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Post by obobfla on Jun 11, 2016 19:56:30 GMT -5
Interesting. I wouldn't mind going back to some of those places and try it again with another person. I'd love to take another woman to St. Augustine or the Keys. For our honeymoon, my wife and I rented a house on an island in the keys that was only accessible by boat. I would love to try that again with someone else. And if any woman wants to be fed tater tots or some other finger food, just message me!
But it's not just the place. No one else could have sang to me like my wife did that night. She can't sing like that anymore. And the St. Augustine trip meant a lot because of what it did for my male ego. After the years of refusal, a woman found me attractive again. Yes, timing is everything. But I wouldn't mind trying again.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 11, 2016 19:35:37 GMT -5
It sounds like you can control them. I often think depression is anger held in like constipation. Instead of getting rid of the shit, it stays inside of you and makes you feel awful.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 11, 2016 19:00:28 GMT -5
darktippedrose, I don't know of a mother who did not experience post-partum depression of some form. My mom told me she had it real bad. Also, a lot of people have mental illnesses in their late teens and early 20s. Glad you got help. As for your husband, if he says he stays with you because you are unstable, that is a load of crap. Yes, poor guy stays with a crazy woman, setting himself up as a victim! I don't stay with my wife because she is unstable. I have stayed because she has made an effort to be stable. As it is, I am trying to get out of my marriage as painlessly as possible.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 11, 2016 16:31:49 GMT -5
Isabellas39, I was never a stay-at-home parent, but I have rebuilt my career several times, going back to school and earning my BA when I was 45. I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up because I never grew up. But I like making money by writing. The best career advice I got was "What have you done that makes you feel useful?" This comes from the book, What Color is Your Parachute? List the accomplishment that you are most proud of and see in which field they lay. Were you working with people or by yourself? Did you have to multi-task or did you get to concentrate on one area? For example, I do not multitask well. I prefer wearing blinders and concentrating on one thing at a time. That is why I never worked as a waiter, since it would stress me out. Too many things happening at the same time! If you have a hard time handling rejection, I would not recommend a career in sales. A lot of people say "Do what you love," but I would say "Do what you don't hate." You don't have to be passionate about your career, but don't go into a field that you know you don't like or troubles your morality. If you are a vegetarian, don't become a butcher. As to what you described, get some general skills, such as using Microsoft Office skills, particularly Word and Excel. A good generalist is always employable.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 11, 2016 15:37:37 GMT -5
You need to go to Paris with someone new.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 11, 2016 15:20:11 GMT -5
After talking to several other forum members about starting new relationships and looking back on old ones, the final scene from Casablanca came into my mind. Rick turns to Ilsa and says "We will always have Paris."
Now, I have never been to Paris, France. I haven't been to Paris, Texas either. But I have memories of past relationships that I keep with me. They are my own "Parises" where a lady and I had that special something no one else could have.
With my wife, two instances come to mind. One time before we were married, she was wearing a teddy, and we were lying on her apartment floor. My wife had a beautiful singing voice, although she often sang too loud and strong. But this time, she sang "My Funny Valentine" so sweetly with a smile on her face. Another time when we first started dating, she came over to my place after work. I had just gotten a small white kitten, and my wife was in love with the kitten. She took off her pants because they were dirty. I remember her running around the apartment in her panties as she was trying to get the kitten to chase her. She seemed like a playful little girl.
With another girlfriend, it was tater tots. She came over for dinner, and we fed each other tater tots as foreplay. That led to a night of incredible sex. Even as I go to the grocery store today, I walk past the frozen potato section and smile.
With an AP, the Paris was St. Augustine, where we rode a horse-drawn carriage through the old town at night. It was a weekend in October, and Van Morrison's "Moondance" played in my head. We had a great "Moondance" later.
I am still with my wife, although I am starting to pack my parachute for the big jump. The other two women have moved on to other men. They are Facebook friends, but that is all. No matter the current status of those relationships, I have those memories that have made those relationships special.
