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Post by solitarysoul on Aug 26, 2017 13:35:25 GMT -5
To me this question gets so much harder if you started on the same page sexually but people changed over the course of the marriage, as we ALL do...and then you find yourself in different places....
There in lies the real pain.
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Post by solitarysoul on Aug 26, 2017 13:09:49 GMT -5
Love is a vague term...I can love my grandma, I can love my mom, and even my W....without them doing anything for me. Maybe I set a low bar. Actually no bar. I also believe love and sex can be very separate feelings (but not always)...I had a sexual experience or two that were purely physical...and I loved people who didn't love me back.... and with whom I never had sex. Yes, real fulfilling love would be both...but that seems to be in the minority.
Sex can get so complicated between medical issues, mental issues...it always seems to bring out the worst in so many situations...I just don't expect anything...but maybe it's simplier for others...
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Post by solitarysoul on Aug 26, 2017 10:23:34 GMT -5
On these boards we often forget about love when talking about sex...thru it all I still love my W, I wish we had a more physical relationship but it doesn't take from how I feel about her...I believe she still loves me. I am sure she gets frustrated with me a lot...we have our differences but I do believe she loves me.
Or maybe I am a fool...but I wouldn't be the first...
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Post by solitarysoul on Aug 20, 2017 21:19:49 GMT -5
We all change as we age...and for most, libido tapers as we age....the trick is we may lose libido as different rates...
In the end, communication and respect can get strong couples through.... But only a few ever get in those types of strong relationships....
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Post by solitarysoul on Aug 17, 2017 6:44:02 GMT -5
Celibatejoe, I totally get it....for me, I have explored this idea in the thread about "losing it" in the sexuality folder...
I also feel like I have faked attraction too much. I spent all my years before 30 being rejected by women I was attracted to and finding the only women who were interested in me were ones I had no interest in. It was soul crushing. Maybe I too was ego-stroking but at the same time I also felt the need to find someone who wanted me... The constant rejection or 1 date and then rejection was going to kill me ( yes, I have faced suicide a few times in my life).
I too have never really connected. It was mostly a physical activity. While I have only had sex a couple dozen times in my whole life (40+), never have experiences put me on top of any mountain. I guess that's why I just use masturbation and get by in my SM......
Many (even my W) would say I have missed out on a lot in life...and now I feel it winding down....and I face my demon and where I ended up.... Clearly the lesser.
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Post by solitarysoul on Aug 16, 2017 13:37:26 GMT -5
What led you to marry her? What attracted you to her? For me... We had a lot in common, shared interests, and no desire for children...and she accepted me for exactly who I was, something no woman had yet to do in 30 years...sex was occasional and fine....she cared about me..we had been together a few years....the relationship never had a reason to end so it naturally drifted to what it became...
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Post by solitarysoul on Aug 16, 2017 10:33:59 GMT -5
There are some legitimate situations when a sexless marriage may be "OK" - Both parties have a similarly-aligned low libido and agree that sex is not important to either. - A legitimate doctor-diagnosed medical condition precludes PIV sex. However, unless that condition is paralysis, other avenues of satisfying your partner are available (hell, even if paralyzed the mouth still works). - You and the refusing spouse have an otherwise happy marriage, have talked about it, and outsourcing is OK. There are also illegitimate reasons as well - Partner doesn't has a low libido and has unilaterally decided that sex is not important. - Partner got married for the trappings of marriage, but did the "bait and switch" thing on intimacy until the words "I do" were uttered. - Sex should only be for procreation (whether squeamish about the act itself or some kind of religious thinking) - Safety / Security / Status is much more important than actually keeping the marriage healthy Most of us here, by definition, fall into the illegitimate reasons category. But there are no legitimate reasons why unilateral refusal is acceptable (or smart...the unfulfilled partner will eventually cheat or leave). As my sister said when I told her about my SM and that I was getting a divorce: "She refused to sleep with you for 3 years? What the fuck did she think would happen?" Exactly! I do believe that are a lot of refuser' out there who are refuser' by virtue of choice. They aren't incapable of having or enjoying sex, simply they are perfectly happy completely without or with the odd scattering of sexual encounters when they feel unusually horny. Or they have lost the ability to feel horny for a variety of medical reasons...
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Post by solitarysoul on Aug 16, 2017 10:32:27 GMT -5
What I have learned is that it is very important to nurture and take care of myself. That's not selfish. One can't take care of anyone well if you are you let yourself go. I've also learn to stop basically being the universal tit. And I've learned to stop being a martyr and to stop being in relationships in which I do all of the giving. It's amazing how quickly dependent people can find new protectors. It's possible for you to wish your wife well while also letting go. Think about it: Most women outlive their spouse by more than 6 years. The longer you take over her responsibilities, the harder it will be for her to learn those things, which she likely will have to do even if you never divorce. Oh marriage is going to drastically shortened my life...that's for sure...but given her health problems....I don't see her lasting terribly long either... I do what I need to do for me...I never changed that. And trust me, she won't learn to do the other things....she just won't. (Yes, you can just ignore every notice the bank sends you without even opening it, until it really goes bad and they knock on your door...she did before we married!) I am not a martyr...I still do my thing...I just don't get any, just the same as before I was married...
