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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 23, 2016 10:30:42 GMT -5
Meanwhile, longtime friends who have known me for many years but who have never met my wife or don't know her well assume we must have a spectacular sex life. How do you know what they assume unless you told them that? It's things they've said in passing, based on meeting previous girlfriends and fwb's, or in the case of old roommates, firsthand observation. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 23, 2016 10:32:53 GMT -5
I'll have fun regardless, so i left the choice up to her. And she doesn't want to do Thanksgiving with get family, because then there works be uncomfortable (for her) questions she doesn't want to deal with. She's putting a lot of effort into how things between us appear outwardly. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 24, 2016 9:37:48 GMT -5
...and the conversation last night on the way up included this gem:
"So in this week's session, my therapist told me that because of how anxious I get talking about needs, she wants to try some energy transfer work with me."
"I'm not familiar with that? What is it?"
"It's basically like a near-body massage, where she pulls out all the negative energy and takes in on herself- like, based on how warm the top of your head is, that correlates to how much negative energy you're carrying. She says it exhausts her, but she wants to give it a try with me."
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Post by JonDoe on Nov 24, 2016 10:09:24 GMT -5
...and the conversation last night on the way up included this gem: "So in this week's session, my therapist told me that because of how anxious I get talking about needs, she wants to try some energy transfer work with me." "I'm not familiar with that? What is it?" "It's basically like a near-body massage, where she pulls out all the negative energy and takes in on herself- like, based on how warm the top of your head is, that correlates to how much negative energy you're carrying. She says it exhausts her, but she wants to give it a try with me." Sounds like some form of Louisiana Voodoo. You might not like what's next.... Attachments:
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 24, 2016 10:25:15 GMT -5
...and the conversation last night on the way up included this gem: "So in this week's session, my therapist told me that because of how anxious I get talking about needs, she wants to try some energy transfer work with me." "I'm not familiar with that? What is it?" "It's basically like a near-body massage, where she pulls out all the negative energy and takes in on herself- like, based on how warm the top of your head is, that correlates to how much negative energy you're carrying. She says it exhausts her, but she wants to give it a try with me." Put her hand on top of your other warm 'head" and show her how much energy you are carrying! Then again who wants to do that with someone who is going to be exhausted by just mentioning it? You'll get through this, hey, at least there's food involved! |
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Post by beachguy on Nov 24, 2016 10:41:12 GMT -5
My advice to her is to skip all that New Age crap and just learn to enjoy fucking you
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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 24, 2016 11:15:26 GMT -5
My advice to her is to skip all that New Age crap and just learn to enjoy fucking you There's a lot more than just sex i think she's avoiding with this... |
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Post by wewbwb on Nov 24, 2016 11:39:06 GMT -5
...and the conversation last night on the way up included this gem: "So in this week's session, my therapist told me that because of how anxious I get talking about needs, she wants to try some energy transfer work with me." "I'm not familiar with that? What is it?" "It's basically like a near-body massage, where she pulls out all the negative energy and takes in on herself- like, based on how warm the top of your head is, that correlates to how much negative energy you're carrying. She says it exhausts her, but she wants to give it a try with me." While it's easy to dismiss this as "new age" nonsense, I ask you to please consider another point of view (not that anyone asked) Can it hurt? We all know the placebo effect is real. If it calms her and brings her peace, is it harmful? It also sounds to me like "Chakra" energy healing. As long as she isn't falling into a money pit, is it dangerous or harmful? Just something to consider. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Nov 24, 2016 11:49:21 GMT -5
I think the thing to remember here is that if it was this simple to fix people's problems, we would all be fixed.
Placebo or not, if it helps her that's great.
But I would be very surprised if it makes the compatibility any better.
Let her try. It might be useful for her.
Xx
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 24, 2016 16:57:21 GMT -5
I think she needs energy work. I would not believe that a licensed clinical therapist is doing this in her practice. I don't think it will hurt & I don't think it will make her less intimacy averse either.
I get acupuncture, massage, did 90 minute sensory deprivation float recently, have had Reiki, got my chakras opened.
I had high libido before all that & after it too.
It's cool to do. It won't likely change her essential nature. Be supportive, don't get high expectations, & keep the worm drive moving along on your exit plan.
And - happy thanksgiving.
