|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Feb 28, 2017 9:53:21 GMT -5
Well....some good news, already! I received a call from my attorney who asked if I would be okay with doing our court hearing by phone? That way It saves lots of money. I and my STBX don't have to pay our attorneys for a one hour one way drive to the courthouse (and another hour back) for a 5 minute meeting. I like the sound of that!! My attorney informed me that she can't get a hold of, and has not heard from my STBX's attorney, so is my STBX at home and could I speak to her about it? I let my attorney know, "she's not here, I will call her." I call my STBX and tell her about the offer. Her response, "I already spoke with my attorney about that." (another manipulative, frustrating response!) I then have to say, "okay, but my attorney hasn't heard from yours and can't get a hold of her. So, can you do it by phone?" She responded, "yes I will do it by phone." I tell her, "thank you, I will call my attorney and let her know." Why do the easiest of things have to be so difficult? |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Mar 1, 2017 4:44:26 GMT -5
Congrats on the progress, and good luck! It seemed really likely at the outset that she was hiding things - what have you discovered? Have you hired the forensic accountant yet? Quick caveat about the "forensic accountant": they cost money. Sometimes LOTS. My brother and sister-in-law just went through a messy divorce. She was sure there was infidelity on his part, she was also sure he had squandered $50k to $100k on the mistress. To my parents, he admitted he probably spent maybe $10k on her. But my SIL was so crazed in her hunch that he had surely spent more, she may have spent $40k on forensic accountants! Money down the crapper, if you ask me. I -- personally -- may even have fomented this. I actually like my SIL (interpersonally) better than I like my brother. So one time when she was ranting privately to me, I probably encouraged her to get to the bottom of everything. "Get the bank, IRA, and college savings statements, and have someone look them over." I wasn't taking sides on the marital situation, but if they were going to split, I think it should be fair. (I was going to be madder at my brother for screwing her financially in the divorce than I was indignant about his screwing not-his-wife on the side...) Anyway, I'm SURE I don't have the full story (almost everything I hear about their situation is second hand, and the "he said/she said" details differ wildly). But there is a lesson or two in there. W.R.T. this thread, I guess I just want to point out that a forensic account can be pricey. Make sure you know what you are paying for and the expected return; no sense making a bad financial decision in the midst of what is already a bad marital situation. Hate to say it, but sometimes the financially optimal course of action is simply "cut your losses ASAP". (Please note: greatcoastal , I don't know your details; not saying you in particular shouldn't. Just a "caution flag" for all who read this far.) A forensic accountant was going to be $2500.00 . i recently spoke with a financial planner, that was going to be $800.00. They both were going to have to interact with my attorney, so that too is an additional cost. |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Mar 1, 2017 4:58:57 GMT -5
My meeting with the judge took place over the phone. There was no temporary relief, since our next meeting with the judge will be early May, it keeps coming down to, "it's too short a time frame, so it wouldn't be worth it". However this keeps happening , going on 8 months.
My STBX submitted her parenting plan. When my attorney presented it she said," this is really weird, I've never seen one like this, and I don't think the judge will accept it." That's the difference in me having an experienced attorney, and my STBX getting advice from her sister, and having an attorney with no experience.
Her parenting plan was for the kids to be with her every school day, and with me all the other days. My attorney said, "why would she want to do that? That also means you will never have a free weekend, and she won't have the kids for the whole summer?"
Then I get home to discover text messages where my STBX had my older son take my youngest daughter (she has learning disabilities, and has been homeschooled all her life) to be evaluated. Along with a message that she is starting public school tomorrow. Just texts, telling me what she's doing! That's her way of communicating!
|
|
|
|
Post by tamara68 on Mar 1, 2017 5:20:33 GMT -5
greatcoastal hard to wait for the verdict. But your lawyer probably has a good view on what is to be expected. Your wife is communicating about as good as my stbx. She can't unilateral decide on school as long as you are both responsible for those decisions.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Mar 1, 2017 5:53:56 GMT -5
greatcoastal hard to wait for the verdict. But your lawyer probably has a good view on what is to be expected. Your wife is communicating about as good as my stbx. She can't unilateral decide on school as long as you are both responsible for those decisions. True that decision can not be made without me. However I am dealing with a manipulative controller. Her tactic? She claimed, "I read in your parenting plan that you want our daughter in public school, so I had her evaluated". I wasn't expecting this to be dumped on me in a matter of minutes and have everything be decided and change with three text messages! I expected this to happen after our divorce, and the beginning of the school year. If it was going to happen at all! I did speak with her by phone. She coincidentally had to leave that day for Canada on a 4 day business trip. I told her, " someone didn't just call you out of the blue, you planned all this!" My neighbor did comfort me by telling me a story of a friend who had a girl staying with them for six weeks. They went to the school to ask what had to be done, and they told them "she is starting tomorrow". That's the way it's done. And that their daughter enjoyed it and loved it. I hope mine will too. I hope I am making good decisions? It's all so sudden. |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Mar 5, 2017 10:25:25 GMT -5
Another part of this divorce is the confirmation. Every week I have another story to tell my friends, attorney, and therapist. I am beginning to get feed back like, "she did what? That's not legal?, She can't do that! Sounds like she's trying to cut you out as much as possible, No judge is going to agree to that! She sure likes to control things! Wow, what a narcissist! Definitely a Narcissist. Your going to be so much better off when this is over."
