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Post by solitarysoul on Aug 27, 2020 16:12:27 GMT -5
I thought this an interesting question when it came up in a recent thread.
Why do you come here? For the community? To get answers on how to improve your sexless marriage? To help with getting the strength to get out? To help others now that you have gotten out?
Some people have been year for many years.... some are no longer in their SM and are getting banged too often to get online.... some are happy... some are not but are content.
I have been around since the Experience Project ILIASM thread days in one for or another. Sometimes gone for years at a time. My marriage situation is no different but i didn't expect it to be. I don't look for answers here because i know that my situation (and many others) are far to complicated with too many details that just can't be understood through a few posts. For some, no sex means LEAVE NOW. But not for all. And for some there are complicating factors (health, kids, financial, etc). I do like the community of others who can at least appreciate my situation.
But no one here has ever actually met me. years ago there were some ILIASM get togethers.... a few people got to. Not possible in a pandemic... but maybe a zoom meeting....
but i like knowing i am not alone... and i can make my own decisions... but it is nice to at least hear others take on things.
I have had almost no sex in my life... So I doubt anything would change either way...but it's something to think about...
So why are you here?...
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Post by baza on Aug 27, 2020 19:55:46 GMT -5
I joined the old EP group in Feb 2009. At that point I was looking for the "magic bullet" to fix my ILIASM deal. The first and most important thing I learned was that there ain't no "magic bullet" solution.
What there is, is hard difficult and challenging choices to be made as you sort your own shit out. And the membership here was of tremendous value to me in this process.
In my case, I got out of my ILIASM deal (in October 2009) As it happened (although I certainly wasn't 'looking') I ended up in another relationship with the alluring Ms enna30. We moved in together in about April 2010. This relationship is of prime importance to me, and I find reading in here very valuable in keeping me grounded, as the last thing I want to do is inadvertently fuck this relationship up.
So I joined for one reason, stayed involved short term for the support, stayed longer term to keep learning, and contribute nowadays to repay the help I got from the group back when I needed it.
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Post by jerri on Aug 27, 2020 20:54:25 GMT -5
Reality can escape me very easily if I am not in one of these type of forums. I tried to see different therapists and they evaluate your situation and basically have you choose between several directions. This is basically cynical, but I didn't expect to get much help from people who are in the same situation. There is a nice mix of people in here who have been in this situation but have gotten out and I appreciate their perspective.
For the first decade of my sexless marriage . I tried to avoid sex altogether, I told myself I could handle it and I could handle anything, quite the opposite, I faked my happiness. I just couldn't go without sex for the rest of my life.l decided to go to fetlife.com and that would be my sex. Instead it woke up my libido. I was really upset and one morning and informed my husband that I was stepping out of the marriage for sex not out of spite, but because I needed sex. I felt flush and I was shaking, but I did it. Then I went to fetlife.com and told them what I had done and I viciously got attacked. Members were attacking each other, one moderator just deleted the entire thread instead of just locking it. A member took me to a cheaters forum and told me although I think you're not a cheater, your post will be readily accepted here and we will try and help you.
I sat on the wall for about a year and of course my husband did not follow through with sex, but I had gained a mentor. His wife was terminally ill with cancer and she was helping him find sex while she was ill. She could see he was crumbling without intimacy, something that our own spouse didn't want to see. He then guided me to polyamory.com.They were much more helpful. Although some people were still twisted and telling me that I needed to ask his permission.
Why didn't he ask me permission to stop sex? I had to really understand that my husband was the one who broke the vows and I had waited long enough! It took me awhile to not feel guilty and to understand that the guilt was unjustified! So I went from wanting to leave my husband 2 thinking he can just leave me if he wants! Fast forward another decade and we are in an entirely different position and love each other. I really had to learn a lot.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Aug 29, 2020 10:48:44 GMT -5
I started on EP mostly curiosity, I didn't expect many women. Boy was I surprised. It was nice getting the advice, made me feel better about taking so long to get out. I had no plans on fixing it. I'm here now because I'm out and happy. And like keeping up with people , and offer advice when I can. It's a painful road often long. With so many variances is situations.
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 29, 2020 11:21:09 GMT -5
Like probably the bulk of people who show up on this site I googled "sexless marriage" because I wanted to fix or save mine. I was looking for answers why my efforts weren't making any permanent headway. I got some honest feedback at the old EP site and gradually came to realize there was really no fixing it. My then W simply did not love me, or at least not very much. She was in it for the benefits of marriage. My conclusion was reinforced when she made no effort to talk after realizing I had removed my wedding band and was distancing myself from her. She just sought out an attorney. I hang around because I like to think I have something to offer new arrivals and maybe even something to those who have been here a while but are still on the fence. I often say I am one of the lucky ones here because I got out of my SM after a relatively short time, so I didn't suffer much damage and I was able to keep most of what I had accumulated over a lifetime. And I have been fortunate enough to have had a couple of intimate relationships since the divorce. Hopefully I will have at least one more. So for me life after a SM really is better.
