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Post by solitarysoul on Dec 25, 2022 15:50:14 GMT -5
I wonder how many newbies become regulars... for longer than a few months... then its over... but i am sure some find a home.
Sex plays different roles and different levels of need among all of us. At this point, it is very low and i have found many other things that make me happier. She has learned to live her own life more and is more independent when her health is better. There is less animosity and struggle between us. Some things are just off the table. And there is a peace. But some on this site could never accept that and see it as sacrifice or missed potential. I don't... and I am sure others may come to the same place also.
When this site is bigger, with more people, and more diverse, it is a much better place. We each have to find out own solution and balance. While i wish the best for many of you, your answer is probably not my answer, but it may be for others... and welcoming of more and tolerance of more would greatly improve the ILIASM experience.
I have long since pushed the importance of sex far down my happiness list.... the last few years have shown me that i need to be happier with a simpler existence. its amazing how fast everything you know can go. And sex isnt even in the picture.
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Post by solitarysoul on Dec 21, 2022 16:36:40 GMT -5
I only drop in once a year or so... and then I see the same stuff... so I dont need to stay. I have been around since the EP days (with a different handle).
Back when I first joined, 7 or so years ago, this was a supportive place. I enjoyed being here and had friends here. I had many private conversations both in the site and outside the site. I felt supported based on my choices. But this site has changed. In recent years I did not feel supported. I was attacked by a lot of people when I didn't follow their advice/direction even though they barely knew my situation. I still see a lot of those people here. It feels like the same group drives off a lot of people.
I have chosen to live my life as I do and as I can. I accept my SM. I have only had sex twice in the last 10+ years and I really don't think I will for the rest of my life even though I am 48. I accept this and have redirected my energy elsewhere. Last time I looked, this is ILIASM, not ILIASMAIWDIIDHSS (and I will die if I don't have sex soon). To each his own... even on the Staying board I felt attacked for my decisions.
And yes, like the rest of society, this site has struggled with the partisan politics. And I strongly disagree with some very regular contributors to this site. The old days of compromise and acceptance of others is long gone. We are now a society of "believe like me and all should be as I want or we burn it to the ground!". Sad that it even shows up here...
Not sure this place will have much of future in its current state... especially with the same characters dominating the show.... I am guessing that says something about the state of our society. SMs and relationship problems are not something from one generation, there are as old as time itself.
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Post by solitarysoul on Oct 23, 2021 16:38:28 GMT -5
h, i hear you... several years ago, i realized that i was always the one reaching out to my old HS friends... never them reaching out to me. So one day, i decided to just stop. And now all these years later, i have never heard from any of them... to busy with the own lives i guess. But that did hurt. Why did they just start not caring about a friendship we have had for about 20 years?... Now, i could care less. ... they obviously did.
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Post by solitarysoul on Oct 6, 2021 7:01:32 GMT -5
I have little doubt that my W suffers from some level of depression... whether its about her family, her job, etc... but reaching out for help is not something she does. Instead she expects everyone around her to do what she wants to make her happy... In this case, it means move to Florida. Where she has always wanted to live.
theexplorer, funny you should should mention moving, or working out of the area. She wants NOTHING more right now than to move from NY to Florida... apparently that will solve all of her problems! I know it will not. It just forces me to give up my job and all i have built here that i cant or will not have easily there. We have no family or friends here any more so it makes it harder to defend being here. But i cannot move right now for a number of reasons. Also, my career is one built on relationships, experience, and contacts. I have spent 25 years building that here, to go somewhere else would be throwing a lot of it away and also seriously hurt my income stream. But she expects it because it will meet HER needs. Screw mine.
You mention friends... outside of work, i have none. I do have one closer friend in the office who i can talk to... and that does feel good. My W has a couple she might see outside of work, but other than that we are alone. The holidays are just us sitting at a table. That would depress anyone, let alone someone in a marriage like ours... and this got worse with COVID. I cannot openly travel so she does... on her own.
I totally agree on the sleep thing... i have had so many things stressing me lately... my sleep has really suffered... and i havent felt well in a few months. Trying to get more sleep as my nights have been restless and full of bad dreams. At least the last 2 nights have been better.. if only i didnt have to get up to go to work....
I have totally forgotten what that magical feeling of love is like.. and that alone is a devastating thought.. its been gone for so many years. I do remember that i was such a happy feeling. Sucks not having it.
