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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2016 1:24:45 GMT -5
We come here, we shout and scream, we are the victims we have the evidence, we have EP and Dearabby. We talk and make suggestions but the one thing we don't do is question our spouses or hold them accountable. No on here says "why wont you fuck me" they will give you it's not the right time or they wouldn't understand or so many reasons.............. so tonight just ask the question " why wont you fuck me" and post your response
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Post by baza on Oct 12, 2016 2:08:36 GMT -5
There will be good reasons why ILIASM refused spouses will not put the question - "why won't you fuck me" - to the refusive spouse. And they will pretty much be the same good reasons behind why the refusive spouse is not held accountable by the ILIASM refused spouse.
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"If I ask my spouse that, it will provoke a fight / silent treatment / and I'm not up for that, or any other consequences that may ensue"
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I think this sort of question - "why won't you fuck me" - is best posed when the refused spouse has their legal advice / exit strategy etc in place and is actually prepared to act.
And most ILIASM members do NOT have their legal advice / exit strategy, and are not prepared to act.
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I think that - "why won't you fuck me" - is a very provocative question.
If you are going to ask it, then you need to be in a position where you are prepared to go the whole distance. Else wise, you are just poking the bear.
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Good post Brother thecelt.
I reckon there'll be some interesting and varied responses to it.
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 12, 2016 5:05:05 GMT -5
I never asked because I knew his answer would be a lie or he would try to reset me. I wasn't interested in smoke and mirrors. I had to live my own truth which meant divorce for me.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 12, 2016 6:14:59 GMT -5
I asked many times through the earlier years. Sometimes in these words (which he found crass), sometimes in gentler phrasing. I found these documented in my old journals.
Real life gets in the way - meaning his kids, both our jobs & other issues (that were "more real" at least to him)
Usually that stress was the "reason"
Other times, no reason provided - just: I'll do better, we should work on that, we can make it different
Then reset. Start the downhill slide slower but again leading to the same spot.
So when I found EP, & reread those old journals- I realized I didn't need to ask again. Unless I want a distraction from taking action, the "why" is irrelevant. I had already wasted enough time.
So I didn't ask again. I just acted.
And I'm glad I did.
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 12, 2016 6:25:55 GMT -5
To the contrary to what the questioner ask and the earlier replies I think we do ask. I know in questions to my spouse I ask her why she no long desired any affection or intimacy with me? I pointed out that prior to our marriage and during the 1st yr. or so we had both expressed verbally and physically that affection and what I thought was love. Her response was that she "didn't know". But it wasn't me. She just no longer had any desire for sex or intimacy and that it was a well known fact that men wanted intimacy far more than women. None of her girlfriends were really keen on sex either and the group reinforced each other when it came to refusing. So the other married men were in the same boast as me but were doing better about not pestering their wives so much about it. In later conversations often following 3 or 4 months of abstinence she would state that "that's all you ever think about". But I did ask and often with the generally basic response being having sex or other forms of intimacy "was not something she ever thought about".
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Post by sminpa on Oct 12, 2016 6:53:03 GMT -5
She said "I already told you why".
I said "remind me"
She said "we can talk about it with the counselor"
Me "so you made an appointment"
Her "not yet, but I will"
Me "no you won't you fucking liar". (That one I kept to myself)
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Post by beachguy on Oct 12, 2016 8:08:49 GMT -5
She said "I already told you why". I said "remind me" She said "we can talk about it with the counselor" Me "so you made an appointment" Her "not yet, but I will" Me "no you won't you fucking liar". (That one I kept to myself) After a month or so of delays you can then suggest that you're using her unused slot to get therapy to help you step out of the marriage.... |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Oct 12, 2016 9:21:00 GMT -5
My husband is very dramatic. EVERYTHING IS A BIG EFFING DEAL. In the past, his reaction to me asking about sex or anything to do with our intimate marriage would get a reaction so extreme that I would cringe.
I learned that we could have calm conversations while we were away from the house in neutral environments. They usually resulted in a brief reset. My resentment is too cold now.
So the answer is no. I don't ask him "Why won't you f*ck me?" I will never ask him. I'm not really interested.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2016 14:57:24 GMT -5
"I have to feel emotionally close before I can have sex."
Which was whether she meant to imply so or not evidence that this marriage was terminal. If we were so distant from one another that she couldn't bear to have sex, it was time to put it out of its misery.
