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Post by Dan on Apr 13, 2016 8:08:58 GMT -5
Honestly? I have never felt as truly lonely as I do in this point in my life. And believe me - I have been physically ALONE a lot in my life. In fact, I enjoyed it. I travelled a lot solo, I lived alone, I moved countries alone - but somehow that was different, because during those times, I had no expectations of being in an intimate partnership. When I was younger, I didn't ever really fantasize about "the big white wedding" etc. etc. but what I DID fantasize about was having a life partner who I could really open up to, be intimate with, and yes, enjoy regular great sex with. Now that I have that "life partner" and there is zero emotional intimacy, the loneliness is crippling. I also feel like I am living a double life...none of my friends or family know what is going on as I am too ashamed (I am the wife, so god forbid I am the one who wants more sex than my husband!). So I have to outwardly pretend that everything is ok and it is so not. Uh. Having a bad day. I hear you. I think almost everyone else here can say: we hear you. I would recommend that you try to start to let someone in to your "double life": a trusted friend. A talk therapist. Or of course you can share your heart (or spill your guts) here to us on this forum. Ultimately you have to move toward a "more authentic life; letting you be the authentic you". But -- baby steps -- find SOMEONE to share with. That is an important first step. You will find support here if you seek it. Hugs to you! |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 13, 2016 8:24:20 GMT -5
Honestly? I have never felt as truly lonely as I do in this point in my life. And believe me - I have been physically ALONE a lot in my life. In fact, I enjoyed it. I travelled a lot solo, I lived alone, I moved countries alone - but somehow that was different, because during those times, I had no expectations of being in an intimate partnership. When I was younger, I didn't ever really fantasize about "the big white wedding" etc. etc. but what I DID fantasize about was having a life partner who I could really open up to, be intimate with, and yes, enjoy regular great sex with. Now that I have that "life partner" and there is zero emotional intimacy, the loneliness is crippling. I also feel like I am living a double life...none of my friends or family know what is going on as I am too ashamed to open up and tell them about the near sexless void I am in (I am the wife, so god forbid I am the one who wants more sex than my husband!). So I have to outwardly pretend that everything is ok and it is so not which makes me feel even more isolated and...you guessed it...lonely. Ugh. Having a bad day. This is EXACTLY how I felt for the last several years of my marriage. That "double life" thing led me to withdraw from my friends because it was just too hard to pretend that I was okay. |
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Post by Dan on Apr 13, 2016 8:31:30 GMT -5
This is EXACTLY how I felt for the last several years of my marriage. That "double life" thing led me to withdraw from my friends because it was just too hard to pretend that I was okay. I embraced the double life -- for a while. I was squarely in the "stay and cheat" camp. I spun off in to a series of side-relationships that were varying degrees of romantic, intimate, sexual, cerebral, carnal, wonderful, and -- sometimes -- ill-advised. And, well, it was great... for a while. But I was slowly able to see that it was still, in fact, a double life... and that it was draining, too. At this point, I'm tired of it. I'm not at this time in or seeking a side-relationship. I'd rather put the effort in to an exit plan. |
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mariposa43
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Age Range: 41-45
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Post by mariposa43 on Apr 13, 2016 10:24:39 GMT -5
This is EXACTLY how I felt for the last several years of my marriage. That "double life" thing led me to withdraw from my friends because it was just too hard to pretend that I was okay. I embraced the double life -- for a while. I was squarely in the "stay and cheat" camp. I spun off in to a series of side-relationships that were varying degrees of romantic, intimate, sexual, cerebral, carnal, wonderful, and -- sometimes -- ill-advised. And, well, it was great... for a while. But I was slowly able to see that it was still, in fact, a double life... and that it was draining, too. At this point, I'm tired of it. I'm not at this time in or seeking a side-relationship. I'd rather put the effort in to an exit plan. OMG the double life thing! I recently started working with a therapist online who actually was in a very similar situation to mine. It's helping but the exit plan is overwhelming. I have to say that having her and just a few other trusted people, my FWB being one of them, is helpful. I refer to them as my "dead body people", as in--if I were to show up at their doorstep with a body, they would just grab a shovel and follow me, no judgment and no questions