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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2016 19:00:56 GMT -5
Certainly an interesting question. I would not marry my spouse as she is now. But I would marry the woman I married 47 years ago or the one she was even 15 years ago. ^^^This. I know I couldn't get back with Mr. Kat, the way he is now. I moved almost 2 years ago, and we had The Talk™ almost one year ago. I was talking to my therapist about this very topic today. She said a lot of the same things you guys said. And it occurred to me - he really hasn't done anything different to change his life in these past 3 or 4 years. He moved (because the apartment complex wanted to renovate the apartment and forced him to.) But he's still doing everything pretty much the same way. And still seems sunk in his cold, dark, empty space. Meanwhile, I've done a lot of things. I moved out of town. I changed jobs (although one time, it was forced by the layoff.) I have done some fiction writing workshops. I've done activities with some Meetup groups, took yoga for a while, and have dabbled in online dating. AFAIK, all he does is genealogy-related stuff. Mr. Kat once told me that I'm restless, and I think he's right. I like some variety in my life and activities, more than he does. |
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Post by jim44444 on Nov 3, 2016 19:45:40 GMT -5
... Mr. SmartKat once told me that I'm restless, and I think he's right. I like some variety in my life and activities, more than he does. I do not believe Mr. SmartKat understands the difference between restless and being engaged with life. The most fascinating people are never narrow focused, they live life on several planes. The jack of all trades is more fun than the master of one. |
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Post by JMX on Nov 3, 2016 20:41:30 GMT -5
The yes response seems to be followed with, " We have great kids, or for the children's sake". Isn't it safe to say, you would have great children, maybe even better rounded, happier children, if you could do it again with a different spouse? That's interesting (and I have yet to read the rest of the responses) but I have to say, I hesitate to not be grateful for the children I have - not possible WITHOUT him - as they would be entirely different people. If I get to rewind my life and have "do-overs" I cannot go past my youngest's birth. My oldest is mostly like him in personality, and she is so sweet and loving and beautiful and amazing, introverted and interesting. I GET to be her mother - she has taught me so very much. We got pregnant before marriage with that one, we were happy for about two years after we had her. I loved, loved, loved our little family. My youngest? She was conceived and born in the throes of SM. I used to joke I should have named her January as it was the only time we had sex that month AND I was on birth control. I simply cannot manage my life without her sweet soul. She was meant to be mine. I won't even say "I wish she would stay little" as I do not want to tempt fate in ANY way. She is my boo. If I had a complete do-over, who knows what I would have gotten? But it would not have been them. I am blessed. Now, the day after #2 was born? Maybe I would have taken back everything since. Ha! |
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Post by JMX on Nov 3, 2016 21:03:19 GMT -5
iceman, I can understand how you feel. I would not want to have sex with someone who just laid there either. I came out and asked my wife if she enjoyed sex. She told me she liked it. We did not start having sexual problems until about three - four years ago. So my situation could be different than yours. My wife enjoys sex but I've noticed her preferences have changed now that she is older. She likes to be dominated which was something that was not in our early marriage. Maybe she's more comfortable with it now. She may be embracing a different role in our marriage. I let her become leader in our house thinking that is what she wanted. It wasn't. So now I've taken over the role of leader in the house. Maybe that's why she is embracing sex more now. Did you ask your wife how she wanted to have sex? Does she desire other men or women? I asked my wife if she was attracted to women or wanted to sleep with another man. I was asking these questions when I was not getting sex. Interesting. I wrote a series of stories about asking my husband to step up and be in a Domestic Discipline relationship (watered down). He didn't bite but now exercises some of it without acknowledging it - i.e. will tell me something he does not agree with when before he would have kept quiet. Or is taking -*some* strides in taking control of *some* of our issues although not sexual control. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2016 23:51:35 GMT -5
iceman, I can understand how you feel. I would not want to have sex with someone who just laid there either. I came out and asked my wife if she enjoyed sex. She told me she liked it. We did not start having sexual problems until about three - four years ago. So my situation could be different than yours. My wife enjoys sex but I've noticed her preferences have changed now that she is older. She likes to be dominated which was something that was not in our early marriage. Maybe she's more comfortable with it now. She may be embracing a different role in our marriage. I let her become leader in our house thinking that is what she wanted. It wasn't. So now I've taken over the role of leader in the house. Maybe that's why she is embracing sex more now. Did you ask your wife how she wanted to have sex? Does she desire other men or women? I asked my wife if she was attracted to women or wanted to sleep with another man. I was asking these questions when I was not getting sex. Interesting. I wrote a series of stories about asking my husband to step up and be in a Domestic Discipline relationship (watered down). He didn't bite but now exercises some of it without acknowledging it - i.e. will tell me something he does not agree with when before he would have kept quiet. Or is taking -*some* strides in taking control of *some* of our issues although not sexual control. Yes, it's very interesting to me and I'm not complaining. She came and got me last night at 11:15 and asked me for sex. This was after working all day and she would have never done this in the past. She is getting more adventurous which I like. She has begin to hold my hand and become more affectionate