But I want more Parises. I want to meet more women and create those special memories. I don't need a lifetime commitment, but I do want a time of caring and passion. If the opportunity to go to Paris comes along, I won't pass it up, wherever Paris may be.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 10, 2016 18:28:58 GMT -5
I have had two affairs. They both saved me. After going sexless and doing all that I could for our sexual relationship, I happened upon an online group much like this one. After corresponding with a couple of the ladies (no, I did not send dick pics), One zeroed in on me. She was in Cape Cod, but she visited her sister often. Her sister happened to live 30 miles north of me.
We talked about a lot of stuff online, including sex and kids. Eventually, she came down to Florida where we met in a hotel room. Within a minute after meeting, we were having sex. We met three more times, including two weekends at the beach. Distance broke us up, but I am so grateful to what she gave me. She made me feel like a man again.
I had another last summer, which also restored my male ego. For me, the affairs have reminded me what I have missed. I felt less sorry for myself, and self pity can be fatal for me.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 10, 2016 0:39:05 GMT -5
skguy, I wonder if you have any sort of support group in your area for family members of the mentally ill or any caregivers. I have been attending a NAMI family support group for years. I also took a Family to Family class offered by NAMI that has helped me survive my wife's illness. That class taught me a lot of skills in dealing with my wife when she has been in an episode. Since I believe you are in Saskatchewan, there may be a local chapter of the CMHA around. CMHA has been offering some of the NAMI programs. If they are not available in your area, check around. You may be able to get a grant to start one in your area. Being a spouse to someone mentally ill is tough. I go from being angry at her for being sick to feeling guilty over the anger. It became a vicious cycle until I got counseling for myself. There are two truths I have learned about mental illness: 1. People may have the same diagnosis, but they don't have the same illness. I know schizophrenics who are completely competent people. Others will never make it out of the hospital again. Your wife is your wife, regardless of the diagnosis. And don't be surprised if the diagnosis changes. 2. It's not your fault if you are sick, but it is your responsibility to take care of yourself. If you have a cold, it's not your fault. But that does not mean you get to sneeze and cough over other people. It's good that your wife accepts her illness, but she has the responsibility to get her behavior in check. I have also learned the LEAP program from Dr. Xaviar Amador, which is a great technique for dealing with someone in a psychotic episode. But even with all this, I still feel overwhelmed. Sometimes I think I a fireman, responding to the same damn house fire all the damn time. The lack of sex hasn't helped. I know the drugs affect my wife's libido. But she never went to consult either her psychiatrist or a gynecologist about ways to improve her sex drive. It's her body and her responsibility. I want to help my wife as much as I can, but in reality, I don't really have a marriage. What I am is a single father with two children. One of the children is 50 years old and will never grow up. I am making progress to where I can get my own life back with as little stress to my wife as much as possible.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 9, 2016 21:35:08 GMT -5
petrushka, I debate whether it's worse to stay with someone mentally ill. If my wife stayed in denial about her illness and refused any treatment, the question would be easily solved. I would leave in a heartbeat. But my wife does battle her illness. She told the voices that bothered her to shut up, because she wasn't going to listen. When she finally got on psychiatric meds, she was quite robotic. I almost wanted the crazy version of her back. But I told her psychiatrist, who promptly added an anti-depressant to cut the robotic effect. Her emotion came back. But now she has settled into a rut, avoiding lots in life. Her illness has worn me down. I don't just miss sex. I miss a partner who understands how I feel. I love listening to music. She hates having any radio or TV on. Sorry about your old girlfriend, but it sounds like she was working towards wellness. It is a difficult path. Whether I stay married to my wife or not, I will always help her try to stay healthy.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 9, 2016 18:26:18 GMT -5
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Post by obobfla on Jun 9, 2016 17:50:50 GMT -5
Quick add to news coverage of suicides. I worked at a newspaper years ago. We would never report on a suicide unless the person committed it in public or was well-known. Coverage does cause others to contemplate suicide and adds to the family's grief. The news outlets I know do their best to report on suicide as responsibly as they can. It is a tough call for them.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 9, 2016 17:46:11 GMT -5
Having a family member who is mentally ill, I have spent plenty of time on mental health issues. I have had friends who have taken their own lives and others who lost family members. There have also been times I have been in so much emotional anguish that I have wondered whether it would be better to end it all. Fortunately, I never acted on those feelings.