asked. Everybody needs a few dead body people in their lives, if you ask me. :-) Normally, my mom would be one of those people, but sadly, I can't tell her. Not about this. Not yet. She has never gotten over my dad leaving her after nearly 30 years of marriage, and she will blame herself that her child of divorce is getting a divorce. It sucks beyond belief. At least I've been able to talk to my brother about much of this, though he doesn't know about my FWB. Besides my therapist, I have 1 friend (one of my dead body people) who knows about him, and she was definitely the right person to tell. Zero judgment. And you know, even if I didn't have a FWB, I still consider my life a double life if that makes any sense. I'm wearing a mask and no one knows what's going on behind closed doors. I am surrounded by people who love me and who I love, thank God, but I find it harder to engage on a close level with many of them any more because of this. I find myself thinking more and more how much I just want to live my life authentically, and the thing is that it's going to cost me a lot to do that. But I have to, for my own survival and for the good of my kids. Not being able to live authentically right now is making me feel VERY lonely. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 13, 2016 10:35:13 GMT -5
Well, I have been lonely in that I have had to really tone down my personality because of my refusing cheater. But I actually meet people and become friends very quickly, which is something I am really enjoying.
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mariposa43
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Age Range: 41-45
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Post by mariposa43 on Apr 13, 2016 11:33:17 GMT -5
Well, I have been lonely in that I have had to really tone down my personality because of my refusing cheater. But I actually meet people and become friends very quickly, which is something I am really enjoying. Flashjohn, I realized I have been toning down my personality around my husband for years, "self-editing". That much of what I have done, just in terms of caring for the family and him, has been done out of fear. "Oh I hope he won't get mad. Maybe he'll approve of me. Just keep the peace." What peace? Gah!!!! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 13, 2016 11:51:08 GMT -5
Well, I have been lonely in that I have had to really tone down my personality because of my refusing cheater. But I actually meet people and become friends very quickly, which is something I am really enjoying. Flashjohn, I realized I have been toning down my personality around my husband for years, "self-editing". That much of what I have done, just in terms of caring for the family and him, has been done out of fear. "Oh I hope he won't get mad. Maybe he'll approve of me. Just keep the peace." What peace? Gah!!!! Right there with you on the toning down. When your spouse tells you your talk is useless drivel, when they will only say two words a day to you, when they openly admit they have detached themselves, when they want you to lead, but reject every form of your leadership. You tend to avoid that person more and more. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 13, 2016 15:14:55 GMT -5
Right there with you on the toning down. When your spouse tells you your talk is useless drivel, when they will only say two words a day to you, when they openly admit they have detached themselves, when they want you to lead, but reject every form of your leadership. You tend to avoid that person more and more. Yes, I have not been able to be myself in years. I have been told that I am a horrible husband, father, and leader. But if that is true, then why would she give a shit that I left? She should be jumping for joy. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 13, 2016 15:24:08 GMT -5
Honestly? I have never felt as truly lonely as I do in this point in my life. And believe me - I have been physically ALONE a lot in my life. In fact, I enjoyed it. I travelled a lot solo, I lived alone, I moved countries alone - but somehow that was different, because during those times, I had no expectations of being in an intimate partnership. When I was younger, I didn't ever really fantasize about "the big white wedding" etc. etc. but what I DID fantasize about was having a life partner who I could really open up to, be intimate with, and yes, enjoy regular great sex with. Now that I have that "life partner" and there is zero emotional intimacy, the loneliness is crippling. I also feel like I am living a double life...none of my friends or family know what is going on as I am too ashamed to open up and tell them about the near sexless void I am in (I am the wife, so god forbid I am the one who wants more sex than my husband!). So I have to outwardly pretend that everything is ok and it is so not which makes me feel even more isolated and...you guessed it...lonely. Ugh. Having a bad day. Yes, I hear you. IMHO, one of the very worst things about SM is that you feel like you're not allowed to tell anyone about it. That's very isolating and painful. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 13, 2016 15:42:25 GMT -5
