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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 4, 2016 9:46:35 GMT -5
cagedtiger, am I correct that this is your first counter-refusal? And that wasn't just an offer of an hour of sex, but 30 glorious days. And you turned her down cold. In the past when things were going critical she always had that reset tool in her pocket. Now she has nothing in the toolbox so she is waiting for you to tell her how she can reset you now. You are the one that wants to leave. She doesn't want that but her response is to put the relationship problems squarely on you. Nonsensical? Sure but I had 30 years of that. My advice- don't look for logic or rational thinking. Look for a lawyer and an apartment. Unless you really think you can unwind your toxic mess and turn her into a sexual affectionate creature... I don't even think it was an honest, sincere offer for 30 days of sex- I really think it was her fishing for a reaction from me, as it obviously floored me, and she didn't offer any further discussion after dropping the initial bomb. |
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Post by beachguy on Nov 4, 2016 9:51:54 GMT -5
cagedtiger, am I correct that this is your first counter-refusal? And that wasn't just an offer of an hour of sex, but 30 glorious days. And you turned her down cold. In the past when things were going critical she always had that reset tool in her pocket. Now she has nothing in the toolbox so she is waiting for you to tell her how she can reset you now. You are the one that wants to leave. She doesn't want that but her response is to put the relationship problems squarely on you. Nonsensical? Sure but I had 30 years of that. My advice- don't look for logic or rational thinking. Look for a lawyer and an apartment. Unless you really think you can unwind your toxic mess and turn her into a sexual affectionate creature... I don't even think it was an honest, sincere offer for 30 days of sex- I really think it was her fishing for a reaction from me, as it obviously floored me, and she didn't offer any further discussion after dropping the initial bomb. You know she was insincere but does she know you know ? Probably not. If you always previously reacted positively to a reset then this was a bombshell for her. If you're confused with her reaction then you have to look at it from her perspective, not yours. She lost her only weapon in her battle to sustain her very failed marriage. That is quite traumatic to say the least. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 4, 2016 11:49:30 GMT -5
cagedtiger, am I correct that this is your first counter-refusal? And that wasn't just an offer of an hour of sex, but 30 glorious days. And you turned her down cold. In the past when things were going critical she always had that reset tool in her pocket. Now she has nothing in the toolbox so she is waiting for you to tell her how she can reset you now. You are the one that wants to leave. She doesn't want that but her response is to put the relationship problems squarely on you. Nonsensical? Sure but I had 30 years of that. My advice- don't look for logic or rational thinking. Look for a lawyer and an apartment. Unless you really think you can unwind your toxic mess and turn her into a sexual affectionate creature... I don't even think it was an honest, sincere offer for 30 days of sex- I really think it was her fishing for a reaction from me, as it obviously floored me, and she didn't offer any further discussion after dropping the initial bomb. It is important to keep a victim in a state of confusion in order to control them. "The [cult] leader may randomly alternate praise and love with scorn and punishment to keep the member off-balance and confused and instill immense self-doubt. The leader may offer occasional gifts and special privileges to encourage continued submission." people.howstuffworks.com/cult4.htmSome sexless marriages may be a matter of mismatched libidos or problems with intimacy. But many of them are functioning on some very dark dynamics. They are not unlike little cults with one leader and one member. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 4, 2016 21:17:22 GMT -5
Texted her about the available times next week for our counselor to reschedule the last couple of appointments we've missed.
No reply. She's out of town for the weekend. Nothing to let me know when she took off, or if the dogs needed any extra care, or anything else.
Glad for the weekend to myself, though. Gives me time to clean the house and remove the stack of dishes next to the bed. Again.
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Post by baza on Nov 5, 2016 1:55:31 GMT -5
Brother CT.
This all reminds me of a continuous tape loop, or a movie being played over and over. Or even a movie like "Ground Hog Day" (sans the last scene).
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This particular scene - you initiate contact, she prevaricates - has been played out one way and another many times in your run of stories.
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The "stop" / "eject" button beckons, either of you 'could' push it.
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It seems like, in her own way, she wants the button pushed, but she wants you to push it.
It also reads like you don't want to push it, but are rather waiting on her to do or say something extreme enough to warrant you pressing it. In effect, to have her make the call.
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I think the resolution to this deal rests squarely in your hands.
And, that is an onerous load for you to carry.
Big responsibility.
Big choice.
Choice is a bitch, but no-one gets a pass.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Nov 5, 2016 2:45:12 GMT -5
Texted her about the available times next week for our counselor to reschedule the last couple of appointments we've missed. No reply. She's out of town for the weekend. Nothing to let me know when she took off, or if the dogs needed any extra care, or anything else. Glad for the weekend to myself, though. Gives me time to clean the house and remove the stack of dishes next to the bed. Again. So she's just disappeared? Leaving her usual trail of destruction for you to clean up. Again. Enjoy your peace 🐯 xxx |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 5, 2016 5:21:21 GMT -5
Times like these, make me ask my councilor what to do? I prefer tough love, like disciplining a child. An example, telling her firmly that you will no longer be cleaning up her mess, cooking for her, that she is an adult. Then set a time limit. At the end of the week, pick up all those plates,clothes, whatever else, and place them in a pile were she has to step over them or sit in them. If they get shoved aside, throw them away donate them, or bag them and hide them.
Do not fall victim to her words, use her same tactics, question her questions, and remind her of her actions, or lack of. Like raising a child. Odds are that you will get more detachment, and a stronger sense of what is the right thing for you to do.
