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Post by Dan on Apr 9, 2016 18:26:28 GMT -5
A comment made my another member in a post stated: All I know is that *I'm* lonely. Seems to be pretty common in the ILIASM group. I'm wondering if other ILIASM members think "loneliness is common" amongst folks in sexless marriages? I mean, I know we feel lonely/rejected "in the marriage". And that could possibly make one feel "without friends" and even "unlovable". And in my case, I feel a wee bit isolated from a social life, since my wife is a homebody and I don't feel free to be cavorting around with friends. And yet... I feel I have WAY more friends than my wife. I guess don't generally feel "lonely". I'm gregarious and outgoing. I can strike up a conversation with a stranger, that dad at the PTA meeting, that mom at the soccer field. I'm also comfortable making friends online. In fact, I somehow associate my wife's "introversion" (less interest in having friends and nurturing those friendships) with her lower libido, and my "extroversion" (sociability and gregariousness) with a normal libido. SOOOOOO..... tell me: - If you (personally) consider yourself "lonely in your marriage", do you also describe yourself as "lonely"?
- If you do feel lonely, how much of this do you think is due to your circumstance (and is likely to change if your circumstances change), or is your loneliness somehow "intrinsic"?
- Do you also think "introversion" is correlated with "low libido"?
I'm looking forward to your thoughts on this! |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2016 19:00:04 GMT -5
A comment made my another member in a post stated: All I know is that *I'm* lonely. Seems to be pretty common in the ILIASM group. I'm wondering if other ILIASM members think "loneliness is common" amongst folks in sexless marriages? I mean, I know we feel lonely/rejected "in the marriage". And that could possibly make one feel "without friends" and even "unlovable". And in my case, I feel a wee bit isolated from a social life, since my wife is a homebody and I don't feel free to be cavorting around with friends. And yet... I feel I have WAY more friends than my wife. I guess don't generally feel "lonely". I'm gregarious and outgoing. I can strike up a conversation with a stranger, that dad at the PTA meeting, that mom at the soccer field. I'm also comfortable making friends online. In fact, I somehow associate my wife's "introversion" (less interest in having friends and nurturing those friendships) with her lower libido, and my "extroversion" (sociability and gregariousness) with a normal libido. SOOOOOO..... tell me: - If you (personally) consider yourself "lonely in your marriage", do you also describe yourself as "lonely"?
- If you do feel lonely, how much of this do you think is due to your circumstance (and is likely to change if your circumstances change), or is your loneliness somehow "intrinsic"?
- Do you also think "introversion" is correlated with "low libido"?
I'm looking forward to your thoughts on this! Nymphomaniacal introvert here. One anecdata point refuting your introvert = asexual hypothesis. |
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Post by Dan on Apr 9, 2016 19:02:24 GMT -5
Nymphomaniacal introvert here. One anecdata point refuting your introvert = asexual hypothesis. LOLOL! OK... my clever theory struck down with a single counterexample! But still interested to know if you think "lonely in marriage" equates to "lonely/no friends"? |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2016 19:47:54 GMT -5
I don't know if there's necessarily a correlation there. I'm more outgoing than my now-ex, but I always test out "introvert" on the online Myers-Briggs quizzes. But, I think I'm becoming more outgoing as I go through life. Not sure it has any correlation at all with my sex life...or lack of one.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2016 20:00:42 GMT -5
Nymphomaniacal introvert here. One anecdata point refuting your introvert = asexual hypothesis. LOLOL! OK... my clever theory struck down with a single counterexample! But still interested to know if you think "lonely in marriage" equates to "lonely/no friends"? Dan, there are different kinds of loneliness. The loneliness I'm speaking of is that deep intimate connection with another human being. The one you share your life with. The one who gives you cuddles and hugs, and the one who is in your corner, and makes love with you. The one who makes you feel loved and wanted. The one you share your heart and soul with, and trust with your life. When you have a spouse, and they reject you, not only is that painful, you start to feel alienated and separated from the warmth of intimacy and love. You are talking about friends. That's a different kind of loneliness. We may or may not have deep connections with friends, but it's still not the same as having intimacy with your partner. Those who have left still miss having that intimacy. It can be soul destroying for some. How awful not to be touched or hugged. I'm actually surprised that you don't feel lonely, but perhaps you have your physical and emotional needs met in other ways. Perhaps those who outsource don't feel the deprivation of closeness and being wanted like those who don't. Maybe men handle loneliness in a different way than women. I don't know. Everyone is different, and I only know I've been lonely for decades. |
