So I got home from work yesterday and we had a conversation that turned into a huge blowup, and then a great talk.
I confronted her more directly and didn't accept her excuses. I gave examples of all the excuses she has offered (that I could remember off the top of my head) and told her I needed to see her doing more for her issues.
She got angry and defensive. I pointed out how defensive she was getting and that I wasn't going to let go of the fact that I am being asked to do everything while I felt she wasn't doing her part.
When I say do everything, I mean that I have been told by her to be more empathetic, more compassionate, not to get angry, etc, so that she feels closer to me. If she feels closer, she says, then maybe she will want to have sex. She has asked me to change, basically.
A reasonable request, that your spouse be empathetic and compassionate. I asked her in what way she was that to me. I told her how I felt it was all give give give and I was getting exhausted. That leads to resentment.
She admitted that yes, she wasn't empathetic to me at times. I told her that she was demanding a lot of me, but wasn't demanding anything from herself. It seemed up to me to fix everything.
She said, "Once you're the husband I need you to be, then maybe I can be in a safe place to work on my issues." Well, that to me was not accepting her own part in everything. I pointed that out. I wouldn't let her talk her way out of that.
I gave multiple examples of times I tried to 'walk the line', or walk on eggshells around her, only to go weeks without affection. Her words meant nothing when there was no action.
She told me how when that happens, when I'm being nice and not pestering her, she is worried I might explode again at any moment. Pressure builds on her and so she doesn't feel any closer. Holy hell.
So I told her, she needs to do more. I could only be asked to do so much. I acknowledged the part I play, and explained how rejection leads me to these dark places of despair, but I can't be asked to be the perfect spouse to her when we don't have sex and intimacy. It just won't happen.
We've had these discussions before, more or less, but this time it was more deep and specific. Moreover, unlike other times, I wouldn't let go of telling her that she needs to do more herself.
If she truly wanted to have a sexual relationship again, she needed to work towards that. She needed to show me that she has the desire to work towards that goal.
I have asked her multiple times what kind of sex life she envisions, or what she would consider as being fully healed/recovered. She says she wants sex, but feelings of shame overwhelm her at times. She feels being watched and shame in feeling sexual. She wants those feelings gone.
We discussed CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy), more counselling, and different ways we could work on this together.
She opened up in more detail the feelings she has in certain situations. I opened up how our interactions, or lack of, make me feel on a daily basis. I reiterated my desire to have a sex life again and that I wouldn't except a marriage without sex.
I told her that for a time I will do my best to help her and us in overcoming this shame she feels. There is shame and anxiety.
I also made it clear that there needs to be progress. No ultimatum and ultimate timeline, yet, but after 6 months to a year I would want us to be at a better place.
We spoke of divorce and both our desires to work together first.
It went from very emotional to a place where we could talk rationally about this problem. We talked for about 5 hours.
Near the end we also agreed to schedule sex. I offered the idea, and she accepted.
I downloaded that podcast recommended by
JonDoe on scheduling sex and asked her if she would listen to it with me. She said yes. (We're going to listen to it tonight, after boys in bed)
I told her we could start in a way that makes her feel safe (ie. missionary, keeping her shirt on, etc) so that we could build a connection together again. I promised not to push her for things that made her feel uncomfortable.
She was actually happy for this idea, thinking that if the pressure is off to have 'wild porn sex' (which to me is normal sex; different positions, oral, 69, etc..), she would feel safer and at ease, knowing what both of our expectations would be for an encounter.
I asked her how she feels when we do have our sterile sex, and she says it feels good and she enjoys it. There is no libido or desire beforehand. But she has moments where the shame subsides and she is in the moment, as long as she still feels safe and in a bit of control, and it is very enjoyable for her.
I told her that even though it's not the ideal encounter for me, I do enjoy the sex because it makes me feel closer. And, sex is good when you make that connection with your partner.
So, that was a good breakthrough. Until we actually implement this sex schedule and it works, I will be worried that this could just be another attempt to keep me at bay. I truly don't think it is, but actions always speak louder than words.
Thanks for everyone's suggestions, comments and insight so far. I will keep you all posted.
**feeling cautiously optimistic
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