Do I hope?

beachguy Thanks for sharing your insight.

Interesting comment on commitment affecting libido. I will give that some thought. I could run that idea by her, see what she thinks. She can give honest, introspective answers. Sometimes she says she just doesn't know why her libido is gone. Not identifying a reason is a red-flag for me and makes me want to run, but we have been exploring that through a councillor. I hope their is an answer to the 'why.'

Had we been in this SM situation before marriage and kids, I would be gone. In a state of anger I told her this once. It made her feel guilty for not keeping up her end of the marriage commitment, so to speak. I don't want her feeling guilty, I want her to WANT to keep up her end.

Our courtship was too short for both our likings, but I felt lucky to have found her. Our marriage was based on wanting a family with the woman I knew at that time. The honeymoon period probably clouded rational thought, but we actually had already talked out our wants and desires for life, marriage, family, etc. I didn't expect this surprise.

The birth control failure was a camping trip, a tent, no more condoms, and a truckload of passion. Stupid, but it happened.

I don't feel she tried to trap me. The first pregnancy scared us both, and came faster than we had both discussed. Maybe she couldn't run the full marathon, so to speak. I will never know, but from our talks she says she never pictured a SM either and is sad about it. Not as sad as me though. That brings resentment.

drbamboo Thanks for your comments and insight.

Yes, body shame issues that were not there when we met. And she is not overweight, but not as fit and strong as before kids. She misses her old body.

I masturbate and she knows and has no problem with it. She actually suggested I masturbate beside her if I wanted just last week, which is on my list to try when I'm home. I am hoping it wasn't a moment of pity, but an actual step towards being open about sex again. Good suggestion. Hopefully some comfort can come back.

Snip snip is booked for Feb. She is definitely afraid of another pregnancy as both were hard on her body. And more babies. Please, no more crying babies!!

I will look up Dan Savage, thanks.

beachguy Thanks for your reply.

I don't know how feasible it is to find and interview her ex boyfriends, but that would surely give some interesting insight.

She was 31, I was 30. Both hadn't found someone we truly clicked with, until we met each other. It's hard to believe where we are now..

The panic attack happened close to the delivery date and when she started to picture actually giving birth. We hadn't been able to get a midwife, and she was anxious about the hospital setting with uncaring nurses and doctors coming and going, poking and prodding. She felt he had no control or say in the matter.

The pregnancy exams were uneventful because she had control and gave consent to the process.

She had seen two births previously. Friends of hers. She didn't feel safe enough in that environment herself.

It was a normal birth, with some tearing, and she lamented that physical trauma. She had to say goodbye to her body as everything would change. She is dealing with that still.

She has, I'm sure, been prodded by her gyno more than most women. She has endometriosis. She had abdominal surgery at 17 to remove a part of an ovary and excess uterine tissue. She was getting more regular exams for years. When she talks about it, it isn't in a timid way, but in an 'f*n sucked but got 'er done' kinda way.

@phinheasgage Thanks for that reply.

It could be a bottomless pit. I am not quite willing to accept it is, just yet. Although there is no physical progress (more sex) there is emotional progress.

I am afraid of the years that her shame therapy could take. That scares me.

I will have to set a timeline. I've mentioned that, bit she says that would put too much pressure. 'Get better, or else' has been iterated by me before. Unless I'm willing and ready to actually leave, it is unhelpful for progress to happen.

I won't wait forever, but I need to have an idea for when enough is enough. She remains hopeful in therapy, so I have to give her that chance.

greatcoastal Thanks for sharing your story.

Yes, similar emotions for sure.

I looked up DARVO. Very interesting. If you want to point out instances of it you see in my story, feel free. I might be able to see it as well or help clear up misinformation.

I truly don't know if that is what is happening. She doesn't take the role of victim, per se, or get very defensive. She admits fault and can think through her actions and reactions. This is what gives me some hope.

However, she does make excuses and does have a way of trying to control, without knowing it is controlling. Something to bring up.

baza Thanks for your thoughts.

Yes, I have been thinking about this nonstop. It is consuming. Putting it into words is a little more difficult. I am in the 'why and try' stage, as was pointed out earlier.

I read your post about that 'gap.' Very poignant. For sure, it widens. I am sharing my thoughts and insights with my wife when they come up, and we talk about it. I am trying to help her catch up to at least see where I'm at, in hopes that the gap can be closed a little. Her desire to fix the issue is increasing, bit by bit.

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm making excuses for my wife. I do trust her when she says she wants to fix the issue. He is doing what she knows to fix the issue (counselling). And yes, she needs yo fix it herself.

I remember saying to her, "fix your sh*t, then come find me." I was not happy at the time and tired of feeling like the only one trying to make things better. It was blunt and she took it to heart. Doesn't mean I can pout and mope around all day though, but it gave me freedom to worry about my mental wellbeing again.

The only way I can assume you mean to 'rock the boat' is to give ultimatums or deadlines? Not ready for ultimatums, correct. I need to prepare myself for that moment. I've been putting my effort into fixing. I will dedicate some thought to leaving.

2 years seems to be my unofficial deadline for improvement. She doesn't know this.