Re-reading what i just wrote is depressing in itself... i guess that is why i have a therapist... besides, thats the only time i hear something good about myself.
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Post by solitarysoul on Sept 29, 2021 7:03:58 GMT -5
baza... I hurt for you....honestly...
Last year, we lost 2 of our 5 dogs... Lexi, a Westie, was our/my first dog ever... and i loved that little white dog more than i ever understood...From the moment we brought her home. In the last year of her life, she had begun deteriorating with pulmonary fibrosis... and eventually she was too weak and she couldnt get enough air. So late that Saturday night, i let her go. i laid on a mat on the floor with her, rubbing noses, rubbing under her collar, telling her how much i loved her and how she meant the world to me... and then she passed...with the help of the vet. leaving her behind as i drove home,.. alone.... was one of the hardest things in my life... i cry even now....
Then, just 4 months later, little 5 pound Sasha, a Yorkie, had to have surgery for bladder cancer. The surgery was a success, but she went into kidney failure in the days afterwards... we did everything we could but eventually were told she would not recover.. just get worse and worse... so again, i sat in the hospital, alone with her in my arms, doing the same thing i did with Lexi just 5 months earlier... and had to let that little bundle of life and happiness cross the rainbow bridge.
Lexi was almost 14, Sasha was almost 12... In some ways we were lucky to have all those years. And i hope those years of happiness with that guy gives you such great memories. I still miss my girls. Our other 3 dogs all have different personalities and none are the same as Lexi or Sasha. Just like people, they cant be replaced.
The worst part of pets is knowing that you will lose them someday. The best part is they remind you of unconditional love and loyalty. Those last days of giving Lexi and Sasha their medicine, or trying to help them in anyway I could seems to pale in comparison to what they did for my life.
Our other 3 are all rescue dogs... and we have spent many years working with a local rescue group... we fostered over 50 dogs.. helping them getting adjusted, finding new homes...I still feel that was one of the best things we have done.. it happened because of Lexi and Sasha... my love for them made me want to help other dogs...
I am sure Gyro knew he was loved... and in some ways its wonderful to know how much you loved them, but with it always comes some pain from the loss. I still go between the happiness they brought me and the pain of the emptiness on the couch where they used to sit.
It makes me want to do more for Karli, Lily, and Sherlock... especially since Sherlock lost his sight just 3 months after we lost Sasha. But all this, despite the struggles of my marriage, reminds me of my capacity to love and to be loved, unconditionally. Even if it was a couple of spunky terriers and not another person.
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Post by solitarysoul on Sept 28, 2021 6:52:38 GMT -5
having faced suicide for 30 years now, and having been closer than ever in the last few years, I certainly can attest to the connection of mental and physical. The mental struggles lead to fatigue, lack of sleep, etc which makes me feel worse... today is one of those days... just so exhausted and its not yet 8am. I wonder how much of my physical issues over the last 3 years have been due to my mental and emotional struggles.
theexplorer, you are so lucky to have had someone recognize your struggles. I have not. My W is so wrapped up in her own issues and she just calls me grumpy all the time (which is not true). She has to always be the victim so i expect no help there. My parents live over 1,000 miles away. I only see them once or twice a year. And i can't travel so that doesn't help. Due to WFH, the one friend i have in this world, i only see maybe once every 2 weeks...
Death doesnt sound so bad when you realize there would be no one to even miss you. My W would be more concerned about herself....and my one friend might be the only one there.
I also realize how much being with someone else who is depressed hurts you. Imagine being married to one.... Her issues are some of my strongest reasons to give up going on.
I am struggling like many to find a purpose (other than being the one to do everything for my W)... I used to find that in my work. But now they have announced they are selling the company to a much larger company... so that ends all that i had built in my current job...
I think things for me are even worse since i am not in control of my own life anymore... and that is a terrible place to be.\
I remain in therapy... but for totally different reasons than i started... As now that i am crossing that line from being "younger" to being "older", i dont think i will ever get away from those suicidal feelings... they are too much of an escape... but i do know that edge gets real close sometimes.
