|
|
Post by bballgirl on Apr 19, 2017 9:49:56 GMT -5
In many ways, I think one misses "the relationship that could have been" as a concept, rather than the other person involved. When I reminisce about "the relationship that could have been", if I then think of the other party involved and myself, it is crystal clear that the two personalities involved were incapable of producing such a relationship. No-ones fault. It was what it was. It was probably as good as it was capable of being. And that turned out to be not good enough. Yes that's the reality of it. I wish I would have figured that out sooner. But it's all good now. Better late than never! |
|
|
|
Post by itsjustus on Apr 19, 2017 21:55:42 GMT -5
In many ways, I think one misses "the relationship that could have been" as a concept, rather than the other person involved. When I reminisce about "the relationship that could have been", if I then think of the other party involved and myself, it is crystal clear that the two personalities involved were incapable of producing such a relationship. No-ones fault. It was what it was. It was probably as good as it was capable of being. And that turned out to be not good enough. bballgirl - "I think I get sad for what should have been and what I wanted with him despite the fact that he didn't want it with me. The sadness never completely goes away"
You're right, it never really does. But as Baz says, the sadness isn't so much missing the actual person (I was horribly abused, imho, both before and after..) but the "what could have been" This past weekend, I was watching old home movies my father took back in the mid-seventies that showed my first ex-wife and I right before and after our daughter was born. I was the happy newly married husband (yes...it was a "sudden" marriage) and soon to be father, then the proud 19 year old father/husband. Looking back at it now, I know that who I was and who my ex was, was soon to change very radically, eventually ending in divorce. (thank God) But watching those Christmas and birthday videos, and my happy reactions to things made me feel....idk...sad? That's not quite right. When the person I was with watching them with asked if it made me sad to watch....I thought for a moment and then said not about the marriage itself, but more for what I thought of what it should have been and could have been. It's ironic that my second marriage also worked out that way and I've done a lot of searching for my "should be's" and "could be's". Also my "have to be's" "The relationship that could have been" I never want to have those regrets again.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2017 23:16:08 GMT -5
Where are you located? And is it a no fault jurisdiction- because everyone is offering advice but depending which country or US state there are many variation so what is normal practice where I am may not apply to you? So just wondered as the things that she seems to be doing would not fly where I am.
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Apr 20, 2017 7:29:21 GMT -5
In many ways, I think one misses "the relationship that could have been" as a concept, rather than the other person involved. When I reminisce about "the relationship that could have been", if I then think of the other party involved and myself, it is crystal clear that the two personalities involved were incapable of producing such a relationship. No-ones fault. It was what it was. It was probably as good as it was capable of being. And that turned out to be not good enough. bballgirl - "I think I get sad for what should have been and what I wanted with him despite the fact that he didn't want it with me. The sadness never completely goes away"
You're right, it never really does. But as Baz says, the sadness isn't so much missing the actual person (I was horribly abused, imho, both before and after..) but the "what could have been" This past weekend, I was watching old home movies my father took back in the mid-seventies that showed my first ex-wife and I right before and after our daughter was born. I was the happy newly married husband (yes...it was a "sudden" marriage) and soon to be father, then the proud 19 year old father/husband. Looking back at it now, I know that who I was and who my ex was, was soon to change very radically, eventually ending in divorce. (thank God) But watching those Christmas and birthday videos, and my happy reactions to things made me feel....idk...sad? That's not quite right. When the person I was with watching them with asked if it made me sad to watch....I thought for a moment and then said not about the marriage itself, but more for what I thought of what it should have been and could have been. It's ironic that my second marriage also worked out that way and I've done a lot of searching for my "should be's" and "could be's". Also my "have to be's" "The relationship that could have been" I never want to have those regrets again.
Yeah life goes on. I try to look forward and not look back much. |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Apr 20, 2017 8:09:54 GMT -5
bballgirl - "I think I get sad for what should have been and what I wanted with him despite the fact that he didn't want it with me. The sadness never completely goes away"
You're right, it never really does. But as Baz says, the sadness isn't so much missing the actual person (I was horribly abused, imho, both before and after..) but the "what could have been" This past weekend, I was watching old home movies my father took back in the mid-seventies that showed my first ex-wife and I right before and after our daughter was born. I was the happy newly married husband (yes...it was a "sudden" marriage) and soon to be father, then the proud 19 year old father/husband. Looking back at it now, I know that who I was and who my ex was, was soon to change very radically, eventually ending in divorce. (thank God) But watching those Christmas and birthday videos, and my happy reactions to things made me feel....idk...sad? That's not quite right. When the person I was with watching them with asked if it made me sad to watch....I thought for a moment and then said not about the marriage itself, but more for what I thought of what it should have been and could have been. It's ironic that my second marriage also worked out that way and I've done a lot of searching for my "should be's" and "could be's". Also my "have to be's" "The relationship that could have been" I never want to have those regrets again.
