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Post by wewbwb on Oct 30, 2016 8:20:59 GMT -5
If you would willingly repeat the past then I suspect that if you ever do extricate yourself from your current misery you will even more willingly repeat that past with wife V2. Just food for thought ... The past made me who I am today. The good, the bad, and the ugly.  I am comfortable with who I am. Some lessons need to learned in pain. (Especially true for me) But the assumption that I'd be willing to experience it again confuses me. I've been there, I've done that, and it changed me. I am no longer that 24 yo. So while my desire for V2 exists, it doesn't mean I simply want a photocopy. It means that I've learned the qualities and the personality that I desire. One more thing while I'm on the soap box, (oh look, I can reach the top shelf now) I do not blame the Frigidaire, for all our issues. I learned my role in my situation as well. So V2 is also getting a different and dare I say it? I do, a better man than that 24 yo was. |
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Post by thefullmoon on Oct 30, 2016 8:33:51 GMT -5
Would you remarry your spouse now? NO-O-O! |
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 30, 2016 8:34:07 GMT -5
The yes response seems to be followed with, " We have great kids, or for the children's sake". Isn't it safe to say, you would have great children, maybe even better rounded, happier children, if you could do it again with a different spouse? A different spouse great children - probably, but for me personally knowing what I know now, the with a different spouse scenario is not a hypothetical I would choose because that would be different DNA and different kids. I love the children I have been blessed with and if I had to do it again I would SM and all. I would not have been so passive and I would have maybe needed to explore outsourcing sooner. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Oct 30, 2016 8:40:17 GMT -5
Absolutely not.
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Post by thefullmoon on Oct 30, 2016 8:40:49 GMT -5
Now that I'm getting my sexual needs met, not as much as I like but twice a week. Just curious, when you say you're getting your sexual needs met do you mean that your wife is fully engaged in sex, as in she also has desire? Or, is she allowing her to use her body for your sexual pleasure but she's not so much into it? In my case for the last several years of the decline of our sex life, our sex life was the latter. She'd allow me to 'use' her but she wasn't into it much at all. I guess I should be grateful that she was willing to do that but somehow it seemed to make me feel worse. Why you should be grateful?! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 30, 2016 8:48:42 GMT -5
The yes response seems to be followed with, " We have great kids, or for the children's sake". Isn't it safe to say, you would have great children, maybe even better rounded, happier children, if you could do it again with a different spouse? A different spouse great children - probably, but for me personally knowing what I know now, the with a different spouse scenario is not a hypothetical I would choose because that would be different DNA and different kids. I love the children I have been blessed with and if I had to do it again I would SM and all. I would not have been so passive and I would have maybe needed to explore outsourcing sooner. Just trying to understand this better. When you first married your spouse, did you know their DNA? You had an idea of their morals, values and parenting skills, and desire for a family. We also thought we had an idea of their need and desire for sex? Or that we could help them with that! No problem, right? who doesn't want that? Just a side note, half my family does not have my DNA, but the love is there. The first 1/3 of my marriage, I would do again. Like you, I would not have been so passive, and would have stood up for my own needs set boundaries. Things may not have lasted as long, or improved? I would start over again with someone else. |
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 30, 2016 9:01:16 GMT -5
A different spouse great children - probably, but for me personally knowing what I know now, the with a different spouse scenario is not a hypothetical I would choose because that would be different DNA and different kids. I love the children I have been blessed with and if I had to do it again I would SM and all. I would not have been so passive and I would have maybe needed to explore outsourcing sooner. Just trying to understand this better. When you first married your spouse, did you know their DNA? You had an idea of their morals, values and parenting skills, and desire for a family. We also thought we had an idea of their need and desire for sex? Or that we could help them with that! No problem, right? who doesn't want that? Just a side note, half my family does not have my DNA, but the love is there. The first 1/3 of my marriage, I would do again. Like you, I would not have been so passive, and would have stood up for my own needs set boundaries. Things may not have lasted as long, or improved? I would start over again with someone else. My point about the DNA is related to my children. My children are made up of 50% his DNA and my only point is for me personally I would go through the 2 decades of a SM to have my same kids again. However I probably would have left the marriage sooner if I wasn't in that Pre EP fog so many years. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Oct 30, 2016 10:01:52 GMT -5
I want to say no.
I have to say no.
Before EP and learning that I am not alone, my solution was to end my life. Now I am stronger and I want to live my life.
Because of this sexless marriage, I have done, and thought of doing things that I don't believe I ever would have.
I disregard the thing about "Oh, but if I never married this person I wouldn't have these children." I love my children, but if I were married to someone else I would probably have children with that marriage too.
I think I should have just joined the Army.