Lonely and friendship, can be two opposite paths. Different times in your life change things too, sometimes from season to season. One man in ten has a friend with whom he discusses work, money, marriage,; only one in more than twenty has a friendship where he discloses his feelings about himself. Many men rely solely on their wives or partners for social and emotional needs. Women generally have a broader social network to draw upon to meet their needs. About one-third of men state that they " often feel very lonely." About one - quarter of fathers with children state that they " often feel very lonely." Men rely more on employers and co- workers as a source to provide personal support than with friendships out of the office. "MOST MEN LEAD LIVES OF QUIET DESPERATION AND GO TOTHE GRAVE WITH THE SONG STILL IN THEM" Henry David Thoreau. What a sad quote, although fear it is true for many men AND women. |
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 13, 2016 15:47:59 GMT -5
I embraced the double life -- for a while. I was squarely in the "stay and cheat" camp. I spun off in to a series of side-relationships that were varying degrees of romantic, intimate, sexual, cerebral, carnal, wonderful, and -- sometimes -- ill-advised. And, well, it was great... for a while. But I was slowly able to see that it was still, in fact, a double life... and that it was draining, too. At this point, I'm tired of it. I'm not at this time in or seeking a side-relationship. I'd rather put the effort in to an exit plan. OMG the double life thing! I recently started working with a therapist online who actually was in a very similar situation to mine. It's helping but the exit plan is overwhelming. I have to say that having her and just a few other trusted people, my FWB being one of them, is helpful. I refer to them as my "dead body people", as in--if I were to show up at their doorstep with a body, they would just grab a shovel and follow me, no judgment and no questions asked. Everybody needs a few dead body people in their lives, if you ask me. :-) Normally, my mom would be one of those people, but sadly, I can't tell her. Not about this. Not yet. She has never gotten over my dad leaving her after nearly 30 years of marriage, and she will blame herself that her child of divorce is getting a divorce. It sucks beyond belief. At least I've been able to talk to my brother about much of this, though he doesn't know about my FWB. Besides my therapist, I have 1 friend (one of my dead body people) who knows about him, and she was definitely the right person to tell. Zero judgment. And you know, even if I didn't have a FWB, I still consider my life a double life if that makes any sense. I'm wearing a mask and no one knows what's going on behind closed doors. I am surrounded by people who love me and who I love, thank God, but I find it harder to engage on a close level with many of them any more because of this. I find myself thinking more and more how much I just want to live my life authentically, and the thing is that it's going to cost me a lot to do that. But I have to, for my own survival and for the good of my kids. Not being able to live authentically right now is making me feel VERY lonely. I understand. It is a tough conversation to have with a lot of people. People I call "friends". Sadly, for me, I can't have that connection with anyone in my family. Only with one of my "dbp" friends. So yes, I understand the "mask" you wear. Just know - that with total acceptance and no reward expected - we fellow SM-ers are here to hear you out. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 13, 2016 15:48:18 GMT -5
Honestly? I have never felt as truly lonely as I do in this point in my life. And believe me - I have been physically ALONE a lot in my life. In fact, I enjoyed it. I travelled a lot solo, I lived alone, I moved countries alone - but somehow that was different, because during those times, I had no expectations of being in an intimate partnership. When I was younger, I didn't ever really fantasize about "the big white wedding" etc. etc. but what I DID fantasize about was having a life partner who I could really open up to, be intimate with, and yes, enjoy regular great sex with. Now that I have that "life partner" and there is zero emotional intimacy, the loneliness is crippling. I also feel like I am living a double life...none of my friends or family know what is going on as I am too ashamed to open up and tell them about the near sexless void I am in (I am the wife, so god forbid I am the one who wants more sex than my husband!). So I have to outwardly pretend that everything is ok and it is so not which makes me feel even more isolated and...you guessed it...lonely. Ugh. Having a bad day. This feeling ashamed is also a part of it. We feel shame for being rejected as women as though there must be something wrong with us, even when no other man has ever rejected us, we take this boulder onto our shoulders. That in turn alienates us from friends or possible friends because we keep the secret of our shame. It's not just the rejection from our spouse and the pain that puts us through, but it has a domino effect on the rest of our life. I am sorry you are dealing with this too. Hugs. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 13, 2016 17:01:55 GMT -5
