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Post by Deleted on Nov 2, 2016 6:40:20 GMT -5
Beachguy,
I agree that if he does not have time invested then why not leave. But I think he may still have a strong friendship with his wife, which is why he has not left. There is something that keeps him in the relationship.
Maybe his wife does not know how to treat him and he needs to teach her.
CT:
I'm not sure why you'll not engage your wife sexually. You have to try in my opinion . If not, then why waste her time and yours?
Warning: Now the other possibility is that she may want to get pregnant and keep you in the relationship. I'm not sure what type of birth control you use but this is something to think about. You do not want to have children. It will only compound your problems and then you're really stuck.
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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 2, 2016 7:53:28 GMT -5
The sex thing actually didn't come up last night- I'm pretty sure it was her fishing for information on where I am. Kinda like her asking if I wanted to go to an adoption class with her a few weeks ago, and suggesting it could be a good idea to take out a $15k loan for home renovations.
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 2, 2016 7:57:06 GMT -5
The sex thing actually didn't come up last night- I'm pretty sure it was her fishing for information on where I am. Kinda like her asking if I wanted to go to an adoption class with her a few weeks ago, and suggesting it could be a good idea to take out a $15k loan for home renovations. Oh wow!! She's trying to hang on. I would not commit to anything until you figure out what you want for yourself. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 2, 2016 8:05:42 GMT -5
CT: I'm not sure why you'll not engage your wife sexually. You have to try in my opinion . If not, then why waste her time and yours? A lot of resentment that way lies. We've only started to even bring it up in our couples counseling, and we haven't even gotten to talking about the long term chronic lack of sex and the "why" behind it. And in my individual therapy, we've only started delving into that as well. I did try when I kissed her the other night after the wedding we were at, but then started feeling resentful that it was the first "real" kiss we'd shared this calendar year, and that the only time I felt her being receptive to bring physically affectionate with me (more than holding hands or hugging) was when she was four or five glasses of wine in. And all that killed it for me. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 2, 2016 8:12:57 GMT -5
The sex thing actually didn't come up last night- I'm pretty sure it was her fishing for information on where I am. Kinda like her asking if I wanted to go to an adoption class with her a few weeks ago, and suggesting it could be a good idea to take out a $15k loan for home renovations. Oh wow!! She's trying to hang on. I would not commit to anything until you figure out what you want for yourself. Absolutely. We only bought the new car the other weekend because my old one was literally falling apart, and the loan and title are completely in my name. |
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 2, 2016 8:16:26 GMT -5
Oh wow!! She's trying to hang on. I would not commit to anything until you figure out what you want for yourself. Absolutely. We only bought the new car the other weekend because my old one was literally falling apart, and the loan and title are completely in my name. Smart!! Things have a way of coming to a head so have a time table in the back of your head and stay true to yourself! |
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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 2, 2016 8:27:29 GMT -5
Absolutely. We only bought the new car the other weekend because my old one was literally falling apart, and the loan and title are completely in my name. Smart!! Things have a way of coming to a head so have a time table in the back of your head and stay true to yourself! She's going to be in a wedding on New Year's Day for a mutual friend; it wouldn't surprise me if that's our last public appearance together (at least for a while), if things keep going like this. She also admitted last night that she worries that even if I do decide to stay, that things about me that she finds hard to deal with won't change. So there's that now too. |
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Post by beachguy on Nov 2, 2016 8:33:35 GMT -5
She also admitted last night that she worries that even if I do decide to stay, that things about me that she finds hard to feel with won't change. So there's that now too. So she's made it clear there is little or no sex and affection in your future? |
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 2, 2016 8:37:22 GMT -5
Smart!! Things have a way of coming to a head so have a time table in the back of your head and stay true to yourself! She's going to be in a wedding on New Year's Day for a mutual friend; it wouldn't surprise me if that's our last public appearance together (at least for a while), if things keep going like this. She also admitted last night that she worries that even if I do decide to stay, that things about me that she finds hard to feel with won't change. So there's that now too. The wedding sounds like a reasonable point to draw the line in the sand. I did that too with a family vacation that we went on with ten other families. It was our last hurrah! After we got back I spoke with an attorney to see if it was possible for me to divorce and be financially stable. As far as her worries that is her being honest which is a good thing but the bottom line is you have to take responsibility for your happiness and she does for herself too. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 2, 2016 8:41:15 GMT -5
She also admitted last night that she worries that even if I do decide to stay, that things about me that she finds hard to feel with won't change. So there's that now too. So she's made it clear there is little or no sex and affection in your future? That should have said "deal with." I'm very outgoing, and in group settings, when I get the sense that my partner is holding their own, I won't hover but will instead continue working the room. She's told me previously that she doesn't like me hanging on her making sure she's having a good time, so I didn't at the wedding. But she told me yesterday that she felt like I'd just walked away from her. |
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Post by beachguy on Nov 2, 2016 8:44:27 GMT -5
So she's made it clear there is little or no sex and affection in your future? That should have said "deal with." I'm very outgoing, and in group settings, when I get the sense that my partner is holding their own, I won't hover but will instead continue working the room. She's told me previously that she doesn't like me hanging on her making sure she's having a good time, so I didn't at the wedding. But she told me yesterday that she felt like I'd just walked away from her. She doesn't seem to have a clear sense of what she wants |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 2, 2016 9:38:09 GMT -5
