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Post by cagedtiger on Oct 31, 2016 21:41:52 GMT -5
"Can we do something every day in November?" she asked.
"Um, I guess," I replied. "What did you have in mind?"
"Just something, ideally sexual."
I think I just sort of nodded my head. I'm still not sure exactly how to respond to that just yet- I haven't felt anything sexual towards her in a long, long time, and this past weekend (at a friend's wedding, when she was drunk) was the first time we've kissed more than a quick peck on the lips so far this calendar year.
It's all just very confusing.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 31, 2016 22:03:26 GMT -5
Power. She wants power back.
This is my own personal cynicism. I'm sorry it's so dark. Gut reaction was strong. Thought I should share.
Please disregard if this does not feel supportive or is not helpful.
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Post by baza on Oct 31, 2016 22:06:47 GMT -5
"Can we do something every day in November?" she asked.
"Um, I guess," I replied.
-
Thus, the day of reckoning gets extended out another 30 days.
Time. The refusers friend.
Time. The refused's enemy.
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Post by unmatched on Oct 31, 2016 22:10:15 GMT -5
You are obviously losing interest, but this is a good opportunity. Either to realise that you don't actually want her any more, or to try it and see if she can follow through. 30 days is a long time for someone who is averse to sex/intimacy, and whether or not she can keep it up could tell you a lot.
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Post by lwoetin on Oct 31, 2016 22:34:07 GMT -5
Maybe sex isn't the main problem in your relationship.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2016 23:15:07 GMT -5
Maybe she's making an effort. If you're horny what's it going to hurt.
If she's playing a game, she want keep it up for long, especially if you're in charge. It sounds like she wants you to lead the way. You've got nothing to loose but getting laid, which is better than the current situation.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 1, 2016 6:45:15 GMT -5
You do have something to lose. Just because you are a man doesn't mean it's just a sex act. You will be opening yourself up, being vulnerable, trusting again, making all the first moves, setting yourself up for another rejection, disappointment, having any sense of control taken from you again. Who wants that?
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 1, 2016 7:15:57 GMT -5
I think you don't have anything to lose by trying.
She may have a hidden reset agenda so the ball is in her court to make provide you with enthusiastic sex. Maybe make a list of ten things you each want to look forward to might help bring back the excitement, like sex on the stairs or go out on a date with some PDA. I think at this point your marriage is in crisis mode and you will have to both challenge yourselves to push some limits to get back that loving feeling if it's still possible. For me with my ex it was not possible I became a counter refuser.
I think it's worth a shot!
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 1, 2016 7:46:29 GMT -5
It can be confusing when something along these lines comes from out of the blue. About 5 months ago I wrote something similar about confusion when my X that I just divorced suddenly said to me "you are going to get lucky tonight". We hadn't had sex in 16 months and I wasn't pushing or angling for it. We had just finished a motorcycle ride. We have been intimate a couple times since, about the same frequency as when we were married, but yeah, when they initiate something out of nowhere it can be pretty perplexing. I just go along for the ride as I genuinely enjoy intimacy with her, but I don't try and figure out the why, I spent way, way too long doing that during the marriage.
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Post by iceman on Nov 1, 2016 7:59:13 GMT -5
I can certainly understand your confusion. I wouldn't know what to think if my wife said something like that. I find it troubling that she seems to expect you to respond after all this time when you have been rejected so many times. A lot of water has gone under the bridge for that to happen. Does she think you're a walking erection just waiting for her to give the green light with no regards for your feelings? I think my wife looks at male sexuality that way and it pisses me off.
There's the very real possibility that she's scared about where your marriage appears to be heading and is trying something in desperation to control the situation to head it off. That seems the most likely scenario to me.
I would have serious doubts that suddenly she's found her desire to have sexually fulfilling relationship. I would be very cautious about jumping in with both feet and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. However, that said, unless you're already too far out the door emotionally I would at least make the effort to see where it goes. it may be the last chance to save the marriage and if things don't work out it may give clarity to the situation to make the decision to leave. I would worry that if I didn't try and my wife and I divorced I would always be second guessing myself and wondering what would have happened if I had made the effort one last time.