It's almost an inverse incest: The two members of the family who are supposed to have sex don't..."This will be our little secret". Yes! It's another one of those taboos we can't talk about. No one I know discusses anything about their marriage that isn't positive (except now that I left and shared why with one person she shared the time she went to counseling; also the time I confessed to two trusted friends about outsourcing (just my part, nothing about my AP at the time) and they told their own outsourcing stories (that was a surprise for all of us I'm sure). I strongly believe in not constantly bad mouthing one's spouse and in not betraying a spouses trust sharing things that should be just between the two of you. But if it wasn't so taboo to talk about I keep thinking maybe I would have talked to someone and gotten good advice before it came to separating after almost 20 yrs. Also, I might have had the courage to talk about it with my closest friends but was ashamed until fairly recently to talk about it because I thought that it was my fault, that I am defective (it wasn't long after figuring out the problem is not that I'm unfuckable that I left). |
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Post by pattycakey on Apr 14, 2016 1:48:58 GMT -5
Honestly? I have never felt as truly lonely as I do in this point in my life. And believe me - I have been physically ALONE a lot in my life. In fact, I enjoyed it. I travelled a lot solo, I lived alone, I moved countries alone - but somehow that was different, because during those times, I had no expectations of being in an intimate partnership. When I was younger, I didn't ever really fantasize about "the big white wedding" etc. etc. but what I DID fantasize about was having a life partner who I could really open up to, be intimate with, and yes, enjoy regular great sex with. Now that I have that "life partner" and there is zero emotional intimacy, the loneliness is crippling. I also feel like I am living a double life...none of my friends or family know what is going on as I am too ashamed (I am the wife, so god forbid I am the one who wants more sex than my husband!). So I have to outwardly pretend that everything is ok and it is so not. Uh. Having a bad day. I hear you. I think almost everyone else here can say: we hear you. I would recommend that you try to start to let someone in to your "double life": a trusted friend. A talk therapist. Or of course you can share your heart (or spill your guts) here to us on this forum. Ultimately you have to move toward a "more authentic life; letting you be the authentic you". But -- baby steps -- find SOMEONE to share with. That is an important first step. You will find support here if you seek it. Hugs to you! Thank you so much. It means a lot and this forum is basically my life line right now. I do think I need to find a therapist who can help. And yes, the more I go through and on this path, the more i realize that NOTHING is more important to me than living an authentic life. WHich I'm so not doing right now. |
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Post by pattycakey on Apr 14, 2016 1:49:56 GMT -5
Honestly? I have never felt as truly lonely as I do in this point in my life. And believe me - I have been physically ALONE a lot in my life. In fact, I enjoyed it. I travelled a lot solo, I lived alone, I moved countries alone - but somehow that was different, because during those times, I had no expectations of being in an intimate partnership. When I was younger, I didn't ever really fantasize about "the big white wedding" etc. etc. but what I DID fantasize about was having a life partner who I could really open up to, be intimate with, and yes, enjoy regular great sex with. Now that I have that "life partner" and there is zero emotional intimacy, the loneliness is crippling. I also feel like I am living a double life...none of my friends or family know what is going on as I am too ashamed to open up and tell them about the near sexless void I am in (I am the wife, so god forbid I am the one who wants more sex than my husband!). So I have to outwardly pretend that everything is ok and it is so not which makes me feel even more isolated and...you guessed it...lonely. Ugh. Having a bad day. This feeling ashamed is also a part of it. We feel shame for being rejected as women as though there must be something wrong with us, even when no other man has ever rejected us, we take this boulder onto our shoulders. That in turn alienates us from friends or possible friends because we keep the secret of our shame. It's not just the rejection from our spouse and the pain that puts us through, but it has a domino effect on the rest of our life. I am sorry you are dealing with this too. Hugs. Absolutely. The feeling of shame is awful! I know that intellectually it's not my fault, but in my heart I feel responsible, like I'm not good enough/sexy enough/lovable enough. |
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