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Post by obobfla on Jun 16, 2016 11:58:56 GMT -5
LEXUS46, we are seeing a marriage counselor next week. I do speak to her psychiatrist, but he only monitors her meds. She refuses to see a counselor just for herself.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 15, 2016 11:35:10 GMT -5
obobfla , your story speaks very, very personally to me- thank you. We've been stuck at the same point in remodeling our house for several months now, what I haven't done has barely gotten done for a long time, and everything else is a nasty mess - the nightstand on her side of the bed is a sticky pile of empty Dr. Pepper cabs, Sprite bottles, and fast food containers. But she'll accuse me of being passive aggressive when I go to clean that all up when she's either not at home or just lying in bed watching TV. Passive aggressive? Sounds like she's blaming your cleaning instead of dealing with her own problems. Not a good sign. Since you are a deacon, you might want to see what counseling your church or denomination provides. I would also reach other to other clergy members to see what they would recommend. But you can't be passive if your wife is not seeking treatment. For me, that would be an immediate deal breaker. It's just as if she were an alcoholic. You don't enable it. The best thing you can do is leave her.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 15, 2016 9:17:19 GMT -5
cagedtiger, I am raising my hand here. Actually, I am jumping up and down and waving my arms. Shortly after I got married, my wife started hearing voices. They would normally appear right before her period. They were angry ones who told her what an awful person she was and how she could not do anything right. She yelled back at them then at me. I know it wasn't fun for her, but it definitely was not fun for me. I got her to a psychiatrist, who put her on Seroquel. The voices went away, but her personality left too. Thankfully, my wife gave me permission to talk to her psychiatrist, and I mentioned how she was. He gave her an anti-depressant to go with with the Seroquel. After a week, personality restored! Still, sex was ok. I wanted children, and my wife got pregnant. Although she discontinued her Seroquel through her pregnancy, somehow she was ok. But the day after the baby was born, the delusions returned. Her post-partum period was living hell. She got back on Risperdahl and an anti-depressant. Unlike Seroquel, Risperdahl did not cause any weight gain. But it did drain her energy. After a rough pregnancy, my wife was scared of getting pregnant again. She had an opportunity to have her tubes tied but never did. In order to have sex again, I wore a condom. She still panicked each time her period was a minute late. So, to save our marriage, I got a vasectomy. Even after explaining to her that her chances of getting pregnant were equal to her winning the lottery while being struck by lightning while holding a frozen snowball in hell, she still panicked each month. Later, she lost all desire for sex and sank into a depression. My wife is still in that depression. She sits all day in the dark, barely turning on lights or music. Our apartment is a mess, as she does little housework. She faithfully takes her medicine and sees her psychiatrist, but that is only once every six months for 15 minutes. We have not had sex in two years. She has not seen a gynecologist about her lack of sexual desire. I have since given up and outsourced. I have survived thanks to the local chapter of the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), which has a support group and classes for those whose loved ones are mentally ill. My outsourcing partners, family, and forums like this have helped tremendously too. I have become a support group facilitator and try to help those in situations like mine. For years, I went through a vicious cycle of resentment and guilt. I resent her illness, then I feel guilty for resenting it. Personal counseling has helped me deal with that. I repeat this analogy often - Yes, your wife is sick. It is not her fault. It is not your fault when you get a cold. But when you get a cold, it is your responsibility to wipe the snot from your nose and not to sneeze and cough on others. Your wife has a responsibility to accept her illness and treat it. You can help her, but you can't do it for her. The lack of sex and the thoughtlessness have broken me down. I am now looking for a way out. Next week, we see a marriage counselor. I will always be there for my wife as a friend and caregiver, but I cannot consider what we have to be a marriage anymore.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 14, 2016 23:32:21 GMT -5
@andie, as a man who would wear almost any T-shirt that didn't smell too bad, I can say the nickname you have for your husband is apropos, if he has any nuts.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 14, 2016 20:18:29 GMT -5
Sounds like your husband is overly sensitive or resentful of something. Not that it excuses his behavior, but you say he is a good man otherwise. I know he's going to hate hearing this, but he's going to have to get in touch with his feelings.
Considering his past refusing, this may not help, but I will put it out there anyway. Do you guys take any date nights? Having a baby kind of consumes your energy, and it sounds like a baby sitter and a night out is in order.
If that doesn't work, I suggest going to Home Depot or Lowe's. Go back to the lumber department and get a nice section of 2x4 lumber about 2 feet long. Use it to knock some sense into your husband (jk)
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Post by obobfla on Jun 14, 2016 12:31:03 GMT -5
I did once see a list of why cucumbers were better than men. Things like "they will wait for your nails to dry;" "They will respect you in the morning;" "They don't leave skid marks on your sheet;"
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Post by obobfla on Jun 14, 2016 11:32:52 GMT -5
I struggled with this thread. Masturbation? I am sick of my hands, lotion, and porn. I want a female body!