Yeah life goes on. I try to look forward and not look back much. As I drove through our neighborhood this morning I was thinking about moving after 14 yrs in the same neighborhood. I started reminding myself how many of the houses I know the families and how few I don't. Also how I was one to go around introducing myself,(even at my rental properties) "Hi, I am your neighbor". My W. has never done that. She hardly knows anyone. So, a few things. I can adapt. I can start over in a new neighborhood. I will be fine. Why did I choose someone who is such an opposite? Does it go back to opposites attract? Was she far more outgoing in the way she met me? Yes. Am I going to look back sadly on what could have been? Not really. That was 25 yrs ago. Do I know a lot more now about who I am, and who I prefer to be with? I am going to have the freedom to find out. |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on May 1, 2017 13:57:02 GMT -5
AS THE WORLD TURNS!
Our court date was supposed to be tomorrow morning. My attorney and I went through 3 months of no return calls, from my STBX's second attorney. She has now hired a third. My attorney suggested I get a continence so we could take her deposition. Both attorneys would prefer another mediation. Does my STBX go along with that? Probably not. Will she fire this attorney ? Time will tell. Do all these delay tactics, and moving of money, and changing of stories look good for my STBX? I doubt it! (better for me!)
Another moving of money into an account in my STBX's name has been discovered. (no need to say the numbers). Separate accounts for adult teens college have shown up. About 90% less than what was originally called "college money" during the first mediation. That brings up more questions. Where has that money gone? Was there any mutual consent to starting these college accounts? Was this done during the court order to freeze assets?
It just goes on and on. The deposition will help get documented answers to much of the finance questions.
Meanwhile we (the entire family) stay together, much like it was, with very little communication.
|
|
|
|
Post by cagedtiger on May 1, 2017 16:57:00 GMT -5
AS THE WORLD TURNS! Our court date was supposed to be tomorrow morning. My attorney and I went through 3 months of no return calls, from my STBX's second attorney. She has now hired a third. My attorney suggested I get a continence so we could take her deposition. Both attorneys would prefer another mediation. Does my STBX go along with that? Probably not. Will she fire this attorney ? Time will tell. Do all these delay tactics, and moving of money, and changing of stories look good for my STBX? I doubt it! (better for me!) Another moving of money into an account in my STBX's name has been discovered. (no need to say the numbers). Separate accounts for adult teens college have shown up. About 90% less than what was originally called "college money" during the first mediation. That brings up more questions. Where has that money gone? Was there any mutual consent to starting these college accounts? Was this done during the court order to freeze assets? It just goes on and on. The deposition will help get documented answers to much of the finance questions. Meanwhile we (the entire family) stay together, much like it was, with very little communication. Holy shit. I'm glad your lawyer is on top of all of this, though. |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jun 7, 2017 7:12:51 GMT -5
Another car repair!
Only this time it"s the car that all three of my teens drive for work and school. It's in my name, only because I was the one who did all the work to purchase it for the teens. So the car is in my name. Bought with "our" money at the time. Then again, who knows about "our" money the way she shifts it all around?. (We've been needing two ,now three, for all the teens we have driving at one time).
My son told me last night "the car broke down, mom knows about it," J "(his brother) had to leave it there."
My attorney has informed me before, "you are a one income family, your wife is responsible for 100% of the family/household, finances/expenses." Don't pay for such things, let her do it, let the car sit."
As long as this divorce drags out, we are still married, I have little money left for what was set aside for attorneys, gas, food, etc..(daily living)
I made the mistake of caving , using that money for previous car, and household repairs and expenses.
This time it's going to be 100% "not my problem, ask your mom". I will also tell my sons, "you can use my car if I'm not using it, and you need to put gas in it".
I will also tell them" there's the old truck that needs repair, and you can always drive your moms car, take her to work and back and use her car."
It's going to be another fiasco. Once again, all about money, and control.
Heck, I would normally take the car to be fixed with "our" money and be done with it. But she decided to control and change all that.
|
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jun 7, 2017 8:49:30 GMT -5
"This time it's going to be 100% "not my problem, ask your mom". I will also tell my sons, "you can use my car if I'm not using it, and you need to put gas in it".I will also tell them" there's the old truck that needs repair, and you can always drive your moms car, take her to work and back and use her car." It's going to be another fiasco. "
It'll only be a fiasco if you choose to view it that way. At worst, it's a bit of an inconvenience for him, the type of "inconvenience" that many people including teens do daily and actually feel lucky to be able to use a car.
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jun 7, 2017 8:58:57 GMT -5
You can't worry about things you can't control.