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Post by beachguy on Oct 30, 2016 12:56:48 GMT -5
I want to say no. I have to say no. Before EP and learning that I am not alone, my solution was to end my life. Now I am stronger and I want to live my life. Because of this sexless marriage, I have done, and thought of doing things that I don't believe I ever would have. I disregard the thing about "Oh, but if I never married this person I wouldn't have these children." I love my children, but if I were married to someone else I would probably have children with that marriage too. I think I should have just joined the Army. I'm also in the "I would have just had other children I would have equally loved" camp. You're the first to dare express that here. I guess we view alternative possible futures differently. |
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Post by beachguy on Oct 30, 2016 13:37:10 GMT -5
For those that would go back and do everything the same "for the children", consider this: If you could go back you would have completely different children. For the same reason your 2nd child together is likely nothing like the first child you had now. Things could not be so identical that the same identical egg and sperm would unite. If that's ok, but you still like the basic DNA combination, consider that the most likely outcome is a new partner(s) in similar ILIASM shitholes. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 30, 2016 16:48:59 GMT -5
Of course I would marry her again. It is a bit of a useless question. We all did it, so why ask. If we had a way to tell the future we would always know the outcome of our choices.
I had relationships before I met my wife, so I had something to compare her to. I knew that she was the girl for me. It took me till I was 30 to find her. I used to say that it took me till I was 30 to find a girl who did not want kids. ( a little truth there, but intelligence was very important).
We cant change the past. I have often heard people say " I could have done better". Really? Well I disagree, you did what you did, and that was your best. Why try to make excuses. (Yes I told this to my college students)
What about our next spouse? Once we get single and get a new one, what will the future be? Anyone here in there second marriage? See my point?
I dont regret my decisions in life. I take responsibility for them. If only a crystal ball worked!
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Post by solodriver on Oct 30, 2016 18:24:43 GMT -5
I would've married her again, but since I learned that I wasn't the only one in a sexless marriage and that I did have options, I would have acted on those options sooner. I had been told that marriages going sexless is a normal course and that was part of the "for better or worse" part of the vow I took when I got married. Thanks to EP and all the wonderful folks here, I'm learned that I'm not alone, there are ways to deal with it and to receive and give support to each other as we deal with it.
Rhapsodee, I spent 20 years in the Air Force and got married twice. Both of them ended up sexless. Not sure you being in the military would've prevented it from happening.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 30, 2016 18:42:52 GMT -5
I would've married her again, but since I learned that I wasn't the only one in a sexless marriage and that I did have options, I would have acted on those options sooner. I had been told that marriages going sexless is a normal course and that was part of the "for better or worse" part of the vow I took when I got married. Thanks to EP and all the wonderful folks here, I'm learned that I'm not alone, there are ways to deal with it and to receive and give support to each other as we deal with it.
Rhapsodee, I spent 20 years in the Air Force and got married twice. Both of them ended up sexless. Not sure you being in the military would've prevented it from happening.
Don't get me going on vows. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 30, 2016 18:51:18 GMT -5
Immaturity was a big factor in my first marriage falling apart. Now that I'm 51 I think I've reached the upper teens as far as my emotional age. So that might have worked out better if we had met 30 years later than we did. If I could go back in time but be a little more mature, I might try that one again, yes.
I think my second wife would have been better as someone to date and maybe sleep with on occasion. So no, I wouldn't do that one again.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 30, 2016 23:51:38 GMT -5
iceman,
Yes, my wife is becoming more involved in the sex and actually it was three times this week. I can not complain. I had sex twice from May-August. She is becoming more sexual again and is wanting to be close to me again. She even bought me a little something which was a surprise. The deeper intimacy is going to take a while. I need to give it time.
My wife respects me again, which I think makes her want to have sex with me. I became the man that she fell in love with. I put firm boundaries in my relationship with her and she likes this. She feels safe in the relationship. There's no more belittling each other. If we can not say something nice, we just don't say it. She is getting a better attitude. At first she did not like being forced into a decision. I'm sure most people would not like it. But it had to be done because our relationship was just getting worse. As a man, I felt the need to make a stand. I could not walk away without trying, especially after being married 23 years.
Jon,
She was getting her needs met for several months and feeling good before my ultimatum to her. She had something to loose when I told her I would leave if my needs were not met. I realized love is conditional. There has to be negotiation in a relationship. Both people have to be happy with the arrangement. So I had to meet her needs first. I wanted to show her that I was willing to give to her and make an effort.
*I had to address my role in the SM . We are not only victims but participants. It was easy for me to overlook my own problems and focus on my wife. I knew that if I started over that I would end up back in the same place with another woman. There were issues with myself that needed to be resolved and worked on. It was difficult for me to acknowledge my role in the problem. I had let myself pull away emotionally from my wife and became distant with her. This only caused the sexual frequency to decrease. Which in turn caused me to get pissed at her and so the cycle begin.
** My hope is that my wife will continue to change and that I'll grow more. If things continue to improve, then I'll stay. If not, then I'll have to leave. Right now, we seem to be moving in a positive direction. I need to make sure to give the relationship time but only if there is improvement.
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