mariposa43
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Posts: 47
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by mariposa43 on Apr 14, 2016 5:13:48 GMT -5
In the spirit of what we've been talking about in this thread... I hope you all have someone like this in your life, and I'm grateful for the support I am finding here. :-)
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Post by LITW on Apr 14, 2016 10:42:29 GMT -5
A comment made my another member in a post stated: I'm wondering if other ILIASM members think "loneliness is common" amongst folks in sexless marriages? I mean, I know we feel lonely/rejected "in the marriage". And that could possibly make one feel "without friends" and even "unlovable". And in my case, I feel a wee bit isolated from a social life, since my wife is a homebody and I don't feel free to be cavorting around with friends. And yet... I feel I have WAY more friends than my wife. I guess don't generally feel "lonely". I'm gregarious and outgoing. I can strike up a conversation with a stranger, that dad at the PTA meeting, that mom at the soccer field. I'm also comfortable making friends online. In fact, I somehow associate my wife's "introversion" (less interest in having friends and nurturing those friendships) with her lower libido, and my "extroversion" (sociability and gregariousness) with a normal libido. SOOOOOO..... tell me: - If you (personally) consider yourself "lonely in your marriage", do you also describe yourself as "lonely"?
- If you do feel lonely, how much of this do you think is due to your circumstance (and is likely to change if your circumstances change), or is your loneliness somehow "intrinsic"?
- Do you also think "introversion" is correlated with "low libido"?
I'm looking forward to your thoughts on this! Nymphomaniacal introvert here. One anecdata point refuting your introvert = asexual hypothesis. I am a stereotypical INFP (myers-briggs personality type) and I have a huge sexual appetite that I am currently suppressing. Remember the saying "still waters run deep?" I think that goes double for introverts. For many of us ... well me anyway ... I find physical expressions of love to be much stronger than words could ever be.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Apr 14, 2016 11:48:32 GMT -5
In the spirit of what we've been talking about in this thread... I hope you all have someone like this in your life, and I'm grateful for the support I am finding here. :-) Unfortunately my XH was that person. Now I am alone apart from acquaintances and my SO - who I can't rely on.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Apr 14, 2016 11:49:57 GMT -5
I am INFJ but have a very healthy sexual appetite. I was more lonely in sexless relationships than out of them!
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mariposa43
Junior Member
Posts: 47
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by mariposa43 on Apr 14, 2016 12:58:04 GMT -5
In the spirit of what we've been talking about in this thread... I hope you all have someone like this in your life, and I'm grateful for the support I am finding here. :-) Unfortunately my XH was that person. Now I am alone apart from acquaintances and my SO - who I can't rely on. Mathdoll, that sucks. I'm so sorry! Hugs.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2016 13:05:33 GMT -5
[quote author="@carissimi" source="/post/2123/thread" timestamp="1460580498Absolutely. The feeling of shame is awful! I know that intellectually it's not my fault, but in my heart I feel responsible, like I'm not good enough/sexy enough/lovable enough. At first there is just confusion and hurt, but then it turns to shame. Even though we know intellectually, it's not us, the emotional pain and shame is what is most prominent. If it goes on for years, then decades, it just damages our sense of self so much. I honestly don't know if one can fully recover from that. It's like it's imprinted on the nervous system.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Apr 14, 2016 16:57:44 GMT -5
There is certainly a deep and abiding sense of something being wrong with me. I look at the women that I know who are not in a sexless marriage and they have something different - a sense of confidence and entitlement. Or perhaps I am projecting?
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Post by DryCreek on Apr 14, 2016 17:28:48 GMT -5
There is certainly a deep and abiding sense of something being wrong with me. I look at the women that I know who are not in a sexless marriage and they have something different - a sense of confidence and entitlement. Or perhaps I am projecting? Perhaps it is because 1+1=3. That is, their spouses are lending strength and boosting confidence, enabling them to be better people and lead a low-worry life. In contrast to sapping energy, fueling worry, and being an emotional distraction.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 15, 2016 15:02:57 GMT -5
If you (personally) consider yourself "lonely in your marriage", do you also describe yourself as "lonely"? If you do feel lonely, how much of this do you think is due to your circumstance (and is likely to change if your circumstances change), or is your loneliness somehow "intrinsic"? Do you also think "introversion" is correlated with "low libido"? I don't feel lonely, in general because I've always been a bit of a loner. I DID feel lonely in my marriage, until hubby and I moved into separate bedrooms. Now, there is no pretense - we are roommates and friends. Little else. It has given me the "liberty" to have my personal space with things I like. Intrinsic? I honestly had not considered that. I did receive a diagnosis of clinical depression, treatment and medication, that lifted a lot of my "dog" of indifference/ambivalence. Talking to someone about my own feelings of inadequacy as a wife, helped me to place appropriate responsibility on BOTH of us. It also helped "liberate" my libido. I can say that my own libido went through the roof during perimenopause and now, menopause. The depression meds, exercise, therapy, and investing in toys and sexy undies - just for myself - were all key to embracing myself as a truly sexual being. I'm not ready to "unveil" myself to another man yet, but I would like to think that some physical and sexual fun is still in my future. And, I do have a social outlet apart from hubby, which has helped immensely.
