Post by novembercomingfire on Sept 13, 2017 11:36:25 GMT -5
I am in the active divorce process, charting an escape from a sexless prison of over twenty years. I moved out of my home two months ago. I see my children on weekends, although this will change in the near future to every other weekend. My life, at present, isn't really better and in some ways feels worse. In fact, it is pretty empty and cold almost all of the time. I am the long term prisoner, sentenced to life without parole, who locked the door with his own key. When I realized that I had the key and theoretically could let myself out, I found that the lock had rusted. So I blew up the prison. This seems to have done a great deal of damage to everyone but my Ex. So with the downtime that I have, alone and without much else to do, I have had a lot of opportunity for reflection. Trying to figure out where it all went wrong for me. This post outlines some of my reflections.
1. I am financially ruined. It is very unlikely that I will be able to pull myself out of my financial hole in my lifetime. As of now, I will never be able to retire. I have a semi-productive professional life, doing something that I don't really like and that doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things solely in order to support my Ex and children, and to service my debt. The debt load began by my making certain educational decisions based on what my Ex wanted twenty some odd years ago. So, I have spent my time as the sole income producer, making x while the family expended 2x. I have never been able to crawl out. I will not be able to do so in the short term with child and spousal support. My Ex will take 50% of my retirement savings. I will not be able to survive later on what is left. Hence no retirement.
2. I am stuck without activities or friends. I invested everything that I had in the relationship with my Ex. I commuted 3+ hours a day so we could live in the neighborhood that my Ex wanted. Accordingly, I had approximately 3 hours a day to commit to anything outside of work, sleep, and my commute, which I elected to spend with my Ex and children. They do not remember this, apparently. So I never took the time to meet people or forge friendships. I find it difficult to do so now, given these limitations, and also the fact that I do not have money to throw at activities, hobbies, etc.
3. My Ex has a very poor memory, and does not remember our relationship as having any good points. Apparently as of late she does not believe me to have any good qualities either. This to me feels like twenty years of my life not only was wasted, but any good that I did was erased and/or not appreciated. All of the chore play, servitude, jumping through hoops and she merely says that we had no sexual/intimate life because I never did the things that were necessary for her to feel like I deserved it.
4. Having given my Ex and children everything that they ever asked for and expected, now they cannot understand why their lifestyle should not be equal to what it has always been (strangely, notwithstanding my Ex's assessment that I never did enough, never made enough, wasn't ambitious enough, etc.). My eldest child is in college. I cannot afford to maintain three households, three car payments, etc. (mine, my Ex and younger children's, and my eldest's). See item 1.
5. I no longer trust anyone, and I do not see any likelihood that I will have another relationship, and thus no sex unless I have the means to pay for it. Which, see item 1. Maybe this is for the best. At least at present I do not see that I have anything to offer someone else, and when the family courts are finished with me, it will likely be this way for a good long while. I really don't like spending all of my time alone. There isn't anything wrong with it, and maybe this is what I get, but I sure wished for something more than this when I was young.
So I am left with the clear understanding that twenty years ago, when I made the decision to get married and have children, I established a prison that really could never be escaped. Whether I later found myself alone or not. It has all been a great series of mistakes, predicated on the biggest of mistakes. I can't even fathom what erroneous thinking made me decide to have anything to do with this woman. Low self-esteem is about all I can come up with. The only way for me to have saved myself would have been to never walk down this road in the first place. I don't really think that I am redeemable at this point.
I don't think that further reflection or posts on this will be beneficial to anyone, so I will try to leave it pretty much at that. I do appreciate the forum, and now the rant is over for now ...
1. I am financially ruined. It is very unlikely that I will be able to pull myself out of my financial hole in my lifetime. As of now, I will never be able to retire. I have a semi-productive professional life, doing something that I don't really like and that doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things solely in order to support my Ex and children, and to service my debt. The debt load began by my making certain educational decisions based on what my Ex wanted twenty some odd years ago. So, I have spent my time as the sole income producer, making x while the family expended 2x. I have never been able to crawl out. I will not be able to do so in the short term with child and spousal support. My Ex will take 50% of my retirement savings. I will not be able to survive later on what is left. Hence no retirement.
2. I am stuck without activities or friends. I invested everything that I had in the relationship with my Ex. I commuted 3+ hours a day so we could live in the neighborhood that my Ex wanted. Accordingly, I had approximately 3 hours a day to commit to anything outside of work, sleep, and my commute, which I elected to spend with my Ex and children. They do not remember this, apparently. So I never took the time to meet people or forge friendships. I find it difficult to do so now, given these limitations, and also the fact that I do not have money to throw at activities, hobbies, etc.
3. My Ex has a very poor memory, and does not remember our relationship as having any good points. Apparently as of late she does not believe me to have any good qualities either. This to me feels like twenty years of my life not only was wasted, but any good that I did was erased and/or not appreciated. All of the chore play, servitude, jumping through hoops and she merely says that we had no sexual/intimate life because I never did the things that were necessary for her to feel like I deserved it.
4. Having given my Ex and children everything that they ever asked for and expected, now they cannot understand why their lifestyle should not be equal to what it has always been (strangely, notwithstanding my Ex's assessment that I never did enough, never made enough, wasn't ambitious enough, etc.). My eldest child is in college. I cannot afford to maintain three households, three car payments, etc. (mine, my Ex and younger children's, and my eldest's). See item 1.
5. I no longer trust anyone, and I do not see any likelihood that I will have another relationship, and thus no sex unless I have the means to pay for it. Which, see item 1. Maybe this is for the best. At least at present I do not see that I have anything to offer someone else, and when the family courts are finished with me, it will likely be this way for a good long while. I really don't like spending all of my time alone. There isn't anything wrong with it, and maybe this is what I get, but I sure wished for something more than this when I was young.
So I am left with the clear understanding that twenty years ago, when I made the decision to get married and have children, I established a prison that really could never be escaped. Whether I later found myself alone or not. It has all been a great series of mistakes, predicated on the biggest of mistakes. I can't even fathom what erroneous thinking made me decide to have anything to do with this woman. Low self-esteem is about all I can come up with. The only way for me to have saved myself would have been to never walk down this road in the first place. I don't really think that I am redeemable at this point.
I don't think that further reflection or posts on this will be beneficial to anyone, so I will try to leave it pretty much at that. I do appreciate the forum, and now the rant is over for now ...