Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2016 0:12:32 GMT -5
Now that I'm getting my sexual needs met, not as much as I like but twice a week. There are other issues that I've begun to notice in my spouse. Maybe because I'm not as horny and my mind is more clear.
I find myself thinking that maybe the only thing I really enjoy about my wife is having sex with her. I love her body and the way she looks, but her attitude can be shitty at times. She was not always in bad moods. At one time, I loved her company and talking with her. But now, I'm not so sure.
This is the question I keep asking myself.
Would I marry my spouse now?
I'm finding that this is not an easy question to answer for me It needs more thought.
I was naive to think that sex was the only problem in my marriage. The sexless part was only a symptom of a much bigger problem.
When I can answer the question "Would I marry my spouse now?" with certainty(either yes or no), then I'll know the answer if I should stay or leave. If the sex stops then it's a no brainer. I'll leave.
The optimist in me hopes for the best but the realist in me prepares for the worse. As it stands now the "No" answer has more weight. This could change if my spouse decides to become the wife I desire. She knows what I want, so in the end, it's really up to her. I'm tired of being a coward in my marriage.
for the others in the group:
Would you remarry your spouse now?
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Oct 29, 2016 1:07:26 GMT -5
"Would I Marry My Spouse Now ?"
-
I reckon that if you can NOT give an almost immediate affirmative answer to this question, then your deal is headed south.
-
But hypotheticals are not my strong suit.
In your model (if I say "yes, I'd do it again") are my kids in the picture still, or are we talking a blank sheet ?
-
You see, I am a pretty happy bloke these days, and although my ILIASM deal subjected me to a heap of shit that I would sooner have not happened, If I had to go through it all - again - to get me to where I presently am - again - then I would have to say, "yes, I'd do it again".
-
My ILIASM deal was far from pleasant, but gee it taught me a lot. A lot that I would not otherwise have learned.
|
|
|
|
Post by Pinkberry on Oct 29, 2016 5:03:54 GMT -5
I'm out and have a whole different perspective where no is not nearly emphatic enough. But even when I was still in, were I to ignore the sexual refusal, I still would not have wanted him anymore. In fact, it ended up being finances that struck the final blow to my trust in him. It bled out rather quickly after that.
|
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Oct 29, 2016 7:17:22 GMT -5
No. not willing to go there again. I know she is pretty much devoid of any desire for sex or intimacy of any sort really. It would be returning to the frustration of constantly wanting to feel the closeness that should be part of any marriage but is lacking in a sexless union. I am much relaxed and satisfied with the state of my life alone than I was married. I get lonely at times and it would be great to connect with a woman that cared for me and shared some of things I enjoy and with whom I might discover and share new venues. But I know I could not be content or happy with my X, nor would she be happy with me knowing I was always one step away from trying to get her pants off.
|
|
|
|
Post by beachguy on Oct 29, 2016 7:18:05 GMT -5
No. Just No. It was the biggest mistake of my life.
|
|
|
|
Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 29, 2016 7:19:01 GMT -5
I'm a mixed result because, like Baz, I kind of believe that more good personal development came from the painful parts and that is what it took to get me to understand my life, how I want to BE in it, etc.
I do not regret proposing. I do not regret the 8 yrs together prior to marrying. I do not regret about the first 13 or so years of my 17 yr marriage. When it started turning to shite - I regret being a coward. I regret not seeing a counselor earlier - coming home and telling him the truth, my truth, and living from my spirit. I regret thinking that if I coddled him, his attitude would improve. I regret not intervening while the grown man I used to know reverted to juvenile, or baby, whiny-boy.
I don't regret loving him. Or even being hurt. I don't think it would end the same if I tried it again - but I would do it in a heartbeat. I loved many parts of that life and I miss a few of them still. But I'm out - and the first few months out this whole positive attitude I'm spewing was not the same.
So - any reply is just a "snapshot in time" and this morning - I would say I WOULD do it again but wish I had spoken up earlier, when it was salvageable - - NOT that he would have salvaged it with me....but I wouldn't have the regret of not using my voice to stand up for my own needs. It is not about HIM that I would "change the past" if I could - it's about ME, my actions, my cowardice like you said. That is NOT me. I am sad for me that I was fearful - - but what changed that is when the pain got enough and that is when I could say "fuck fear" and do something for myself. So - toss-up I guess :-)
|
|
|
|
Post by beachguy on Oct 29, 2016 8:09:34 GMT -5
No. Just No. It was the biggest mistake of my life. After reading GeekGoddess 's reply, which is diametrically opposite to mine, I want to stress that my marriage was a blatant bait n switch. I never had any good years. I didn't even have a good month following the wedding. The first time I contemplated my divorce was during my sexless honeymoon... |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Oct 29, 2016 8:10:34 GMT -5
No. He's a selfish person every way imaginable including sexually.
Hindsight is 20/20 but at the same time I don't have regrets because of my children.
In today's world if he were available (which he is lol) I would not be interested in him at all. I use what I know about him and his behavior to find red flags in other men now. I learned a lot about myself and relationships from my 23 year shithole marriage.
|
|
|
|
Post by JonDoe on Oct 29, 2016 10:04:16 GMT -5
NOOOOOOO!
|
|
|
|
Post by eternaloptimism on Oct 29, 2016 10:06:03 GMT -5
See above ha ha. Nice one Jon!
Abso freakin lutely not a hope in hell.