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Post by Chatter Fox on Apr 9, 2016 22:38:40 GMT -5
A comment made my another member in a post stated: All I know is that *I'm* lonely. Seems to be pretty common in the ILIASM group. I'm wondering if other ILIASM members think "loneliness is common" amongst folks in sexless marriages? I mean, I know we feel lonely/rejected "in the marriage". And that could possibly make one feel "without friends" and even "unlovable". And in my case, I feel a wee bit isolated from a social life, since my wife is a homebody and I don't feel free to be cavorting around with friends. And yet... I feel I have WAY more friends than my wife. I guess don't generally feel "lonely". I'm gregarious and outgoing. I can strike up a conversation with a stranger, that dad at the PTA meeting, that mom at the soccer field. I'm also comfortable making friends online. In fact, I somehow associate my wife's "introversion" (less interest in having friends and nurturing those friendships) with her lower libido, and my "extroversion" (sociability and gregariousness) with a normal libido. SOOOOOO..... tell me: - If you (personally) consider yourself "lonely in your marriage", do you also describe yourself as "lonely"?
- If you do feel lonely, how much of this do you think is due to your circumstance (and is likely to change if your circumstances change), or is your loneliness somehow "intrinsic"?
- Do you also think "introversion" is correlated with "low libido"?
I'm looking forward to your thoughts on this! I am often alone but rarely lonely. I love my solitude. I thrive on it. I'm a strange breed. I need my space but when I'm ready to get close, I can get VERY close. I love to get close. I just have a limited capacity for it. I am as introverted as they get but I'm also very much into intimacy and closeness. I also am very specific in how I define intimacy and how I express it. I am a very good activity partner. I form bonds through non-verbal shared activity. I love to do things with friends/loved ones that involve a sense of adventure and activity. I'm the type that loves the idea of trying something new with my partner. Such as horseback riding or zip lining or taking on a new active hobby like tennis. Those sorts of things bring me close to others and help me form bonds that start to open me up in ways that are more verbal. In terms of physical affection, I freaking thrive on it. The thought of non-verbal expression of love through physical touch is the absolute epitome of shared activity and adventure. Physical touch is simply the key to my heart. It is THE way I show my love for my partner. It is THE way I tap into my inner sense of love for my partner. Its a God damn miracle I've managed to hang onto this marriage that is devoid of simple and genuine signs of physical affection. I'm baffled by how I have allowed it to continue. My wife is by far the more extroverted between us and she is the refuser. So, in my particular circumstance, introversion is not correlated with low libido. I'm very introverted but my libido is quite healthy. |
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 10, 2016 7:26:50 GMT -5
Ive always felt that the spouse should be first. A team. When one partner cant or wont fulfill the others needs i dont think there is any other outcome then feeling lonely. A loss of something at the very core of our being. I have friends but they cannot, and should not replace my partner.
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Post by JMX on Apr 10, 2016 8:29:24 GMT -5
I do feel intimately lonely. However, I am far from lonely. I am also an extrovert and I have many friends and acquaintances. I have deep friendships with a handful of girlfriends and honestly, we never have enough time to get together as much as we would like but we sincerely love each other like family and know everything about one another (we've all been friends since we were 9).
My friends are one of the things in my life that is absolutely beautiful. I cherish them and even my friends that are not as deep - well, I just really enjoy people and always have. I find each person interesting in their own way and I love figuring them out and being a part of their lives too.