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Post by sylvester on Aug 31, 2020 13:47:25 GMT -5
I guess I am here to commiserate with others in the same boat. It’s ridiculous and a world none of us want to be in.
I was on EP and am on Similar Worlds. Just found this site.
Appreciate the honesty that I have seen so far. Anonymous posts can be cathartic.
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 1, 2020 4:16:59 GMT -5
.... Then I went to fetlife.com and told them what I had done and I viciously got attacked....A member took me to a cheaters forum and told me although I think you're not a cheater, your post will be readily accepted here and we will try and help you. ,... I had gained a mentor. His wife was terminally ill with cancer and she was helping him find sex while she was ill. She could see he was crumbling without intimacy, something that our own spouse didn't want to see. He then guided me to polyamory.com.They were much more helpful. Although some people were still twisted and telling me that I needed to ask his permission. Why didn't he ask me permission to stop sex? I had to really understand that my husband was the one who broke the vows and I had waited long enough! It took me awhile to not feel guilty and to understand that the guilt was unjustified! So I went from wanting to leave my husband 2 thinking he can just leave me if he wants! Fast forward another decade and we are in an entirely different position and love each other. I really had to learn a lot. I hope my situation turns out like yours! (unless the recent reset is permanent, but those aren't the odds-on favorite.) I've heard much about fetlife. It doesn't make me think of judgmental prudes, but lo and behold. Poly, yeah. I got hammered there and to some degree, I see their point. Poly folks are specifically open marriages with consent. For me to show up there sullies their purity of heart. That said, it's a bit elitist of them to shun everyone who's getting no love until their spouse decides to stop controlling their bodies, or they add to the divorce statistics. Id already lost the audience so I wasn't able to ask whether they demanded divorce before seeking intimacy from another lover. Their respect for the sanctity of marriage threatens to blow holes in sexless ones. The group I checked in with was pure and wrapped up in their bubble of contentment. Fixing other people's shit isn't their agenda and if I were there, I think I might enjoy a little sanctuary from complicated relationships too. I'd like someplace in between. Informed non-monogamy. Just shy of consensual. It doesn't get talked about much. The theories ILIASM has produced are that it migrates to either poly or divorce, but the halfway house would surely fill a need and perhaps produce more open marriages rather than the more common, societally accepted even as it is condemned, divorce. Opening marriages early before resentment gets more than a toehold may allow sexless marriages to stay intact. American society seems to equate open marriage to no marriage. With so much poly in the closet, people are unaware how much of it there already is. Just as no one admitted homosexuality it was easy to condemn. Gay pride defied the judgement and allowed others to be just as brave. Now, condemning homosexuality is what gets you judged harshly, moreso than being gay. Open marriage may well have it's turn and sooner than almost anyone can imagine.
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 1, 2020 4:25:43 GMT -5
I forget precisely why I started on Experience Project. I'm here now to run concepts and ideas past other members and help others to clarify their thoughts if I can, offer sympathy where it seems to be all I can give, and ensure possibly overlooked options a member has are placed before them. I've been on reset since November 2019, but we've had some sputtering of late. Luckily, the cynicism of EP and ILIASM had me stick around through these "good times" so I can report that the "cured" SMs have their bumps and bruises. It provides a more complete picture than the assumption of "Happily Ever After" when members just vanish. I am grateful to the members that keep coming back despite having satisfying, intimate companions. They are generous friends and inspiring role models.
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Post by jerri on Sept 4, 2020 2:47:03 GMT -5
.... Then I went to fetlife.com and told them what I had done and I viciously got attacked....A member took me to a cheaters forum and told me although I think you're not a cheater, your post will be readily accepted here and we will try and help you. ,... I had gained a mentor. His wife was terminally ill with cancer and she was helping him find sex while she was ill. She could see he was crumbling without intimacy, something that our own spouse didn't want to see. He then guided me to polyamory.com.They were much more helpful. Although some people were still twisted and telling me that I needed to ask his permission. Why didn't he ask me permission to stop sex? I had to really understand that my husband was the one who broke the vows and I had waited long enough! It took me awhile to not feel guilty and to understand that the guilt was unjustified! So I went from wanting to leave my husband 2 thinking he can just leave me if he wants! Fast forward another decade and we are in an entirely different position and love each other. I really had to learn a lot. I hope my situation turns out like yours! (unless the recent reset is permanent, but those aren't the odds-on favorite.) I've heard much about fetlife. It doesn't make me think of judgmental prudes, but lo and behold. Poly, yeah. I got hammered there and to some degree, I see their point. Poly folks are specifically open marriages with consent. For me to show up there sullies their purity of heart. That said, it's a bit elitist of them to shun everyone who's getting no love until their spouse decides to stop controlling their bodies, or they add to the divorce statistics. Id already lost the audience so I wasn't able to ask whether they demanded divorce before seeking intimacy from another lover. Their respect for the sanctity of marriage threatens to blow holes in sexless ones. The group I checked in with