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Post by beachguy on Oct 12, 2016 16:25:11 GMT -5
There will be good reasons why ILIASM refused spouses will not put the question - "why won't you fuck me" - to the refusive spouse. And they will pretty much be the same good reasons behind why the refusive spouse is not held accountable by the ILIASM refused spouse. - "If I ask my spouse that, it will provoke a fight / silent treatment / and I'm not up for that, or any other consequences that may ensue" - I think this sort of question - "why won't you fuck me" - is best posed when the refused spouse has their legal advice / exit strategy etc in place and is actually prepared to act. And most ILIASM members do NOT have their legal advice / exit strategy, and are not prepared to act. - I think that - "why won't you fuck me" - is a very provocative question. If you are going to ask it, then you need to be in a position where you are prepared to go the whole distance. Else wise, you are just poking the bear. - Good post Brother thecelt. I reckon there'll be some interesting and varied responses to it. I'm going to go out now and try to enjoy myself so I'll keep this brief. I respect the hell out of anything you ( baza) say but I'm having difficulty with the concept that I need to retain a lawyer to ask my wife why she won't fuck me. I'm having trouble with this. Maybe more later after I ponder this some more while I'm out tonight trying to get laid  |
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Post by baza on Oct 12, 2016 21:16:43 GMT -5
To expand on the point.
Asking your refusive spouse a question like - "why won't you fuck me" - is a very provocative question, highly likely to result in an arguement (not that that is necessarily a bad thing) and said arguement is highly likely to spin off with your spouse saying something equally provocative in return, with it all turning in to a big fight.
A potential trigger to blow the deal up (not that that is necessarily a bad thing either).
If you are going to make a provocative statement like this, you better be fucking prepared to back it up.
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However, if you are NOT prepared to back such a statement up (by having your legal advice / exit strategy in do-able shape), then it would be most unwise to make this (or some other) provocative statement.
All you'll do is shred your cred.
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Of course, your dynamic may be such where - "why won't you fuck me" - would NOT be a provocative statement, in which case the above suggestion would be redundant. (personally, in my dynamic, it would absolutely have been a provocative statement, and would have drawn a ballistic reaction).
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Post by obobfla on Oct 12, 2016 21:33:04 GMT -5
Here are my answers
"I just want to cuddle"
"I am not in the mood"
But my favorite -
"I might get pregnant" after I had a vasectomy
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Post by JMX on Oct 12, 2016 21:42:25 GMT -5
Ha! I asked all the time. My personal fave of my own:
-Scene-
(Husband complaining about itchy eyes.)
Me: You know what will fix that?
H: No, what?
Me: Fucking your wife.
(The worst weekend of my life follows)
-End scene-
Truly, a little more aggressive and on the side of "funny" but still, arguably direct.
I probably asked 100 times why. Direct, indirect, sideways, bending over with my ass in the air. I've even texted him asking if I could sleep with other people. Granted, this was AFTER point blank asking him for an open marriage.
I don't think all of us have a problem saying what we mean. Maybe doing what we mean.
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Post by lwoetin on Oct 12, 2016 21:47:16 GMT -5
It's a weekday. I don't ask on a weekday.
There is no Business Time on Wednesday or any weekday.
Two Saturdays ago, it was she needs a break. She actually is usually on a break. She should have said she needs a longer break.
Last Saturday it was she was sick. But she is able to do everything else. She is a hard worker.
This Saturday her period will start.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2016 22:00:04 GMT -5
Ha! I asked all the time. My personal fave of my own: -Scene- (Husband complaining about itchy eyes.) Me: You know what will fix that? H: No, what? Me: Fucking your wife. (The worst weekend of my life follows) -End scene- Truly, a little more aggressive and on the side of "funny" but still, arguably direct. I probably asked 100 times why. Direct, indirect, sideways, bending over with my ass in the air. I've even texted him asking if I could sleep with other people. Granted, this was AFTER point blank asking him for an open marriage. I don't think all of us have a problem saying what we mean. Maybe doing what we mean. Because the refuser has taken control of the relationship so we feel we need their agreement to do anything. We ask them for permission to sleep with other people. We ask them for a divorce. We ask them to go to counseling. Meanwhile they do anything they want because we're afraid if we get them mad we lose all hope of maybe getting an occasional crumb of bad sex. You can sleep with other people whether they agree or not. You can get a divorce whether they agree or not. You don't need their agreement. Because you know what? You don't need them. |
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