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Post by petrushka on Nov 25, 2016 4:52:59 GMT -5
...and the conversation last night on the way up included this gem: "So in this week's session, my therapist told me that because of how anxious I get talking about needs, she wants to try some energy transfer work with me." "I'm not familiar with that? What is it?" "It's basically like a near-body massage, where she pulls out all the negative energy and takes in on herself- like, based on how warm the top of your head is, that correlates to how much negative energy you're carrying. She says it exhausts her, but she wants to give it a try with me." That's not a therapist, that's a witch doctor. |
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Post by petrushka on Nov 25, 2016 5:16:25 GMT -5
Ok, I'm just going to do a wee thread-highjack here.
I compare relationships as I see them. I do it all the time. I am insatiably curious about humans,
about communication, about relationships, about what goes on between them, what motivates them.
So how can I not look, not compare? That does not necessarily involve judging, but, don't get
me wrong - it may very well involve judging.
So I look at my relationship, and others around me. And you know what? I am not doing too badly
compared to a lot of what I see. This society I live in has a M.O. between genders that I some
times compare to trench warfare. Men and women see each other as users, as potential abusers.
I do not like it. One. Bit. After my first wife I more or less swore that I would not get married
to another woman here, ever.
And even now, 30 years after divorce, I have if anything picked up more of that. There just doesn't
seem to be commonality of purpose between men and women here. There is a reason why we have one of
the highest rates of family violence in the OECD. (and, incidentally, they also, and in spite of
everything, seem to breed like bunnies - but by gawd not all of them).
I have this: I have commonality of purpose. I have trust both ways in the everyday world. I have
a relationship with a friend/flatmate who will jump to my side when she sees that I have difficulties.
Yes, some times I see a smirk of Schadenfreude on her face when I drop the ball, but I don't think
it's malicious. No, she does not really know how to give emotional and spiritual succour, she is broken
in that she cannot let herself slip into passion or reveal her innermost self, and she feels threatened
for no good reason - but she always tries to be there, and does her very best.
I think doing ones best is the best any of us can expect. And in the end, I take the position that I have
to decide if someone's best is enough for me to want to continue with them. If she wasn't trying, if there
was no effort, no support, no will - I would have been out of here 10 years ago.
My life is far from perfect. But looking around me, not so bad after all ....
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Post by Pinkberry on Nov 25, 2016 18:22:27 GMT -5
Comparisons are meaningless but inevitable. The fact that she objects to comparisons indicates that she fully recognizes that shortcomings of your marriage. Too bad she does not want to work with you to repair the defects. I agree that she recognizes shortcomings and does not want to work to repair the marriage. However, I think comparisons can be very useful in that it helps people maintain a level of sanity. It is when you cut yourself off from others and pretend that your SM is normal that you start to really lose your grip on reality. Keep watching others; see what is in their relationships that you like or don't like. It will help you build what you want in the future. If it is not with your current wife, so be it, but you need to know what is truly important to you in addition to sex and intimacy. I found that it helped me really look at my next relationship to decide if there were dealbreakers or not. Once I was out of my SM, I found that my resolve to walk away from a dealbreaker was stronger than it had ever been in the past. |
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 26, 2016 13:43:35 GMT -5
petrushka raises some points that had also crossed my mind... that we tend to only compare against those who seem to be doing better than us. Ironically, they may be looking at us exactly the same way. Because, of course, what we see from the outside isn't everything that's going on with them, just as it is with us. At the same time, we tend not to look at others and think "man, we're doing so much better than they are, and I'm thankful for that". I think it's human nature to want better, but it's also important to realize when you're not so bad off. (Not to suggest cagedtiger 's perspective is wrong here; it isn't.) But, yeah, anyone who doesn't live in a bubble compares themselves to others in all kinds of ways. It's human behavior and it isn't so much about envy as it is a barometer / self-check. However, to get all analytic here... comparisons are 'relative' measurements. "My situation sucks less than theirs" isn't much of a goal to aspire to, and it won't magically make you happy. It's merely a checkpoint to see if your expectations are unreasonable. 'Absolute' measurements are the bottom-line. Meaning... for you, is the situation above your threshold for "good", below your line for "bad", or in a range of "tolerable"? These are subjective (i.e., opinion) ratings, but they're your "line in the sand", and they're independent of others' situations. FWIW, DC
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Post by Deleted on Nov 26, 2016 16:21:00 GMT -5
I think the thing to remember here is that if it was this simple to fix people's problems, we would all be fixed. Placebo or not, if it helps her that's great. But I would be very surprised if it makes the compatibility any better. Let her try. It might be useful for her. Xx This. Sometimes that stuff works, sometimes not. But it would be best if she could enjoy fucking you (as beachguy put it) in addition! |
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