was pure and wrapped up in their bubble of contentment. Fixing other people's shit isn't their agenda and if I were there, I think I might enjoy a little sanctuary from complicated relationships too. I'd like someplace in between. Informed non-monogamy. Just shy of consensual. It doesn't get talked about much. The theories ILIASM has produced are that it migrates to either poly or divorce, but the halfway house would surely fill a need and perhaps produce more open marriages rather than the more common, societally accepted even as it is condemned, divorce. Opening marriages early before resentment gets more than a toehold may allow sexless marriages to stay intact. American society seems to equate open marriage to no marriage. With so much poly in the closet, people are unaware how much of it there already is. Just as no one admitted homosexuality it was easy to condemn. Gay pride defied the judgement and allowed others to be just as brave. Now, condemning homosexuality is what gets you judged harshly, moreso than being gay. Open marriage may well have it's turn and sooner than almost anyone can imagine. No, silly, you don't want it to turn out like mine. I got the arrows in my butt so you can learn from my mistakes. TeeHee We will get hammered everywhere we go. It's ok. Some think it's cheating if we didn't allow our mate to dictate what happens to us. oh, please spare me. Permission to shag another? I don't think so, they didn't get our permission to go without sex! When is enough? They can have equal airtime, but they can't put a chastity belt on me for the rest of my life. That's just sick. Time to wipe the cobwebs from our pubes. haha, time to get sex one way or another? Your choice. Some people choose to go the rest of their days without. That's ok for them. I need and want the sweet heat and touch of a man not machine. No offence to the Hitachi, but a gal needs more than good vibes! <jumps off soapbox>
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 19, 2020 23:12:21 GMT -5
jerri, I can't "like" your attitude enough. Fuck yeah!!!! It took me a LONG time to accept thinking like you now correctly have. Fetlife has a lot of varying morals, but the kink community tends to frown on married people getting involved without their partner's consent. There is more than one reason for this, one of which being that in kink what we often do to each other isn't necessarily legal even though it is 100% consentual. So, a jealous spouse finding out about an affair isn't just a matter of him being upset. It can have very serious legal and therefore financial ramifications. Sorry to hear about the crap you got on Fet. Fuck 'em. I've told kinksters straight up I'm totally cool playing with married women and if they don't like it they should not "kink shame" me for doing so. That verbiage short circuits their argument.
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 19, 2020 23:38:26 GMT -5
So, why am I here?
Not long ago, I would have been very judgmental about myself. I was a believer in monogamy, and the sanctity of marriage. Against all evidence, I believed I could fix my marriage, or at least endure it for the sake of my children.
I found the best advice and insightful people here, all for free. I want to help others, as I was helped.
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Post by jerri on Sept 19, 2020 23:49:32 GMT -5
jerri , I can't "like" your attitude enough. Fuck yeah!!!! It took me a LONG time to accept thinking like you now correctly have. Fetlife has a lot of varying morals, but the kink community tends to frown on married people getting involved without their partner's consent. There is more than one reason for this, one of which being that in kink what we often do to each other isn't necessarily legal even though it is 100% consentual. So, a jealous spouse finding out about an affair isn't just a matter of him being upset. It can have very serious legal and therefore financial ramifications. Sorry to hear about the crap you got on Fet. Fuck 'em. I've told kinksters straight up I'm totally cool playing with married women and if they don't like it they should not "kink shame" me for doing so. That verbiage short circuits their argument. I have a disclaimer on my profile yet, I was afraid it may not be enough. They have no clue what sexless feels like. Half are hawty asses, but I was really impressed with some that went out of their way to kick some hawty fetlife butt! I learned from my brother if you want to do something dont ask permission, tell them you will be doing it then DO IT! Just be prepared for the chaos! Only itt took a while to come to my senses. I'm a very slow learner!
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 19, 2020 23:58:57 GMT -5
jerri , I can't "like" your attitude enough. Fuck yeah!!!! It took me a LONG time to accept thinking like you now correctly have. Fetlife has a lot of varying morals, but the kink community tends to frown on married people getting involved without their partner's consent. There is more than one reason for this, one of which being that in kink what we often do to each other isn't necessarily legal even though it is 100% consentual. So, a jealous spouse finding out about an affair isn't just a matter of him being upset. It can have very serious legal and therefore financial ramifications. Sorry to hear about the crap you got on Fet. Fuck 'em. I've told kinksters straight up I'm totally cool playing with married women and if they don't like it they should not "kink shame" me for doing so. That verbiage short circuits their argument. I have a disclaimer on my profile yet, I was afraid it may not be enough. They have no clue what sexless feels like. Half are hawty asses, but I was really impressed with some that went out of their way to kick some hawty fetlife butt! I learned from my brother if you want to do something dont ask permission, tell them you will be doing it then DO IT! Just be prepared for the chaos! Only itt took a while to come to my senses. I'm a very slow learner! I was not told that. I figured it out myself. As I came to grips with my predicament, I asked my wife twice for an open marriage. The third time I did not ask. I have no regrets.
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