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Post by Dan on Apr 15, 2016 15:25:37 GMT -5
OMG the double life thing! ... ... Normally, my mom would be one of those people, but sadly, I can't tell her. Not about this. Not yet. ... you know, even if I didn't have a FWB, I still consider my life a double life if that makes any sense. I'm wearing a mask and no one knows what's going on behind closed doors. I am surrounded by people who love me and who I love, thank God, but I find it harder to engage on a close level with many of them any more because of this. I find myself thinking more and more how much I just want to live my life authentically, and the thing is that it's going to cost me a lot to do that. But I have to, for my own survival and for the good of my kids. Not being able to live authentically right now is making me feel VERY lonely. I just wanted to say I so so so get this, the "double life" thing. For me, outsourcing for a few years (and getting to delve in to my under-addressed sexual side) gave me the "connection and authenticity" that I craved. Well: that was a double edged sword: I could be "really me" and "really honest" with my FWB-du-jour on so many things, but it also required the " unauthenticity" of hiding that relationship. Recently I've transitioned to EP and now here as my main outlet for "connection and authenticity". Now off the "FWB-treadmill" (which is better), but now having no sex at all (ouch) and even wondering if I'm starting to lose my ability to even enter in to a normal relationship with a normal sexual interaction (yikes!). Not to mention: since I'm not ready for "The Talk", I see I'm just "keeping the peace" at home... biding time. So I seem to be substituting one "unauthenticity" for another. You know?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 16, 2016 13:54:11 GMT -5
I am very pro active when problems arise so it's frustrating that I can't really do anything about being sexually lonely without endangering my marriage and not being able to live with my kids. That and the fact that when I was single sex was so easy to get, I'd just go out on a Friday night and meet someone. Now it is even more difficult to find someone to agree to sex because I am in my 60's. It is one thing to be lonely and being able to do something about it but it is much harder when there is no way out of it.
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Post by JMX on Apr 26, 2016 7:22:33 GMT -5
Fiery - agreed. My husband is also an INTJ and for a time, I assumed it was his personality and that he processed things internally (but in his case never shared his conclusions) for our sex life. But truly, it had nothing to do with that at all, as you are also an INTJ Unfortunately, this ENFP needs someone to be on top of me at all times - like a cheap suit.
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 26, 2016 7:25:43 GMT -5
Fiery - agreed. My husband is also an INTJ and for a time, I assumed it was his personality and that he processed things internally (but in his case never shared his conclusions) for our sex life. But truly, it had nothing to do with that at all, as you are also an INTJ Unfortunately, this ENFP needs someone to be on top of me at all times - like a cheap suit. A cheap suit - or a lover?
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 26, 2016 7:42:36 GMT -5
I wasn't trying to be funny - If that is what you need it is not wrong - nor should you be made to feel that it is. I do believe in household and relationship "roles" - this is your duties and responsibilities and these are mine. But I guess that's not "enlightened" enough for most people- And no - I'm not talking barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. There is a middle ground and that is where I think more of us should be. It is a respect thing and a support thing. A partnership thing and unconditional trust thing.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2016 7:48:39 GMT -5
There is certainly a deep and abiding sense of something being wrong with me. I look at the women that I know who are not in a sexless marriage and they have something different - a sense of confidence and entitlement. Or perhaps I am projecting? Perhaps it is because 1+1=3. That is, their spouses are lending strength and boosting confidence, enabling them to be better people and lead a low-worry life. In contrast to sapping energy, fueling worry, and being an emotional distraction. Exactly. Even now, I wonder how I'd be different if I had my basic human needs met for love, affection, touch, and emotional support and encouragement. Without it, we are like withered plants parched from lack of water and nourishment, only for us, it's nourishment of the soul.
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