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Post by solitarysoul on Feb 11, 2021 12:55:24 GMT -5
Done. Done. Done. Done..... nothing wrong with that... regardless of what this board says. I too am done. I failed when i tried. I wasn't like or wanted when i was younger, in better shape, and had a real future. Now i have none of those and i am so wanting to just be done. Let me be. She lives on her side, i live on my side. I have never been desired or wanted and it wont happen now. Sometimes its just nice to be over that and be done.... (Nothing in ILIASM says you cant be done, and figuring out what to do with the rest of your life... it just means for me, like the rest of my life, i am in the minority... once you cross the line of being done, a weight lifts....)
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Post by solitarysoul on Nov 24, 2020 16:22:56 GMT -5
I know this is not what the original post intended... but i am not what was intended either.... From another point of view....
In reality, having sex is ENTIRELY dictated by others... if you are talking about intercourse and not solo-sex, then it takes two to tango.
Do you think it was my CHOICE to be a virgin until 28?... No, it was the decision of society and the world around me. Can't do it if there are no willing partners, so in the end its not your decision. How many men would be willing tonight but instead will sit at a strip club, or go on a date with Rosie Palm?
I have barely had any sex my whole life... and not by choice. Natural selection has chosen me out... i know some of the beautiful and wonderful people here will not understand but this is the truth. (and i know some of you will blame me. I know who you are... so step away from the keyboard; I don't need it) Brad Pitt and Sofia Vergara may never struggle... but aging, graying, plain faced criminals, slowly gaining weight in this corner, will always be on the outside looking in.
Others HAVE dictated that i not get sex.
That is the way....
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Post by solitarysoul on Nov 18, 2020 10:45:21 GMT -5
Watching an old episode of Card Sharks from 1978 on Pluto TV...
The questions are based on the answers to polls they take...
They asked 100 married Italian men in Milan, Italy, "Is it OK for a married man to have a mistress?"... the answer... 64 married men said it was OK. The next question was asked of 100 married WOMEN in Milan, Italy, "Is it OK for married man to have a mistress?"... the answer....83 married women said it was OK.
What did i learn today?... I need to invent a time machine and go to Milan in 1978.....
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Post by solitarysoul on Nov 18, 2020 10:40:29 GMT -5
Legal issues aside...
For many, especially here in the puritanical U.S., religion plays into it also... and is the basis of many laws.... how does organized religion (for those that participate) view infidelity....
If you were married in a church, what did your vows say?
Laws and societal view are based on the most stringent interpretation, not the most common or most popular or most reasonable intrepretation. (the strictest 5%)
But i hate talking about religion... its as bad as politics... no one wins, everyone gets upset.
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Post by solitarysoul on Oct 14, 2020 21:53:02 GMT -5
Nope...she was right... I am horrible...and women are always repulsed by me... They just use me to their advantage... I don't know why I am here... It's clear I have given up...
I enjoyed this board a lot more 5 years ago... now to move on to things not involving sex... Start new tomorrow.
I guess I have my answer...
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Post by solitarysoul on Oct 14, 2020 18:36:47 GMT -5
Why torture yourself thinking of what might have been, solitarysoul? I really have no desire to meet you because you sound horrible. I'm sure other women would be repulsed, too, from the way you talk. Don't take that the wrong way. I'm just saying that I think you might be happier if you just stop thinking about sex and what might have been. Clearly, you're meant to always be alone. You've decided it already. And maybe that even means this isn't the right forum for you. I don't say that to push you away. I'm still just not clear why you're here. 🤷♀️ Fair enough... I even repulse women here... I guess coming back was a bad idea. I won't do this any longer. Sorry for messing up the board.
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Post by solitarysoul on Oct 14, 2020 16:15:55 GMT -5
mirrororchid, You do have a way of being inquisitive without forcing me to be defensive. Your questions are worth asking... That is what i mean by "is it safe" to post in the folder... I don't like being put on the defensive with regards to my decisions. Does anyone think that helps?... It only pushes me away further, builds walls. That is what i mean about being safe here.
Non-monogamy may make sense to many people here... but its not socially, or legally accepted in the US. I already have a strike against me, i don't need to add adultery to that. and i could not live with myself anyway.. not how i was raised. But i do understand the arguments.
I have known a few swingers in years past... and that works for them because they have the sexual intimacy with their partner in many cases and the rest is for physical enjoyment. Yes, i know you can separate the two.. and that often works.. and sounds like a nice idea... but i go back to my previous point about being socially (or legally) accepted. The swingers i knew admitted it felt like a very underground, behind closed door world.