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Post by beachguy on Nov 1, 2016 8:10:05 GMT -5
Not confusing at all. You have obviously severely tempered your sexual interest in her. And it has not gone unnoticed. At this point I think there are two different models to explain exactly what she is thinking, and what her motivations are... Model #1: The Cynical Model. In this model refusal is purely an issue of control. And she is aware enough to realize that once you lose interest in her sexually, she has lost all that control, and more. My own STBX never figured that out, or if she did she never did anything to try to stop it. Model #2: The Charitable Model. We'll be charitable and suggest that her refusal is not a matter of control, but simple sexual disinterest. And considering that she has never shown much interest in sex, and that is somewhat unusual here, it might lend some weight toward this model. Or maybe not, I don't claim any deep knowledge on this unknown and unknowable subject. In this model, your recent loss of interest in her has scared the shit out of her, and caused her to understand that the price of maintaining a marriage that she would like to continue is to expend more energy doing something she doesn't particularly like. She may be wondering who you are fucking since you aren't very interested in her anymore. Or what lawyer you are talking to, or other equally scary things. I'm open to other models  My advice on what to do about it: You have two viable options: 1. Embrace it fully, and go all in, and I mean all in on this. Don't worry about being exposed to vulnerability and being hurt if it doesn't work out. That is the risk you need to take if you want any chance at all in salvaging your marriage. 2. If you can't do #1, then Get.Out.Now. The worst thing you can do is rebuff her and then continue your ILIASM Shithole out of some sense of FOG. Although you've been refused countless times over the past year or two of your rather young marriage, my guess is if you refuse her, it will be traumatic and she will never try that idea again. And in that case your marriage will just spiral down into a toxic soup that nothing can survive. She would never, of course, consider your one rejection against her countless rejections. Refusers never see things so clearly... |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2016 8:17:40 GMT -5
I think you don't have anything to lose by trying. She may have a hidden reset agenda so the ball is in her court to make provide you with enthusiastic sex. Maybe make a list of ten things you each want to look forward to might help bring back the excitement, like sex on the stairs or go out on a date with some PDA. I think at this point your marriage is in crisis mode and you will have to both challenge yourselves to push some limits to get back that loving feeling if it's still possible. For me with my ex it was not possible I became a counter refuser. I think it's worth a shot! Stair sex is on my bucket list. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Nov 1, 2016 8:29:37 GMT -5
Having been through this once upon a time, i would say that if you still have any sexual interest at all and can tolerate being physical with her in particular, not much to lose. Of course my offer was rescinded within 2 days, so I wish you a better experience than mine, of course.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 1, 2016 9:25:42 GMT -5
"Just something ideally sexual" What the hell does that mean? Classic manipulation! I am already interpreting that 5 different ways!
Just: Just maybe, just possibly, just however, just in case , just if I feel like it?
something: A gesture, a symbol, a passing glance, a reference, a hint, a request, a demand, a physical advance?
ideally: Ideally for who? Who decides what's ideal? What's ideal for one may not be ideal for the other.
sexual: Cuddling, touching, kissing, stroking, undressing, intercourse, oral?
What I think you need, is to tell her how confusing her word manipulation is, (a huge weapon in the arsenal of control) and tell her what you want. Don't sugar coat it. Remember how many other woman will gladly accept, appreciate, desire, and respond with passion to your wants. Will it scare her away, probably. Does it help you? Some, it reinforces your need to move on. Will she learn from the error of her controlling, manipulative words and acts? That's her problem.
Time for less, giving and do some taking.
When is the last time you did anything fun? Was she with you?
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Post by beachguy on Nov 1, 2016 14:13:37 GMT -5
cagedtiger, your deal is unusual here in two respects. First, you haven't been married very long. I hope you've done enough reading here to understand that time alone forms a ball and chain, keeping people in bad marriages that they would never stay in without that. Second, you have no children and I'm sure you get that children are the ultimate ball and chain. Relatively speaking, you don't have a whole lot keeping you in your marriage. In the meantime I can't believe she doesn't fully understand how sexual you are. (She had no business marrying you but that is another matter) I'm sure she figured all that out and if I were her I would be afraid, very afraid. You may be confused but she knows exactly what she is doing. It's a fools errand really, but that part she may not get yet or may be unwilling to face it *and* her first mistake marrying you.
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