I get an approval from my councilor on things like this, I don't feel as burdened, like I am going at it alone. It's all about setting boundaries for yourself. Do not be taken advantage of.
Bazz hits the nail on the head again! May I add to that? There is no shame on being the one to make the choice, to take the lead, by filling. She makes a choice each time this happens, a selfish choice. Instead she should thank you for helping her and yourself. (That part may take years) their is praise from your friends and family to see you through.
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 5, 2016 7:20:57 GMT -5
Texted her about the available times next week for our counselor to reschedule the last couple of appointments we've missed. No reply. She's out of town for the weekend. Nothing to let me know when she took off, or if the dogs needed any extra care, or anything else. Glad for the weekend to myself, though. Gives me time to clean the house and remove the stack of dishes next to the bed. Again. That is totally unacceptable and disrespectful to just leave without telling you. The partnership is gone. Honestly you are basically living like you are divorced, time to make it legal. |
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Post by unmatched on Nov 5, 2016 7:26:05 GMT -5
Texted her about the available times next week for our counselor to reschedule the last couple of appointments we've missed. No reply. She's out of town for the weekend. Nothing to let me know when she took off, or if the dogs needed any extra care, or anything else. Glad for the weekend to myself, though. Gives me time to clean the house and remove the stack of dishes next to the bed. Again. I was reading about enabling recently. If you are living with an alcoholic it is recommended to leave the pile of vomit on the stairs for them to clean up in the morning. If they are never faced with the full consequences of their choices they have no incentive to change. You might think about taking the same approach with the shit in her room. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 5, 2016 7:52:52 GMT -5
Texted her about the available times next week for our counselor to reschedule the last couple of appointments we've missed. No reply. She's out of town for the weekend. Nothing to let me know when she took off, or if the dogs needed any extra care, or anything else. Glad for the weekend to myself, though. Gives me time to clean the house and remove the stack of dishes next to the bed. Again. I was reading about enabling recently. If you are living with an alcoholic it is recommended to leave the pile of vomit on the stairs for them to clean up in the morning. If they are never faced with the full consequences of their choices they have no incentive to change. You might think about taking the same approach with the shit in her room. Did that previously (circa June-July). We just think we got rid of the last mouse a few weeks ago. And since I also (sometimes) sleep in that room, I'm not willing to sleep in that kind of squalor. |
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Post by unmatched on Nov 5, 2016 8:06:53 GMT -5
I was reading about enabling recently. If you are living with an alcoholic it is recommended to leave the pile of vomit on the stairs for them to clean up in the morning. If they are never faced with the full consequences of their choices they have no incentive to change. You might think about taking the same approach with the shit in her room. Did that previously (circa June-July). We just think we got rid of the last mouse a few weeks ago. And since I also (sometimes) sleep in that room, I'm not willing to sleep in that kind of squalor. You are in a bit of a mess, hey?  |
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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 5, 2016 8:35:05 GMT -5
Texted her about the available times next week for our counselor to reschedule the last couple of appointments we've missed. No reply. She's out of town for the weekend. Nothing to let me know when she took off, or if the dogs needed any extra care, or anything else. Glad for the weekend to myself, though. Gives me time to clean the house and remove the stack of dishes next to the bed. Again. So she's just disappeared? Leaving her usual trail of destruction for you to clean up. Again. Enjoy your peace 🐯 xxx Well as a point of clarification, I knew she was going to be gone this weekend- that's been on the calendar for a couple of months. But she could've at least said she was leaving or something. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Nov 5, 2016 9:06:13 GMT -5
So she's just disappeared? Leaving her usual trail of destruction for you to clean up. Again. Enjoy your peace 🐯 xxx Well as a point of clarification, I knew she was going to be gone this weekend- that's been on the calendar for a couple of months. But she could've at least said she was leaving or something. I know. It's a courtesy. She should have x |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 5, 2016 10:44:18 GMT -5
Brother CT. This all reminds me of a continuous tape loop, or a movie being played over and over. Or even a movie like "Ground Hog Day" (sans the last scene). - This particular scene - you initiate contact, she prevaricates - has been played out one way and another many times in your run of stories. - The "stop" / "eject" button beckons, either of you 'could' push it. - It seems like, in her own way, she wants you to push it. It also reads like you don't want to push it, but are rather waiting on her to do or say something extreme enough to warrant you pressing it. In effect, to have her make the call. - I think the resolution to this deal rests squarely in your hands. And, that is an onerous load for you to carry. Big responsibility. Big choice. Choice is a bitch, but no-one gets a pass. - It does feel a bit like you want her to "DO" something that will justify your reaction to it being to file. This is victim mentality. (I don't like it - but this is what my therapist called me out on last week or two and - - I admitted to myself later, that she was right.) I keep wanting to justify what I did, how I acted - in response to. What my actions are in response to does not, in the end, matter. They are my actions. My "hiding" of hurt feelings, real opinions, of "self" is not acceptable - - I mean, it isn't the adult way to be. I never should have. It's not that focusing on it can change it - but for me, there are lessons there I need to mine like the real gems they are. I have to - MUST - learn to be the real me, express it as kindly as possible, and disentangle if it feels toxic, but "brave on" if I can at all. It isn't living MY life otherwise. You don't have to wait for the original timeline even. Or you can. But no action of yours "ought" to be explained as being in reaction to her actions. Your move is YOUR choice. You don't have to explain, justify, ask forgiveness for - none of that. Good luck with the roommate - -who is not even a good roommate. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 6, 2016 13:10:26 GMT -5
...and I just realized she left her wedding ring on the nightstand before she left for the weekend on Friday.
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