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Mar 9, 2017 20:42:41 GMT -5
I had a meeting with my attorney today. I was asked about my older adult children testifying? Grandpa testifying? My tenant testifying? So much about the money, and my participation in the family. It's gotten that ugly. It almost brings me to tears. Of course I don't want my sons, or grandpa or my tenants to have to testify! No one else should be involved in this. It's getting bad.
My attorney did tell me that my STBX has hired a different attorney. This makes the third! Fortunately my attorney believes that things will be completely settled with the next mediation, and we will not have to go before a judge.
This whole thing about other members of the family testifying could be part of the tactics that attorneys use to get the compromise to happen, I hope that's what it is? Just guessing right now?
I didn't ask my attorney if she "knew the other attorney?" That seems to make a big difference in how to handle things, and expected outcomes. Who knew?
Instead, I asked, " Sorry if I sound cold, but, how much more is this going to cost? Is this coming out of her half? Does this postpone things even longer?" She answered me, "It all comes from your family funds, that would have been divided. No nothing gets posponed, and things hopefully will be settled with the next mediation."
All a learning experience.
PS My attorney spoke with my 20 yr old today. She asked him about homeschool. What does your mom do? "she sets the curriculum". What does your dad do? "whatever mom tells him!" That got a big laugh out of all of us!! Sadly it's so true. I said, "that would make a good t-shirt".
|
|
|
|
Post by tamara68 on Mar 10, 2017 3:22:28 GMT -5
I am sorry it's getting bad. Maybe it is not as bad as it looks. But whatever happens, don't fall back in doing whatever your stbx tells you!
Stay strong!
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Mar 10, 2017 12:15:46 GMT -5
I am sorry it's getting bad. Maybe it is not as bad as it looks. But whatever happens, don't fall back in doing whatever your stbx tells you! Stay strong! Thank you! You stay strong too!! This is were my attorney helps me. By re-assuring me, and educating me. How wonderful to sit there and here someone with authority and previous experience say, "that's not going to happen, that doesn't matter, she will have to prove that, She is going to have to be accountable for that, she can't hide that it's going to come out, that does not look good for her, there's no way she will get that, really? that wont happen. You have every right to do that, or not do that, the judge would never agree to that!" |
|
|
|
Post by dinnaken on Mar 11, 2017 15:26:05 GMT -5
Hi Greatcoastal,
I cannot begin to understand what you are going through but it must be hellish; I only know that with my vulnerability to anxiety, it would have crushed me. Stay strong, my thoughts are with you.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Apr 18, 2017 7:09:40 GMT -5
I just learned my trial date is set for May 1-5 and May 17-19. It should take 1 1/2 days. I am feeling depressed about the whole thing. Disappointed that mediation never happened.
I am taking my daughter to the doctor this morning then to school. I will be balancing/entering my expenses for the last 8 months. A depressing day.
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Apr 18, 2017 8:11:15 GMT -5
Stay strong at least you have a date that you know it will all be done. A judge will decide and finalize things. You will no longer be controlled by your wife.
You can start the next chapter of your life.
You can be free!!
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Apr 18, 2017 9:43:03 GMT -5
Stay strong at least you have a date that you know it will all be done. A judge will decide and finalize things. You will no longer be controlled by your wife. You can start the next chapter of your life. You can be free!! Thank you friend, why does that make me sad though? It's finally ending, still, it makes me sad. There's still a lot more to come, maybe that's it. On my way home from dropping off my daughter I realize, I am thinking, "I hope her car is gone when I get home." When it's Mon. morning I'm like, "good, she'll be at work all week." When she tells me last minute on Friday, I'll be gone for the weekend", I feel relief." That should tell me plenty". |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Apr 18, 2017 10:07:55 GMT -5
Stay strong at least you have a date that you know it will all be done. A judge will decide and finalize things. You will no longer be controlled by your wife. You can start the next chapter of your life. You can be free!! Thank you friend, why does that make me sad though? It's finally ending, still, it makes me sad. There's still a lot more to come, maybe that's it. On my way home from dropping off my daughter I realize, I am thinking, "I hope her car is gone when I get home." When it's Mon. morning I'm like, "good, she'll be at work all week." When she tells me last minute on Friday, I'll be gone for the weekend", I feel relief." That should tell me plenty". I've been out of my marriage over a year now and sometimes I still have sad days because despite the abuse and neglect I still have love in my heart for my ex in a brother/ sister kind of way. Also it's sad that the marriage failed, I think I get sad for what should have been and what I wanted with him despite the fact that he didn't want it with me. The sadness never completely goes away. |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Apr 18, 2017 22:52:31 GMT -5
In many ways, I think one misses "the relationship that could have been" as a concept, rather than the other person involved.
When I reminisce about "the relationship that could have been", if I then think of the other party involved and myself, it is crystal clear that the two personalities involved were incapable of producing such a relationship.
No-ones fault.
It was what it was.
It was probably as good as it was capable of being.
And that turned out to be not good enough.
|
|
