying we make it there without a meltdown in the car. Will this "charade" be another nail in the coffin for you? Another tipping point? You have every right to be yourself, engage with others, if she sits in the corner and sulks, that's her problem. Enjoy your time with your family, do lots of taking, build your legacy. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 21, 2016 18:51:53 GMT -5
Let me try to summarize it from an outside perspective. You are the life of the party. She is a total opposite. She married you because you fill that void for her. "opposites attract". You posted it before, " she is proud of you, but wants you to herself".
She is jealous of you. She reigns you in any chance she gets, she shackles you, and tries to pull you down, because she will never be half the people person you are.
Marriage is a partnership. Partners need to be free to act independent and together. You two will never have that balance. (voice of experience)
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Post by Chatter Fox on Nov 21, 2016 18:56:57 GMT -5
Comparisons are tough to resist, whether when looking at others on a personal or relationship basis. I suspect we all allow ourselves to fall into that trap often. I know I do. It's only become more common with social media too (unfortunately). It's typically an unfair comparison though. In my experience, it's like comparing your own blooper reel to another's highlight reel. I think your wife may benefit from a reminder that your siblings probably all have their own blooper reel that only they are privy to. Maybe remind her that they are likely to have their own insecurities and issues within their relationships that you're not really "in the know" with?
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Post by obobfla on Nov 21, 2016 19:00:46 GMT -5
So my wife told me this past weekend, during another one of her periodic meltdowns that, "I don't want to spend Thanksgiving with your family, because i worry you're going to compare our relationship to that of your brothers and their girlfriends. In fact, I feel like you do that a lot. Comparing our marriage to that of other friends of yours who are also married." Well, yes. Yes I do. One of my best friends and his wife were on their honeymoon in Iceland at the same time we were (we got married the same day), and it was simultaneously fun and painful seeing the pictures he was posting of the things they were doing that were on my list but we never did. Since then even more, hanging out with them and seeing their pics and posts has been a reminder of what I had wanted in our marriage, and what a stark contrast it's been between hopes vs reality. Just more fuel for the fire, i guess. If your brother lives close enough, you might want to go in separate cars. If she wants to leave early, let her. I am fortunate this year that Thanskgiving will be at my sister's house within a mile of my house. If my wife gets tired or ornery, I can drop her home and come back. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 21, 2016 19:01:36 GMT -5
Gotta keep up appearances. And she already told them she'd be there. I'm just praying we make it there without a meltdown in the car. Will this "charade" be another nail in the coffin for you? Another tipping point? You have every right to be yourself, engage with others, if she sits in the corner and sulks, that's her problem. Enjoy your time with your family, do lots of taking, build your legacy. This 2017 will be the new start. I'm pretty much completely done, now I'm getting together a clear exit plan, preparing myself and my network, and waiting for the end of her customary holiday spending orgy in which she's currently elbow deep. It's funny you mention about enjoying my time with my family- she mentioned last night feeling like I "choose them over her" and "leave her" by herself while we go do things. I honestly don't understand what that even means. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 21, 2016 19:22:50 GMT -5
Will this "charade" be another nail in the coffin for you? Another tipping point? You have every right to be yourself, engage with others, if she sits in the corner and sulks, that's her problem. Enjoy your time with your family, do lots of taking, build your legacy. This 2017 will be the new start. I'm pretty much completely done, now I'm getting together a clear exit plan, preparing myself and my network, and waiting for the end of her customary holiday spending orgy in which she's currently elbow deep. It's funny you mention about enjoying my time with my family- she mentioned last night feeling like I "choose them over her" and "leave her" by herself while we go do things. I honestly don't understand what that even means. This would not help things, but.....Can you imagine if you filled her absurd desire by being absurd? Follow her around, sit with her, constantly, complain about everything, and everyone, tell her how tired you are, sit outside away from everyone, don't speak the entire night, answer her questions with "ug-hugh", in the middle of the meal say, ' I wan't to leave lets go." Who knows how she would react, you might make her day! Don't expect any intimacy when you get home though. |
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