The harsh reality of my situation now is the juxtaposition of being loved by my friends but feeling unlovable by my husband at home.
So - while I have to face the fact that getting divorced most certainly means that I may be alone for the rest of my life and I have to be good with that - keeping and maintaining my friendships is very helpful in getting me through it. I cannot imagine how some of you introverted types handles this without the support system in place. I find your strength in leaving awe-inspiring.
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 10, 2016 8:49:23 GMT -5
I do feel intimately lonely. However, I am far from lonely. I am also an extrovert and I have many friends and acquaintances. I have deep friendships with a handful of girlfriends and honestly, we never have enough time to get together as much as we would like but we sincerely love each other like family and know everything about one another (we've all been friends since we were 9). My friends are one of the things in my life that is absolutely beautiful. I cherish them and even my friends that are not as deep - well, I just really enjoy people and always have. I find each person interesting in their own way and I love figuring them out and being a part of their lives too. The harsh reality of my situation now is the juxtaposition of being loved by my friends but feeling unlovable by my husband at home. So - while I have to face the fact that getting divorced most certainly means that I may be alone for the rest of my life and I have to be good with that - keeping and maintaining my friendships is very helpful in getting me through it. I cannot imagine how some of you introverted types handles this without the support system in place. I find your strength in leaving awe-inspiring. Thank you for expressing what i was trying to. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 10, 2016 12:17:02 GMT -5
I do feel intimately lonely. However, I am far from lonely. I am also an extrovert and I have many friends and acquaintances. I have deep friendships with a handful of girlfriends and honestly, we never have enough time to get together as much as we would like but we sincerely love each other like family and know everything about one another (we've all been friends since we were 9). My friends are one of the things in my life that is absolutely beautiful. I cherish them and even my friends that are not as deep - well, I just really enjoy people and always have. I find each person interesting in their own way and I love figuring them out and being a part of their lives too. The harsh reality of my situation now is the juxtaposition of being loved by my friends but feeling unlovable by my husband at home. So - while I have to face the fact that getting divorced most certainly means that I may be alone for the rest of my life and I have to be good with that - keeping and maintaining my friendships is very helpful in getting me through it. I cannot imagine how some of you introverted types handles this without the support system in place. I find your strength in leaving awe-inspiring. I envy you. You are truly blessed to have those friendships. I have two friends. We speak 2-3 times a year. We live in different states. I have not seen or been supported by my extended family for more than 30-years. I've gone through all life challenges (mainly) alone. Even bereavement had me alone with no emotional support or comfort whatsoever. All, I know is it's been a very hard life. I'm alone pretty much 24/7 for years, and even then other people were only acquaintances. Now, having reached this age, and having to emotionally support myself my whole life, I find it difficult...maybe impossible...to let my walls down. I'm friendly with others, even bubbly and lighthearted in interactions in real, but my life experiences of rejection and betrayal have made me who I am today...a compassionate and warm soul, yet strong alone, yet the child is still crying inside for love and comfort. |
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Post by JMX on Apr 10, 2016 12:27:26 GMT -5
You know Cari? That is why my heart hurts with you so very much. I wish I knew you in real life. I wish I could take you out for coffee  . I wish you could impart your wisdom on me and I wish maybe a little of my extroversion and positivity (on a good day at least!) would rub off on you. Not that you cannot be friendly and bubbly - but I know there is surely something I can do for you!!! You are so worthy of deep friendships and love. I love your heart. I just want to hug you. My experience is just different - I have had supportive family and friends so even though I sympathize that this is your reality, I just cannot empathize as I have not been in your shoes- I just want to help fix it! *this in now way was said to negate your JUST feelings of being lonely. I hear you and I respect your intelligence. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 10, 2016 14:03:18 GMT -5
Lonely and friendship, can be two opposite paths. Different times in your life change things too, sometimes from season to season.
One man in ten has a friend with whom he discusses work, money, marriage,; only one in more than twenty has a friendship where he discloses his feelings about himself.