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Post by solitarysoul on Aug 16, 2017 10:22:11 GMT -5
My caring about people is not dependent on what they do for me...I care about people I have never personally met...I am highly empathetic...I am more than willing to take the knife if it prevents pain and hurt for other people. Nothing bothers me more than causing hurt to other people...I don't hate her for the lack of sex...and I still want to see her happy....that still brightens my day....but I guess that makes me look like a pushover to people here.... It's not that I don't care about her. I'm just done NOT caring about myself. I don't hate her for the lack of sex... yet. But I can't go on living for her at the expense of myself if she isn't willing to do that for me. The longer this goes on, the worse I get. I never saw it before but it's been turning me into another person for years. This isn't who I want to be and I had been burying myself this whole time. It's not about what I get out of it. It's about what she's not willing to give. I'm happy to be a pushover for someone who loves me and cares about me enough to take my needs into consideration. I won't be a doormat for someone to use anymore. I get what you are saying....I guess for me, marriage didn't change much. I had a house before her, still have one, just one more car to wash.... She buys groceries most of the time....I pay the bills....I don't feel that I had to give anything up or change due to marriage...I am always busy with projects, clean the house, take care of my sexual needs during alone time...just as I did for all those years before I got married...seems to just be more of the same old for me... But maybe the problem lies in that I didn't change with marriage....
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Post by solitarysoul on Aug 16, 2017 8:45:33 GMT -5
When I considered divorce, I was concerned about my husband since the only friends he had were my friends.my closest friends, people who knew the truth of my marriage, told me I needed to worry about myself. I was a s the one who was in danger of living in misery. They said my husband would be fine. When I finally decided to divorce, it ended up my husband had a mistress and plenty of friends abroad. The only thing I regret is living so much of my past life to try to make his life easier and happy. I wish I had paid more attention to my own needs and happiness. I am living a very happy life now, including with romantic love, but I wish I had started doing that earlier. It is important to love oneself and to take care of oneself. You have no responsibility to take care of a spouse who doesn't give a damn about your own needs. You situation was different than mine...we (as a couple) have no friends...I do a lot of things with her as she has no one to do them with...she has medical issues, serious depression, serious family problems....and abandonment issues.... I do not see her being fine.... I am glad you found love and fulfillment... I have been rejected by women my whole life so now that I am less a man than I was, I don't expect it to be different... I was almost a real life 30yo virgin....
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Post by solitarysoul on Aug 16, 2017 8:28:38 GMT -5
I guess I try to avoid making a big deal out of any particular day....just I wish people would ignore my birthday (I prefer to quietly do my own thing that day rather than what everyone else wants) Romance and love are for TV and movies...I have not experienced them, and now feel my wife has become dependent on me and I am not one to pull that rug out...so I go about my days... If she isn't concerned about what is important to you, then why should you worry about her depending on you? Since being "awakened" I can honestly say that my wife's dependency on me has grown to be much less of a concern. If she continues to disregard my needs, then eventually I will become so cold and distant that her general welfare won't matter to me. My caring about people is not dependent on what they do for me...I care about people I have never personally met...I am highly empathetic...I am more than willing to take the knife if it prevents pain and hurt for other people. Nothing bothers me more than causing hurt to other people...I don't hate her for the lack of sex...and I still want to see her happy....that still brightens my day....but I guess that makes me look like a pushover to people here....
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Post by solitarysoul on Aug 16, 2017 7:08:44 GMT -5
Solitary soul, why are you staying with her? I guess I try to avoid making a big deal out of any particular day....just I wish people would ignore my birthday (I prefer to quietly do my own thing that day rather than what everyone else wants) Romance and love are for TV and movies...I have not experienced them, and now feel my wife has become dependent on me and I am not one to pull that rug out...so I go about my days...
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Post by solitarysoul on Aug 15, 2017 22:11:49 GMT -5
For our most recent anniversary, our 8th, she was working the evening shift for 3 days straight...our anniversary was the first of the three....so I never saw her.
It went by without a mention.
Never once has there been sex on our anniversary....not once....
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Post by solitarysoul on Aug 15, 2017 21:55:08 GMT -5
Yes, the world is so full of itself....drives me crazy....everyone thinks they are the shit....instead we have a few billion shits...I so hate it. I am the total opposite. I retire to the back of the room as fast as I can. I never self promote. I see all my faults, all my issues...no one can better put me down that me....and in someways I feel this is a counter to the self absorbed world we are now in...
When there are 6+ billion people on the earth now....can you really matter that much?
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Post by solitarysoul on Aug 14, 2017 14:44:33 GMT -5
The other day an attractive member of the opposite sex walked by so for a change i smiled and we started chatting. I would have slept with them but I had to get going, or i would be missed, back to someone who refuses me. So I don't normally smile. Whats the point ! I am not a free person. My friend, you will be having sex with someone else at some point. It may not be tomorrow, or next week, or next year. But it is going to happen. You can't live without sexual fulfillment forever. Yes you can.... I have pulled it off for over 40 years...given the drop in hormones, I suspect the next 40 will be easier....
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