Here is what I believe are the greatest factors in the increase in suicide, based on what I know: - Lack of mental health facilities: Years ago, we threw the insane into jails. People said that was cruel, so we built mental hospitals. But then people said that mental hospitals were cruel, so we closed them down. So where do we send mentally ill people now? Jail. The three facilities with the most mentally ill patients are the Los Angeles County Jail, the Cook County Jail, and Riker's Island. -Veterans: Many of them are coming home from combat ill-equipped to handle civilian life. An average of 22 veterans a day commit suicide. -Lack of opportunity: People are not as upwardly mobile as they were in the past. They have less hope that life will get better.
Not only have I married someone mentally ill, I have gotten to know a lot of people who are seriously mentally ill yet manage to thrive. A schizophrenic I know is one of the best fathers I know. He has held together dealing with a stepson who has been violently mentally ill, being a rock for his family. Another man with schizo-affective disorder started a drop-in center for the homeless and the severely mentally ill.
In dealing with them, I have come to realize that we all have the same delusions and paranoia as they do. The difference between a healthy person and a mentally ill person is the healthy person can put the brakes on those thoughts and emotions. For some reason, a mentally ill person lacks those brakes. There are times I talk to my wife about my fears and horrible thoughts, and she understands. Yet I can overcome mine. She can't. I try to tell her how I overcome mine, but she just can't comprehend it.
A lot of us know how to swim. But there are those of us who experience a tsunami of fear and despair that they drown in it. That is suicide.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 9, 2016 17:06:38 GMT -5
I'm just repeating what I've said elsewhere - sorry for sounding like a broken record. I believe that you can only love another as much as you truly love and accept yourself. I think our refusers have too many of their own demons and ultimately, just don't have the love to give. In their own twisted and inadequate way, they love us. But it's broken love. And broken love just doesn't cut it. I'm not going to claim that I have no issues. For starters, how the hell did I end up with this kind of marriage? I chose this man. What were/are my issues that I have allowed this for so long? That I decided somehow this was all I was worth? I've sorted a lot of this out in therapy and I think that's what brought me here - realizing the situation for what it is and beginning to claw my way out. No matter how long it takes me. And right now, it's looking like a long haul. My wife has a broken love because she has a broken mind. She tries to care for me, but she always forgets how. Right now she is fixing dinner. The side dish is lasagna noodles - not lasagna - just the noodles. She is incapable of even planning a simple meal. Yesterday, she did laundry. I found my permanent press clothing sprawled out on my bed. I have explained to her many times that permanent press must go on a hanger to keep them from wrinkling. She agrees but then forgets. If she were my employee, I would fire her. As it is, she is on disability. There is no way she can hold a job. What seems simple to the rest of us is difficult for her. She is a college graduate, yet she can't do any simple planning. It's very sad and frustrating.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 9, 2016 13:21:37 GMT -5
Respite care, but not a lot for the mentally ill. She isn't that bad yet. I do know of a woman who had to put her son into care to protect the rest of her family.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 8, 2016 17:05:28 GMT -5
On that line of thinking, more "You should be grateful" statements:
"I washed the dishes last week, so you know I help around the house" "I only kill bad people" "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to kill him. I was just trying to maim him" "I can't believe they won't accept a four-party check!" "Can't you give me credit for putting my name on the test? I spelled that right"
One of the reasons we get married is to have a steady sex partner. It's part of the deal. I will not go sleep around, get infectious diseases, and father children with other women if you have frequent sex with me. Even the Catholic Church, no friend of the institution of divorce, lists refusing sex as a reason to annul a marriage. Without sex, we're just friends.
You can be grateful that you have a nice guy who pays his bills as your roommate. But you signed up for a marriage. Remember, the "love, honor, and cherish?" Sex is the cherish part.
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