Many men rely solely on their wives or partners for social and emotional needs.
Women generally have a broader social network to draw upon to meet their needs.
About one-third of men state that they " often feel very lonely."
About one - quarter of fathers with children state that they " often feel very lonely."
Men rely more on employers and co- workers as a source to provide personal support than with friendships out of the office.
"MOST MEN LEAD LIVES OF QUIET DESPERATION AND GO TOTHE GRAVE WITH THE SONG STILL IN THEM" Henry David Thoreau.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 10, 2016 16:50:56 GMT -5
You know Cari? That is why my heart hurts with you so very much. I wish I knew you in real life. I wish I could take you out for coffee . I wish you could impart your wisdom on me and I wish maybe a little of my extroversion and positivity (on a good day at least!) would rub off on you. Not that you cannot be friendly and bubbly - but I know there is surely something I can do for you!!! You are so worthy of deep friendships and love. I love your heart. I just want to hug you. My experience is just different - I have had supportive family and friends so even though I sympathize that this is your reality, I just cannot empathize as I have not been in your shoes- I just want to help fix it! *this in now way was said to negate your JUST feelings of being lonely. I hear you and I respect your intelligence. I know, dear. I understand that and what I appreciate is your honesty to say that you can sympathize, but not empathize. I can't empathize with having a loving and supportive family. I don't know what that is like, but I think it must be wonderful. It's something I have always wanted from when I was a child. We all walk different paths, and in different shoes, and that's okay. I prefer that people who can't understand what it's like for another to just say what you said. You are very kind, JMX, and I am happy that you have good friends and family...everyone deserves that. With Loving Kindness...{{hugs}} |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 10, 2016 19:15:07 GMT -5
I do feel intimately lonely. However, I am far from lonely. I am also an extrovert and I have many friends and acquaintances. I have deep friendships with a handful of girlfriends and honestly, we never have enough time to get together as much as we would like but we sincerely love each other like family and know everything about one another (we've all been friends since we were 9). My friends are one of the things in my life that is absolutely beautiful. I cherish them and even my friends that are not as deep - well, I just really enjoy people and always have. I find each person interesting in their own way and I love figuring them out and being a part of their lives too. The harsh reality of my situation now is the juxtaposition of being loved by my friends but feeling unlovable by my husband at home. So - while I have to face the fact that getting divorced most certainly means that I may be alone for the rest of my life and I have to be good with that - keeping and maintaining my friendships is very helpful in getting me through it. I cannot imagine how some of you introverted types handles this without the support system in place. I find your strength in leaving awe-inspiring. One of the best things about being a woman is the friends. We can be so great to each other. (Of course, we can also be really terrible to each other. But you know what I mean, ha ha!) |
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Post by pattycakey on Apr 13, 2016 8:03:03 GMT -5
Honestly? I have never felt as truly lonely as I do in this point in my life. And believe me - I have been physically ALONE a lot in my life. In fact, I enjoyed it. I travelled a lot solo, I lived alone, I moved countries alone - but somehow that was different, because during those times, I had no expectations of being in an intimate partnership. When I was younger, I didn't ever really fantasize about "the big white wedding" etc. etc. but what I DID fantasize about was having a life partner who I could really open up to, be intimate with, and yes, enjoy regular great sex with. Now that I have that "life partner" and there is zero emotional intimacy, the loneliness is crippling.
I also feel like I am living a double life...none of my friends or family know what is going on as I am too ashamed to open up and tell them about the near sexless void I am in (I am the wife, so god forbid I am the one who wants more sex than my husband!). So I have to outwardly pretend that everything is ok and it is so not which makes me feel even more isolated and...you guessed it...lonely. Ugh. Having a bad day.
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I'm wondering if other ILIASM members think "loneliness is common" amongst folks in sexless marriages?
. I wish you could impart your wisdom on me and I wish maybe a little of my extroversion and positivity (on a good day at least!) would rub off on you. Not that you cannot be friendly and bubbly - but I know there is surely something I can do for you!!! 
