Whos fault is it

^^^ THIS ^^^

I'm 6'2", 250lbs and in great shape, but this 5'6" woman has control of me. I'm not a "Yes Dear!" kinda guy, but I do try to avoid confrontation if/when feasibly possible, perhaps to a fault. Relationships require comprise, but only one of us usually comprises and that is me. She is extremely head-strong, and uses the crying trump card when all else fails. My youngest Son is very much head-strong like her; God help his wife! She has told me I'm like her Father, and he has told me that she is like her Mother. So I guess she is still emulating what she witnessed when she grew up.


    ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I don't bother asking. 16 yrs of indifference, silence, feeling rejected, disconnected, alone, carrying tremendous sadness, withdrawing from friends and family, lying to keep the secret and buckets of tears has brought me to the truth.
I have no desire for him physically. I have a shallow emotional connection at best.
He is a stranger.
I don't fuck strangers.
I'm not his whore.
I am the woman he is financially obligated to by law. I am the reaper of half financially.
That makes me his money whore.

I relate so much to your first paragraph, only it was 25-years for me, and although I never lied to anyone verbally, I was living a lie by putting on a show of being happily married in public.

I also withdrew from people and society, when the burden became too great at keeping the secret. I felt shame. I thought I was the only woman whose husband had rejected her this way. This was long before the Internet and social media, so I had no way of knowing there were other women suffering this too.

In all my life, I'd never heard, or known, about men rejecting women sexually. It was a feeling of total isolation and shame on my part, so you just carry it with you, and now I'm really messed up with trust issues, which is the least of the fall out effects I now have to deal with as a consequence of those 25-years.

An EP member made me aware of the concept of intimacy aversion as opposed to simple asexuality.

A sexual but intimacy averse person will fuck your brains out a few times but as the relationship develops will push back to keep intimacy more at arms length. That can manifest itself in many ways but withholding sex is the big one.

A lot of people blame porn addiction as a problem. I don't believe that is a problem. I think it's a symptom of intimacy aversion.

Before the age of the Internet and other freely available porn men used prostitutes almost exclusively (aside from just jerking off) because hookers provide sex without intimacy. I believe porn has supplemented and in many cases just replaced prostitution. Or gives an enhanced masturbation experience if you look at it that way.

A lady friend was in a long term SM (since the wedding just like me). Her H was caught with a hooker early in the marriage when it was already technically sexless. She to this day considers him asexual but I have long disagreed with her. I think the prostitution event proves he is intimacy averse, not asexual.

I mention that for two reasons. One, there is much confusion between intimacy aversion and asexuality. And two, relevant here, I think anyone seeking a new relationship should try to become aware of the early signs of intimacy aversion. And also look deep into themselves to gauge their own proclivity to intimacy aversion.

I read many stories here that SCREAM intimacy aversion. That's why I've mentioned it a few times.

I believe my stbx is intimacy averse. Otoh she once actually acknowledged she never thinks about sex. She also never exhibits any behavior whatsoever to suggest she isn't asexual. It is truly a mind fuck. She is one or the other or both?

In an ILIASM shithole - the question of "who's fault it was / is" passed into irrelevancy some time back.
Once things have degenerated in to an ILIASM shithole it doesn't matter "who's" to blame.
It simply is what it is.
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However, it is always wise to have a look at your role in the dynamic, to see what contributory role you played in the process, own those things, and work on those things so you don't repeat them next time should there be a next time for you.
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It would be smart for your spouse to do the same, but that is entirely down to them whether they do or not. Not a matter under your control at all.
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Chasing YOUR "whys" is always a good idea.
Chasing someone else's "whys" is a completely unproductive pastime.
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And, chances are (if you are anything like me) your own "whys" will be quite sufficient to keep you occupied all by themselves.

beachguy - I appreciate many of these points but I'll say it this way....  My Ex's why seemed to matter when we first went completely SM (he had a very bad prognosis for his prostate cancer - if you compare SM to "widow" then an SM seemed okay - and I didn't even know the term yet anyway, really).  By the time I found EP, I still thought that "the rest" of the relationship was OK and that lack of sex was our only issue.  After reading on EP, and learning to really see the unequal parts of our relationship (his take; my give) then I realized that his Why no longer was relevant to my happiness.  MY OWN Why do I accept it was a bit relevant.  The pressing issue became what would I do about it.
Once OUT, then my - - why did I let it develop into something SO unacceptable - this is therapy fodder.  Finding my own voice, seeking my own truth, creating my own happiness - all important.  I don't wish to recreate the pattern.  I can do this work outside the tyranny of SM much better than I could have tackled it within the SM.
HIS Why = not relevant.
My Why (and HOW) = on-going homework.