But there are three: 1. I have found this group. 2. I have met two wonderful women I have had as lovers 3. I have my own bedroom now. My wife doesn't kick me when I sleep or steal the covers. And I can fart in bed whenever I want.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 12, 2016 21:43:44 GMT -5
I met my last partner in crime on EP. She was in Georgia. I had developed a few close relationships, including one with a lady in England. Had I had the airfare and a passport, I would have visited her. But I was able to correspond over a few months with the lady in Georgia, and we got a chance to get together a year ago. We still chat. Not sure where the relationship is going, though.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 12, 2016 19:44:59 GMT -5
To me, this is the saddest song. Not sure which is more sad, having the love of my life die or never having one.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 12, 2016 19:27:07 GMT -5
A therapist once told me that if we have an unresolved relationship with a parent (that is unresolved within ourselves), we will unconsciously seek out someone just like that parent in a spouse. At first, I did not see that happening since neither of my parents were severely mentally ill. But my wife does bear a resemblance to my mother. She also comes from a large Irish Catholic family like I do. I remember the first time I was at her parents and saw how much alike our parents were. I guess I am still trying to resolve everything.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 12, 2016 10:33:36 GMT -5
Excuse me, but I am kind of reeling right now. As many of you know, I live in the Orlando area. First, a young aspiring singer is shot Friday night as she greets fans. No one knows why yet. Then a gunman brings an assault rifle into a gay night club and shoots up the place. The last death count was 50. As you can tell, I am ok. All my friends and relatives are ok too. Don't know anyone who was at either place. I know of at least two other people in the forum who live around here, bballgirl and greatcoastal. Saw them post today, so I know they are safe. I remember posting support for victims of shootings in France and Belgium. Never thought I would feel like people in those cities. Part of me wants to stay inside and be safe. Both shootings are in five miles of where I work. But if there is any sort of candlelight vigil tonight, I want to be there. I want these bastards to know they can't defeat us.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 12, 2016 9:34:51 GMT -5
Actually, there was the "NetFlix and Chill" thing. But what's "Rubenesque". Is that a cliché? I'll look that up. Rubenesque is a fancy way of saying "sexy" or "smoking hot". Actually, it is a euphemism for being overweight. When Rubens painted nudes, heavyset women where considered sexy in his time, so his models were large by our standards. We live in anorexic times.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 12, 2016 7:45:36 GMT -5
@helentishappy, your profile would be at the top of my list if you posted it - seriously.
First, you have racing dogs. I would ask you all about your dogs, did they race, and do they chase cats. I live in a town with two dog tracks, so greyhound rescue dogs are common here. I love their large eyes and temperament, but I have a cat. I've always been told greyhounds and cats don't mix. But as you can see, the dogs got me off the subject. But given the choice between a dog and naked woman, I take the dog (not for sex!).
Second, there is not one cliche or euphemism in your profile. You don't mention "walks on the beach," "Rubenesque," or anything like that. It's honest and funny. It tells who you are and what a man is getting.
Third, you are not putting a lot of limitations on the men in terms of race, height, weight, age, and personal habits. I can understand women want a man who matches them, but there are some personal ads that are unrealistic in their limitations. There are only so many white men between the ages of 25-40 who are not overweight, taller than 6 feet, have money, and are free of bad habits. Some come out as downright bitchy before we meet, I can imagine what fun you would be after we meet.
But what I like most of all is that you are wise enough not to date right now. You are taking the time to get your life in order and getting yourself in emotional shape first. That is huge! I sometimes wish I could be like that, but as a male I sometimes think with the wrong head. Way to go girl!
BTW, send me pics - of your dogs!
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Post by obobfla on Jun 11, 2016 22:25:28 GMT -5
For me, the memories are painful, because while I have many moments where I would have liked to have frozen time and lived in the moment forever, it was so perfect and blissful, now all the memories make me feel is empty. Empty feeling that in the end everything turns to shit so what is the point in trying. Empty, worrying that as futile as the results of those memories always are, I still desperately and irrationally want to try (and inebitBly have my heart broken again in the process) to have such memories again. Excuse the relentless negativity, that's just intractable chronic depression speaking. Even when it's well medicated it breaks out of its straight jacket at least once a day. I too suffer from depression, although it is not as bad as it once was. I remember feeling so depressed that I couldn't remember what happiness felt like. I knew I had some enjoyable moments, but all I could recall emotionally was the sadness. Always remember, depression lies. It is a cruel and dangerous disease. If you need to know more, read this: www.washingtonpost.com/news/inspired-life/wp/2016/03/23/i-told-the-truth-in-my-sisters-obituary-so-that-others-might-choose-to-live/. I don't want to listen to the lies. Thankfully, my son makes me laugh at least once a day. I talk to people here to remind me that things can get better. I hang onto the memories to remind me that good times are always possible. I may be going off to war while the love of my life gets on a plane with another man. But dammit, I had Paris!
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Post by obobfla on Jun 11, 2016 21:34:02 GMT -5
This just brought up some unforgettable memories... :-( It's so painful... Clearly men have an entirely different view on relationships... And Paris. The one in France. Sorry if this triggered painful memories. A lot of men feel the way you do. I don't think it matters what sex we are. I think it matters how we deal with the past. With all I have been through, I have to hang on whatever positive in my life I can. Self-pity can literally kill me, and my death would not be a good one. These experiences remind me that I can enjoy life and not despair.
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