towards me. In the last two weeks. I've gotten sex three times a week and most of them I did not have to ask for. I was scared when the sex started back again that it would not last but now I'm getting comfortable and realizing that it'll continue on. In the past, I would ask where do you want go for dinner, what do you want to do, etc... Now, I just say let's go here or lets do this. Of course, she could say no and I would be okay but she likes it much better now. I would have to say that my answer is a Yes to staying right now. If the relationship continues to grow, then it will be a definite yes. My wife is also getting a much better attitude and wants to please me now. Domestic Discipline: I had to look this up but my wife seems to be fitting this mold. She's in a position of power at work and respected in the community. She has such a strong personality that I would have never thought this about my wife. But when I became more assertive in our marriage, she started to change. I did not realize it but maybe she likes this. I never spanked her before. But when I did it to her she was very turned on. I'm naturally a dominant type of person, so this could be a good way for our marriage to work and will both be happy. For my part, I take care of everything now and she only has to go to work. I think she feels loved and cared for now and can begin to explore her sexual side more. I think there is mutual submission that goes on in a good marriage. I submit by meeting her needs and at the same time she reciprocates back. You end up with both of you being happy and taking care of the other one. |
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Post by Dan on Nov 18, 2016 9:09:57 GMT -5
Would you remarry your spouse now? Hands down: no. I don't think I'd even date her. I had this realization YEARS before I let myself admit "a divorce is probably the right path for me"; this realization was a stepping stone in that direction. |
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Post by beachguy on Nov 18, 2016 10:52:07 GMT -5
I would not because I recognize her personality profile now. My next relationship will be with a very different personality
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Post by beachguy on Nov 18, 2016 11:55:23 GMT -5
Interesting. I wrote a series of stories about asking my husband to step up and be in a Domestic Discipline relationship (watered down). He didn't bite but now exercises some of it without acknowledging it - i.e. will tell me something he does not agree with when before he would have kept quiet. Or is taking -*some* strides in taking control of *some* of our issues although not sexual control. Yes, it's very interesting to me and I'm not complaining. She came and got me last night at 11:15 and asked me for sex. This was after working all day and she would have never done this in the past. She is getting more adventurous which I like. She has begin to hold my hand and become more affectionate towards me. In the last two weeks. I've gotten sex three times a week and most of them I did not have to ask for. I was scared when the sex started back again that it would not last but now I'm getting comfortable and realizing that it'll continue on. In the past, I would ask where do you want go for dinner, what do you want to do, etc... Now, I just say let's go here or lets do this. Of course, she could say no and I would be okay but she likes it much better now. I would have to say that my answer is a Yes to staying right now. If the relationship continues to grow, then it will be a definite yes. My wife is also getting a much better attitude and wants to please me now. Domestic Discipline: I had to look this up but my wife seems to be fitting this mold. She's in a position of power at work and respected in the community. She has such a strong personality that I would have never thought this about my wife. But when I became more assertive in our marriage, she started to change. I did not realize it but maybe she likes this. I never spanked her before. But when I did it to her she was very turned on. I'm naturally a dominant type of person, so this could be a good way for our marriage to work and will both be happy. For my part, I take care of everything now and she only has to go to work. I think she feels loved and cared for now and can begin to explore her sexual side more. I think there is mutual submission that goes on in a good marriage. I submit by meeting her needs and at the same time she reciprocates back. You end up with both of you being happy and taking care of the other one. Sounds like your wife decided to change roles from Dom to Sub, in all aspects of your marriage, not just the bedroom. But neglected to send you the memo when she did that. Interesting. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2016 18:20:38 GMT -5
No. Knowing what I know now I wouldn't marry anyone who demanded a monogamous marriage.
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Post by Isabellas39 on Nov 19, 2016 10:53:57 GMT -5
I would say no if I knew it would become a sm,however, I am torn because my son came from this union..Marriage has taught me a lot and it's something I will not do again.I regret losing myself, and staying out of the workplace for so long. Sometimes, I feel I revert to the depress teen version of myself where I had very little control over my life. I know it's all in my head and I can start over, but it's difficult... I do agree with Baz when he said we are writing our history each day with our choices, or non choices..It's a healthier way to view life!Each day is a chance to become the person I long to be....
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Post by nancyb on Nov 20, 2016 20:45:56 GMT -5
No way. Living in a desolate, sterile marriage has been one of the worse things I have had to endure in my life.
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Post by becca on Nov 20, 2016 21:06:46 GMT -5
I would do it all over again. First and foremost we made some pretty awesome children together. But even if they were removed from the equation, I would still choose the same path but engage the problems earlier on in our marriage. And if I ended up exactly where I am now, I would still have no regrets but that is just how I live my life. Every moment led me to this one and with all the misery, there is also much joy.
On the other hand, if I were just meeting him now, I would not be interested in a relationship with him in the least.
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