True, this marriage is much more of her vision. But as i have learned, i am a "people pleaser".. always have been every since i was a child. That is a well known personality trait. Its unlikely to change with another partner... i have always preferred to sacrifice of myself than to cause pain or problems for others. Whether it is the current W .. or another.
well, who wouldn't like to be desired? It can be a real nice feeling. But even if they do, i don't believe them most of the time. I have spent most of my life being rejected by women... dozens... so i am more than suspicious when they don't. Some even use the opportunity to make fun of and laugh at me... my defenses are up. But who wouldnt like to be that guy... when i was about 30, i gave it a real try.. some nice clothes, a confident attitude, tried to get out there... but i was so out of the game...and didnt know how to play the game... it ended up in failure.. except the W showed up at the end.
Agreed, if it walked in my door... at this point, i don't think i could handle or use it... 45+ years of this has been very damaging to me... i am very broken when it comes to sex. I hold nothing against women in general. I just know that i am not what MOST of them want... and i do NOT create desire within them. So go on my way... kicking the rock down the path. But its nice to think of what might have been
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Post by solitarysoul on Oct 14, 2020 12:13:55 GMT -5
Are you still getting therapy? Sounds like it might be helpful for you to have some one on one attention from a caring human. Good luck. I have been seeing a counselor for 2 1/2 years... but that is mostly about my criminal conviction which has caused massive damage to myself emotionally. My counselor has never met my W so she feels its not appropriate to speak on the state of my marriage, only about my feelings and how i take care of myself. We can't control others... While its nice to speak of a country of second chances and redemption... it is absolutely not true. Many of us carry a label and burden due our legal issues...until we find a grave. Tomorrow or next month....
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Post by solitarysoul on Oct 13, 2020 18:40:09 GMT -5
Kids know, see, and understand more than most give them credit for....
For this reason, glad i don't have any....
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Post by solitarysoul on Oct 13, 2020 18:37:24 GMT -5
After all these years, I just want people to accept my decision to stay... And not challenge me at every turn as to my decision... For this, I have made my decision.... Please accept and respect it... If to get that, I have to stay in this subgroup, I will... Seems I get challenged at every turn outside this group when I post in the other subgroups. The options tend to be Stay Cheat Leave. Cheating is a form of staying. Included in that unsavory word are informed non-monogamy and (ideally) polyamory. Having a partner your spouse knows about. So when you want folks to respect the decision to stay, does that rule out an additional partner to attend to the specific issue that characterizes an SM? It helps if your requested boundary is specific. (especially for hippies like Jerri and me) Your talk of your ability to do without sex hints you have a capacity to be voluntarily asexual. If lack of sex isn't grating your nerves, you're a bit unusual for this forum. ILIASMaICWIL "I live in a sexless marriage and I'm cool with it, largely." We can cope, but let us switch gears. If the lack of sex isn't the issue, I suppose it becomes general communication, interaction issues? Is there a complaint at all? Do you need anything? Why are you here? Maybe you're asking that yourself? Thank you for your words... They certainly don't feel like they are meant to arouse conflict or be confrontational ... but are more thought provoking... For me, cheating/non-monogamy just doesn't work. It feels too wrong in my head. It may be fine for some, but i would hate myself too much over it. I already have self esteem issues. Even dabbling in this idea proved it to me. I am not sure how an additional partner to attend to my issues would not be wrong in my situation. My W would NEVER feel ok about that. and nor would I. I can understand whereas some might... or might feel happy that it makes their partner happy. But not a lot of people (in my experience) have that luxury. Sex can be enjoyed more in the context of an intimate relationship. I have a lot of struggles being comfortable with my own sexuality and even more when it comes to expressing it. No one, certainly not women, get a sexual vibe from me... i measure 0 on the sexual Geiger counter.... Do i have the capacity to be asexual? Well its been most of my life, so yes, i suppose i do. It does NOT mean that i don't get turned on, or that i don't think about sex... it means i know the reality is that i will not be having sex. So i take care of my own needs. My life and my experience has taught me that its the only way to deal with my sexual feelings. Some people reach for others when they are "in the mood". I retreat to a quiet private room... its the only way life has taught me to handle sexual feelings. Sure i wish i had developed a proper and healthy sexual life, but it never happened. And W has her own issues.. and at this age, most of that boat has sailed. I wouldn't say a lack of sex isn't an issue... its just one i don't see being resolved. So i need to be careful at how much time i spend yelling at the wind. Yes, there are general communication issues... with her vastly different work schedule and health issues, we sleep at different ends of the house... we pass in the kitchen... that's hard some times. You cant really have a reasonable sex life if you don't have some level of connection. How many people here have lost that intimate connection for other reasons? Do i need anything?... just an understand ear sometimes... most people cannot begin to understand where i am at... most guys have told me they would have left long ago... but the situation is more complicated that that. People here at least have some level of understanding of where you are at. That's why i am here... to try to be around others who can understand what it feels like... to have an appreciation. If i want to rant, i do. if i want to self pity i do...My time in counseling has taught me how interconnected so many of my issues are... my solitude in my youth, my lack of learning to connect with females, my lack of experience in sex (and love for that matter), and now the ramifications of a lifetime of this and what it has done to me, my brain, my body, my soul. I don't know that i have ever found a place that i feel sexually safe....