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Post by solitarysoul on Sept 27, 2021 10:42:39 GMT -5
As all have been saying... "I just want it to stop"... has been so much of my life the last few years.. and continues to be... And knowing this is from outside forces over which i have NO control, makes it even harder... Imagine that all the things that are pushing you to the brink are thing you cannot control in ANY way (dont tell me otherwise unless you know what they are). It just keeps piling on and piling on....
At least some of you have friends that have pulled you back. I don't. I have no one... my only family is on the other side of the country... and there is the W...who would be more worried about what would happen to her should something happen to me... since i do all the work around here and pay for everything... So... who here is going to clean her house, pay the bills, take care of the car, do the yardwork... and keep her from feeling lonely?... ANYONE?...ANYONE?... there must be some volunteers on the site?.... Just dont expect gratitude or sex... or love... This is the chance of a lifetime... ANYONE?
I guess you are going to make me stick around a few days more...
I had to give away my gun... but there is a tall gorge here... and a nice river at the bottom... and many bridges... and i fear heights... but do i feel life more?... that is something i can understand...
Sometimes you just want to evaporate... or become Soylent Green....
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Post by solitarysoul on Sept 15, 2021 8:28:37 GMT -5
I wouldn't say that when someone takes their own life their chemistry is off... From my experience, its when life overwhelms you, when you reach a point you just can see a way out, when you are carrying so much weight that you are ready to collapse... I know... i have been there... I am on that path again right now with a life that is overwhelming me on a daily basis.... Even to the point that my burdens have caused my therapist to say "wow" on multiple occasions. Legal, professional, marital... they all keep coming.
For over 20 years, i have walked up to that ledge multiple times. I have even sat in my truck with a loaded rifle...but i have been too much of a coward to pull the trigger on a few occasions.
I feel for you catlover, the hard part is not knowing what was going through their head, what they were dealing with, why it so overwhelmed them, and could we have done something that would have eased that pain. No one close to me has even done it, but i have known of people that did. Unfortunately it only leaves questions. No one ever says "Well that figures..." afterwards... At times i want to scream out... but no one notices anyway... everyone has their own problems in this world.. that often how they feel. I hear what you are saying about your spouse... i doubt i would get much more... i would probably get some statement about i have not seen them in years anyway... in a way it becomes a burden that you have to carry when others dont share or allow you to express and feel your grief. But i hope you find a way to work through it and not let it carry on inside your heart and mind.
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Post by solitarysoul on Aug 3, 2021 12:15:24 GMT -5
COVID has been easy.... i have no life or friends anyway so almost nothing changed for me except for having to occasionally work from home...which drove the W nuts... so i am in the office as much as i can be... for her sanity and mine.
The W actually said "This is probably easy for you since you dont see anyone anyway!".... and she was right... and now i had an excuse not to go to restaurants...
Now if these other people in the office will just be quiet, i might get some work done...
and now the pandemic of the unvaxx'd starts... and the next world shutdown to go with it...
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Post by solitarysoul on Jul 25, 2021 16:12:28 GMT -5
The idea of purity and you're never compromised and you're always politically woke and all that stuff; you should get over that quickly. The world is messy. There are ambiguities. People who do really good stuff have flaws.
- Barrack Obama
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Post by solitarysoul on Mar 23, 2021 13:31:18 GMT -5
Much of the evil in the world comes from seeing and judging people as members of groups rather than as individuals.
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Post by solitarysoul on Mar 20, 2021 5:41:09 GMT -5
I use a towel.... The same one I bought 20 years ago....
Used it before I ever had sex, when I had occasionally had sex, and now that I don't have sex... Doesn't really matter.
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Post by solitarysoul on Mar 8, 2021 9:34:33 GMT -5
For some, its not about losing the tolerance.. its about losing the frustration. Once you do that, you get to a better place in your mind. Frustration can lead to poor decision making.
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Post by solitarysoul on Mar 7, 2021 23:54:25 GMT -5
2 years??....lol...such a novice... 7 years.. and now I am just on cruise control... And I am sure I am not the worst on here... But at least I can say I am done... Done.done. done.
Do or do not...there is no try... If you don't... Plan on being on the same shoes... It's a slippery slope...
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Post by solitarysoul on Mar 7, 2021 23:44:27 GMT -5
That's the nice thing about living in two different rooms... We never watch tv together.... This never happens...lol
(I have no interest in murder shows or baking shows so she watches her stuff while I watch mine... Mostly 80s game shows on Buzzr).
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