Wish I'd never set eyes on the arse hole.
|
|
|
|
Post by cagedtiger on Oct 29, 2016 11:22:40 GMT -5
This is a hard one, and something I've been asking myself a LOT the last few weeks especially, and the last couple of months in general. We're friends. I was cooking breakfast this morning and we chatted about her work stuff and my personal project plans for the weekend before she left to go to work. I told her about the hockey game I went to last night, and she told me about some crazy thing from a work conference she was at a few days ago. So we have that. And it's nice to have a friend to talk with about things. But I don't know what else there is any more. I've been feeling particularly down the last few days, and this morning after she left for work, I sat down to watch one of my favorite Guilty Pleasure movies again, because it's so pertinent for times like this: www.imdb.com/title/tt0218864/There's a great exchange near the end between a guy who's about to get married, and the main character, who's been pressured by his long-term girlfriend about whether or not they'll be getting married: "The worst thing you can do is lose the right girl from a fear of commitment." "Actually, the worst thing you can do is marry the wrong girl from a fear of loneliness." More and more, I'm questioning if I'm the second guy, who fell into that trap. Several of my closest friends have started playing around with the word "mistake" as it relates to my marriage, and I know it's not by accident. There's just a lot of other lingering self-doubt and a good bit of guilt to unpack with that as well, and it's something I'm only starting to really be aware of and work through. If I were starting fresh though, I can honestly say that no, I wouldn't have married her. I would've called it off a long time ago, or more likely I would've chosen the other girl at one of the three forks in the road I was presented with very early on in our relationship. We might still be good friends, but even if we weren't, I believe more and more now that it wouldn't have taken away that much from either of our lives as they are now. |
|
|
|
Post by beachguy on Oct 29, 2016 12:00:40 GMT -5
This is a hard one, and something I've been asking myself a LOT the last few weeks especially, and the last couple of months in general. We're friends. I was cooking breakfast this morning and we chatted about her work stuff and my personal project plans for the weekend before she left to go to work. I told her about the hockey game I went to last night, and she told me about some crazy thing from a work conference she was at a few days ago. So we have that. And it's nice to have a friend to talk with about things. But I don't know what else there is any more. I've been feeling particularly down the last few days, and this morning after she left for work, I sat down to watch one of my favorite Guilty Pleasure movies again, because it's so pertinent for times like this: www.imdb.com/title/tt0218864/There's a great exchange near the end between a guy who's about to get married, and the main character, who's been pressured by his long-term girlfriend about whether or not they'll be getting married: "The worst thing you can do is lose the right girl from a fear of commitment." "Actually, the worst thing you can do is marry the wrong girl from a fear of loneliness." More and more, I'm questioning if I'm the second guy, who fell into that trap. Several of my closest friends have started playing around with the word "mistake" as it relates to my marriage, and I know it's not by accident. There's just a lot of other lingering self-doubt and a good bit of guilt to unpack with that as well, and it's something I'm only starting to really be aware of and work through. If I were starting fresh though, I can honestly say that no, I wouldn't have married her. I would've called it off a long time ago, or more likely I would've chosen the other girl at one of the three forks in the road I was presented with very early on in our relationship. We might still be good friends, but even if we weren't, I believe more and more now that it wouldn't have taken away that much from either of our lives as they are now. ... You, my friend, are in desperate need of a Mulligan. |
|
|
|
Post by Caris on Oct 29, 2016 12:30:26 GMT -5
Hell no!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2016 13:04:44 GMT -5
I understand what you're saying about friendship cagetiger. I like having someone to talk with and do things together. One nice thing you have is friends that support you. I've devoted myself to my family and mostly have acquaintances now. I've also moved to different states, which does not help personal relationships grow.
Would my wife still stay friends with me if I left? I'm not sure. She might because of the financial and emotional hardships that we faced together.
This is one of those things that is weighing on me. If I leave, can I still salvage the friendship. We work good together and make a good team.
But being a good team is not the same as an intimate marriage. I've come to realize this. Now that I'm demanding an intimate marriage, I see another side of my wife. The one that does not like loosing the control. I never thought of her as controlling. But now things are being brought out and she has been forced into a decision. She is no longer in control of the relationship, hence the shitty moods lately.
Which brings up another question: "If your spouse feels forced to meet your needs, should you stay?"
I'm okay at this point about her giving me the sex. I told her I need it at least twice a week. She forced me into celibacy, so I'm not feeling too sorry right now for her. How long will it be okay with me if she feels forced to give me sex. It's not a question I can answer right now.
My thought is that my wife will begin to embrace the idea of intimacy the more she does it. I could be deceiving myself. It seems like only time will tell. The idea of waiting is what bothers me the most because of the time I've already wasted in my relationship. It's been about three years of misery. The other 20 were not so bad and there were good times. If I'm honest there were rocky times during the twenty years but the good outweighed the bad.
|
|
|
|
Post by callisto on Oct 29, 2016 13:13:02 GMT -5
No. Just No. It was the biggest mistake of my life. After reading GeekGoddess 's reply, which is diametrically opposite to mine, I want to stress that my marriage was a blatant bait n switch. I never had any good years. I didn't even have a good month following the wedding. The first time I contemplated my divorce was during my sexless honeymoon... Beachguy - I didn't have sex on my honeymoon either, Infact I travelled to another city solo for five days whilst my husband got drunk and had fun with one of our male friends who was staying nearby.. I remember feeling deeply alone and miserable as I travelled around Seville.. Can't believe that was eleven years ago and I've gotten used to my 'marriage' which is a friendship as it stands. No, I would not do it again.. |
|