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Post by solitarysoul on Oct 12, 2020 16:41:38 GMT -5
yep... i have been through this 1,001 times... i am not interested in being challenged on my decision to stay. My situation is not so easy to say that i should leave if i am not getting laid.
For example, your spouse gets in a car accident and ends up paralyzed.. do you leave because she can't bounce on your lap anymore?... My situation isnt far from it... and i carry significant baggage too....i just want a place where no one is on my case... I was a virgin until 28, so i know how to go without sex... i know i am unattractive to most people (in more ways than one).. let it go.
Jerri, i can understand.. i too have a lot to lose in separation, 95% of it I brought in as i am the saver, the investor.. not the spender.
yeah, the internet... 95% bad.... 5% good.... and 95% the reason i have problems.
I have had enough bashing over the years... 6 years has it been on this site? Maybe more?
I can live without getting laid... i made it the first 28 years fine... and the last 10 years too... i will survive... just not the way others do... People who only focus on sex as being the source of happiness, seem to miss a lot of other things too... but to each their own.
Dont judge my decision... if you want to, come to NY and spend a week with me first...
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Post by solitarysoul on Oct 11, 2020 21:52:08 GMT -5
After all these years, I just want people to accept my decision to stay... And not challenge me at every turn as to my decision... For this, I have made my decision.... Please accept and respect it...
If to get that, I have to stay in this subgroup, I will... Seems I get challenged at every turn outside this group when I post in the other subgroups.
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Post by solitarysoul on Oct 11, 2020 16:12:08 GMT -5
I have been on these boards for years...since the EP days....under more than one name.... And I am still staying in my marriage...11 years now.
If this a safe place?...seems when I post anywhere else on this board I get drilled on my decision to stay.
No one can judge my decision, and many here do, until then have walked in my shoes.
I am no saint in this matter...I have a lot of baggage...lots...and I have my issues and problems...not including my SM. I dont need to add divorce to the mess to.
What do I want???... Just a sympathetic ear...others who understand but don't judge...or try to change your mind... My story is spread out on these pages...I know I am not alone...I also know that no one hear has my same story...
Is it safe?
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Post by solitarysoul on Aug 27, 2020 16:12:27 GMT -5
I thought this an interesting question when it came up in a recent thread.
Why do you come here? For the community? To get answers on how to improve your sexless marriage? To help with getting the strength to get out? To help others now that you have gotten out?
Some people have been year for many years.... some are no longer in their SM and are getting banged too often to get online.... some are happy... some are not but are content.
I have been around since the Experience Project ILIASM thread days in one for or another. Sometimes gone for years at a time. My marriage situation is no different but i didn't expect it to be. I don't look for answers here because i know that my situation (and many others) are far to complicated with too many details that just can't be understood through a few posts. For some, no sex means LEAVE NOW. But not for all. And for some there are complicating factors (health, kids, financial, etc). I do like the community of others who can at least appreciate my situation.
But no one here has ever actually met me. years ago there were some ILIASM get togethers.... a few people got to. Not possible in a pandemic... but maybe a zoom meeting....
but i like knowing i am not alone... and i can make my own decisions... but it is nice to at least hear others take on things.
I have had almost no sex in my life... So I doubt anything would change either way...but it's something to think about...
So why are you here?...
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Post by solitarysoul on Aug 27, 2020 9:18:57 GMT -5
I have been learning so much about how the universe works by watching "Cosmos" hosted by Neil DeGrasse-Tyson... the 2013 episodes are available on Disney+.
Fascinating stuff.... from talking about molecules right up to the expanses of the universe... to how dogs came to be as well as the small life forms on the earth...
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