So she's made it clear there is little or no sex and affection in your future? That should have said "deal with." I'm very outgoing, and in group settings, when I get the sense that my partner is holding their own, I won't hover but will instead continue working the room. She's told me previously that she doesn't like me hanging on her making sure she's having a good time, so I didn't at the wedding. But she told me yesterday that she felt like I'd just walked away from her. A fine example of a manipulative controller. You should be able to talk to every woman in the room, while she smiles at you from across the room, knowing that you will be in the same bed that night, and she will have you all to herself. ( I feel confident that's what you want and agree with) Instead you get home, she goes straight to bed, maybe a separate room, and says two words to you, " good night", and is fast to sleep. Leaving you to wonder, " does she even know I exist? Did she not see that I need conversation, that I can get along with people? That other woman speak to me? I did as she asks, I am not a mind reader, how do you please someone like that? Another lose, lose situation. meanwhile, just more re-enforcement of her denying, avoiding, reversing, and playing the victim. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 2, 2016 9:59:01 GMT -5
cagedtiger - where are you now in the original 3-months of counseling timeline? Does this align with the new year's wedding? (or - the wedding stretches it "a little"?) If you start giving ground on the original "I will try 3 months" you really need to hold yourself accountable for it. Stretching it SOME is not a problem and could be very reasonable. Not acknowledging that would be a self-betrayal though. Do not get her pregnant! I support a half-cynical, half-charitable view. It's a mix, I believe - - that most refusers who do play games do not have the self-knowledge to even know they are doing it (it's instinctual in my opinion). You will never be able to please a person who does not know what they actually want (hover vs. abandon - no matter WHAT approach you take, she will be coming up with some new negative word to categorize your poor treatment of her as the reason she "can't" be physically intimate with you) I hope you will review some of your own promises to yourself in your previous posts and check the timeline on those. If you extend it, do it consciously - maybe even explain to her: earlier this year, I told myself we'd give it to the end of October - I am willing to hang with you through the wedding because I see you trying so hard. If we can't resolve to mutual satisfaction by January, we will need to make other plans for our separate futures. That may be too harsh to share with her - - but YOU should understand it for yourself if that is how the deal is at this point. Good luck, man.
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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 2, 2016 10:14:14 GMT -5
cagedtiger - where are you now in the original 3-months of counseling timeline? Does this align with the new year's wedding? (or - the wedding stretches it "a little"?) If you start giving ground on the original "I will try 3 months" you really need to hold yourself accountable for it. Stretching it SOME is not a problem and could be very reasonable. Not acknowledging that would be a self-betrayal though. Do not get her pregnant! I support a half-cynical, half-charitable view. It's a mix, I believe - - that most refusers who do play games do not have the self-knowledge to even know they are doing it (it's instinctual in my opinion). You will never be able to please a person who does not know what they actually want (hover vs. abandon - no matter WHAT approach you take, she will be coming up with some new negative word to categorize your poor treatment of her as the reason she "can't" be physically intimate with you) I hope you will review some of your own promises to yourself in your previous posts and check the timeline on those. If you extend it, do it consciously - maybe even explain to her: earlier this year, I told myself we'd give it to the end of October - I am willing to hang with you through the wedding because I see you trying so hard. If we can't resolve to mutual satisfaction by January, we will need to make other plans for our separate futures. That may be too harsh to share with her - - but YOU should understand it for yourself if that is how the deal is at this point. Good luck, man. Taking into account missed weeks for counseling, the three months does actually coincide with the beginning of the year. I'm OK with giving things another 4-6 weeks of wiggle room based on if anything major happens in couples counseling, but that's funny to be contingent on what happens in the next few weeks. She also told me last night that she feels like she's been putting herself fully out there emotionally, and that I haven't been reciprocating, and that she can feel herself starting to shut down again as a result of that. Speaking to the "changing things" part, she also said she simultaneously feels the need to demonstrate to me that these changes are going to be permanent- and resents me for feeling like she has to do that. |
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 2, 2016 10:41:54 GMT -5
cagedtiger - where are you now in the original 3-months of counseling timeline? Does this align with the new year's wedding? (or - the wedding stretches it "a little"?) If you start giving ground on the original "I will try 3 months" you really need to hold yourself accountable for it. Stretching it SOME is not a problem and could be very reasonable. Not acknowledging that would be a self-betrayal though. Do not get her pregnant! I support a half-cynical, half-charitable view. It's a mix, I believe - - that most refusers who do play games do not have the self-knowledge to even know they are doing it (it's instinctual in my opinion). You will never be able to please a person who does not know what they actually want (hover vs. abandon - no matter WHAT approach you take, she will be coming up with some new negative word to categorize your poor treatment of her as the reason she "can't" be physically intimate with you) I hope you will review some of your own promises to yourself in your previous posts and check the timeline on those. If you extend it, do it consciously - maybe even explain to her: earlier this year, I told myself we'd give it to the end of October - I am willing to hang with you through the wedding because I see you trying so hard. If we can't resolve to mutual satisfaction by January, we will need to make other plans for our separate futures. That may be too harsh to share with her - - but YOU should understand it for yourself if that is how the deal is at this point. Good luck, man. Taking into account missed weeks for counseling, the three months does actually coincide with the beginning of the year. I'm OK with giving things another 4-6 weeks of wiggle room based on if anything major happens in couples counseling, but that's funny to be contingent on what happens in the next few weeks. She also told me last night that she feels like she's been putting herself fully out there emotionally, and that I haven't been reciprocating, and that she can feel herself starting to shut down again as a result of that. Speaking to the "changing things" part, she also said she simultaneously feels the need to demonstrate to me that these changes are going to be permanent- and resents me for feeling like she has to do that. Wow!! She resents that her husband wants her to be loving, intimate, fun, affectionate. Sounds like basic incompatibility to me. Nothing against her but she's probably not capable of a deeper level of intimacy and connection. Sometimes if you really love someone you have to let them go. |
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