This is between your son and his mother since she has the control.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jun 7, 2017 9:24:30 GMT -5
You can't worry about things you can't control. This is between your son and his mother since she has the control. Thank you!! As always! I can smell the stench of the manipulation coming. My youngest son told me about it last night when I walked in the door late. It's not his problem, then again he's one of the 4 of us who use that car. The STBX saw me in the kitchen this morning. All she cared about was writing her name on some little pad about being here for dinner, she did speak to me to tell me about" Her and grandpa, making sure she gets fed". Nothing about the car repair. Her car is gone to work with her, what does she care? The youngest already expects her manipulation, "isn't she going to say, "The car is in your name so you need to pay for it?" He's all on to her tactics and manipulation. I hate having to call my attorney and pay a fee to have these questions answered. So I am going on the past experience of what to do. The car is sitting at a park. The starter is broken. I can only imagine what's going to happen. The car will get towed, there will be fees for towing ,storage etc... Then again ,her deposition is coming up in 8 days. This could be a whole nother list of questions for her to have to answer under oath about money. |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jun 7, 2017 9:54:24 GMT -5
You can't worry about things you can't control. This is between your son and his mother since she has the control. Thank you!! As always! I can smell the stench of the manipulation coming. My youngest son told me about it last night when I walked in the door late. It's not his problem, then again he's one of the 4 of us who use that car. The STBX saw me in the kitchen this morning. All she cared about was writing her name on some little pad about being here for dinner, she did speak to me to tell me about" Her and grandpa, making sure she gets fed". Nothing about the car repair. Her car is gone to work with her, what does she care? The youngest already expects her manipulation, "isn't she going to say, "The car is in your name so you need to pay for it?" He's all on to her tactics and manipulation. I hate having to call my attorney and pay a fee to have these questions answered. So I am going on the past experience of what to do. The car is sitting at a park. The starter is broken. I can only imagine what's going to happen. The car will get towed, there will be fees for towing ,storage etc... Then again ,her deposition is coming up in 8 days. This could be a whole nother list of questions for her to have to answer under oath about money. Will your wife eventually have to pay you back for half of your attorney fees because you are suing her for divorce or is that not the way your divorce is? I don't understand why your attorney has not filed a motion for an emergency hearing for spousal support? I really hope all of this comes to an end soon for you. Can your son use Uber to get around and pay for it with the account in your wife's name or an account in both of your names? |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jun 7, 2017 10:50:01 GMT -5
In my state you can actually close joint accounts, joint credit cards and move all the money into your personal account. However, that does not look favorably to a judge. In most cases they are not ordered to give it back. However, once the assets are divided and the money that was moved, could be considered apart of their asset in their marriage. That's where this upcoming deposition will be in my favor. All that moved money will be exposed/answered to under oath for the judge and my attorney to review. All part of the bargaining assets when it comes time to negotiate the settlement. Her answers of "I don't know" won't get her very far. She will still be responsible for it. Not just pocket change, but tens of thousands. All documented in the banks records, including copies of all computer transactions, and signed deposit slips and checks. It's all been subpoenaed, every and any bank account, pay stub, credit card, debit card, everything. |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jun 7, 2017 11:09:28 GMT -5
Thank you!! As always! I can smell the stench of the manipulation coming. My youngest son told me about it last night when I walked in the door late. It's not his problem, then again he's one of the 4 of us who use that car. The STBX saw me in the kitchen this morning. All she cared about was writing her name on some little pad about being here for dinner, she did speak to me to tell me about" Her and grandpa, making sure she gets fed". Nothing about the car repair. Her car is gone to work with her, what does she care? The youngest already expects her manipulation, "isn't she going to say, "The car is in your name so you need to pay for it?" He's all on to her tactics and manipulation. I hate having to call my attorney and pay a fee to have these questions answered. So I am going on the past experience of what to do. The car is sitting at a park. The starter is broken. I can only imagine what's going to happen. The car will get towed, there will be fees for towing ,storage etc... Then again ,her deposition is coming up in 8 days. This could be a whole nother list of questions for her to have to answer under oath about money. Will your wife eventually have to pay you back for half of your attorney fees because you are suing her for divorce or is that not the way your divorce is? I don't understand why your attorney has not filed a motion for an emergency hearing for spousal support? I really hope all of this comes to an end soon for you. Can your son use Uber to get around and pay for it with the account in your wife's name or an account in both of your names? My wife will be paying my attorney fees. However in the grand scheme of things, it boils down to "our money" again. That's all money that would have been divided. The emergency spousal support goes back to the amount of the support verses the cost of attorney fees just to make it happen. It was supposed to be for such a short period of time that it would not be worth it. However my STBX kept changing attorneys and delaying things longer and longer. Yet every time it comes up, things are supposed to be ending. This time it sound highly probable. I am asking for every penny of the cost of living expenses I have spent to be re-embersed 100%. Especially since the money used was (I strongly suspect) from my inheritance money in the first place. My next court date is July 19th. So the day is coming. My STBX has said through her attorney that she want's no more delays. (interesting?) Both attorneys want another mediation, before the court date. There is no accounts in both our names anymore. (there's the rental properties, I'm going to have a field day with her taking money from that one for anything but rental expenses. Especially her using it as such a big tax write off. I will seek re-embersement for that as well) I think this car repair is going to be a fiasco between me and her, not the boys. The car being in my name, does not matter, (that simply means I was the one who went and registered it) It's a household expense that she is responsible for. |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jun 7, 2017 11:30:55 GMT -5
My teen son is finally out of bed! (I remember those summer days!) It turns out he called his mom to come jump start the car last night. So she is fully aware of the situation.
I am laying low until things further progress.
My STBX is the queen of emails texts, phone messages, so it's interesting that there's been no communication, so far.
my plan is to send her an email saying, "the corolla is broken, it's at one of the parks, could you please get it fixed?"
And leave it at that.
|
|
